Tuesday, August 4, 2020

A Proposal

(submitted to the NY Times as an op-ed: no reply) I'm willing to donate my body, and all its organs, to people who need them in exchange for a reliable, peaceful, painless death. I am an antinatalist. I strongly feel as though I never should have been born. No one has ever consented to being born and submitting to all of society's rules and laws. And if one doesn't live the way one is "supposed to," there can be very grave consequences to face: homelessness, addiction, incarceration, being the victim of violence, etc. I have OCD and depression, or is life in society the problem? If someone is depressed, they "have a problem," which is traditionally treated with therapy and/or antidepressants (I've tried therapy and a few different antidressants without any real sastisfaction.). But what if they simply can't stand doing the same things everyday: urinating, defecating, butt wiping, rushing, in a commute that is potentially very dangerous, to get to a job they hate, on time? I also hate shopping, cleaning, laundry, in short, I hate life. I have attempted suicide. I've tried to hang myself several times, and, obviously, I have failed every time. Perhaps it's because, as an adult, all my homes have been apartments, and one would assume, when designing an apartment, one wouldn't want to make it easy for a tenant to hang oneself, since dead tenants don't pay rent. Very frustratingly, the pills that would allow one to die reliably, peacefully, painlessly already exist, but, unfortuantely for people like me, I can't just make an appointment with a doctor and have them prescribed to me. I'm alone. I'm old. I'm quite sure life isn't for me. I am childfree. I have no pets, animals to take care of. I'm not married, don't have a significant other, have very few friends and haven't seen any of them in months, so I wouldn't be leaving anyone behnd, and isn't it my life anyway? People need organs. We know this. As I mentioned, do with my body and all its organs whatever you want as long as I get a "good" death. Help me die, and my organs will help people live. Isn't it a better alternative than someone jumping or lying in front of a train and leaving a grisly corpse that children might find? Desperate times call for desperate measures. Though, truth be told, as much as I hate my life, like many people, I'm terrified of a horribly painful suicide, and even more, surviving it only to be worse off than before (paralysis, for example). Why should I continue miserably? I am environemntally conscious, and people are bad for the environment. I have a car, so I reluctantly contribute to climate change. I try very hard to not be wasteful, but every time I use toilet paper, etc, I am wasting. This is a serious offer. Though considering I'd be giving my life and my body, I'd prefer to not have to pay for the procedure.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Email to My Mother

my mother: "Have you called any of the tel #s I gave you? Please keep in touch."

me: i haven't. i'm taking antidepressants now, they're not helping, & i've taken a few different kinds & none have worked. therapy hasn't worked either. i hate life. i hate pissing, shitting, wiping my ass, shit jobs I hate, cleaning, laundry, shopping, & all these other things i hate doing. i hate my chronic pain, aging, that i've lost my looks & i can look forward to getting older, uglier, weaker, & more pain

Saturday, January 11, 2020

New Online Dating Profile

i ain't a liar. i'll be brutally honest, so we don't waste our time.
out of work right now bc i hated my job, so i quit, which is an honest thing to do. don't like it? MOVE ON! I DON'T CARE! ain't broke, tho. have $ in savings from working
i have very lil faith in this at this point, bc most ppl are such hardcore conformers & so simple-minded
i refuse to support animal cruelty (buy meat, egg, dairy, leather, etc). that means for me, you, ANYONE.
I'm sure i don't want to have kids, so if u want to, look elsewhere. this is a very f'd up world, which should be obvious. glad i haven't forced any1 into it
i'm not an optimist; i'm a realist.
i don't care to be a conformer. i have my own mind.
i don't believe in god
ciao, bella!

Sunday, October 20, 2019

Current Online Dating Profile

REALLY frustrated w/this at this point. 1st of all, i ain't stupid, so don't even try to scam me. ask me for $, & i'll report you i refuse to support animal cruelty (buy meat, egg, dairy, leather, etc). that means for me, you, ANYONE. I'm sure i don't want to have kids. i'm not an optimist; i'm a realist. i don't care to be a conformer. i have my own mind. it's sad, but i find that women are more likely to judge me when it comes to how much of a loser i am (i work full-time, but i don't have a prestigious job, & i don't make a lot of $. if that's a prob, i'm def not interested in you) as opposed to my morals & values, which i'm proud of my experience is, if women are considering dating me, they will interrogate/judge me: fine. i will be brutally honest, because there's no point in wasting time, nor do i want to be w/someone who's obsessed w/$, status, because that's so typical. BTW, i AIN'T a sugar daddy, & i ain't gonna be 1

Tuesday, June 18, 2019


I'd always gotten the asshole vibe from this regular customer at work. He'd made fun of me before, & I'm sick of seeing his ugly face. I work as a lumber cashier at Lowe's, & I see some customers everyday or nearly everyday: frequently multiple times a day. It sucks. This guy is 1 of those customers.
When this guy is there by himself, there aren't problems. But when he has an audience, watch out. He's been there with his kid(s), & asked me, "Are you having fun?" & I've said, no, & he's laughed, which might not sound so bad (Certainly, trust me, it's boring & typical.), but context is everything sometimes. I'm real; that's how I am. If I'm miserable, I have neither the energy nor the inclination to act happy. & I'm frequently miserable at work for good reason; my job sucks.
Lately, this asshole has been coming into Lowe's with a young guy: a teen. So they come to my register. While I'm doing my job, the asshole asks me, "Do you like your job?" He's such an asshole, I was expecting him to laugh when I said, "no," but he didn't. "What's your passion?" he asked. As I mentioned, I'd gotten the asshole vibe from him before, so I didn't answer. he said, "not this?" I said, "no." The teen said, "Are you certified in anything?" "No," I said. "He don't give a fuck about you," the asshole said. "He's angry," 1 of them said as they were leaving. It was humiliating. They ganged up on me. If you don't see it, you had to be there.
I'm such an easy target. I stand there, they approach me, & I have to deal with them. Realistically, to be a cashier at my age means I'm a loser. & that's how they treated me. & people are so shitty, they don't care WHY you're a loser, just that you ARE 1, & therefore, it's OK to treat you like 1. Maybe I'm a loser because I'm the result of a teen pregnancy, my father left when I was 2, my mother has always been cold, selfish, lazy, uncaring, stupid, etc, & I was molested by a family member (the short version).
So that in itself sucked, but it wasn't over. That occurred at the "front end" of the store, where the main exit is. Then, as usual, I moved to the lumber register to relieve the woman who starts there at 6:00 am. So they returned. Fucking great, I thought. Even though he's well into adulthood, I saw the asshole jump onto a cart & ride it a bit.
So they approached me again. The asshole said, "hi." I was still pissed at them, so I said nothing. He laughed & so did the teen. Then he asked, condescendingly, "which register do you like better: this or the other 1?" Again, I said nothing, & again they laughed at me. I'd had enough.
"I don't appreciate you hassling me while I'm trying to pay my bills & keep a roof over my head!" I said very angrily to the asshole. I had bagged his purchases & tossed them hard onto the counter, which may have hit him a little bit, & there was hard stuff in that bag. He looked shocked; I didn't care; I was furious.
"You got it wrong," he said. "I was trying to be nice." "You laughed at me!" I replied. He said, "Yeah, but- (don't recall the rest)."
Then he called me a prick. Obviously, you can get fired for cursing out a customer, so I said, "You are!" The whole time, the teen is smirking at me: so fucking disrespectful & shitty. Then the teen bought an energy drink. I virtually always hand the change to the customers: not this time. I definitively put his change & receipt on the counter; our hands touched a little. I did not thank them for their purchases; again, I virtually always do that. The teen continued to smirk, as he said, "Have a nice day" (sarcastically) to me.
As they were leaving, the asshole loudly said, "What a fucking asshole!" or something like that, which was obviously meant for me. The teen laughed.
For quite a while, hours, afterward, I felt sick: possibly the result of an adrenaline dump. I also had, & still do, some fear. What if they come back to beat the shit out of me? I spend a lot of time alone over there: especially at night. What if 1 or both of them know Karate, etc.?
That's why I titled this "Cowards," because that's what people who fuck with other people while they're working are. It's not fair. He can call me a prick, an asshole, but I can't unless I don't mind getting fired, which doesn't seem so fucking bad, & hasn't for a while now.
Now I can "look forward" to dealing with them again (& again & again).

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Dear mama

I'm so disappointed with you. I'm so unlucky to have been stuck with you. You're shit, but you're too delusional to know it.
You don't give a fuck about me: you never have. I'm just a mistake you made. You even literally called me a "mistake" when I was a kid when explaining how I came into this wretched existence. I've just been an obligation, a drag, a killjoy, because you were young, you were 19 when you got pregnant with me. Then dad left when I was 2, so there went your help, you had to raise me on your own, more reasons to resent my existence.
So, because of your actions, you had to work 2 jobs. And when you were done, you frequently went out, because you were a young slut. So this led to me spending a lot of time home alone: not so good for social development.
You got married for the second time to Ken. he moved in. then his son, Mike, moved it, & you really weren't happy about that. Even though he was only 13 (I was too), you treated him very unfairly. You were always mean to him: & Ken too. You physically attacked Ken several times. He had a lot of patience until 1 time he wrestled you to the ground after you attacked him. You screamed at me to call the police. I didn't, but you did. they came to the house & it was humiliating. One time, at dinner, you threw your iced tea at Ken, then you immediately refilled your glass & doused Mike, even though he wasn't a part of the argument. The whole time Mike was there, you behaved like a child having a tantrum. You even made him kneel next to the toilet so you could slam his head against it for leaving the seat up. Eventually, of course, they both left. You're a 2-time loser (divorcee). No wonder I've never "tied the knot."
You smacked my head because you thought I hadn't finished my homework, but I had, & I showed it to you. You cried, apologized, & hugged me. I was thinking, get the fuck off me.
Then I was molested by your Uncle Harry when I was a teen. You knew he liked to go to gay bars, but you made it easy for him. You let him sleep in the same bedroom as me. I woke to him kissing me on the mouth, fondling my crotch, & murmuring about "young flesh." when he saw I woke, he was terrified. he gestured toward the bedroom where you & grandma were sleeping and said, "shh!" at least he stopped molesting me. I didn't say anything about it until after he died. Your reaction was very disappointing. Seems like maybe you didn't believe me. Years later, I'm in your house, & I see a picture of Uncle Harry with his sisters. I confronted you about not only having a picture of a child molester on your bookcase, but the man who had molested YOUR OWN SON, & you waddled your fat ass over to it & put it into a drawer: your body language expressing that I was the 1, not YOU, who was out of line. You're so childish & delusional. despite all evidence, you think you're perfect: typical human.
Years later, my ex was visiting me at your house, & you blamed Mike for your failed 2nd marriage. I really had to bite my tongue because I was there. YOU were responsible for the failure of that marriage: not him. He was a 13-year-old boy who was traumatized by your shit, you delusional liar.
When I was walking to your house (during daytime), 1 of your neighbors interrogated me while his fat ass was seated in his vehicle. he said, "we've had some burglaries. what are you doing here?" he obviously seems to think he has more rights than the police do when it comes to confronting people. You saw this, you attention whore, so you poked your fat ass out the front door. after you realized what the situation was, your neighbor interrogating your son because he was walking down the street, that didn't stop you from having a pleasant conversation with him, you piece of fucking shit.