Bumpkin's Plan

A young Bumpkin grazing with her mommy: Sheila

It's a devious plan indeed.  It's diabolical.  The casualties will be enormous; many people will die when Bumpkin finally makes her move to wrest control of the world from the humans.
"I'll attack Canada first," declared Bumpkin.  "That place is so freaking cold that I'll be doing them a favor by putting them out of their misery.  That place is fit for neither groundhog nor beastie.  Who says I don't have a heart?"
"That's nice of you, Bumpkin.  It is a God-forsaken land during winter.  You might want to toast Minnesota and Maine with your fireballs for the same reasons; it can get really cold in those states."
"Don't try to tell me what to do!  I know all about that anyway, buster!  I watch the weather channel."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  You're right.  It's your war: not mine."
"Darn right, mister!  It's my war!  And I suggest you try to remain on the right side of it."
"Yes, ma'am.  I know you will kill as many humans as you need to in order to win.  And killing people is as easy as pie for you."
"Easy as pie?  How does that make sense?"
"Well, it's just an expression that people say.  It's means it's easy."
"What's so easy about pie?  That's what I'm asking."
"I don't know."
"Then stop saying that, dummy."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Where was I?  Oh yeah.  After I attack Canada, I'll launch many super-sized fireballs that will kill humans anywhere and everywhere, but harm no animals.  I want to let the humans know that the whole world is under attack, and there is no safe harbor."
"Good idea, mistress Bumpkin."
"You're darn tootin' mister."
"Then what?"
"Then I'll get on TV, and tell the humans how they can avoid further bloodshed."
"How can they do that/"
"By surrendering, butthead."
"Of course.  What if they don't surrender?"
"I'll kill as many people in Switzerland as possible while not harming animals."
"They're neutral."
"I know."
"Good idea, Bumpkin.  Annihilate a neutral country; that will have them thinking."
"Of course.  Believe me, I know what I'm freaking doing." 

Bumpkin Can Resurrect the Dead

Reunited and it feels so good: Sheila and Bumpkin back in the day.

She really did it.  Bumpkin was missing her mommy: Sheila.  I was missing her too.  Aside from a little perhaps too-tough love, she's been a good mother to her groundhog daughters: the big and beautiful Lucinda, the sleepy Sloopy, and the biggest threat to world peace: Bumpkin (she of the evilly-supplied superpowers).
Bumpkin concocted a way to locate her mother via DNA.  Unfortunately, she had passed on to the next world.  "Why won't she wake up?" she asked me.  I was there because I gave her a ride.
"It's because she's dead Bumpkin," I replied.
"Dead?  Like what I've done to lots of people and some animals?"
"Yes, Bumpkin.  She's dead, and, I'm sorry to say it, but there's no coming back from it."
"You fool!  You better watch what you say about my mommy!"  She immediately went to her expired mother and touched her lifeless body.  A jolt went through Sheila's body.  She had re-awoken!  She had come back from the dead to join the living once again!  Sloopy and Lucinda were in for a treat!  Mommy's back from the dead!
Sheila was a little slow.  After all, she may have been dead for months.  She probably hasn't used any of those muscles in quite a while.  Bumpkin realized this.  She levitated Sheila, and transported her, effortlessly, through the air at a very low, and safe, altitude.  Sheila was grareful for the assistance.  She'd get back on her paws eventually, but it's best not to rush things, especially when Bumpkin is on hand with all of her superpowers, which can make anything much easier.
"What are we going to tell Sloopy and Lucinda?" I asked Bumpkin.
"Nothing!  You'll tell them nothing!  I want it to be a gosh-darn surprise, buster, so you better not be ruining things with that big, dumb, smart mouth of yours!"
"Which is it Bumpkin?  Is my mouth dumb or smart?  It can't be both."
"This, mister, is an example of your smart mouth: a mouth that could earn another fireball to the backside of your rump, pal.  You've got a smart mouth, wisenheimer.  It's what comes out of it that's dumb." 
"Oh, I get it now, Bumpkin.  Thank you so much for explaining it to me."
"Buster, do you want me to toast your buns with a super-hot fireball?"
"No, ma'am.  We're just having a conversation here, Bumpkin.  There's no need for you to harm me physically."
"I'll be the judge of that," replied the divine Miss B.

Bumpkin Hit China!

Spring isn't that far away.

Bumpkin has struck her first international blow by striking an area inside the country of China with a long-range, super-sized fireball!  Oh, you won't see it on the news.  After all, the Chinese officials haven't even told their own citizens about it, because the\y have no idea how it happened.
Mistress Bumpkin was watching a documentary about the horrible treatment of animals by people.  She saw that many Chinese citizens had a record of treating animals very poorly.  Once she'd seen enough, she unlocked my door, and opened it with her superpowers.  She did not use her superpowers to hop down the steps; it was so cute.  However, she was on her way to killing more people than she had ever done over the course of a single day.  General Bumpkinismo killed 34 people, and wounded dozens more, with a single fireball, that was launched from my apartment buildings' grounds in Rochester, NY.
Unless she's been practicing behind my back, that's, by far, the largest fireball she's ever flung from her left front paw.
"Wow, Bumpkin," I said.  "I don't know what to say.  The good, ole u s of a is a direct competitor with China.  Yet, you killed a lot of people, which, depending on the people killed, might be a bad thing."
"It is done as my will requested," retorted Bumpkin.  "I'm thinking about hitting Japan next with one of those babies."
"Just not Tokyo, please, Bumpkin.   Also, not Hiroshima or Nagasaki.  It wouldn't be right," I said.
"Don't try to give me a history lesson, buster brown!  I know all about that stuff!  Jeepers!  Look at World War II and the Holocaust.  How could Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini been allowed to do so much damage to the world!  Humans have had their chance.  It's time for the groundhogs to have their shot.  Well, really just me.  I'll have to take on the world's humans by myself, all the other groundhogs can do is give me moral support, which is a good thing to have, especially the support I get from my 2 sisters: Sloopy and Lucinda," said Bumpkin.  "Their support will give me what I need to be victorious against the human folk.  And victorious I shall be, by the hammers of Nutsie and Cleopatra (groundhog gods)," said Bumpkin.
"Wow, Bumpkin," I said.  "Is that the largest fireball you'll ever be able to toss?" I asked.
"No."
Sometimes, she's rather outgoing and articulate, other times, she just says what needs to be said : nothing more.

A Picnic on the Moon: Part Deux

Bumpkin Wumpkin

It didn't take us long to get to the moon.  The landing was very smooth: courtesy of Bumpkin.  Upon landing, she immediately expanded the size of the bubble, so we would have plenty of room to roam around and explore. 
"Let's play Frisbee," Bumpkin said.
"Great idea, Ms. Bumpkin," I said.  I located the Frisbee and tossed it to Bumpkin, who caught it with her superpowers: not her paws.
"Get to steppin'," she said to me.
"Yes, ma'am."  I jogged away from my groundhog house guests.  Once I determined I was far enough away, I turned around to look for the Frisbee.  As soon as I did, it struck me in the face at great velocity.  It not only knocked me down; it knocked me out.  Once I came to, I saw the sisters standing over me.  They were trying to hold in the laughter, but they weren't succeeding. 
"Are you okay?" Bumpkin asked me.
"I think so," I replied.  "But I don't know if I'm up for anymore Frisbee.  Could we eat now?"
"Of course," Bumpkin said.  She used her powers to spread the blanket and set things up.  I reached for an apple, and I felt something hit my hand: hard.  I put off grabbing that apple.
"Ah, Bumpkin," I said.  "Did you just slap my hand with your powers?"
"I sure did."
"Why, Bumpkin, why?"
"Because we haven't said grace yet.  I want you to do the honors."
"Yes, ma'am.  Dear God, we thank you-"
"Wait a second," said Bumpkin.  Who is this God you're thanking?  Is she a human or a groundhog?"
Bumpkin is deadly.  She's already hit me in the ass with one of her fireballs of destruction.  Which is why I said, "She's a groundhog, of course."
"Good answer.  Proceed."
"Yes.  Thank you for this food we're about to eat.  Amen."
"That was pretty short, buster," said Bumpkin.
"Well, sometimes less is more.  Bumpkin, could you please pass the pickled peppers?"
"Certainly," she said.  The pickled peppers flew out of the jar and hit me in the face, which led to great gales of laughter emanating from the 3 groundhog sisters. 
"Good one, Bumpkin," I had to admit.
"You make it so easy.  You asked for it," she replied.
After some more hijinks and shenanigans, all perpetuated by Bumpkin, we feasted.  Then we went for a stroll.  I never thought I'd be able to look at the Earth from the moon, but, thanks to Bumpkin, that's exactly what I was able to do.  I saw something.  I pointed to it.  "Look at that," I said.  Sloopy and Lucinda looked, but Bumpkin didn't bother to do so.  It was headed toward us.  "Do you know what that is, Bumpkin?" I asked.
"Of course.  I summoned it from the Earth.  It's an adult diaper: for you.  I'm sick and tired of changing you after you poop yourself during space travel.  You will wear it during the trip back to Earth.  And if you poop your pants, you will have to stew in your own juices until you get home and change yourself for a change."
"I don't really need to wear it, Bumpkin."
"Phooey!  You've pooped your pants twice now, and I've changed you twice!  You will wear it: end of discussion!"
I knew she was in no mood for an argument, so I put it on.  And, sure enough, I soiled it on the way back.  "You were right, Bumpkin," I had to admit.
"Of course!  I'm always right!  I'm Bumpkin!"
"I know that you're tired of changing me, but could you please just do it once more?"
"Heck, no!  I thought I made myself abundantly clear!  I've changed you for the last time!  Now stew in your own juices!  It's what you deserve for not being able to control yourself!  How come you're the only one?  My sisters are able to hold in their poop."
Right on cue, some poop fell out of Lucinda's butt.
"Holy crap!  Give me a freaking break!" said Bumpkin.

A Picnic on the Moon

She's the Bumpkinest Bumpkin of all; she's Bumpkin!

"Let's have a picnic: on the moon!" Bumpkin declared.
Her sisters Sloopy and Lucinda cheered.
"Do they even know what a picnic or the moon is?" I asked.
"Of course!  I've taught them many words.  They just can't say any: yet.  I'm working on it."
"Are you serious about a picnic on the moon?  How do we do that?"
"Yes, I'm serious.  And don't worry about it; I'll handle everything: as usual.  Can you just pack everything we need?"
"Of course, Miss Bumpkin."  I found my picnic basket and began to fill it with goodies while the sisters watched Groundhog Day (again!).  Once I was sure we had enough, I said, "We're all packed up, Bumpkin."
"Good, now we'll go outside."
All of us walked out of the building.  As soon as we did, we were engulfed in a gigantic bubble.  Then we ascended, within the bubble, rapidly.  Lucinda and Sloopy whooped it up; they were having a great time.  As for me...
"Holy crap!  What's that smell?" asked Bumpkin.
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I pooped in my pants."
"OMG!  Once again, I can't take you anywhere!"  My pants suddenly came off me.  The part where I stick my legs in floated right in front of my face.  "Did you soil your pants?" Bumpkin asked.
I took a good look at the inside of the pants: especially the part that covers my butt.  "They're okay, Bumpkin.  They're clean."
"Okay then, it's just your underwear."
My underwear immediately came off me and fell through the bottom of the bubble: back towards Earth.  "You know, Bumpkin, I've told you before, but there are a lot of good reasons to not litter or pollute."
"I know, I know!"  She fired a fireball from her left front paw that likewise passed through the bubble.  I knew what that was for.  It was on its way to incinerating my filthy underpants.  "By the way, maybe you could practice what you preach and stop polluting your underwears."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I'm still not used to space travel."
"Well get used to it, Buster!  I'm tired of wasting my powers on cleaning your poopy butt!"
Back on Earth, a washcloth levitated in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store.  People watched, amazed, as it floated toward the rest rooms.  The door to the men's room opened, and the washcloth flew inside.  It hovered in a sink as the faucet turned on and doused it with warm water.  Then the soap dispenser made its contribution to the cleanliness of my backside.  Then, as the damp washcloth made its exit, it was followed by a towel.  Next thing I knew, my dirty backside was being washed by the soapy washcloth.  Once my butt was clean, the towel dried it.  Once my butt was dry, Bumpkin jettisoned the washcloth and towel from the bubble and toasted them.  All this time, I was modestly covering my private parts with my hands.  In a Kmart, a package of underwear opened.  A pair flew out, exited the store, and made it's way to my body.  They entered the bubble and Bumpkin, using her powers, dressed me.
"Thanks, Bumpkin, but these underwear are a little tight."
"Give me a break!  I thought you wore medium-sized undies!"
"Sometimes, there are some differences between brands."
In many stores, packages of men's underwear opened.  Pairs upon pairs of them exited stores and chased our bubble.  They arrived.  Pairs and pairs of them entered our bubble.  The bubble was filling rapidly with underpants.  Sloopy and Lucinda loved it.  It was as though it was raining underpants, but from below instead of above.
"See any you like?" asked Bumpkin.
"Yeah, thanks Bumpkin, I'm good."
TO BE CONTINUED.