Bumpkin Bumpkin

Bumpkin's on the D.L.

Bumpkin has really done it this time.  While I was at work, She cloned herself!  This is how I found out; "Hi Mistress Bumpkin.  How was your day?"
"OK,  I cloned myself."
"Gad-zoinks!"
"What the heck is gad-zoinks?"
"It's nothing.  I was so shocked that the only thing that could come out of my mouth initially was nonsense.  It's not a word.  What the freak happened?"
"Hey!  I don't know how many times I've told you, but don't you ever take an attitude with me!  You've seen what I can do after all!"
That threat got my attention.  I've seen her slaughter other animals and people mostly using her superpowers, which were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld, and her razor-sharp claws.  She's a groundhog, but she quite possibly is the deadliest sentient being this Earth has ever seen: even more than Michael Myers or Stalin.
"Sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"Nice try."
"Excuse me, my mistress?"
"You'd better watch it.  I'm onto your methods.  Whenever I'm mad at you, you try to plant a dance song into my head, so I'll play it and dance to it and forget about being mad at you.  In this case it's "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory, is it not?"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am.  But what about this clone of yours?  Please tell me more, madame.
"She's a perfect clone if you leave out the part about her having none of my superpowers."
"Wow."
"Yes, wow indeed.  But it's really sucky.  I've been trying to teach her stuff, but she's not catching on very well at all.  I'm losing patience."
"Please don't lose your patience, ma'am.  Bad things happen when you lose your patience."
"You think I don't know that, tampon bag?"
I laughed.
"What the heck is so funny mister?!"
"I'm sorry Miss Bumpkin, but I think the insult you're looking for might be douche bag: not tampon bag!"
"You're such an idiot!  I said tampon bag on purpose because I'm always keeping things fresh: not stale.  I tweaked it for her pleasure.  That's what she said.  Give me a freaking break, I'm on a roll!"
"Once again, I'm sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  You're always at least a step ahead of the rest of us."
"If there are other people as dumb as you, then it's a lot more than one step ahead; that's for sure!"
"Touche, madame Bumpkina."
"What is this Bumpkina?  Foolish is the fool that mocks me or my sisters."
"I'm not mocking you, ma'am: I never would.  I just changed your name around a little bit: just for funsies."
"OMG, you are such a freaking geek!"

I Love My Roomies

The groundhog boys hate to say goodbye to her, but they don't mind watching her walk away.

I've thought long and hard about getting a pet.  I love all animals, and I'm very much aware that many dogs and cats are languishing in shelters.  They all deserve good homes and happy lives.  Unfortunately, I'm allergic to dogs and cats.  Although my cat allergy doesn't seem to be as severe as it used to be.  There are several reasons why I have decided to not get a pet.  First of all, they are not allowed in the apartment I'm currently living in.  Also, I want to be free to do what I want, when I want, without feeling guilty that I'm not giving my pet enough attention.  If I was in a very stable relationship with a woman who also wanted a pet, then it might work out.  If I'm not currently giving the pet attention, then perhaps she will be and vice versa.  Another problem is dealing with the death of a pet.  I've lived with a dog before, and he was like a son to me.  If I were to adopt a dog, and live with he or she for several years, it would devastate me when he or she died.  Or, I could die first, which could send his or her life into turmoil.
Bumpkin, however, has forced 3 pets into my apartment: her 2 sisters (Lucinda and Sloopy) and herself.  The best thing about living with 3 groundhogs is being exposed to their cuteness; the worst thing about it is having to watch the movie Groundhog Day 127 times (so far).  It really is time to buy another TV.  At first I was really concerned about the situation.  When I lived with a dog, I was also living with a woman, and both of us shared the responsibilities of taking care of him.  I had never taken care of 1 pet by myself: let alone 3 of them.  Things got out of control pretty quickly.  Then I remembered Bumpkin's superpowers.
"Ah, Bumpkin," I said.
"Yes, human.  What is it this time?" she asked.
"I'm not used to living with 3 groundhogs.  There are certain cleanliness issues that have arisen."
"Get to the point.  I don't have all day to listen to your inane ramblings.  I'm plotting my world takeover."
"Of course.  And, please, allow me to say that it is an honor to be spending the winter here with you and your sisters.  Could you possibly, if it isn't too much trouble-"
"Will you freaking say what you want to say already?!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry ma'am.  Could you please use your powers to help me clean the apartment?"
"But of course."  As soon as she said that, 1 of the windows opened.  The cat box, that the sisters use as their restroom, levitated and flew out the window.  It turned upside down.  Before the tainted kitty litter could hit the ground, it was completely incinerated by a fireball that emanated from Bumpkin's left front paw.  Then the litter box returned to the bedroom and the window closed.  The cord for the vacuum cleaner became uncoiled, plugged itself in, and Bumpkin used her powers to vacuum the entire apartment.  The dirty dishes were next.  Bumpkin washed all of them without touching any of them with her paws.
"Satisfactory?" she asked me.
"Absolutely.  Thank you very much, Miss Bumpkin."
"So you don't mind if I return to my plans for world domination?"
"I certainly don't, Miss Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"That sounds familiar.  It's in a song, right/"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Is it 'Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)' by C & C Music Factory?
"Right again, Miss Bumpkin."
"I like that song.  Play it now."
"Yes, ma'am.  Excellent choice."  And so I did play that song.  And all of us danced together: 3 female groundhogs and myself.  I'm a lucky boy.