Saturday, April 27, 2013

War!

Three of the five babies.
Bumpkin continues to wage war against the humans for control of the world.  "I'm not doing this for myself.  I don't need to be fighting a war against all the Earth's humans, I'd rather surf the web, watch TV, or go out with boy groundhogs, but humans are destroying this planet with their ways.  People pollute, they're greedy, violent, sadistic, selfish, and brutal.  Us animals have lived under your thumbs for too long.  It's our turn.  Animals must be given control of the world or I will take it: no matter how many human lives must be lost.  I shall punctuate my remarks by launching a fireball that  will destroy a vessel within a fleet of Japanese whalers that is attempting to kill whales," said Bumpkin.
She used her powers to open the screen, another fireball of destruction emerged from her left front paw, which promptly flew out of the window, grew in size while hovering outside the window, then abruptly headed off, at great speed, toward its target.
"That's it.  Interview over," declared Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am," said local TV broadcaster Lia Lando.
The crew began to pack up their junk.  This interview had been shot in my apartment.  So much for keeping a low profile.  I think the only way I'll get my security deposit back is if Bumpkin uses her powers to help me.
"Will you get out of here already?" Bumpkin queried.
"Sure, we're just packing up our stuff.  It takes a little while," said Lia.
"No it doesn't," said Bumpkin.  The crew's equipment began to fly out of the window and land on the grass outside the building.  In a matter of seconds, all their stuff was out of my apartment.  "Now get lost," she commanded.  They all left.  Lia Lando is the most beautiful woman I've ever had over; that's for sure.  I doubt a more beautiful woman will ever grace this unit again.
"Bumpkin, my apartment is going to be a huge target now.  What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know how many times I have to say this.  The harder they come, the harder they'll fall.  You are fortunate enough to be the safest human on Earth, as long as you don't test my patience too much, because you have my protection, cause you're on my team and...What do you even do around here?"
"Well, for one thing, you and your sisters have been living in my apartment for several months now.  Also, you told me I'm the best groundhog masseuse of all time."
"That's right," replied Bumpkin.  "It's time to justify your existence."
"Yes, ma'am," I said, as I made my way over to her and began to rub her tiny shoulders.
"Turn on the news," she said.
"Sure Mistress Bumpkin," I replied.  I stopped massaging her just long enough to turn the TV on.
"Once again, if you're just joining us, we have breaking news of a Japanese whaling vessel exploding in the middle of a whale hunt.  The vessel has been completely destroyed," said a pretty female newscaster. 
Sorry no photo.  Something must be wrong with blogger today.  I've tried over and over again, and they won't let me post a photo today.  I'll fix it when I can.  Cheerio!

 

Monday, April 22, 2013

Let's Go to the Beach: Part Deux

It's Rusty (Lucinda's son) and Daisy (Bumpkin's daughter).
I opened the car doors and flipped the levers so the front seats would move forward and allow my groundhog friends, Sloopy and Lucinda, to climb into the car and onto the back seat.  Bumpkin sat up front with me.
"All right.  I guess we're ready to go to the beach!" I said.
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with excitement, and we were off.  I couldn't help noticing that Bumpkin had used her superpowers to open the car's passenger-side window all the way.  I was hoping that she did that for the fresh air.  However, she raised her front left paw and launched several fireballs from it, in rapid-fire succession, that slipped right out the window she had opened.  Boom!  One of the fireballs hit a gas station, which caused a massive explosion.  Sloopy and Lucinda loved it.  She also destroyed some cars, and more buildings, with the first fusillade of the day.  Her actions surprised me, but I said nothing.  Bumpkin had said she was going to wage war against humans for control of the world this spring, and, obviously, she meant it.  At this point, fireballs were popping out of her left paw like popcorn.  One after the other they came.  Again, they hit cars and buildings: stores and houses alike.  The war had begun.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She appeared to be as cool as a cucumber.  Her mastery of the fireballs of destruction is complete.  She wasn't even breaking a sweat.
After causing much destruction, we arrived at the beach.  I got out of the car, opened the doors, and moved the seats forward so Lucinda and Sloopy could get out.  We walked toward the beach.  I suppose it's a bit of a strange sight to see a human walking to the beach with 3 groundhogs, so people did their share of staring.  Unfortunately, for them, Bumpkin was in no mood to be stared at.  Everyone that pointed, stared at, or talked about us got their buns toasted by one of Bumpkin's fireballs.  I saw some boats on the lake.  Bumpkin saw them too.  She sent at least one fireball to each and every one of the boats we saw.  The fireballs detonated on the boats.  There were explosions, fires, and boats were sinking.  She even flung one at a passing plane.  She nailed it.  It exploded and suddenly fell from the sky.  It crashed into the lake.
War has begun.  People get ready for a new world leader: a groundhog named Bumpkin.    

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Let's Go to the Beach!

The kiss
Bumpkin, her sisters (Lucinda and Sloopy), and I were enjoying a quiet morning in our apartment.  We were watching TV, and we were looking at a beach.  Neither of the sisters had ever seen such a thing. 
"Yo, dummy," said Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.
"Is there anything like that around here?"
"Sure.  The ocean isn't very close, but we live near Lake Ontario."
"Is there a beach there?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good, we're going," declared Bumpkin.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight.
"Great idea, Mistress Bumpkin," I said.  I'll pack lunch and other things we might need: like sunscreen."
"What is sunscreen?" asked Bumpkin.
"Well, it's not something you, Sloopy, and Lucinda need to worry about, because your skin is covered with fur, which protects you from the sun's harmful rays.  But people, like me, really need to put it on, so, hopefully, we won't get skin cancer."
"Whatever.  Hurry up.  We're all ready to go," said Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am."  I got off my duff and got busy.  I packed a nice lunch for all of us and I didn't forget the sunscreen.  Then I took off my pajamas so I could change into my swimsuit.  While I was completely naked, the door to the bathroom opened.  Bumpkin, Lucinda, and Sloopy were all staring at  my nude body.  Then they all began to laugh hysterically.
Bumpkin briefly stopped laughing long enough to ask, "What the heck is that thing dangling between your legs?"
"First of all, Bumpkin, it's not nice to open the bathroom door, without knocking first, when someone is in there.  And that 'thing' is called a penis."
They all laughed harder now.  Sloopy and Lucinda were rolling around on the floor.
"First of all, dummy, I do whatever I want, whenever I want to, and if you  have a problem with that, I'll hit your little penis with a fireball," replied Bumpkin, which led to more laughter.  Tears of joy were streaming down the faces of Sloopy and Lucinda.
"Yes, ma'am."
"It is so ugly," said Bumpkin.
"Even though it is a part of me, I simply must agree with you.  I think penises are ugly too."
"What the heck do you do with that thing?" asked Bumpkin.
"Well, I use it to go pee pee, and it also can be used to make babies."
"How?  How does that thing make babies?"
I sighed heavily.  "I'll tell you on the way to the beach, okay?"  Holy cow.  I don't have any kids, so I never thought I'd have to explain to anyone where babies come from.  I certainly never fathomed that I'd need to explain it to a groundhog.  I never signed up for that: no, sir.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Tickle Party!

I believe these groundhogs were born this past winter around here.
"Listen up, everybody," announced Bumpkin to her sisters (Sloopy & Lucinda) and I.  "We are going to have a tickle party, and it begins right now!"  She took off and flew toward me.  Next thing I knew, she was tickling me with her paws.
I giggled like a schoolgirl.   She was moving all around me, while levitated, and tickling various parts of my body.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight in unison, then they scampered toward me and began to tickle my ankles and lower legs, because they have none of Bumpkin's superpowers, so they can only tickle parts of me they can reach from the floor.
In between giggles, I said, "Hey!  This isn't fair!  Everyone's tickling me!"
"Whoever said life was fair, buster?" Bumpkin asked, as she continued to tickle me.
What could I say?  She was right; life isn't always fair.  So I bent down and began to tickle Lucinda's belly.  She giggled, stopped tickling me, and lay down on the floor, where she rolled around.  I tickled her belly continuously.  She was laughing so hard, that tears began streaming down her cute little face.  Meanwhile, Bumpkin found my biggest weakness (tickle-wise): my armpits.  She tickled them mercilessly using her superpowers.  In fact, she took a break to get a snack and watch some of Groundhog Day (again!) while using her powers to tickle all 3 of us.  I could have pointed out to her that she was cheating, but she had just told me that life isn't fair, and she hates to repeat herself.  After all, I alone am the one responsible for the dark netherworld bestowing those powers upon her as a result of coming up with the perfectly cute name for a perfectly cute groundhog.  It just goes to show that even a schmuck like me can alter the course of history.  If, as she plans to, she wrests control of the world from humans, then at least part of the blame (or credit) lies with me. 
Bumpkin, while enjoying a feast of wheatgrass, intensified her tickle attack against me.  Not only was she tickling my armpits, she was also tickling my sides, belly, and back.  I succumbed and got onto the floor.  I was giggling and rolling around on the floor uncontrollably.  She was also using her powers to tickle Sloopy and Lucinda in a major way.  All we could do was roll around and laugh.  If this was a competition, then Bumpkin was clearly the winner.  Although, they say that laughter is good for the soul, and I believe it.  So perhaps we all won that day.
By the way, as the photo I posted this week shows, we've got a couple of new juvenile groundhogs around here this spring.  Because of their coloring, I think they might be Lucinda's girls.  Welcome to Rochester, little ones!

Just in Case

if you're here from twitter because i stopped posting, i ask that you NOT ask twitter or anyone to do a wellness check on me. i wouldn&#...