Closer:Poetry & Prose

 
The closer I get to death, the better.
The closer I get to suicide, the better.
The closer I get to the bottom, the better.
The closer I get to the end, the better.
For that is where the pain will end.
Please allow me to update you on my marvelous career.  Things were going just fine working as a janitor at a bookstore.  Then I walked into the men's room, to clean it, and it hit me: the smell.  It was a bad smell.  I checked the toilets.  Sure enough, one of them was filled with poop soup.  It was so f*cking gross.  I began to gag.  Tears streamed down my face.  What could I do?  I flushed it: hoping it wouldn't overflow.  It didn't, but the noxious mess didn't go down.  I kept flushing it, as I kept gagging with tears rolling down my unremarkable face.  What if I have to plunge it?!  What if some of it splashed onto me as I was doing that?  Fortunately, I made some progress with my flushes.  Finally, after several flushes, it was gone.  But, not surprisingly, the toilet had been annihilated with poop stains.  Lucky me, it was my job to clean it, which led to more gagging and tears.
That wonderful assignment ended.  I was merely filling in for a man that cleans bathrooms 7 days a week.  I'd rather be homeless or dead.  My job developer got me another cleaning job.  I wasn't at all excited about it.  First of all, it was quite a long drive away.  I accepted it anyway.  He took me to my first night there.  I soon learned it would be my responsibility to clean 4 buildings for a company that manufactures bricks or something like that.  The place was filthy.  Floors needed to be mopped, carpets needed to be vacuumed, and toilets needed to be cleaned.  I would spend at least 2 and a half hours working there that night, but I knew pretty early on that I didn't want that shitty job.  On the way back, my job developer and I didn't talk much at all.  I wanted to wait until we were in the parking lot of my apartment building.  Just before getting out of his jeep, I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't want this job."  He said, "Yeah, I figured that."
I'd rather be homeless or dead than clean other people's shit out of toilets. 
          

This Life Isn't for Everyone

 
In the history of the world, no person or animal has agreed to the terms of existence prior to being brought into it.  This is obvious to many.  However, it is one of the reasons why I haven't brought a person or animal into this world, and I hope I never do.
America is one of the (if not the most) freest countries in the world.  However, only the very wealthy are truly free.  The rest of us must work for a living.  This is also obvious.  But many people don't like their jobs.  Many people hate their jobs.  Not everyone can be a successful rock star, movie star, or professional athlete.  So most of us aren't really free.
Working at a job you dislike or hate isn't for everyone.  When biological parents, who aren't very wealthy, bring their sons and daughters into this world, they're forcing them to live a certain way.  Their children will have to go to school.  They will have to behave themselves.  At a certain point, they will have to enter the workforce.
A lot people can't "hack" working at a job they hate.  They try, but they just can't do it.  It's just not for them.  What happens to these people?  They become homeless.  They turn to a life of crime, and, as a result, end up dead or in prison.  And they commit suicide.  Suicide is always a leading cause of death.  In the U.S., there are more suicides than homicides.  Since 9/11, more U.S. soldiers have committed suicide than have been killed in the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.
I'm living a life of rejection.  I've been let go from lots of jobs.  I apply for jobs.  But, probably becasue I've been out of work for a long time, I remain unemployed.  I didn't ask for this life.  I did not sign up for this.  I did not give my permission to be brought into this world and deal with all the crap that one has to deal with.  When I apply for jobs, I'm competing with lots of other people for them.  This is a result of overpopulation.  I haven't contributed to the problem of overpopulation, but I must deal with the consequences regardless.
Alcohol is a demon.  I have depression.  I realize alcohol is a depressant.  Therefore, I should not drink.  I am less depressed when I don't drink.  On the other hand, I enjoy drinking.  But, once the drinking is done, the depression sets in.  These are some real problems I face:
I don't want to drink, but I don't want to be sober.
I don't want to live, but I don't want to kill myself.                     

Poor Cat

It's a cold world for stray cats

She's homeless.  She seems to not trust people; maybe she's been abused.  She's a stray cat who lives around here.  Last night, the temperature here hit a record low of 6 degrees below zero.   I've seen her trotting around in the snow.  I've seen her tracks, and I know she's been around.  It breaks my heart to think of all the stray cats out there.  They have to deal with horrible, sometimes deadly, weather.  There are people out there who would torture and kill them.  Please spay and neuter your pets.  There are so many unwanted dogs and cats.  They're either homeless, or they're languishing in cages at shelters.  If you want to make a commitment to a dog or cat for the rest of your (or their) life, and you're committed to treating the pet well, then please adopt.  Breeders piss me off because they play God and bring dogs into a world in which there are already more than people want.  
My diet is going well.  I've recently gotten into soups big time.  For a while, I considered myself to be the sort of person that doesn't like soup.  Now that I'm trying to not eat any processed foods, I've rethought that position.  I've been eating split pea and lentil soups.  A one-pound bag of them costs a little over a dollar.  I cook it with carrots and celery.  I've really been enjoying it: especially since it's been so cold.  I think of veggie soup as a hot winter salad.  Instead of eating a bunch of cold vegetables, it makes sense to throw them into a soup and heat them up.  I'm not much of a cook, but it's very easy to make, doesn't require much effort at all, and it's done pretty quickly.  It's very filling too.