Joy Denied

Yesterday, as I was looking at a cute baby, I couldn't help thinking that I have never experienced the joy of holding my own baby (Because I have no kids.).  And, hopefully, I never will.  I'm not nearly selfish enough to bring a baby into this world.  And on another day in which my body is racked with pain, my neighbors have woken me up, and I'm preparing to go to my job that is unsatisfying (to say the least), I know that I have made the right choice to not bring someone into this hell. 

Jack & Berkeley

Jack & Berkeley are my friends.  They are also my friend's cats.  I love them.  They make life better.  Pets can extend the lives of people who take care of them.  Petting, and cuddling with, them has therapeutic value.
Berkeley is more outgoing than Jack.  It took me a while to get to know Jack.  Every time I visited my friend's house, for the longest time, he would hide from me the whole time I was there.  Eventually, he came around.  He scares easily.   We continue to have breakthroughs.  Just as I had done several times before, I spent the night on my friend's couch in his house.  But, this time, Jack slept on top of my lower legs.  Jack's a big cat; he's overweight.  But even though I was uncomfortable, I was happy to have him there.
Berkeley is cute too.  One time, he lied on the couch in a way that made a perfect pillow for me.  I just had to put my head (gently) toward the couch, and it would land on Berkeley.  He didn't mind being my pillow for a while. 
It's a shame people love their pets so much, but eat meat, and, by doing so, show they don't care about the animals they're eating.  If only people could imagine their cat or dog in place of the chicken, cow, pig, or turkey that had his of her life taken so they could eat whatever they want for lunch.  We're in control.  Humans are the strong, and animals are the weak.  Animals love it when we treat them well.  It's a real shame that we treat so many of them so cruelly.

I Still Love Squirrels

I love all of them.

I've seen so many squirrels in my lifetime, and, in my way, I've loved them all.  I still watch them.  They are not boring to me.  They are cute.
I tried to feed a squirrel that had climbed up a telephone pole.  She was hanging out there, ready to shimmy across the wire to the other side, when I jiggled the bag that held whole walnuts, which, of course, I bought for my squirrel neighbors.  She hesitated.  She seemed to be quite interested in what was going on, but she remained on her lofty perch.  I decided to toss a walnut toward the pole.  I thought she might come down and get it.  She didn't, though.  Instead, she shimmied across the wire toward the east.  I picked up the nut and tossed it onto the grass in front of my windows, hoping I'd see a squirrel get it.  I didn't, though.  The next day, I went out for a job interview, and, when I returned, the nut was gone.  I'm 99.9% sure a squirrel got it, and that's all that matters.
I used to spoil the squirrels around here with whole nuts.  I think either they've forgotten me doing this, or these are some new squirrels on the block.  When I jiggle the nut bag, they don't come hopping towards me like they used to.  On the contrary, the noise seems to scare them away.
Anyway, I had my chance with another squirrel.  She was tens of feet away.  I figured I'd toss the nut in front of her, she'd notice it, then she'd get it.  I threw it badly, though.  Instead of going as far as I wanted it to, it went high.  Give me a break, I was thinking.  Odds are, it would land on the grass.  There's more grass than sidewalk in that area.  Just my luck, it landed on the sidewalk with a loud sound.  The squirrel jumped at the noise, but she recovered quickly.  I think it took at most a second, if not less than one, for her to grab a piece of the nut after it had shattered on the sidewalk.  Then she took off.  She knew she had a rare treat, and she'd better go eat or bury it before another squirrel tried to take it away from her.  

I Love Penny

Got your back.

I finally named her.  She may be the last groundhog left in this immediate area.  There might be another, but she rules the territory around my windows.  It is possible that she has chased all her sisters and her mother away.  She has claimed the hole she grew up in as her own.  The hole is right next to the building I live in.  The first groundhog I ever named, Sheila, used to live in this hole.  Anyway, her name is Penny.  I think it fits her well.  She's very cute, but, then again, the vast majority of them are.  She's been frightened a little too much lately.
The birds were driving me crazy.  Whoever designed the kitchen fans in these buildings is a real dummy.  Birds seem to think they make perfect bird houses.  Since I love animals, I put up with them for the longest time.  Thump!  That's the sound of a bird landing behind the kitchen fan.  You could hear that several more times than you would ever want to in any given day.  Chirp, chirp, chirp!  Birds make so much noise.  Especially baby birds, who are probably saying "Feed me!" most of the time.  I'd finally had enough.  They made so much noise on a daily basis; they were driving me nuts.  I began to try to scare them away.  They'd make their noise, then I would go over to the fan and tap hard on the outside of it: hoping it would scare them away.  It was just a temporary solution, though.  They always came back.  I called the office about it.  The office manager said they can put a cover on it, but they don't like to, because the fan keeps the units from getting too smoky.
I said, "I don't care about that; these birds are driving me crazy!"  Besides, I don't fry, or burn, anything.  I bake potatoes, boil pasta, and so on.  I never do any smoky cooking.  So they put the cover on.  Things were fine for months, but I recently heard the birds again.  I went outside to look, and, sure enough, the cover came off and was hanging open on one side.  But when I went outside to look, I scared Penny.  She had been grazing, and she ran into her hole when she saw or heard me.  So I called the office again and asked them to put the cover back on.  But the next day, I kept hearing the birds.  Since I saw one of the maintenance guys spraying freakin' bushes, instead of covering my fan, I called the office again to say that no one had done it.  I was told it would be done that day.  I went for a walk.  When I returned, I checked to see if the fan had been covered.  Poor Penny, I scared her again.  She dove into her hole.  But then she stuck her head out to look around: very cute.  Finally, the fan was covered.  And no birds were trapped inside.  There were none in there at the time; I checked.  

Bad Groundhog Mommy

What happened to your cheek, baby?

Betsy is a bad groundhog mommy.  As far as she is concerned, her daughters can't go out while she is out.  One of my favorite groundhogs ever, Runty, cautiously approached her mother.  I saw trouble brewing.  Sure enough, she chased after Runty.  Runty ran like her life was at stake; maybe it was.  Betsy chases all of her daughters around.  I guess they're not cute enough for her anymore, and maybe she thinks they should leave the area.  It's a real shame.  Young groundhogs have so much to fear around here.  Of course, yesterday was Independence Day, which meant that idiots were setting off fireworks.  I hate that crap.  I saw the poor, scared groundhogs.  Why must we terrorize the animals of this world so much?
Sometimes the young groundhogs cry when their mommy is chasing them.  I don't blame them.  They have so much to fear.  The damn out-of-control kids around here seem to want to terrorize animals more than anything else.  Thank goodness I'm here to protect them.  I've told kids to leave animals alone twice, and I'll do it as much as I need to.  If their fathers have a problem with that, they better watch it.  I don't care how tough he thinks he is, I won't back down when it comes to protecting animals.  It's wrong for the little bastards to chase and throw rocks at wild animals.  I'll put the fear of god into cruel kids if I need to.
I feel bad for the stray cats in the area, but they scare the hell out of the young groundhogs too.  They're so cute, but they live in a world that frightens them so much.
Betsy is not the only bad groundhog mommy; Sheila was too.  I saw her attack one of her youngsters.  This is such a violent world.  Kill or be killed, they say.  I'm all for peace.  I'll attack no person or animal for no reason.  But if I need to defend myself, or another, I'm ready.  I'm in shape, and I know how to fight.  I won't start trouble, but I'll end it if I have to.
The groundhogs are smart.  I watched Betsy run to the fence which marks the end of the apartment complex.  Then she went under it and into no man's land, which is a narrow wilderness area that stands between this apt. complex and a Wal-Mart.  She'd be safe there.  I wonder if a groundhog dug that hole that goes under the fence.  They are good diggers.  I love 'em all.   

New Babies!

One of the new babies.

What a great spring already.  Daisy, Bumpkin's daughter, gave birth to 5 babies!  They are scared of so much.  You only have so much time to get a picture of them while feeding, because most noises scare the babies into running back to the family hole as fast as possible.  One got real cuddly with her mommy.  They are cute as hell.  I hope the system will let me upload the pics.  If not, I'll have to look into troubleshooting.  These babies need to be seen.
Bumpkin, Sloopy, and Lucinda have spent a lot of time looking at them from the windows.  They all love the babies.  Bumpkin is so moved, that she's postponed her war with humans for control of the world.  She is full of peace and love.  She's been listening to The Beatles' "All You Need Is Love" repeatedly.  She's been listening to "Strawberry Fields Forever" quite a bit too.  The sisters keep sighing and fawning all over the cute little babies.
I saw something troubling this week, though.  I'd seen plenty of squirrels shimmying across the telephone wire in front of my windows before.  But I noticed a squirrel racing across the wire.  There was a good reason for this.  She was being pursued and attacked by 2 sparrows.  What craziness.  I was rooting for the squirrel.
I heard Sloopy and Lucinda squeal with delight.  I rushed to the bedroom.  Sure enough, Bumpkin had teleported 2 of the babies into the bedroom.  At first, they were a little scared.  Suddenly, they were indoors for the first time.  But then they saw the loving looks coming from the sisters.  Bumpkin and Lucinda are cuddling with the babies.  Sloopy started to make whiny noises, so Bumpkin brought another baby up for her to cuddle with.  Now each sister had her very own groundhog baby to cuddle and play with.
"Hey Bumpkin," I said.  "Could you please bring the other 2 babies and Daisy up now?  Daisy might get worried if she can't find her babies.  Then, I'd have a baby to cuddle with too."
"Okay," she replied.  She did it.  Now there were 9 groundhogs in my apartment.  "Let's have a party," she said.
"Sure Bumpkin," I said.  Should I bring out the sod and wheatgrass?"
"But of course," replied Bumpkin, "turnips and radishes too please."
"You got it ma'am." 

They're Back!

Brand new baby groundhog: spring of 2013.

"Will you cut it out already?" I said to the sparrow perched on the telephone line.  She had been chirping the same way over and over and over again.  It's amazing how loud a tiny bird can be.  It's also amazing how annoying they can be.  She just kept on chirping.
"Enough!"  I yelled out the window at her.  I think she heard me, but still she chirped continuously.  This time, I went right up to the window and screamed at her.  She just kept chirping.
"What the heck is going on over there?"  yelled Bumpkin from the bedroom.  "We're trying to watch Groundhog Day here!"
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin," I replied.  "But this bird is driving me nuts!"
Suddenly, the screen slid open, and one of Bumpkin's fireballs of destruction zoomed past me and out the window.  It hit the sparrow and exploded.  The bird had been disintegrated completely.
"Thanks Bumpkin," I said.  Now that that bird was gone, I could hear all the other birds chirping and singing.  One of them was singing a sort of intricate tune.  The problem was it was a very short tune, and she just kept repeating it endlessly.
"Shut up!"  I yelled out the window.  That had no effect whatsoever.
"Hey buster, I told you we're trying to watch a movie in here!" said Bumpkin.
"I'm sorry, but these birds are driving me crazy with all the noise they make.  They never stop; they just keep chirping and singing, chirping and singing till infinity!"
"Do you want me to kill 'em all?" asked Bumpkin.
"No, I guess not," I said.  "Can you think of any other solutions?" I asked.  I immediately noticed that the case that holds my ear plugs opened up.  The ear plugs flew across the room toward me.  Then they gently lodged themselves into my ear canals.
"Thanks Bumpkin, but I was listening to music.  I can't hear the birds now, but I also can't hear the music."
"Shush!"  yelled Bumpkin.  "You always do this when your ear plugs are in.  Your voice gets way too loud!"
I took them out of my ears.  "Sorry Bumpkin, but it seems like there's just no solution to this problem.  Do you think you could ask them to be quiet?"
"I can try, but their bird brains might be too small to properly receive my telepathic request."
"I'd be most grateful if you could give it a shot, Mistress Bumpkin."
"If I do, will you quit your whining?"
"I promise."
"Okay, here it goes."
The birds continued to chirp and sing.
"Did you do it?" I asked.
"Yes, I did it.  I told you I didn't think it would work.  Now will you quit your complaining?"
"Yes, ma'am."  You can't win with these birds.  They're cute, but they're way too noisy.    

Tickle Party!

I believe these groundhogs were born this past winter around here.

"Listen up, everybody," announced Bumpkin to her sisters (Sloopy & Lucinda) and I.  "We are going to have a tickle party, and it begins right now!"  She took off and flew toward me.  Next thing I knew, she was tickling me with her paws.
I giggled like a schoolgirl.   She was moving all around me, while levitated, and tickling various parts of my body.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight in unison, then they scampered toward me and began to tickle my ankles and lower legs, because they have none of Bumpkin's superpowers, so they can only tickle parts of me they can reach from the floor.
In between giggles, I said, "Hey!  This isn't fair!  Everyone's tickling me!"
"Whoever said life was fair, buster?" Bumpkin asked, as she continued to tickle me.
What could I say?  She was right; life isn't always fair.  So I bent down and began to tickle Lucinda's belly.  She giggled, stopped tickling me, and lay down on the floor, where she rolled around.  I tickled her belly continuously.  She was laughing so hard, that tears began streaming down her cute little face.  Meanwhile, Bumpkin found my biggest weakness (tickle-wise): my armpits.  She tickled them mercilessly using her superpowers.  In fact, she took a break to get a snack and watch some of Groundhog Day (again!) while using her powers to tickle all 3 of us.  I could have pointed out to her that she was cheating, but she had just told me that life isn't fair, and she hates to repeat herself.  After all, I alone am the one responsible for the dark netherworld bestowing those powers upon her as a result of coming up with the perfectly cute name for a perfectly cute groundhog.  It just goes to show that even a schmuck like me can alter the course of history.  If, as she plans to, she wrests control of the world from humans, then at least part of the blame (or credit) lies with me. 
Bumpkin, while enjoying a feast of wheatgrass, intensified her tickle attack against me.  Not only was she tickling my armpits, she was also tickling my sides, belly, and back.  I succumbed and got onto the floor.  I was giggling and rolling around on the floor uncontrollably.  She was also using her powers to tickle Sloopy and Lucinda in a major way.  All we could do was roll around and laugh.  If this was a competition, then Bumpkin was clearly the winner.  Although, they say that laughter is good for the soul, and I believe it.  So perhaps we all won that day.
By the way, as the photo I posted this week shows, we've got a couple of new juvenile groundhogs around here this spring.  Because of their coloring, I think they might be Lucinda's girls.  Welcome to Rochester, little ones!

Bumpkin the Deceiver

The deceiver herself: Bumpkin

Bumpkin is the penultimate deceiver.  She is young, cute, and furry.  If someone saw her, they might think, How cute, she must have a walnut-sized brain!  I don't care what the size of Bumpkin's brain is, it's good enough to get the job done.  Bumpkin was thinking about making the jump from mayor of Rochester (She slew the one before her.), to ruling the entire Planet Earth and all of its inhabitants.  She has pondered the move some more since then and has decided to settle for county executive of Monroe County for now.  She said she wants to make sure she's ready when she takes on the entire Planet Earth and all of its inhabitants.  This was her original plan, so perhaps her next step will be to take over the governorship of the state of New York and rename it New Bumpkin.  
I had to look up the directions for the county executive's office on Mapquest, which has never really let me down.  As is my custom, in lieu of printing out the directions, I wrote them down in an effort to save money.  Then I was ready to take the new county executive to her new office.  Well there was a formality to take care of.  The current county executive must somehow be removed from office.  It was a short, pleasant drive.  Bumpkin sat quietly and didn't toss any lethal fireballs out of her left front paw.  Shockingly, she didn't ask me very many questions at all.   We arrived at the building.  I held the door open for her, and she walked in.  I had all the address info, but I checked the plaque anyway.
One of the security guys finally noticed Bumpkin.  "Hey, there's no rodents allowed in here!"  Bumpkin never even looked at the man.  As soon as the R-word had been uttered, she fired one of her fireballs out of her left paw, which struck the security guard hard: knocking him backward several feet into the glass doors, which subsequently shattered, which rained broken glass onto the security guard.  Once Bumpkin found out that the word "rodent" put her into a group that rats belonged to, that totally grossed her out and she won't, for a second, tolerate anyone who tries to group her with some hygienically-challenged rats, as the security guy found out the hard way. 
We finally found the county executive's office after Bumpkin efficiently dispatched the rest of the building's security force within a matter of a few seconds.  She didn't even perspire.  I know, because I know what her perspiration smells like.  It smells like dandelions, grass, and other weeds, because that's what she eats.
"This is Bumpkin," I introduced her to the current county executive.  "She intends to be the new county executive, effective immediately, or she will seize control of the office."
"Yeah, that's fine with me.  She's got it.  She's the new county executive.  I think I'll be leaving now."
Clearly, she believed the rumor that the mayor of Rochester had been slayed by a young groundhog named Bumpkin.  She also probably concluded that it wasn't a coincidence.  She didn't want to have her head separated from the rest of her body, not with fireballs, nor at the business ends of Bumpkin's razor-sharp claws.  However, as she was making her way out of the office, Bumpkin fired a little fireball that hit the former county executive on the backside.  It made her jump from surprise and it singed her skirt, but she hadn't been injured.
"What, pray tell, was that for?"
"For being a coward," I translated for her after Bumpkin answered, telepathically, inside my head instantly.
"Gee whiz, you can't win with these freaking groundhogs!  She singed my best skirt; it's history now!"
"You're lucky to be alive!" I yelled at her.  "Have you any idea how many lives she's taken?  Of course not, you're just like anybody else, you haven't yet met the next supreme ruler of the Planet Earth!  Well, you just did, and I suggest you remember her!  Maybe, if you rush fast enough to kiss her ring, or her feet, the next time you see her, and you will see her again, I guarantee it, then it just might save your life!"  And with that, she left.  I walked back into Bumpkin's office.  I couldn't see her.
"Bumpkin?" I asked.
"I'm over here," she said.  I hadn't been able to see her because she was sitting on her new chair at her new desk, which weren't custom-made for a young groundhog county executive.  What a cutie!  Aside from the security guards, who, let's face it, don't really count anyway, she killed no one.  Not the county executive, nor anyone on the way over here.  The ride back would be another story.

They Will Dance on Your Grave

"We will dance on your graves."

They look so cute.  They're baby groundhogs, they're sisters, and they're dancing.  Look a little closer though.  I asked Bumpkin and Sloopy why they were dancing.  Bumpkin said, and I quote, "We're practicing dancing on the graves of our enemies."  How has it gotten to this point?   It's not enough to impale and destroy, she also has to dance on her victim's graves?  And must she drag Sloopy into it, who I always thought was sweet.  I think she is, but, unfortunately, Bumpkin is probably controlling Sloopy to some extent, if not completely.  Sloopy hasn't been blessed (or cursed?) with the superpowers that have recently been bestowed upon Bumpkin by the dark netherworld. 
Bumpkin likes a lot of music, but lately she's been into Gangsta Rap.  She likes 'Pac, Jay-Z, and Eminem.  The dance her and Sloopy were doing was a sort of gangsta strut or gangsta stroll, as it were.  They stood up on their hindquarters (love that word), lowered their front legs, and did a slow gangsta roll, homie.  At least that's what Bumpkin called it.  It sounded about right to me; that's what it looked like, come to think of it.  But she could be wrong, we mustn't forget, she's superpowerful, but she's still just a wee-lil' baby groundhog after all.  So she could be wrong as far as what the dance she and Sloopy were doing is literally called, but she might be right too.  For a baby groundhog, she's a pretty smart cookie.  She'd likely destroy you in a trivia contest; she's a very quick study.  Of course, once she destroys you in trivia, she might elect to destroy your body and soul simultaneously.  And if she does, you're toast.  I've seen it before.  Consider yourself warned.  Do you want to become a fresh Bumpkin victim?  Maybe she'll write Sloopy's name in blood the next time she murders.  Her's was the first name to be written in blood on a sidewalk in my apartment complex.  I assume Sloopy will be next.  She seems to be closer to Bumpkin than their other sister, Lucinda, is.  Lucinda is, of course, very cute, but she's a little pudgy too.   She takes after her mother in that way.  Mother, like daughter, is a natural zaftig beauty.  There is photographic evidence to support these claims.  Trust me, if you are ever fortunate to have juvenile groundhogs living right next to you, you'd likely fall for them.  I love them.