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Living life with one foot in the grave is complicated. I think about suicide every day. When you think you might be committing suicide in the near future, it can make it difficult to plan ahead. Why should I do this or that thing I don't want to do if I'm gong to kill myself soon? Why should I clean if I don't want to (and I never want to)? Why should I apply to a job that I don't really want? Why should I take shit from someone? Why not let them have it (verbally, not physically)? Because I might not have the balls to kill myself. It's harder than it may seem. Although, you can change that. There recently was a double murder suicide fairly close to the city where I live. This guy killed his ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend with a knife. Then he killed himself with the knife. Suicide by knife is not how I would do it, but the thought of going to prison for the rest of his life probably made it easier for him to do it.
Living with a foot in the grave affects what I post on this blog. Should I hold on to stuff, because I might be able to publish it in the future for money? Some publishers aren't interested in anything that's been published previously elsewhere: even on a little blog like this one. Should I not hold back and post everything, because my living days are numbered?
I hope this blog will help people understand what it's like to have depression. It's brutal. It's hard to put into words how miserable I am. Life feels like a prison, and death seems like freedom. Some would consider all this talk about suicide, coming from someone who's alive, to be bullshit. However, I have attempted suicide, which means I'm in a high-risk group to eventually complete the act Years ago, I bought a how-to-commit-suicide book, which mentioned the various methods: how successful they are, how much pain is involved, etc. If I kill myself, then all this hoopla about suicide will have been validated. And if I don't, then hopefully I've helped people understand what it's like to have depression.
