Stoned to Death

Fear not the bad man anymore, baby groundhog.

Bumpkin found out about what the evil elderly man did to the baby groundhogs; he threw rocks at them.  I'm sure he never imagined how he sealed his fate with the first rock he threw.  He angered the most powerful sentient being in the history of the world.  She got up early and waited for the nasty man to walk by.  She stared out the window for hours.  She saw him.  She levitated rocks from all over the area.  Once they were in the air, they hurtled at great speed toward the man.  He was shocked.  He was pelted over and over again with rocks.  He tried to cover his head and run, but he was constantly being hit by rocks.  Bumpkin did not want him to run away.  He was going to die; that was certain.  Bumpkin wanted him to die within sight of the hole where the baby groundhogs and their mother were attacked by him.  She sent 2 rocks at hyper velocity toward the man's kneecaps.  The rocks shattered them.  He had no choice but to crumple to the ground.  Rocks continued to hit him mercilessly.  He continued to cover his head with his arms.
"Suffer if you want to," said Bumpkin.  She increased the speed of the rocks that hit him.  Blood stained the man's white shirt.
Sweetpea poked her sweet little head out of the hole to see what was going on.
"That's right, Sweetpea," Bumpkin said.  "Come on out and watch the bad man die.  He won't try to hurt you or your sisters anymore.  He's going to die."
Sweetpea came out of the hole and so did her mother and sisters.  They watched as the man's body continued to be struck by rocks.  Sweetpea scampered over to the man.  By this time, he had lost a lot of blood.  Sweetpea dipped her front left paw into a pool of blood and began to write on the sidewalk.
"I knew it," said Bumpkin.  "I knew that Sweetpea is far from being the average groundhog."
Sure enough, Sweetpea wrote her name on the sidewalk using the bad man's blood.  When she was finished, she calmly crawled onto the grass and began to eat.
"Now the circle is complete," said Bumpkin.  "Sweetpea and I have enough power between us to conquer the universe.  I'm sure of it."
The man continued to bleed.  In fact, he bled out and perished where he fell.
"Good riddance," declared Bumpkin.   

Mind the Gap

Blood of my Blood.

This is a public service announcement: without guitars.  This weekend, my friend and I went to see a stand-up comedian perform at the Comedy Club in Webster, NY, which is a Rochester suburb.  I couldn't believe how loud his mic had been turned up.  I've seen a bunch of comedians there; they have had plenty of impressive talents gracing their stage.  Anyway, this comedian was so loud, that I needed to go to my car to get my earplugs, which I usually bring everywhere with me, because everyone I know plays their music and/or TV too loud for my sensitive ears.  I was running behind the Comedy Club to my car.  I didn't notice a step on the sidewalk.  I tripped over it and landed on my hands and my right knee.   The picture I'm posting with this is of the tissue I used to absorb the blood that came from my hands afterward.  My right hand was worse.  A strawberry-sized piece of skin had been completely removed from my hand as a result of the trip.  The left hand wasn't much better.  The skin had been broken in several places on the palm.
Sure, what I did was stupid.  But I wonder whether it even makes sense for that step to be where it is.  It comes out of nowhere, and I bet it's tripped lots of people.  It's dark back there.  I think they should have an outside light over that step, so people can see it.  Of course we need to watch our steps.  We should look to see exactly where we're stepping and whether it's safe or not.
The baby groundhogs continue to grow.  They really grow too quickly.   For the first time, I stretched my neck so I could get a look at them climbing into their hole in the ground from my bedroom window.  They're great, but the sad part is that new babies means in with the new and out with the old.  Groundhogs can be tough and ornery.  I think the mother always chases away other groundhogs once she's had her babies.  She wants to protect them.  She has the instinct.
I'm worried about me naming one of the babies Sweetpea.  I wonder if this will be another situation where I helped a groundhog get her superpowers.  As was the case with Bumpkin, a perfectly cute groundhog has received a perfectly cute name.  Have I done it again?  Will Sweetpea get superpowers?  Will she be able to fling fireballs from her left paw like Bumpkin can?  Time will tell.
Bumpkin, and her sisters Lucinda and Sloopy, are still in love with the new babies.  Bumpkin has indefinitely postponed her war against humans for control of the world.  She's full of peace and love.  Once again, humans have the luck of the Irish.  If not for the recent births of these 5 babies, she'd be wreaking havoc against them for sure.  

New Babies!

One of the new babies.

What a great spring already.  Daisy, Bumpkin's daughter, gave birth to 5 babies!  They are scared of so much.  You only have so much time to get a picture of them while feeding, because most noises scare the babies into running back to the family hole as fast as possible.  One got real cuddly with her mommy.  They are cute as hell.  I hope the system will let me upload the pics.  If not, I'll have to look into troubleshooting.  These babies need to be seen.
Bumpkin, Sloopy, and Lucinda have spent a lot of time looking at them from the windows.  They all love the babies.  Bumpkin is so moved, that she's postponed her war with humans for control of the world.  She is full of peace and love.  She's been listening to The Beatles' "All You Need Is Love" repeatedly.  She's been listening to "Strawberry Fields Forever" quite a bit too.  The sisters keep sighing and fawning all over the cute little babies.
I saw something troubling this week, though.  I'd seen plenty of squirrels shimmying across the telephone wire in front of my windows before.  But I noticed a squirrel racing across the wire.  There was a good reason for this.  She was being pursued and attacked by 2 sparrows.  What craziness.  I was rooting for the squirrel.
I heard Sloopy and Lucinda squeal with delight.  I rushed to the bedroom.  Sure enough, Bumpkin had teleported 2 of the babies into the bedroom.  At first, they were a little scared.  Suddenly, they were indoors for the first time.  But then they saw the loving looks coming from the sisters.  Bumpkin and Lucinda are cuddling with the babies.  Sloopy started to make whiny noises, so Bumpkin brought another baby up for her to cuddle with.  Now each sister had her very own groundhog baby to cuddle and play with.
"Hey Bumpkin," I said.  "Could you please bring the other 2 babies and Daisy up now?  Daisy might get worried if she can't find her babies.  Then, I'd have a baby to cuddle with too."
"Okay," she replied.  She did it.  Now there were 9 groundhogs in my apartment.  "Let's have a party," she said.
"Sure Bumpkin," I said.  Should I bring out the sod and wheatgrass?"
"But of course," replied Bumpkin, "turnips and radishes too please."
"You got it ma'am." 

A Trip to the Zoo

Baby groundhog: spring 2013.

"We're going to the zoo today," Bumpkin announced.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight; I did not.  "You're going too, buster," Bumpkin said to me.
"Okay," I said.  "I don't like zoos, but I know you don't like them either.  So I have a feeling that you have a plan in mind."
"You better believe it, buster," Bumpkin replied.
So I opened the car doors for my groundhog friends, and they clambered into the car.  "Who's driving?  You or I?" I asked Bumpkin.
"You," she replied.
That made sense.  We live quite close to the Seneca Park Zoo.  We were off.  Bumpkin used her powers to roll the passenger-side window down all the way.  It wasn't very warm out, so I was a little worried about what she had in mind.  Sure enough, she wasted no time in launching one of her fireballs out the open window.  I heard the explosion and looked toward it.  She had completely destroyed a steak house.  I just kept driving.  Phoosh!  Another fireball left the car.  This one hit a restaurant.  Again, it was leveled.
"You don't like restaurants very much today, do you Bumpkin?"
"I wouldn't have destroyed them if they were vegan restaurants, but any restaurant that serves animal meat must be vanquished.  So many humans are just fine with the mass murder of animals for food and other reasons.  Those days are over.  Any human who eats animal meat needs to stop immediately or take a dirt nap.  Humans don't need to eat meat.  They do it out of selfishness.  They don't care about the animals that they're eating; that's for sure."
We finally made it to the zoo.  There was a line of cars waiting to get in to the parking lot.  My car suddenly went airborne, courtesy of Bumpkin no doubt, and soared over all the other cars.  She set us down gently in the middle of the zoo; then she got out of the car.  She left the ground and began to fly.  Whenever she passed an animal, she used her powers to open the cage.  Once the animal left the cage, he or she levitated and flew away.  Lions, seals, rhinos, tigers-they were all freed, and they all flew off in different directions. It didn't take her long to free every single animal in the zoo.  She returned to the car.
"That was very nice of you to free those animals, Bumpkin.  Where did they go?"
"I sent all of them to their natural habitats; where they belong."
"Good intentions, Bumpkin, good intentions.  But these animals are used to being fed by people, they might have a lot of trouble dealing with their new surroudings."
"As usual, I'm way ahead of you buster.  I've already sent instructions, telepathically, to animals that are living freely in the areas where these will be sent.  These free animals will take these newly liberated animals under their wings and take good care of them.
"Amazing, Bumpkin, just amazing.  Is there anything you can't do?"
"No." 

Once again, I tried to post a picture with this, but the system wouldn't let me.

Beware!

Groundhog baby.

"The biggest problem right now is all the animals that are being mistreated by people," Bumpkin said.  "They need help, and they are my biggest priority."
That is why her, her sisters (Sloopy and Lucinda), and I got into my car.  Before I could even start her up, the car went airborne: courtesy of Bumpkin's superpowers.  We went straight up into space.  After a brief period of warp-speed space travel, my car abruptly took a nose dive.  We slowed down just in time for a perfectly smooth landing.  A building stood before us that looked like a warehouse.  However, in the next moment, the building levitated to reveal all the chickens that had been crammed into that space.  They had been living in complete darkness every moment of every day, because it's a way in which people manipulate chickens for their own selfish purposes.  The chickens began to walk around freely.  The building that Bumpkin had levitated went further up into the sky, where she completely incinerated it with one of her fireballs.
"Hey, what the hell is going on around here?!"  This was the guy who had been keeping these poor chickens in miserable and overcrowded conditions.  He was a big, stupid-looking guy.  Bumpkin hit him in the chest with a fast fireball.  It knocked him back several feet.  He landed on his back: dead.  His chest was smoldering.
I saw a massive amount of chicken wire headed our way.  Bumpkin used it to line the nearby streets.  She probably did that to keep the chickens off the roads: to keep them safe.  These chickens were free.  After doing some squinting, they were getting used to the sun.  They were free to walk on dirt and grass: not a warehouse or cage floor.  After making sure they had enough food and water to last them a while, we were off to our next destination.
"What will happen to those chickens, Bumpkin?"
"I've texted PETA and Farm Sanctuary to let them know what happened.  They will send real animal lovers here to take care of them."
Next thing I knew, my car was hovering in front of a large office building.  I recognized the name in front of the building; it was a huge corporation that has made a lot of money while making many chickens miserable.  Here today, gone tomorrow.  Bumpkin leveled the building with one of her giant fireballs.  The animals of the world finally have the liberator they needed so badly.        

War!

Three of the five babies.

Bumpkin continues to wage war against the humans for control of the world.  "I'm not doing this for myself.  I don't need to be fighting a war against all the Earth's humans, I'd rather surf the web, watch TV, or go out with boy groundhogs, but humans are destroying this planet with their ways.  People pollute, they're greedy, violent, sadistic, selfish, and brutal.  Us animals have lived under your thumbs for too long.  It's our turn.  Animals must be given control of the world or I will take it: no matter how many human lives must be lost.  I shall punctuate my remarks by launching a fireball that  will destroy a vessel within a fleet of Japanese whalers that is attempting to kill whales," said Bumpkin.
She used her powers to open the screen, another fireball of destruction emerged from her left front paw, which promptly flew out of the window, grew in size while hovering outside the window, then abruptly headed off, at great speed, toward its target.
"That's it.  Interview over," declared Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am," said local TV broadcaster Lia Lando.
The crew began to pack up their junk.  This interview had been shot in my apartment.  So much for keeping a low profile.  I think the only way I'll get my security deposit back is if Bumpkin uses her powers to help me.
"Will you get out of here already?" Bumpkin queried.
"Sure, we're just packing up our stuff.  It takes a little while," said Lia.
"No it doesn't," said Bumpkin.  The crew's equipment began to fly out of the window and land on the grass outside the building.  In a matter of seconds, all their stuff was out of my apartment.  "Now get lost," she commanded.  They all left.  Lia Lando is the most beautiful woman I've ever had over; that's for sure.  I doubt a more beautiful woman will ever grace this unit again.
"Bumpkin, my apartment is going to be a huge target now.  What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know how many times I have to say this.  The harder they come, the harder they'll fall.  You are fortunate enough to be the safest human on Earth, as long as you don't test my patience too much, because you have my protection, cause you're on my team and...What do you even do around here?"
"Well, for one thing, you and your sisters have been living in my apartment for several months now.  Also, you told me I'm the best groundhog masseuse of all time."
"That's right," replied Bumpkin.  "It's time to justify your existence."
"Yes, ma'am," I said, as I made my way over to her and began to rub her tiny shoulders.
"Turn on the news," she said.
"Sure Mistress Bumpkin," I replied.  I stopped massaging her just long enough to turn the TV on.
"Once again, if you're just joining us, we have breaking news of a Japanese whaling vessel exploding in the middle of a whale hunt.  The vessel has been completely destroyed," said a pretty female newscaster. 
Sorry no photo.  Something must be wrong with blogger today.  I've tried over and over again, and they won't let me post a photo today.  I'll fix it when I can.  Cheerio!

 

Let's Go to the Beach: Part Deux

It's Rusty (Lucinda's son) and Daisy (Bumpkin's daughter).

I opened the car doors and flipped the levers so the front seats would move forward and allow my groundhog friends, Sloopy and Lucinda, to climb into the car and onto the back seat.  Bumpkin sat up front with me.
"All right.  I guess we're ready to go to the beach!" I said.
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with excitement, and we were off.  I couldn't help noticing that Bumpkin had used her superpowers to open the car's passenger-side window all the way.  I was hoping that she did that for the fresh air.  However, she raised her front left paw and launched several fireballs from it, in rapid-fire succession, that slipped right out the window she had opened.  Boom!  One of the fireballs hit a gas station, which caused a massive explosion.  Sloopy and Lucinda loved it.  She also destroyed some cars, and more buildings, with the first fusillade of the day.  Her actions surprised me, but I said nothing.  Bumpkin had said she was going to wage war against humans for control of the world this spring, and, obviously, she meant it.  At this point, fireballs were popping out of her left paw like popcorn.  One after the other they came.  Again, they hit cars and buildings: stores and houses alike.  The war had begun.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She appeared to be as cool as a cucumber.  Her mastery of the fireballs of destruction is complete.  She wasn't even breaking a sweat.
After causing much destruction, we arrived at the beach.  I got out of the car, opened the doors, and moved the seats forward so Lucinda and Sloopy could get out.  We walked toward the beach.  I suppose it's a bit of a strange sight to see a human walking to the beach with 3 groundhogs, so people did their share of staring.  Unfortunately, for them, Bumpkin was in no mood to be stared at.  Everyone that pointed, stared at, or talked about us got their buns toasted by one of Bumpkin's fireballs.  I saw some boats on the lake.  Bumpkin saw them too.  She sent at least one fireball to each and every one of the boats we saw.  The fireballs detonated on the boats.  There were explosions, fires, and boats were sinking.  She even flung one at a passing plane.  She nailed it.  It exploded and suddenly fell from the sky.  It crashed into the lake.
War has begun.  People get ready for a new world leader: a groundhog named Bumpkin.    

Tickle Party!

I believe these groundhogs were born this past winter around here.

"Listen up, everybody," announced Bumpkin to her sisters (Sloopy & Lucinda) and I.  "We are going to have a tickle party, and it begins right now!"  She took off and flew toward me.  Next thing I knew, she was tickling me with her paws.
I giggled like a schoolgirl.   She was moving all around me, while levitated, and tickling various parts of my body.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight in unison, then they scampered toward me and began to tickle my ankles and lower legs, because they have none of Bumpkin's superpowers, so they can only tickle parts of me they can reach from the floor.
In between giggles, I said, "Hey!  This isn't fair!  Everyone's tickling me!"
"Whoever said life was fair, buster?" Bumpkin asked, as she continued to tickle me.
What could I say?  She was right; life isn't always fair.  So I bent down and began to tickle Lucinda's belly.  She giggled, stopped tickling me, and lay down on the floor, where she rolled around.  I tickled her belly continuously.  She was laughing so hard, that tears began streaming down her cute little face.  Meanwhile, Bumpkin found my biggest weakness (tickle-wise): my armpits.  She tickled them mercilessly using her superpowers.  In fact, she took a break to get a snack and watch some of Groundhog Day (again!) while using her powers to tickle all 3 of us.  I could have pointed out to her that she was cheating, but she had just told me that life isn't fair, and she hates to repeat herself.  After all, I alone am the one responsible for the dark netherworld bestowing those powers upon her as a result of coming up with the perfectly cute name for a perfectly cute groundhog.  It just goes to show that even a schmuck like me can alter the course of history.  If, as she plans to, she wrests control of the world from humans, then at least part of the blame (or credit) lies with me. 
Bumpkin, while enjoying a feast of wheatgrass, intensified her tickle attack against me.  Not only was she tickling my armpits, she was also tickling my sides, belly, and back.  I succumbed and got onto the floor.  I was giggling and rolling around on the floor uncontrollably.  She was also using her powers to tickle Sloopy and Lucinda in a major way.  All we could do was roll around and laugh.  If this was a competition, then Bumpkin was clearly the winner.  Although, they say that laughter is good for the soul, and I believe it.  So perhaps we all won that day.
By the way, as the photo I posted this week shows, we've got a couple of new juvenile groundhogs around here this spring.  Because of their coloring, I think they might be Lucinda's girls.  Welcome to Rochester, little ones!

Bumpkin Industries

Lucinda's gettin' some sun.

We here at the newly-formed Bumpkin Industries want to be the answer to all your Bumpkin needs: now and forever.  Please allow me to introduce myself.  I go by the name the Bald Vegan on this blog, but I'm currently merely vegetarian and not eating cheese, pizza, ice cream, and anything that has egg in it.  My downfall lately has been milk chocolate: especially Reese's peanut butter cups.
But I digress, I am the vice-president of Bumpkin Industries.  The president, and CEO, of Bumpkin Industries is a groundhog named Bumpkin.  Those of you who are in the know understand how a groundhog could run a multinational corporation while planning an attack on the humans for control of the world.  You see, she's got these superpowers...
The sky is the limit for Bumpkin Industries.  As long as we can get off our lazy duffs enough, Bumpkin Industries is liable to become an industry leader in the world of industry.  Please walk with us, hand by hand, into the cornucopia that is the future.
In Bumpkin's infinite wisdom, the full range of Bumpkin-inspired paraphernalia with ultimately unfold right before everyone's eyes.
"Hey, schmucko.  Did you get a date yet?"  Bumpkin asked me.
"No," I had to admit.
"Hey, Lucinda and Sloopy, he's been sending a poop-load of messages to human women on Plenty of Fish, and no one's even responded to any of them."
All 3 groundhog sisters laughed.
"I'll get a date, Bumkpin.  You'll see."
"Yeah, right.  If I use my superpowers to help you, maybe you could get a date.  But without the use of superpowers, forget it buster brown!"
"I don't like the way this is going.  Now I'm worried that you'll use your superpowers against me, to keep me from getting a date.  I just can't win around here."
"Stop crying, you big baby.   You're like over 40 years older than me; grow up already."
"Sorry, Bumpkin.  You're right."
"If you want, I could use my powers to get you a date.  I can turn women into brain-dead zombies that will obey your every command."
"That sounds nice, Bumpkin, but I'd like to get dates on my own steam."
"Have it your way.  It could take years for you to get a date: good luck, buster."
"Thanks Bumpkin."

Holy Asteroids, Part Deux: Kickin' Asteroids.

This is Lucinda on St. Patrick's Day 2013.

Once we had packed snacks and water for the trip, Bumpkin created the life-sustaining bubble of the sort we usually use for space travel.  As usual, it will provide us with all the protection we may require: both as an outer tough wall while effortlessly maintaining the Earthly balance of gases, temperatures, and climates that we Earthlings are used to.
We took off.  We pretty much teleported right into orbit.  It's the kind of speed that Bumpkin can work with; she's amazing.  Especially when you consider that she's a groundhog; although, she's also the possessor of some of the most incredible superpowers to be bestowed upon anyone: let alone a groundhog.
Phoosh!  Bumpkin fired one of her fireballs of destruction at a nearby asteroid: direct hit!  It exploded into tiny pebbles: success!  The resulting fragments were clearly too small to ever do any damage to Mother Earth.  Bumpkin saw the results, and in the next moment, she hit another asteroid with a fireball.  It also detonated into pebbles.  She was gettin' some real work done, yes sir.  When nobody else can do nuthin' about it, sometimes the strong need to step up and mind the stopgap.  Pow!  A third asteroid was reduced to rubble by Miss Bumpy.
"Look at that big-ass one," Bumpkin told us.  We looked at the gigantic asteroid she was pointing at with her left front paw.  It was far away, a safe distance, but it was massive.  It was more than a city killer; it looked like a country killer.  Bumpkin flung a huge fireball at the mammoth asteroid.  It took a few seconds to get there; then it tore that humongous asteroid apart with a spectacular explosion.
"You nipped it in the bud, Bumpkin," I said.
"Of course.  That used to be a giant space rock that's just gonna keep floating around in space: always posing a future threat.  Now, thanks to one of my specially-tailored fireballs, it's nothing but billions and billions of tiny, practically weightless pebbles."
"On behalf of all Earthlings, please accept our heartfelt thanks.'
"Yeah.  That and 5 bucks will get me a coffee at Starbucks."
"Should I try to get out the word that you did this?"
"Do whatever you want to do.  Just realize that if you tell people a talking groundhog destroyed some asteroids today with fireballs that came out of her left front paw, then be my guest.  They'd just think you're loony tunes."    

Holy Asteroids!

Bumpkin was very young in this one.

"Phooey!" said Bumpkin.  "I'm tired of hearing about all these darn near misses with asteroids or meteors, or whatever the heck they're called!  Since, as usual, no one else is stepping up to do anything about it, I'll have to put in some time!  Who wants to come with me to reduce some asteroids to rubble?"
Sloopy and Lucinda cheered; I did not.
"You're going too, buster," Bumpkin said to me.
"Wow.  All of a sudden: deja vu."
"If all humans are as unappreciative as you are, then you all shall deserve to be slaughtered big time when I finally make my big move.  I'm taking you safely through space; not even Micheal Jordan can do that."
"I am so glad and grateful I've been to the moon, Mars, and Uranus.  I especially liked Uranus."
"I like Uranus too," Bumpkin replied.   We all had a good chuckle.
"I'm just tired of wearing adult diapers and pooping myself during bowel-wrenching space travel."
"Speak for yourself, poopypants.  It doesn't bother my bowels at all."
"With all due respect, Madame Bumpkin, you have very powerful forces protecting you and giving you a multitude of superpowers.  I bet you don't even feel pain."
"What is pain?"
"Something you don't feel.  And you're probably lucky to not feel it; especially since you have rapid automatic self-healing powers. "
"Yes, it's good to be me; for I shall be king of the world soon," said Bumpkin.
"Well, they say that the meek shall inherit the Earth."
"Who the heck says that?"
"People."
"That figures.  Lots of people are dumb."
"I must admit you are correct.  And the fact that you, who's a groundhog, said such a truism is all the more astonishing."
"Carpe diem.  Now, let's go bust up some asteroids!"
This time, we all cheered.  Why not?  It did sound like fun, and I'm sure we'd be safe, but I'm worried I'll poop my pants again.  What the heck?  I'll make it a personal challenge.  My goal is a noble one; I wish to not poop my pants today. 

TO BE CONTINUED...

I've Been to Uranus!

Take me to Uranus, and let me play among the stars.

Once again, thanks to Bumpkin, and adult diapers, I did not soil my car seat as we traveled to Uranus.  We don't need the car.  I don't start it up or anything.  It's all under Bumpkin's control, and she essentially teleported my car, her, Sloopy, Lucinda (Bumpkin's sisters), and I to Uranus.  I checked my watch, it took 42 seconds for us to travel to Uranus.
Uranus is a barren, godforsaken planet.  There was no sign of life.  It was freakin cold until Bumpkin turned up the heat in the temporary life-supporting bubble that she creates for us every time we travel through space.
"Ah, Bumpkin, could you change me?"
"Look buster, I told you.  I've changed you for the last time.  The adult diapers were my brilliant idea.  After that, I hereby retired from changing your poopy drawers. "
"I know, but it would be so easy with your powers."
"You've got 2 hands, buster.  Change yourself," Bumpkin suggested.
"Yes, ma'am.  Where's the diaper bag?"
"You didn't bring it?"
"No, Miss Bumpkin."
"Well, I didn't bring it.  It's not my responsibility; it's yours."
"Oh great.  I guess I can't change now."
"You got no one to blame but yourself.  Hey!  Sloopy!  Lucinda!  He pooped in his pants, and he forgot his diaper bag!"  Bumpkin said.
Sloopy and Lucinda laughed hard and loudly.  Soon, all 3 groundhog sisters were rolling around, their little bodies racked with laughter, on the surface of Uranus.
Bumpkin stopped laughing long enough to say, "Didn't you have that big-ass burrito yesterday?"
"Yes," I had to admit.
Now the sisters were convulsed with laughter.  I don't care that I'm the butt (no pun intended) of the joke.  I just love hearing my girls laugh: on Uranus to boot. 
We explored Uranus.  Bumpkin took some geological samples that she intended to test.  Who knows?  Perhaps Bumpkin will build a colony for animals or humans on Uranus.  She has so much power and imagination.  She's capable of fixing nearly every imaginable, and conceivable, problem.  I'm so lucky to have her as a friend.  I just wish she'd change me and remember to bring the diaper bag.

I've Been to Mars!

Bumpkin got us to Mars in 35 seconds flat.

"Who wants to go to Mars?" is how it started.  Who asked that bold question?  Bumpkin.  Sloopy and Lucinda cheered: I did not.
"You're going too buster," Bumpkin informed me.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  I don't want to give her any more reasons to launch any more fireballs at my backside.  She has toasted my buns.
"You know what to do," Bumpkin said to me.
"Put on an adult diaper."
"Exactly."
"Will do, Mistress Bumpkin."
"Although, this time, we'll be travelling in your car.  My hope is that you won't want to soil the seat of your own car, so maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to hold it in and not poop your pants, for a change, during space travel."
"We shall see my princess."
"And pack some food, Jackamoe."
"Yes ma'am."
When we were all ready, we went downstairs and got into my car.  I've driven Bumpkin around quite a bit, but I think that's the first time I ever had all 3 of the sisters in my car at once.  It might be the first time I ever had Sloopy and Lucinda in my car.  Holy crap!  I better bring some sort of a litter box: even if it's just a temporary one.  I don't know how long it will take us to get to Mars, but knowing Bumpkin, and how her superpowers just keep getting stronger and stronger, it probably won''t take us long.  She pretty much has the power of teleportation, so I estimate my car will be landing in Mars about 42 seconds after the Ford Escort is launched: perhaps sooner, but certainly not later that that.
Yes, I checked my watch, and it took us 35 seconds.   Bumpkin has, as usual, manufactured an environment for us within an invisible bubble that allows us to breath and function as we normally do.  They're right; it is red.  It's definitely red.  It's also dusty and rocky balboa. 
"I want a freaking sandwich," Bumpkin declared.
Why the heck not?  Right now, Lebron James is the toast of the town.  First of all, he's no Michael Jordan, he may be one day, but he certainly isn't yet.  The point is, let's see Lebron safely transport a Ford Escort to Mars from the Earth (obviously) in 35 seconds.
By the way, I didn't poop my pants this time!

Bumpkin Ate Human Flesh!

This groundhog likes the taste of human flesh.

I came home one fine day.  After saying hi to Bumpkin, Lucinda, and Sloopy, who were watching Groundhog Day again (How many times have they seen it?  I lost count, but it's well over 100 times for sure.), I changed into my pajamas and slippers.  Then I went to the fridge to get some cold water.  I opened the door, and there it was: a human head!  I screamed like a little girl.  I couldn't help it.  Then I heard it: laughter.  Bumpkin, Sloopy, and Lucinda were laughing their little groundhog heads off.  I slammed the fridge door shut and marched to their bedroom.
"What have you done this time, Bumpkin?" I asked.
"Hey, watch your tone, buster!  I'll forgive you this time, because you screaming like that is the funniest thing I ever heard!"  She cracked up laughing, and she was joined by Sloopy and Lucinda.
"It's not funny, Bumpkin.  I assume you killed that guy.  You're going to get us into big trouble."
"The harder they come, the harder they'll fall.  If they want to come after me, they know where to find me.  Anyone seeking vengeance against me will suffer a similar fate."
"Where's the rest of him?"
"We ate him," replied Bumpkin.
"Wow.  How did he taste?"
"Pretty darn good."
"I don't really have a problem with you guys eating human flesh.  After all, people eat all kinds of animals.  Who am I to say that animals shouldn't eat people?  How did this all happen?"
"There was a knock at the door.  I ignored it.  Then I heard the door unlocking and opening."
"Uh-oh," I said.
"As I was saying, I heard someone come into the apartment.  So I came out to investigate.  This guy was standing there.  He just stared at me like a big dummy.  I knew I had to snuff him, but I didn't want to make a mess in the apartment."
"Thank you."
"So I used my powers to open the window and screen.  I tossed him outside the window, and kept him suspended in midair.  Then I separated his head from his body.  I let the blood drain out of his head, then I put it in the fridge as a joke for you to find."
"Good one.  You got me."
"Obviously.  Then I burned his clothes off with a fireball.  And then I cooked him with another fireball at 400 degrees for about an hour.  He was delicious."
"Excuse me for a moment please," I said to the sisters.  I walked back into the kitchen and opened the fridge.  Sure enough, I recognized the man.  He was one of the maintenance workers at the apartment complex.  Poor bastard.  He was just trying to do his job.

Day of the Groundhog

The day of the groundhog is approaching.

This is what the future will be like.  Groundhogs, thanks to Bumpkin, will rule the Earth.  They will all be free to do whatever they want, whenever they want.  No longer shall they run and hide in fear from humans.  They will all be free to graze, walk, sit on their butts, and fornicate wherever they wish to do so.  Their time is coming.  As Bumpkin said, humans have had their chance, and now it's the groundhogs' turn.
One of Bumpkin's plans is to free all the animals that are being imprisoned in zoos.  The cages won't go to waste though.  Bumpkin will fill them with all different kinds of humans.  In this cage, you'll see a UPS guy.  In the next, you'll find a plumber.  Then you'll come across a police officer and so on.  The zoos will be open to all species of animals: as long as they can behave themselves.  And by behave themselves, Bumpkin means they better not attack any other animals who are trying to enjoy the human zoo, or they will have to answer to her.
Bumpkin feels connected to all the animals of the world.  It seems possible that groundhogs will enjoy preferential treatment though.  They will all certainly enjoy her protection.  For instance, I wouldn't want to trade places with a dog that has attacked a groundhog.  In the new order, violence will be met with violence.  It makes sense to me.  That's why I don't go around attacking animals or people.  If I commit violence against another sentient being, then, logically, I can expect some violence to come my way.
Bumpkin won't tolerate any violence whatsoever.  There will be no valid excuses.  All living earthlings, including predators, must become vegans.  She'll give you 2 choices: become vegan or be eradicated.  She's seen enough of animals ripping each other apart on the Discovery Channel.  It grosses her out and makes her sick.  She won't allow anyone to eat any eggs either.  Those eggs were meant to hatch: not be eaten by some fat ass.  Milk products will also be a no-no.  Cow's milk, obviously, exists to feed their calves, and in the future, it will.  No longer will humans tug at cow's udders or use machines to do it.  Anyone who persists in this sort of behavior will be wiped from the face of the Earth.
Will Bumpkin alter the natural order of things here on Earth?  Absolutely.  Will overpopulation be a problem?  I don't think so.  Based on what I've seen, there seems to be no limit to her superpowers; they just keep getting stronger every day.  I think she has the ability to send plants and animals to other planets, solar systems, and universes.  Whenever it becomes too crowded on Earth, she'll just send more people, animals, and plants to other planets and moons.  And there, with Bumpkin's assistance, they will thrive. 
Change is coming.  Get ready for it.            

Snow!

Winter wonderland

Nemo dumped a lot of snow on Rochester over the past couple of days.  It's a winter wonderland!  Even better, my guests have never seen snow before.  Bumpkin used her superpowers to levitate herself, so she could look out the window at the falling snow.  Lucinda looked at me and made lots of whiny noises. 
"What does she want, Bumpkin?"
"She wants you to pick her up so she can look out the window."
"It would be my pleasure."  I bent down to pick her up, and she opened her front legs wide with anticipation.  I picked her up and held her close to me.  Lucinda looked out the window and squealed with delight.  I felt something tugging at my left pajama pants' leg.  I looked down and saw Sloopy looking at me with her front legs open wide.
"Bumpkin, I think Sloopy wants to look out of the window too.  Could you give her a boost?"
"But of course."  Just like that, Bumpkin used her powers to levitate Sloopy so she could see the snow.  Sloopy squealed delightedly.
"That's enough looking.  Let's go outside!"  Bumpkin said.  That led to the loudest squeals I ever heard Sloopy and Lucinda emit.  I began to get bundled up for the cold weather.
"I don't have any clothes that would fit you guys, but I do have some extra hats.  You're welcome to wear them."
"We will wear the hats," said Bumpkin.  I got them out and tossed them onto the floor.  Bumpkin chose a black knit hat, Sloopy selected a blue one, and Lucinda grabbed a multi-colored hat.  They put them on.  They looked so cute, but their heads are so much smaller than mine.  The hats covered their entire heads and then some.  Lucinda and Sloopy began to whine, because they couldn't see.  Bumpkin immediately used her powers to make holes in the hats for their eyes and mouths.  Lucinda and Sloopy cheered. 
"Let's go!" said Bumpkin.  I opened the door for them, and my groundhog friends exited the apartment.  It was beautiful outside.  All 3 sisters began to run around in the snow.  I made a snowball and tossed it playfully at Lucinda.  I missed.
"Hey!  What the freak do you think you're doing, buster?  I would think you'd know better by now than to attack one of my sisters!"
"Whoa!  Hold on a second, Bumpkin!  Before you eradicate me with one of your fireballs of destruction, please let me say something."
"I'm listening.  This better be good, buster."
"Sometimes, when it snows, friends throw snowballs at each other.  It's just for fun; it's not attacking."
"OK.  I forgive you."
"Thank you, Miss Bumpkin."  I noticed that many snowballs were rising out of the snow on the ground.  I had a feeling about what was going to happen next.  Sure enough, I was pelted with over 100 snowballs at once.  I was knocked down immediately.  They continued to hit me while I was down.  It was like an avalanche.  I soon was completely covered with snow.  I couldn't breathe.  My life flashed before my eyes. 
When I came to, I was in my bed. 
"Sleeping beauty has awoken," said Bumpkin.  "Here, have some of this."  A mug floated toward me and I grabbed the handle.  The aroma emanating from it was quite familiar to me: hot chocolate.  I took a sip.
"Delicious cocoa, Bumpkin.  Thank you."
"It's the least I could do.  I killed you: by accident.  No harm done though.  Obviously, I brought you back to life."
"Wow.  Thanks for bringing me back to life Bumpkin."
"What are friends for?"

It's Freaking Groundhog Day!

Happy Groundhog Day!

"Bumpkin," I said.  "Do you know what today is?"
"If you don't know what day it is, then  look at your freaking calendar.  Don't bother me with these stupid questions," she replied.
"It's Groundhog Day!" I said.
"I know that, dummy."
"Of course you did.  I should have known."
"By the way, how would you like to meet Punxsutawney Phil?"
"It would be my pleasure."
"Yo Phil!"
To my surprise, a groundhog, that wasn't Lucinda or Sloopy (Bumpkin's sisters) walked out of the bedroom that used to be mine.
"This is Punxsutawney Phil?"
"Of course.  I pulled the old switcharoo on those jerks.  Groundhogs must be free.  Any human that's holding a groundhog captive will have to answer to me."
"How did you do it?"
"Remember my clone?"
"Of course."
"After much careful observation, I came to the conclusion that my clone, in addition to having none of my superpowers, also has no feelings.  She isn't really real.  Phil is totally real though.  Also, Lucinda has a crush on him: big time.  Last night, I flew to Punxsutawney and made the switch."
"Brilliant, Miss B, simply brilliant."
"You might want to watch the ceremony this year."
"Uh-oh.  What have you done, Bumpkin?"
"You'll see."
I went into the bedroom, where Sloopy and Lucinda were watching, appropriately, Groundhog Day on the TV.  "I'm just going to stop this right here, and you can watch the rest of it later."  I picked up the remote and stopped the DVD.  Sloopy and Lucinda started making all these whiny noises.
"It's OK, Sloopy and Lucinda.  You can watch the rest later.  I just want to watch something.  Don't you want to see a real Groundhog Day ceremony?"
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight.  Bumpkin really has taught them many English words.  I changed the channel, and there it was.  The guy in the top hat grabbed Bumpkin's clone and held her up in the air.  He had a big smile on his face, and he was going into his little spiel when a massive explosion disrupted the proceedings in a major way.
"Holy crap!" I exclaimed.  When the smoke cleared, it was obvious that everyone at the scene must have been blown to bits.  "Bumpkin!  How did you do that?"
"I left a giant fireball there: underground.  I programmed it to go off exactly when I wanted it to."
"But you killed your clone!  Not to mention all those people."
"Dummy, I just told you; she had no feelings.  She wasn't real.  I made her, so I can destroy her."
"I guess so."
"As for the people, they got what they deserved!  Do you know how scary it is for a regular groundhog to be among all those humans?  And how dare they keep a groundhog captive like that!  I've got a good mind to wipe Punxsutawney off the freaking map!  In fact, I think I will."  One of the windows in my apartment opened and Bumpkin flung a fireball out of it.  Once it was outside, it expanded.  The fireball, now gigantic, took off, presumably for Punxsutawney.  It didn't take long to get there.
"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking news.  Punxsutawney, PA has been completely destroyed by a massive explosion.  And out of all the days it could have happened, it happened on Groundhog Day.  Officials are not yet sure if there is a connection."
Oh, there's a connection all right.  

Bumpkin Can Resurrect the Dead

Reunited and it feels so good: Sheila and Bumpkin back in the day.

She really did it.  Bumpkin was missing her mommy: Sheila.  I was missing her too.  Aside from a little perhaps too-tough love, she's been a good mother to her groundhog daughters: the big and beautiful Lucinda, the sleepy Sloopy, and the biggest threat to world peace: Bumpkin (she of the evilly-supplied superpowers).
Bumpkin concocted a way to locate her mother via DNA.  Unfortunately, she had passed on to the next world.  "Why won't she wake up?" she asked me.  I was there because I gave her a ride.
"It's because she's dead Bumpkin," I replied.
"Dead?  Like what I've done to lots of people and some animals?"
"Yes, Bumpkin.  She's dead, and, I'm sorry to say it, but there's no coming back from it."
"You fool!  You better watch what you say about my mommy!"  She immediately went to her expired mother and touched her lifeless body.  A jolt went through Sheila's body.  She had re-awoken!  She had come back from the dead to join the living once again!  Sloopy and Lucinda were in for a treat!  Mommy's back from the dead!
Sheila was a little slow.  After all, she may have been dead for months.  She probably hasn't used any of those muscles in quite a while.  Bumpkin realized this.  She levitated Sheila, and transported her, effortlessly, through the air at a very low, and safe, altitude.  Sheila was grareful for the assistance.  She'd get back on her paws eventually, but it's best not to rush things, especially when Bumpkin is on hand with all of her superpowers, which can make anything much easier.
"What are we going to tell Sloopy and Lucinda?" I asked Bumpkin.
"Nothing!  You'll tell them nothing!  I want it to be a gosh-darn surprise, buster, so you better not be ruining things with that big, dumb, smart mouth of yours!"
"Which is it Bumpkin?  Is my mouth dumb or smart?  It can't be both."
"This, mister, is an example of your smart mouth: a mouth that could earn another fireball to the backside of your rump, pal.  You've got a smart mouth, wisenheimer.  It's what comes out of it that's dumb." 
"Oh, I get it now, Bumpkin.  Thank you so much for explaining it to me."
"Buster, do you want me to toast your buns with a super-hot fireball?"
"No, ma'am.  We're just having a conversation here, Bumpkin.  There's no need for you to harm me physically."
"I'll be the judge of that," replied the divine Miss B.

Bumpkin Hit China!

Spring isn't that far away.

Bumpkin has struck her first international blow by striking an area inside the country of China with a long-range, super-sized fireball!  Oh, you won't see it on the news.  After all, the Chinese officials haven't even told their own citizens about it, because the\y have no idea how it happened.
Mistress Bumpkin was watching a documentary about the horrible treatment of animals by people.  She saw that many Chinese citizens had a record of treating animals very poorly.  Once she'd seen enough, she unlocked my door, and opened it with her superpowers.  She did not use her superpowers to hop down the steps; it was so cute.  However, she was on her way to killing more people than she had ever done over the course of a single day.  General Bumpkinismo killed 34 people, and wounded dozens more, with a single fireball, that was launched from my apartment buildings' grounds in Rochester, NY.
Unless she's been practicing behind my back, that's, by far, the largest fireball she's ever flung from her left front paw.
"Wow, Bumpkin," I said.  "I don't know what to say.  The good, ole u s of a is a direct competitor with China.  Yet, you killed a lot of people, which, depending on the people killed, might be a bad thing."
"It is done as my will requested," retorted Bumpkin.  "I'm thinking about hitting Japan next with one of those babies."
"Just not Tokyo, please, Bumpkin.   Also, not Hiroshima or Nagasaki.  It wouldn't be right," I said.
"Don't try to give me a history lesson, buster brown!  I know all about that stuff!  Jeepers!  Look at World War II and the Holocaust.  How could Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini been allowed to do so much damage to the world!  Humans have had their chance.  It's time for the groundhogs to have their shot.  Well, really just me.  I'll have to take on the world's humans by myself, all the other groundhogs can do is give me moral support, which is a good thing to have, especially the support I get from my 2 sisters: Sloopy and Lucinda," said Bumpkin.  "Their support will give me what I need to be victorious against the human folk.  And victorious I shall be, by the hammers of Nutsie and Cleopatra (groundhog gods)," said Bumpkin.
"Wow, Bumpkin," I said.  "Is that the largest fireball you'll ever be able to toss?" I asked.
"No."
Sometimes, she's rather outgoing and articulate, other times, she just says what needs to be said : nothing more.

A Picnic on the Moon: Part Deux

Bumpkin Wumpkin

It didn't take us long to get to the moon.  The landing was very smooth: courtesy of Bumpkin.  Upon landing, she immediately expanded the size of the bubble, so we would have plenty of room to roam around and explore. 
"Let's play Frisbee," Bumpkin said.
"Great idea, Ms. Bumpkin," I said.  I located the Frisbee and tossed it to Bumpkin, who caught it with her superpowers: not her paws.
"Get to steppin'," she said to me.
"Yes, ma'am."  I jogged away from my groundhog house guests.  Once I determined I was far enough away, I turned around to look for the Frisbee.  As soon as I did, it struck me in the face at great velocity.  It not only knocked me down; it knocked me out.  Once I came to, I saw the sisters standing over me.  They were trying to hold in the laughter, but they weren't succeeding. 
"Are you okay?" Bumpkin asked me.
"I think so," I replied.  "But I don't know if I'm up for anymore Frisbee.  Could we eat now?"
"Of course," Bumpkin said.  She used her powers to spread the blanket and set things up.  I reached for an apple, and I felt something hit my hand: hard.  I put off grabbing that apple.
"Ah, Bumpkin," I said.  "Did you just slap my hand with your powers?"
"I sure did."
"Why, Bumpkin, why?"
"Because we haven't said grace yet.  I want you to do the honors."
"Yes, ma'am.  Dear God, we thank you-"
"Wait a second," said Bumpkin.  Who is this God you're thanking?  Is she a human or a groundhog?"
Bumpkin is deadly.  She's already hit me in the ass with one of her fireballs of destruction.  Which is why I said, "She's a groundhog, of course."
"Good answer.  Proceed."
"Yes.  Thank you for this food we're about to eat.  Amen."
"That was pretty short, buster," said Bumpkin.
"Well, sometimes less is more.  Bumpkin, could you please pass the pickled peppers?"
"Certainly," she said.  The pickled peppers flew out of the jar and hit me in the face, which led to great gales of laughter emanating from the 3 groundhog sisters. 
"Good one, Bumpkin," I had to admit.
"You make it so easy.  You asked for it," she replied.
After some more hijinks and shenanigans, all perpetuated by Bumpkin, we feasted.  Then we went for a stroll.  I never thought I'd be able to look at the Earth from the moon, but, thanks to Bumpkin, that's exactly what I was able to do.  I saw something.  I pointed to it.  "Look at that," I said.  Sloopy and Lucinda looked, but Bumpkin didn't bother to do so.  It was headed toward us.  "Do you know what that is, Bumpkin?" I asked.
"Of course.  I summoned it from the Earth.  It's an adult diaper: for you.  I'm sick and tired of changing you after you poop yourself during space travel.  You will wear it during the trip back to Earth.  And if you poop your pants, you will have to stew in your own juices until you get home and change yourself for a change."
"I don't really need to wear it, Bumpkin."
"Phooey!  You've pooped your pants twice now, and I've changed you twice!  You will wear it: end of discussion!"
I knew she was in no mood for an argument, so I put it on.  And, sure enough, I soiled it on the way back.  "You were right, Bumpkin," I had to admit.
"Of course!  I'm always right!  I'm Bumpkin!"
"I know that you're tired of changing me, but could you please just do it once more?"
"Heck, no!  I thought I made myself abundantly clear!  I've changed you for the last time!  Now stew in your own juices!  It's what you deserve for not being able to control yourself!  How come you're the only one?  My sisters are able to hold in their poop."
Right on cue, some poop fell out of Lucinda's butt.
"Holy crap!  Give me a freaking break!" said Bumpkin.