Date Chat (continued)

 

her (in quotes): "The world has good things in it too. How about music and art?"

me (not): i know it does. But it's little consultation for many. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death. I love music, but i can be quite miserable while listening to it. life is hard. life is pain. so why are there 7.7 billion of us? those are the 2 most backward things about society to me. it's socially acceptable to perpetrate/support animal cruelty & bring people into a very messed-up world, & that most people do these things. belief in god as well, but that's a distant 3rd for me. the 1st 2 bother me everyday: multiple times a day. I also think it's stupid & dangerous to ride motorcycles in traffic & climb mountains like Everest. I think it's stupid to get tattoos

"Tell me about the daily sacrifices that you make for the sake of animals."

That seems confrontational. when you DON"T eat whatever you want, EVERYDAY, when you refuse to support animal cruelty, that is a sacrifice. i get the message out on Twitter. i receive emails asking me to take action, sign petitions, contact elected reps & i do. i spent a lot of time & effort writing an "animal liberation" book https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ZSHNT5I & if you are judging me, i'll remind you what i said about not caring at all what people think about me. after all, i did not ask for this existence. my parents forced it on me, which i've never done to someone

"I didn't mean to be confrontational. I'm wondering what you could do that would be a sacrifise. Those things that mention are things that you do, but they don't seem like a sacrifice. I think of sacrifice as you giving up something for their benefit. Does that mean that you really love eating meat and not eating it is a sacrifice for you? I was vegan for many years and I didn't ever consider it to be a sacrifice."

if i didn't care about animals, i'd be eating bacon cheeseburgers. i don't like veggies. it is a sacrifice. doesn't everyone like pizza? i haven't bought it since 2002

"I didn't eat any of that stuff for about 15 years and it was no big deal."

i guess it was because you went back to eating it

"There are soilders who fall on bombs to save their comrades. There was a mass shooting in New Zealand recently and an unarmed student rushed the shooter to let others get away. Those are sacrifices. Not eating a burger is nothing."

is that how you want your son/daughter to go out? wonderful world you brought them into, right? all these mass shootings, terrorist attacks, tons of other assorted violence, &, of course, nasty, judgmental people

"My son sitting here reading this with me tells me that he is very happy to be alive."

will he be when he's 85 & a weak (body & mind), pain-ridden mess?
(no reply as of posting)

Plans

no explanation: except for the obvious: insanity

I've been meaning to do this for a while. I've tweeted that I can't do my job anymore, and it's true. it's so incredibly boring and repetitive. Not only do I see the same coworkers, but the same customers as well. I hate seeing those faces. I need a change.
Today, I sat on the counter while I had no customers in my fucking face, and a coworker said there was an email about sitting on counters and reading. Before I left, I briefly looked for that email, but didn't find it. I was, after all, wanting to get the fuck out of there ASAP as I always am when the day is finally over. I'll look for it tomorrow night when I'll have plenty of time.
I have no reason to doubt the email was sent. It seems like it's targeting me specifically. I sit on the counter, and I read when I get a chance to. What does the typical person do when they get a chance? They stare at their fucking phones. They text, surf the web, etc. Not me. I recently finally bought a smartphone, because the phone I had died. But I only have an inexpensive talk plan on it: no text and no Internet. I began sitting on the counter, because I have a lot of pain in my feet and legs, and standing all day doesn't help. I suppose I should probably tell them that. Maybe I should also tell them I have depression and OCD, and maybe that's why they think I'm a miserable "asshole."
So now I'm thinking compromise. I won't stop reading when I get a chance: no fucking way.  Seems like, all of a sudden, the store manager has a problem with it. The assistant store managers don't.  So maybe I'll just do what I used to do: lean on the counter.  But if the pain is too great, then I'll go back to sitting on the counter (There are 2, so I'm facing the 1 I'm using.).
There's the possibility of applying for another job in the store. Instead of being a cashier, I'd work in a department (If they'd hire me. I applied for a head cashier job, which I was def qualified for, & I didn't even get an interview: just an email saying "no thanks."). But then I wouldn't be able to stand on the anti-fatigue mats I stand on most of the time; I'd be walking on the concrete floor.  As I mentioned, I already have a lot of pain in my feet and legs. So I think I have to leave. God, I hate looking for a job; I really despise it. And I'm "unskilled," so my chances of getting a good job, that I like, are slim to none. What if I got a job where I have to sit all day? That's probably, in the long run, worse than standing all day. It's not good to bend your spine too much. It seems like we were meant to be "straight:" standing or lying down.
I feel best outside. I've thought about living in the wilderness. But the reality is I'm addicted to living in society with it's comforts (That we pay so dearly for.).  It's not realistic.
So, once again, death. I've contemplated suicide. I've threatened to do it. I've attempted to do it.  Living is pain. It's suffering.
Maybe I'll quit my job and do some traveling. I'll make sure to pack the nylon rope I bought to hang myself about 10 years ago. I don't know how long the trip would last. Being on the road by myself seems lonely, and, from what I remember, it is. I don't like driving at all; the intelligent, sensitive person is stressed out by it, because it's so dangerous. 
So all signs point to death. Even when I'm not working, I'm miserable. Work just takes it to another level.  

Antinatalism

It's been a while. As I've mentioned previously, I've been more active on Twitter, & the account is here: https://twitter.com/TheBaldVegan In fact, I've been sort of addicted to the instant gratification one can get from posting there.
It was there that I recently discovered the word "antinatalism." This is from Wikipedia:
"Antinatalism is a philosophical position that assigns a negative value to birth. Antinatalists argue that people should refrain from procreation because it is immoral. In scholarly and in literary writings, various ethical foundations have been adduced for antinatalism.  Some of the earliest surviving formulations of the idea that it would be better not to have been born come from ancient Greece.  The term "antinatalism" is in opposition to the term "natalism" or "pro-natalism", and was used probably for the first time as the name of the position by Théophile de Giraud (born 1968) in his book L'art de guillotiner les procréateurs: Manifeste anti-nataliste."
So those who know me from here know that I am an antinatalist.  It turns out that there are quite a few people like me. I didn't know that.  It seemed like I was surrounded by breeders.  Of course I am, but there is a whole community of people who, like me, think it's cruel to bring someone into this world of pain, fear, misery, violence, suffering, addiction, depression, suicide, death, disease, disabilities, hostility, stupidity, frustration, etc.
I'm still not working on my next book. I have no hope that anyone will have any interest in it, so it seems like a waste of time.  

It's All Shit

The antidepressants aren't working.  I hate life.  My life is pathetic.  I have no friends.  I don't even understand the concept of friendship.  I'm 100% sure that it's cruel to bring someone into this world.  Life is torture.  This society is so fake, so false.  People put a fake smile on, but there's so much misery.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'll be alone for Xmas again.  I'm always alone for the holidays.  I don't know what to do with my time.  I read a little.  I watch TV.  I tweet.  I exercise.  I'm just going through the motions; none of it brings any real satisfaction.  I should have killed myself a long time ago.  My life is a bad deal; it's consistently shitty.  I have very little hope that my life will get better. 

"Work Sucks, School Sucks, Life Sucks"

I was watching the news today, and they mentioned the latest school shooting, unless another has occurred by now (only in America).  Before the shooter went on his rampage, he wrote, "Work sucks, school sucks, life sucks."  I couldn't agree more (with the statement, not the shooting).  As usual, I can't be bothered to look back at what I've written before, because I'm lazy, and "been there, done that."  But I'm pretty sure, after another one of these shootings, I wrote that the problem could be as simple as "life sucks."  They hate life, and they hate other people.  People are always annoying the hell out of me.  I don't shoot them, though.  I don't even have a gun.  If I did, I think there's a good chance I'd use it on myself.
I know, I've mentioned suicide plenty of times here, but I'm still alive.  I really don't want to be elderly, though, so I think there's a good chance I'll do it eventually.  I've seen plenty of elderly people that I don't want to be like.  They're fairly helpless.  It's no way to be.  I'm enough of a mess as it is.  If I have trouble with simple functions, like using a credit card, then I definitely don't want to be alive. 

Pets

my ex-girlfriend's dog

I have mentioned the benefits of writing here.  It helps one remember things.  One can thoroughly explore an issue and save that information for posterity.  For instance, while I was drinking and smoking weed, I began, and added, to a document on my computer called "STOP DRINKING AND SMOKING," which listed reasons why I should do that, and now I've been clean and sober since 7/31/16. 
The question of whether to get a pet or not is very complicated for me.  The first thing that comes to mind is they make me happy.  I love all animals, but especially dogs.  I love cats too, but I have had less experience with them.  Some of my happiest memories involve playing ball with my ex-girlfriend's dog.  She loves playing ball so much.  She has so much fun, it's inevitable that whoever's playing with her will have fun too.  I am alone.  I am untouched.  Touching is important.  Companionship is important.  Petting a pet is therapeutic.  Pets can extend your life, because they improve the quality of it.
But there are drawbacks.  I hate the thought of a pet being alone while his or her mom or dad is at work for over 8, 9, etc. hours.  What if a fire started, and the pet couldn't escape?  That would destroy me.  There's also a loss of freedom involved.  My ex-girlfriend adopted a dog, Barney, while we were living together, who became the love of my life.  He's gone now, but I still love him more than anyone, human or animal, I have ever known.  But, whenever I was using my computer, I'd feel guilty, cause I was ignoring him.  I don't think he understood it.  He may have thought, "Why are you staring at that thing when you could be petting me?"  And that's a good question.  However, I feel a need to get on the computer and write.  There are also issues with traveling.  Dogs need to be walked: even when one doesn't feel like it (shitty weather).   
Then there's the vegan question.  I haven't spent money on meat, milk, or eggs since 2002.  Can I have a vegan dog or cat?  Someone tweeted a picture of their 10-year-old vegan dog, and he looked healthy and happy.  I don't want to support the slaughterhouse in any way, shape, or form, even if the food is for a pet. 
I recently mentioned Lyme disease.  Can you really keep ticks off a dog or cat?  If not, they could transfer a Lyme-disease-ridden tick to me.  Of course it would be horrible if the pet got Lyme disease.  Knowing what I do about the disease, I am terrified of it.  Anyone who is at risk should be too.
The added expense is also an issue.  As I've previously mentioned, I don't make a lot of money, and, as a result, I'm frugal.  However, I definitely believe pets are more than worth any money you spend on them.  One of the biggest problems with society is money being more important than life, which is horrible.
Not being able to communicate can be frustrating.  Your pet could be in pain, and you might not know it.  Is my pet suffering or not?  The worry, and the uncertainty, could be frustrating and devastating.
Pets can get on one's nerves (again, usually because of communication issues).  A lot of things get on my nerves.  Adding to that list might not be such a great idea.
I've mentioned my OCD, and issues I have with poop.  This is where I favor cats.  I think they lick their own assholes, which is gross, but at least they have clean assholes.  I think a poopy dog ass would bother me quite a bit.  Would it be fair to a dog to expose him or her to my disorder?
When you get a pet, you are making a commitment to take care of him or her for the rest of his or her life (or your life).  That is what I believe.  That's quite a commitment to make, and I haven't made it before.  My ex-girlfriend adopted Barney against my wishes.  I didn't want to have to walk a dog, and pick up shit, regularly.  Regardless, I never once suggested that she get rid of him.
I hate the fact that people have pets that ever get to go outside; I consider them to be "cute prisoners."  I could go on for quite a while about this, but I certainly disagree with making an animal spend most of his or her time in a tiny space.  I strongly disagree with keeping fish in tanks and birds in cages.  It's just plain cruel to not allow a bird to fly and be free.  Therefore, if I had a cat, I would take him or her outside.  I can picture the looks of contempt people would give me.  "You don't walk a cat," is what they'd likely be thinking.  Fuck them, and fuck being "normal!" 
Of course, life is fragile, and I could die at any time: making my pet an orphan.  My pet could even die of hunger or thirst if he or she wasn't rescued in time.  I could become paralyzed from a car accident, or stroke, and therefore unable to take care of him or her anymore. 
Which brings us to the most important reason why I wouldn't get a pet.  If I had a pet, I believe I would not allow myself to commit suicide.  It wouldn't be fair to him or her.  I need to have the freedom to do that at anytime.  I have no kids, pets, wife, girlfriend, or friends, which means, as far as I'm concerned, I'm good to go.  I'm allowed to kill myself.  I am now back on antidepressants as of a few days now.  But knowing that I can kill myself at anytime, and escape from this hellhole, gives me a certain amount of peace that I don't want to relinquish.
   

The Ultimate Sacrifice

I make sacrifices for animals.  I haven't eaten exactly what I have wanted to since 2002.  I used to like the taste of pizza, burgers, and bacon.  I don't refuse to buy non-vegan foods because I love veggies or because I'm a health nut.  I certainly don't want to live forever.  I do it for the health, and well being, of animals.
I hate cooking, eating, pooping, pissing, and living.  All I want to do is write, create, and enjoy other people's creative works: good movies, TV shows, music, and books.  But I can't support myself with my writing.  I need a boring, soul-destroying menial job to pay my bills. 
What did the monks achieve when they protested the Vietnam War through self immolation?  Who knows, but their actions will live forever as long as human civilization exists.  For example, one of my favorite bands, Rage Against the Machine, put the image of one of these monks, fully engulfed in flames, on the cover of their debut album.
I have thought about combining my wanting to die with my desire to help animals.  Inspired by the monks I just mentioned, I have considered setting myself on fire to protest animal cruelty.  I'm at least 99.9% sure I'll never do that.  I don't mind dying before I'm elderly (to say the least), but I don't want to go out with that sort of pain.  I don't want to burn my little finger, let alone my whole body.  It's not what mama's little baby deserves.  I have also thought about a hunger strike to protest animal cruelty.  I could begin posting video online and say that I won't eat until animal cruelty is wiped out completely or every single person in the world is at least a vegetarian (preferably vegan).  Regardless, it would be a virtually impossible goal, because animal cruelty is so prevalent, so socially acceptable; the situation is so incredibly dire, so far away from where I want it to be, where I think it should be.  So the world wouldn't change as much as I wanted it to, certainly not in the time I needed it to, so, assuming I was able to do it, I would starve to death online.  Again, 99.9% sure I won't do this.  As someone who has spent plenty of time being depressed and suicidal, I have done quite a bit of research when it comes to ways to kill oneself.  I read that starving yourself to death is a very painful way to go, and I believe it.        
I feel the need to mention that I am not advocating anyone do these things at all whatsoever.  After all, it is extremely unlikely that I would do them.  These are just thoughts.  I'm only expressing myself, which is something I feel the need to do.  I may take my own life one day, but, if I do, I will try to avoid pain as much as possible.  If you are passionate about defending animals, the best thing to do is to remain ALIVE, so you will be able to continue to fight for them.  You won't be able to do anything when you're dead. 

The Second-Worst Conspiracy

The second-worst conspiracy is procreation.  There are way too many people in the world.  The law of supply and demand states that the more there is of something, the less the item in question will be worth.  This applies to people as well.
Trillions, quadrillions (or more), people throughout the years, have essentially said, "Sure, life sucks.  It's hard.  It's more shit than sugar.  Maybe, if I brought a baby into the world, that would cheer me up.  And then, when I'm old, too old to take care of myself, then that baby, now an adult, will take care of me; sign me up!  Yeah, sure, in this dangerous, violent world, all sorts of horrible things can happen to my child, but my parents did it to me!  If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for my child.  In fact, it's a kind of revenge.  Someone brought me into this hellhole to suffer, and now it's my right to do it to someone else!"  How much pain and misery has this course of action led to?
Think for a second about how the quality of life has sucked throughout the years.  Imagine life without electricity, toilets, running water in the home, or cars.  It was REALLY shitty to bring people into a world in which those things did not exist.  But procreation is still a very shitty thing to do.  I'm not going to list all the things that are wrong with this world; I've done that over and over again.  It's a very long list.  At anytime, you could be struck by a serious illness, you could be the victim of a nasty car accident, and so on.  SUICIDE IS CONSISTENTLY A LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH.  Doesn't that tell you a lot about human existence?
Even at its best, life sucks.  There's always the pooping, ass wiping, and pissing.  Things haven't been going too badly for me lately.  It looks like I'm going to have a date with a woman I met online, although there are tons of reasons why things wouldn't work out between her and I.  She mentioned, in her dating profile, that she only keeps her "positive" friends.  Well, if she reads this blog, I'm in trouble!  She also doesn't like "loud, crazy" music, and I do.  Maybe I've been feeling better because I recently purchased healthcare, so I know that will begin 1/1/18.  I also have an old prescription for antidepressants, so, if I'm willing to pay over $100 for a months' worth, I can do that.  But there is still the shitty, boring job.  There's no getting away from the knowledge that, considering my age, I make, and I have saved, very little money.  I am a loser in this society.  That's me.  It is what I am: my place in society.  There is still the need to make so many decisions. What should I be doing with my time?  I'm indecisive.  I don't like too many choices and decisions, which is what life in this society consists of.  Inevitably, there's guilt over not doing this, or not doing that.     
I mentioned that some people seem to be addicted to having kids.  I haven't had cable TV for years, but I know there are reality shows about people who have tons of kids.  People who know this blog could probably figure out that I'm disgusted by such people.  But my parents only had one kid, and I wish they hadn't.  I've already experienced too much pain and misery; I shudder to think what the future holds. 

You Can't Protect Them

I write this as, once again, the tears are welling up in my eyes.  Once you've brought a baby into this world, it's too late.  You can't protect them from all the evils, and the shit, of this world.  You can't protect them from pain, loneliness, sadness, frustration, disappointment, bullies, child molesters, rapists, murderers, terrorists, disabilities, autism, OCD, depression, suicide, cancer, AIDS, etc..  I could go on and on.  You can't protect them from the feeling of "I should be doing this or that, I should have done this or that."  Only death brings relief from the pain, and misery, of life.        

Human Society: Great for a Few, Horrible for Many

I've probably touched on this before, but I believe that war, terrorism, and mass shootings are generated by life in human society, which, as the title suggests, is fantastic if you're rich and shitty if you're not.  Our society is fake, false, and unfair.  People that come from stupid, shitty, loser families supposedly have the same chances for success as those who come from intelligent, caring, successful families.  It's a bold-faced lie.
Look at Donald Trump: one of the most vile, stupid, and disgusting examples of an asshole the world has ever seen.  His father lent him $14,000,000.  He owns Manhattan real estate.  If you can afford it, buying Manhattan real estate is a no brainer.  Unless it gets wiped off the face of the map, it will always be worth a lot.    
By contrast, most terrorists probably don't have a pot to piss in.  If you have nothing, your life is shit, and you see that others have everything (especially if they have it unfairly), then you might want to lash out at society.  Likewise, many of these mass shooters are society's losers.  Frequently, it's the loss of a job that will set them off.  Many people who have committed suicide couldn't stand being losers in this society. 

People Ruin Everything

People ruin the environment, the lives of animals, the lives of other people, everything.  If I am having a rare good day, then it's highly possible that someone will ruin it.  I sort of don't understand why people would have friends.  I understand that loneliness is not good; I deal with it everyday.  But take the example of my aforementioned frenemy.  There are plenty of times when he and I got along very well.  But it was always just a matter of time until he ruined it by judging me, criticizing me, or yelling at me (for no good reason).  My ex-girlfriend used to be absolutely pissed off that she HAD to go see friends of hers.  What's the point of that?  If seeing friends is like work, then why do it?  My frenemy told me he was going to a Springsteen concert with a friend.  At no time did he want to go.  He complained and complained about it.  Why complain about it to me?  I'm not the one that's going to the concert with you.  But he went, and complained about it some more afterward.
Work sucks, but it's preferable to work outside, where we sell colorful flowers; it's a marvelous display.  As I've mentioned here before, it's good to be outside.  It's natural.  It's the way it should be.  But the outside area at work is definitely ruined by people.  It's amazing how different the two ends of the massive home improvement store I work at are.  In lumber, the customers are mostly men, and they sometimes expect me to know how to build or fix this or that.  I don't know how to build or fix anything.  The garden area of the store might as well be a world away.  Most of the customers are women, and they expect me to know about plants and gardening.  I don't know shit about that.  Lots of the customers there are elderly ladies.  Plenty of them have lashed out at me.  It must be hard to be an old lady.  I'm sure a lot of people treat them like they're slow and in the way, which they sort of are.  I've seen, and dealt with, a depressing amount of elderly people that I never want to be like.  They say, "death before dishonor."  Well, it's dishonorable to be half dead physically and mentally.  I think it makes sense to kill yourself before you become a ghost of your former self.
The elderly lady was buying something from me at the outside register, and she was saying the usual boring shit that I've heard tons of times before.  It's amazing how dull and unfunny many people are when they try to be funny.  I didn't react to what she was saying.  She said something about not talking much.  "Who?" I asked.  "You," she said angrily.  So, once again, I'm the lowest on the food chain.  My position in society is to take undeserved abuse from pathetic old ladies.  The young, tattooed woman who was next in line heard the exchange.  She, unsolicited, mentioned to me how the old lady's attack (on me) was bogus. 
Since we're outside, there is, obviously, no roof to block sunlight.  This means that direct sunlight hits the PIN pad; the glare makes it hard to see.  You wouldn't believe how many morons complain that they can't read its screen, as though it's my, or anyone's, fault.  What do I want to say every time?  "Hey, if I could control the brightness of the sun, I wouldn't be here."  Or, "You could pay inside, which has a fucking roof over it."
Last night, a bit of a connection was made.  I was dealing with a customer who's a very nice guy.  The total came up, and he mentioned that it was the same as the year he was born.  I didn't tell him, but it was the year I was born too.  He talked to me a little bit.  He mentioned that he works 12-hour days, 7 days a week.  Then he added that he's making a lot of money.  You see, he ruined it there by bragging about all the money he's making.  It wasn't necessary.  I think bragging about the money you have, especially to someone who doesn't have much of it, isn't classy.  My frenemy was like that.  Not only did he brag about his money, he told me several times that his sister is rich: rubbing other people's money in my face over and over again.  He is such a piece of shit.  
If you want to laugh, try my Twitter account where I tweet jokes.  It's here: https://twitter.com/TheBaldDBag        

Easier

It would be so much easier for me to swallow some pills and jump off a bridge than do all the other things I have to do.