Rough Week

 
I was so sure I wasn't afraid of death, but, apparently, I am.  I sort of tried to hang myself.  It didn't work out.  I felt so claustrophobic with that noose around my neck.  Also, I lack the engineering ability, or determination, to hang myself in my home (it seems).  If one is determined enough, one can hang oneself from a doorknob.  I suppose I'm not determined enough (yet).
So, as previously mentioned, jumping was next on my mind.  I walked to the bridge of death.  First, I prepared: not only online, but with a note and as far as what I had on me.  What if I almost jumped, but didn't, and, as a result, stuff I needed fell out of my pockets and into the river?  So I walked to the bridge and looked down.  It really would be a miracle if I, or anyone else, survived jumping from the bridge and onto the river rocks below.  I had doubts about being able to do it prior to arriving there.  But once I looked down, I was done.  The thought of falling that distance was so f*cking scary.  I walked home.
Since then, I've been thinking of other methods.  Although, all in all, today was a pretty good day.  They always start badly.  I hate waking up.  I really wish I could just die, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  Again, exercise really helped my mood.  It can change things for the better.
So I'm alive for now.  I really hate my parents.  They thoughtlessly brought me into this world, and this is the sort of shit I have to deal with as a result.           

Dark Days

 
I just took out another $1,000 cash advance on my credit card so I can pay my rent and the minimum payments on my credit cards this month.  If I don't get a job and make some money, or extend the credit line on one of my cards, or acquire a new credit card, then I will be able to do this for a maximum of one month more.
I'm looking for a job.  They don't want me.  I'm human garbage.  I hate waking up.  I wish I could die, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  It occurred to me it's strange that people even read this blog (It gets page views.).  It's really f*cking dark (but also real, when so much is phony).  And, even if I do kill myself, it won't happen here.  I'll just stop blogging, because dead people don't blog.
It seems like any day can be the day.  After all, I've attempted suicide before.  I pretty much have 2 choices; I can hang myself or jump.  I think hanging is the better choice, because it seems to involve less suffering.  The problem is that it involves a set up.  Jumping is much more spontaneous.  There is a bridge, within walking distance, that, I'm pretty sure, would do the job.  In fact, I went for a walk today, and I walked right under it.  I'd have a choice.  I could jump into the river, which would be very shallow there, or I could land on a street.  The river is preferable, because, if I survived the fall, it would take longer to rescue me if I was in the water than if I was on the road.  I don't want to be "saved."  What bothers me most about jumping is the pain.. If I don't die instantly, the pain is likely to be very intense.  And who knows how long the pain will last?  The thought of my body hitting that street, or the river rocks, is a horrible one.  I don't deserve that.
Then there's the issue of whether I want to die free (outside) or in my prison (my apt, where, as I mentioned, my neighbor has tormented me).  So it's a complicated choice.  Also, jumping would mean going out on a thrill.  It's a tough choice.       

Angel of Death

My neighbor from hell might be the angel of death.  I've got enough keeping me down: depression, OCD, unemployment, massive credit card debt, etc.  But he's pushing me so far and so hard, that he might be just what I need to finally make me kill myself.
I need to sort through this.  I'm obsessed with him and the situation.  He's not worth my, or anyone else's, time, though.  I can't recall if I mentioned this before here.  I try to not repeat myself, I know it's annoying, but I can't be bothered to look back (too far) either.  My next-door neighbors woke me up around 1:00 am Christmas morning.  They were talking loudly in front of my door.  But that wasn't enough.  Then the asshole went out for a cigarette.  The whole time he was outside my windows, he was singing at the top of his lungs.  Wow, did he piss me off!  Then he came into the building: still singing.  I got out of bed, went to my front door, and yelled "Shut up!" as loudly as I could.  I was still very angry, which makes it hard to fall asleep again.  I lied there: cursing him.  When Monday came, I finally called the office about him.  I pretty much only complained about what I thought I could complain about.  I mentioned that he and his wife have conversations in the hallway at 5:00 am that I think they should have in their apt.: because of the time.  The office lady agreed with me.  Then I mentioned what happened Christmas, and that he ruined it.  He did.  I'm used to spending holidays alone, but that made it extra worse.  The office lady was very understanding and said she would talk to them.  
The next day, I saw them.  As I was parking in the lot, I saw them walking to the office.  He looked angry.  They had to go to the office.  It was a close call for me.  If one of them looked back, they could have seen me in my car.  I'm worried they will find out which car is mine, because I obviously don't want it to be vandalized.
Since then, I haven't heard any 5 am hallway conversations.  I also haven't heard him singing at 1 am.  But I've heard him singing.  He forces me to listen to his singing every single day.  I hear it through the walls.  I hear it coming from the hallway through my front door.  It's so annoying.  I definitely feel like I'm being harassed.  I've been thinking about how to deal with it.  I might call the office again, but, since he's not doing it late at night or very early in the morning, I could very well be shit out of luck.  I've also considered yelling through the wall, or the door, at him.  These are some of the things I've considered yelling at him when I hear his shitty singing;
"Stop singing through the wall!"
"Stop singing in the hall!"
"Stop singing through the door!"
"Stop forcing me to listen to your singing!"
"Shut up!"
"Stop harassing me, (their apt number)!"
"Hey hey, ho ho, (their apt #) has got to go!"
"You're evil!  If you don't stop harassing me, you're going to hell (His wife is religious.)!"
"Stop harassing me, or I'll call the police (pretty much a bluff  I doubt they'd do anything.)
Typing them out, they sure seem ridiculous.  But that's the point.  He's driving me crazy.  That's another one ("You're driving me crazy!").  So far, I haven't done any of that.  I'm worried about making the situation worse.  Maybe I'll try calling the office again.
Today, he was singing his head off again.  I left to go for a walk.  I could still hear him when I was outside the building.  Then I realized that he left the building after me.  He also walked in the same direction I did.  I felt like turning around and confronting him.  But I'm so pissed off at him, that a face-to-face confrontation is probably a very bad idea.  I felt better after my walk, as I usually do.  Exercise is great therapy.  It really helps.  But, of course, once I got home, I heard him singing again.  Something's gotta give.             

I Don't Believe in Love

 
(a Queensryche song)

I awoke on impact
Under surveillance from the camera eye
Searching high and low
The criminal mind found at the scene of the crime
Handcuffed and blind, I didn't do it
She said she loved me
I guess I never knew
But do we ever, ever really know?
She said she'd meet me on the other side
But I knew right then, I'd never find her
I don't believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don't believe in love
It's never worth the pain that you feel
No more nightmares, I've seen them all
From the day I was born, they've haunted my every move
Every open hand's there to push and shove
No time for love it doesn't matter
She made a difference
I guess she had a way
Of making every night seem bright as day
Now I walk in shadows, never see the light
She must have lied 'cause she never said goodbye
I don't believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don't believe in love
I'll just pretend she never was real
I don't believe in love
I need to forget her face, I see it still
I don't believe in love
It's never worth the pain that you feel
No chance for contact
There's no raison d'etre
My only hope is one day I'll forget
The pain of knowing what can never be
With or without love it's all the same to me
I don't believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don't believe in love
I'll just pretend she never was real
I don't believe in love
I need to forget her face, I see it still
I don't believe in love
It's never worth the pain that you feel

Cretins

 
I've been trying to promote Veganman lately.  I've been emailing lots of vegan/animal rights websites and asking them to help get the word out.  I've gotten some positive responses.  I even got a great review from someone who read the book in one sitting.  But I've encountered cretins too.  My Googles have unintentionally brought their slimy selves to the surface.  There's a group on Facebook called "I love animals but hate animal rights activists."  It absolutely disgusted me.  They are probably all meat eaters that are fine with the way animals are currently being treated, which, in many cases, is horrendously.  Whoever liked that page, and there was a depressing amount that did, is a piece of shit, and whoever started it is a colossal piece of shit.  I briefly thought about leaving a comment, then thought better of it.  Those cretins aren't worth my time.
In fact, one of my Facebook "friends" (I don't really know her.  It just goes to show how fake and phony our culture has become.  By the way, I only joined FB to promote my writing.)  responded to a post of mine.  I came across this website that listed Rachael Ray as one of the top 10 animal rights activists: unbelievable!  The bitch cooks dead animal flesh on her show!  She's gotten rich as a result of showing people how to make dead meat delicious.  So I posted what a crock of shit that was.  This is the exchange:
Me: Unbelievable! This stupid website, beliefnet, listed Rachael Ray as one of the top 10 animal rights activists! She cooks meat on her TV show! I left an incredulous comment, which quickly got pushed past the positive ones. What a bad joke.
Her: I eat meat doesnt make me any less a protector of Animals!! 
Me: You're not protecting the animals you're eating. That's for sure
Her: Strange logic!
Me: Not at all. When you buy meat, you're supporting animal cruelty. There's no way around it.
Her: No im a meat eater and being a veggie doesnt stop animals being killed!!
Me: When you buy meat, you're paying "people" to keep animals in horrible conditions. Are you somehow not aware of the horrible ways in which "food" animals are treated? You're also paying them to murder them. We don't need meat to survive. Eating meat is cruel.
Her: (no response)
Then I found (wasn't looking for it) a website that complained about how animal rights activists are driving up the cost of meat, eggs, and so on.  I could only read so much of it.  Someone bitched and moaned that eggs were more expensive cause a law was passed that gave hens more space in their cages (They're still in CAGES!).  Also felt like responding there, but didn't.  Hey, asshole, if eggs are too expensive, how about NOT buying them, you stupid cretin!            

Crushing, Killing Debt

 
Currently, my retirement options are a) homelessness and b) suicide.  I have over $23,000 in credit card debt.  I should be like the average human.  I should care much, much more about money than animals.  But I can't.  I just can't.  I care more about animals than money every second of every day.
I was watching a movie that I like the other day called The Boost, which is about drug addiction.  James Woods buys an expensive car, and a dog, for his wife (Sean Young).  I'm relying on my memory, but he essentially said, "A $50,000 car and a $2 mutt-go figure."  That line saddened me immediately and deeply, because, in our society and world, it's true.  I don't agree with that.  I truly believe the life of one mouse is worth more than all the money in the world.  Animals are flesh and blood; money is paper and metal.
But, in our society, money is worth more than life.  That's one of humankind's contributions to this world.  It can safely be said that, in our society, all these items are worth more than the lives of countless animals: smartphones, cars, houses, clothes, shoes, hoverboards, bikes, motorcycles, coffeemakers, toasters, furniture, cutlery, guns, bombs (including nuclear and hydrogen, of course), missiles, chemical and biological weapons, tanks, aircraft carriers, battleships, destroyers, submarines, computers, microwave ovens, stoves, furnaces, real estate, parking lots and garages, refrigerators, radios, stereos, TVs, watches, alcohol, drugs, alarm clocks, and so on.  I could go on and on, but the sad truth is that almost EVERYTHING is worth more to meat eaters than the lives of the animals they eat.  Actions speak louder than words.