A Day in the Park

I was feeling like crap this morning.  Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that expired margarine the night before.  But once I drove to a park and started walking, I began to feel better. 
I saw some deer.  They were staring at me.  I stopped and stared at them.  They weren't far away from me.  I smiled, waved, and talked to them.  I told them they were beautiful, and they are. 
I saw a guy and two happy dogs approaching me.  The dogs started to make their way to me, and the guy assured me that they were friendly.  I petted the first one to reach me as the other one ran toward me.  He was quite enthusiastic, and he jumped on me and slobbered on me, which was okay.  The guy yelled at him to leave me alone.
A little later, I could hear a dog approaching me from behind as I was walking.  Then I heard the guy yell, "Bucky!  Leave him alone!  He doesn't want you slobbering on him!"
None of this would have happened if I hadn't gone outside.

Seeing Yourself

Do you ever see yourself?  I mean in a sort of literal sense.  For instance, you're lying on the couch, watching TV, and you step outside yourself a little bit.  You can see what you look like.  You imagine that you're someone else (or, somehow, still you), in the room, looking at you from approximately 8 feet away.  I think it can be a helpful exercise.  It can help you realize how you're wasting time and/or what you're doing that you don't really want to do (or spend less time doing).  I don't like to see myself lying on the futon, watching TV.  It's pathetic.  I'm doing nothing.  I'm inside (I've written, over and over again now, that it's better, more natural and therapeutic, to be outside, but, of course, most of us don't want to always be outside.) and I'm looking at a screen.  I know why I do it.  I like movies and TV shows, but only if they are genuinely worth watching (Many aren't.  I have a 30-minute rule.  I will watch a movie or a TV show [on DVD-I don't have cable] for 30 minutes, and, if it has failed to grab me by then, I will stop watching it and move on to the next one.  There are exceptions.  I recently gave Easy A less than 30 minutes before pulling the plug, because it was, in my opinion, made for people much younger than me.).  I also read, and I'd be better off doing that, but my current setup makes it less comfy to do that.  Although I probably could fix that just by moving a lamp.  There's also the issue of my asshole neighbors.  Their loud TV comes right through the wall we share.  If I'm reading, there's nothing to drown out the sound they make.  If I'm watching TV, then that noise will battle the sound they're making.
Another place I hate to "see myself" is at work.  I hate what I do: what I am 40 hours a week.  It's depressing to stand outside myself and see me doing what I do to pay the bills.  I don't even like to watch other people doing what I do; it's an unpleasant reminder.  So you see how this can be a helpful thing to do.  It lets me know that I don't like my job (I can get another one.), and I don't like watching as much TV as I do (I can watch less and read more.).
I don't mind seeing myself sitting at my computer, probably because I'm usually doing something at least somewhat constructive.  The issue there is stamina.  I can only sit there for so long, before the pain becomes unbearable (I don't have a laptop; it's a desktop.), which is why I adjourn to my futon to watch TV.  I also don't mind seeing myself exercising.  Exercise is very important: for both physical and mental health.  I don't mind seeing myself outside at all: even if I'm just standing around and looking at some trees.  There's nothing wrong with that; it's natural.  It's soothing.  Time spent in nature is time well spent.           

It's Gonna Kill Me

The mad dash before work: hurriedly grabbing keys, sunglasses, and other things.  Time just before you need to leave for work goes fastest.  I hate driving.  It is so stressful.  Every time I'm passing someone's car on the highway, I'm worried that he or she, not seeing my car, will change lanes and hit mine.  An old guy almost did that to me recently.  His car nearly hit mine, but he saw it just in time.  My car has hydroplaned several times: terrifying.
Yesterday, I was waiting to make a right turn.  The approaching car was making a right turn, so I thought that would be my opportunity to make the turn, because the driver behind the one making the turn would certainly slow down for the car in front of him, but that didn't happen.  I ended up cutting off that driver a little, which resulted in him giving me the finger.  I gave him the finger.  A little further down the road, as I was waiting to make a left turn, he honked his horn as he passed me, so I could see him give me the finger again.  I flipped him off again.  I was very angry.  I was thinking how I could quickly communicate to him that I wanted to beat the shit out of him.  I've seen plenty of accidents and road rage incidents.
It seems like virtually all my problems are society related.  I hate my job.  I hate my neighbors.  For the most part, I hate people.  A meat-eating biological parent that believes in god is someone that I really don't relate to.  Why am I here?  Why am I in my apt, where I don't want to be, getting ready for work, where I don't want to go?  My writing gives me a little bit of hope.  I have written 3 books, which, of course, have generated very little interest, but that can change, I tell myself.  Yeah, right.  Most people don't read.  Should I start taking antidepressants again?  Is that what life is all about?  Taking unnatural medications so you can tolerate life in a shitty, human-made society? 
I'm thinking that maybe I should just leave it all to live in the wilderness: not live as a homeless person in a city; that seems horrible.  No, truly living in the wilderness.  My neighbors have chased me out of my apt on my days off, and I've been spending more time in nature as a result.  It feels good to be there; it feels right.  I believe that is how we're supposed to live.  Society hasn't improved life; it's ruined it for many.  Of course, I'm a have not.  Wealthy people probably love life in our society.  They have poor bastards like me doing everything for them: like cleaning.  But, for someone like me, I don't think it's a good deal to live in civilization. 
Civilization, another joke of a human word.  Humans are a nightmare: an incredibly violent species that terrorizes, on a massive scale, animals, the environment, and each other.  It's civilized to support horrific animal cruelty by buying meat and leather.  It's civilized to bring people into the world to suffer.  It's civilized to worship gods, that never existed, like a fucking Neanderthal.  It's civilized to pretend that life in society is great, and you're so happy in it, even if you're miserable.  Don't complain.  Whiners are weiners.  Don't rock the boat.
There are problems with living in nature.  Can I get by without showers and toilet paper?  It seems like those things would be the hardest to live without.  Bugs are also a problem.  They are very annoying.  I think I'll start reading books about living off the grid.  All I'd need for entertainment is a library card.  If I ever just walk away from my apt and job, I'd make sure to pack one very important item: the rope I bought, to hang myself with, years ago.  If things didn't work out, I could hang myself from a tree in the middle of nowhere.      

Buuny, 1 Hawk, 0

That isn't a typo.  I took a picture of a hawk eating a bunny.  I presume the hawk killed the bunny.  However, because the bunny is dead, he or she will suffer no more.  Only the living suffer.  What sort of life did she have anyway?  Hopping around, eating grass, hanging out, and sleeping?
Although I just saw an interesting documentary last night called Love Thy Nature.  Once again, the benefits of a natural, whole foods, plant-based (vegan) diet were extolled.  That's a goal of mine: to eat no processed foods.  Sugar is the great Satan.  I'm so lazy, though.  It's so easy to open a bag of chips.  I have to at least try it, though.  It could work as a natural antidepressant.  Wouldn't have to cook or wash pots and pans either.  This film also suggested that we're happier when we're outside: not on a busy street in a city, but in nature.  I had suspected that.  Since I finished my book, which there hasn't been any interest in yet, that is here: https://www.amazon.com/Farts-Literature-featuring-Bald-D-Bag-ebook/dp/B074MCFPVD/ref=sr_1_2?s=digita I've got more time to spend outside, so I think I'll do that. 
Another missing part of the happiness equation for me is friends; I have none.  Though I feel like all the world's animals are my friends.  It is my goal, at work, to pet at least one dog a day, and, most of the time, I'm able to do that.  The best thing, by far, about my job is that dogs are allowed to be there.  Coworkers have also brought in a cat and a ferret. 
I am alone.  Yesterday, I went to a library that's fairly far away.  I went for a walk along the Erie Canal.  There was some sort of an event going on.  There were a lot of people around, and a band was playing loud music.  I didn't know that would be happening.  If I had, I might have avoided it.  All those people, socializing with their friends and family members, made me feel extra lonely.

Horror

Every single day-
For animals, horror
For people, horror
For Mother Nature, horror
 

Cruel Holidays

The holiday season is when humans celebrate their dominance of animals and nature.  They put turkey carcasses and hams on their tables.  They cut down living trees so they can put them in their homes for a matter of days or weeks.  Then they unceremoniously toss them to the curb.  How much of this sort of death and destruction occurs during the holiday season?
It's too easy to be cruel to animals.  Meat is everywhere.  It's advertised.  It's acceptable to be cruel: especially if you're not getting blood on your hands.  Meat is too far removed from the animal it once was.  Perhaps they should put pictures of lambs on lamb meat in stores and on menus in restaurants. 
A coworker showed me pictures of 2 dead deer her friends had murdered.  She was so happy about it.  Also at work, a customer asked another customer, with a smile on his face, if he had killed deer, because he was buying a freezer.  He had killed deer.  A customer was buying a squirrel trap to catch a "dirty, rotten, stinking" (definitely his words, not mine.  I love squirrels.) squirrel, which he thought was funny.  I shudder to think what he would do to a squirrel if he caught one.
At work, we have a wall of cruelty, that's covered with gift cards to restaurants that serve meat: Burger King, Red Lobster, steakhouses, etc.
I don't have much of a reason to live.  At work, I'm surrounded by people who think nothing of being cruel to animals, whether directly or indirectly.  They talk about the meat they enjoy with smiles on their faces; they never let me forget it.  At home, I have to hear my loud, shitty neighbors.  Whenever I am, I'm always in pain and tired.  I've had a runny nose for weeks, if not months.  The skin on my hands is dry and cracking open as a result of the cold weather.  On the way to work, in a blizzard, I lost control of my car twice.  I'm lucky I didn't hit anything.        

Reasons to Live

 
Reasons to live:
Music
An appreciation for nature, which includes animals
A desire to change the world for the better

Garbage Society

 
I can only speak for the American society, because that is where I have lived my entire life, but I suspect societies in other nations are quite similar.
Nature is perfect.  Nature is beautiful.  Sure, violence exists in nature, and it certainly exists in our society.  But this is a violent world.  It always has been, and it probably always will be.  But our society sucks compared to nature.
Society is very hypocritical.  Murder is a serious crime.  Thou shalt not kill is a commandment.  But animals are killed, unnecessarily, on a massive scale.  It's also okay to kill during war.  In fact, the more foreigners you kill, the more of a hero you are.
Society is not fair.  In the wild, life is more fair than human society.  It's simple: survival of the fittest.  Conservatives like to pretend life in our society is fair, but this is the problem.  Some people are born into a situation in which there is no father and the mother is an abusive crack whore.  Many people are born into situations in which their parent(s) are lazy, stupid, or uncaring.  Other people have parents that are intelligent, successful, and caring.  Perhaps they feel as though if their sons or daughters are failing, then they are failing.
So we're not all dealt the same hand.  I pretty much fall into the middle category.  I am the result of a teenage pregnancy.  I was not wanted.  I was, as my mother once told me, "a mistake."  How am I a mistake, when you're the one that made the mistake?  My father left my mother and me when I was 2 years old.  My mother is stupid, lazy, and uncaring.  I come from a cold family that, I believe, has a history of mental illness.  What I find to be interesting is that I have 3 cousins, and we're all in our 30s and 40s.  None of us have children.  The odds are certainly against that.  I think we all know we come from a crazy family, and we shouldn't pass the insanity on.  People that come from situations like mine (and worse) have lived miserable lives in poverty, prison, and they have committed suicide.
And, of course, there is the treatment of animals.  Humans have decided that animals are here for them to use in any way they see fit.  Again, people don't need to eat meat to survive.  The healthiest foods to eat are veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds, beans, and whole grains.  In our capitalistic society, animals are things to make a profit from.  "Food" animals, like pigs and chickens, are crammed into buildings, as many as possible, because that is the way that will make the most money.  They frequently aren't given needed medical care, because it would cost money to alleviate their suffering.
I could go further, but I'm making too many keyboard gaffes, and I'm over it.