Lynx

the 1st eBook I wrote (a humorous memoir of misery): https://www.amazon.com/American-Loser-Memoir-Coming-Achieving-ebook/dp/B00HQSO9RO/ref=sr_1_18?keywords=american+loser&qid=1580056752&s=digital-text&sr=1-18
the 2nd eBook I wrote (violent, action-packed animal liberation novel): https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ZSHNT5I
the 3rd eBook I wrote (comedic): https://www.amazon.com/Farts-Literature-featuring-Bald-D-Bag-ebook/dp/B074MCFPVD/ref=sr_1_2?s=digita
(I use pen names)
me on twitter: https://twitter.com/TheBaldVegan

& here: https://twitter.com/TheBaldDBag

Uh

 

It's been a while. I'm still unhappy, depressed, suffering, in pain, miserable, etc. I still love animals (people, not so much). Again, I'm active on Twitter; my account is here: https://twitter.com/TheBaldVegan

This is where my 1st eBook, a memoir, is on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/American-Loser-Memoir-Coming-Achieving-ebook/dp/B00HQSO9RO/ref=sr_1_5?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1529065613&sr=1-5&keywords=american+loser

This is where my 2nd eBook, an animal-liberation thriller, is on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Veganman-Started-Liberation-Worlds-Animals-ebook/dp/B00ZSHNT5I/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1529065845&sr=1-1&keywords=veganman&dpID=514D0eG7tML&preST=_SY445_QL70_&dpSrc=srch

This is where my 3rd eBook, a comedic collection, is on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Farts-Literature-featuring-Bald-D-Bag-ebook/dp/B074MCFPVD/ref=sr_1_2?s=digita

I use pen names.


 

I'm a Loser

There is no escaping it; I'm a loser.  In fact, my memoir is called American Loser, and it is here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HQSO9RO In America (at least), white males are supposed to be successful.  They aren't discriminated against; women and minorities are.  As I've documented here, it is very difficult to be a loser in this society, where winners are always rubbing it into the faces of losers like me.  Turn on the TV, and you'll see plenty of them: successful TV personalities, actors, athletes, entrepreneurs, etc.
I write eBooks, and nobody cares.  The last one really hurts.  I think it is very funny.  I got the idea to tweet jokes from it: trying to attract attention to it.  No one has bought it.  It's a failure, and so am I.  Lots of people don't want to read.  I use the library a lot.  People very rarely put holds on books; I'm virtually always able to renew them.  People put holds on DVDs, because most humans want them more than books.  And I've read some great books lately.  Though they weren't new.  Maybe I'd have had trouble renewing them if I took them out when they were new.   
I am a loser.  There's no separation.  I'm not reading, or watching, the story of a loser.  I am living that story.  It's not fun.  Much has been written here about what it's like to live the life of a loser: shitty, boring menial jobs, living in apartments instead of houses (and having to hear your neighbors as a result), not having much money, and being alone, because it's harder to attract women.
Lack of money means a lot of things.  It means I'm less likely to treat my depression and OCD with medication, because it is so expensive in this country that has mastered greed.  And, yes, my mental issues are untreated, and it has been that way for far too long.  It also means I'm less likely to have a pet (I don't.), because of the extra cost involved (Pets aren't allowed in my apartment complex anyway; not having a house means less freedom).  And dogs make me happy; I know they do.  It means that my home is depressingly messy, because I hate cleaning.  I'd pay someone to clean it if I could afford to.  There are all sorts of safety features that other people have on their cars.  They are less likely to get into an accident, and they will be protected better than someone like me in the event that they are involved in an accident.  I don't know how much longer I'll be able to live the life of a loser.      
 

Seeing Yourself

Do you ever see yourself?  I mean in a sort of literal sense.  For instance, you're lying on the couch, watching TV, and you step outside yourself a little bit.  You can see what you look like.  You imagine that you're someone else (or, somehow, still you), in the room, looking at you from approximately 8 feet away.  I think it can be a helpful exercise.  It can help you realize how you're wasting time and/or what you're doing that you don't really want to do (or spend less time doing).  I don't like to see myself lying on the futon, watching TV.  It's pathetic.  I'm doing nothing.  I'm inside (I've written, over and over again now, that it's better, more natural and therapeutic, to be outside, but, of course, most of us don't want to always be outside.) and I'm looking at a screen.  I know why I do it.  I like movies and TV shows, but only if they are genuinely worth watching (Many aren't.  I have a 30-minute rule.  I will watch a movie or a TV show [on DVD-I don't have cable] for 30 minutes, and, if it has failed to grab me by then, I will stop watching it and move on to the next one.  There are exceptions.  I recently gave Easy A less than 30 minutes before pulling the plug, because it was, in my opinion, made for people much younger than me.).  I also read, and I'd be better off doing that, but my current setup makes it less comfy to do that.  Although I probably could fix that just by moving a lamp.  There's also the issue of my asshole neighbors.  Their loud TV comes right through the wall we share.  If I'm reading, there's nothing to drown out the sound they make.  If I'm watching TV, then that noise will battle the sound they're making.
Another place I hate to "see myself" is at work.  I hate what I do: what I am 40 hours a week.  It's depressing to stand outside myself and see me doing what I do to pay the bills.  I don't even like to watch other people doing what I do; it's an unpleasant reminder.  So you see how this can be a helpful thing to do.  It lets me know that I don't like my job (I can get another one.), and I don't like watching as much TV as I do (I can watch less and read more.).
I don't mind seeing myself sitting at my computer, probably because I'm usually doing something at least somewhat constructive.  The issue there is stamina.  I can only sit there for so long, before the pain becomes unbearable (I don't have a laptop; it's a desktop.), which is why I adjourn to my futon to watch TV.  I also don't mind seeing myself exercising.  Exercise is very important: for both physical and mental health.  I don't mind seeing myself outside at all: even if I'm just standing around and looking at some trees.  There's nothing wrong with that; it's natural.  It's soothing.  Time spent in nature is time well spent.           

Fakebook and Shitter

Two very popular social networking websites, that shall remain nameless here, I'll refer to as Fakebook and Shitter.  I'll admit that, on Fakebook, I have quite a few fake friends.  They're not real friends.  I don't really know them.  And I'm not the only one: not by far.  So tons of people have fake friends.  Why do I have fake friends when I claim to be so real?  I only joined Fakebook and Shitter to promote my writing.  It hasn't worked out so well.  It's no surprise, though.  The average person would rather stare at their phone than a book.
Technology has gone too far.  It's got people staring at their phones like zombies.  I'd rather look at a beautiful sky than the screen of a smartphone.  Who can get the most "likes?"  What a pathetic culture; what a pathetic society.  We're going down the tubes with this shit.  And, of course, if we do, the animals will be much better off without us.  What do they need us for?  Beatings, torture, and murders?  I don't think so.  Long after we're gone, the rain will make grass, plants, veggies, fruits, and trees grow (if we haven't completely destroyed Earth by then).  Even "man's best friend" has been devastated by humans: the price to pay for trusting evil, violent people.
Which segues into the shitty things I've had to hear at work.  A guy (I refuse to call him a man.) was buying rat traps.  "My neighbors keep feeding chipmunks, and I keep killing them," he said to me.  So confident he was in his cruelty.  Surely most people are chipmunk haters, is perhaps what he was thinking when he said that to me.  What did I say?  I either said, "oh," or I said nothing.  I'm not completely sure.  I'm trying to survive.  I need this job to do that.  I have contemplated being homeless in the wilderness and have concluded that I can't live without the resources needed to wipe and wash my ass (the OCD).  I have officially filed for bankruptcy.  There is no relying on credit anymore.
Another guy was buying quite a bit of charcoal.  He told me that he cooks a whole pig.  Again, he said it with such confidence.  What person, after all, would care about a pig?  ME!  I have cuddled with, and petted, pigs.  They, along with every other animal, deserve to be treated well.
I don't know how I make it through the day.  My pain, physical and emotional, is enormous every single day.  I was watching a good movie.  It was about spies.  This man said to a room full of them, "If you're caught, just prick your skin with this pin we've given you.  Death will be instantaneous."  I was very jealous.  I wanted one of those pins.        

Prose & Poetry

 
Do Not Weep, Maiden, for Death Is Kind

What I want to do most is sleep.  That is how I know I want to die, for death is eternal sleep.  There is  no waking from it.  Every morning, I'm disappointed to have woken.  What I really want is to die, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.
Perhaps no one believes the person who threatens suicide will do it .  So many people have bitched and moaned about life and suicide, but most of them won't do it.
I was recently told, during a mental health appointment, that alcohol is a depressant.  I knew that already.  My response?  Life, existence, is a depressant, and it is much more powerful than alcohol.
Now that I've accepted death, I feel a certain peace: a peace that passeth all understanding.
Except for animals, I don't care anymore.  I've heard that (I don't care anymore.) in at least 2 songs (Phil Collins and Wilco).
As I wrote in my memoir, Memoir of an American Loser (under my pen name-Zach Murphy), suicide, for me, is like a blanket that sits on a high shelf in a closet.  It's ready to be employed whenever I'm sure the world is too cold to bear.
And if I kill myself, don't weep for me.  Weep for yourself, and the rest of the living (with the obvious exception of Isis members), because there is no pain and suffering in death: only in life.
I hope my writing survives: my 2 books, one about people's horrible treatment of animals (Veganman) and the other a humorous, bittersweet memoir about the pain of life (Memoir of an American Loser), this blog, and, to a lesser degree, what I've posted on Facebook and Twitter.  There's a lot of other stuff too, but it either isn't finished, or there's no place for it at this time.

Life Sucks: a poem

Life sucks
Life ducks?
Life trucks?
Life tucks?
Life bucks?
Life f*cks?
Life clucks?
Life pucks?
Life mucks?
Life luck's?
Life lux?
No, life sucks

Trying to Survive

 
I haven't blogged properly in a while.  Part of the reason is I was working on Veganman, but that's available on Amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ZSHNT5I
Today was a pretty good day, mostly because I met up with my best friend.
But I've been thinking about how I have been rejected throughout my life.  I was rejected by my father when I was 2 years old.  I don't have a job, and I keep getting rejected whenever I look for one.  I've written 2 books, but I haven't yet been able to get them published professionally.  They're self-published on Amazon.  But, even though I worked hard on them, I'm proud of both, not many people have bought them, which is understandable because I'm unknown.    
But how much can a person live a life of rejection?  I don't know how much longer I can deal with society shunning me.  Although I've worked as a writer, I haven't had a regular job for a while.  I think this is the biggest reason why I don't get hired.   So I feel like the odd man out.  I'm beyond  broke; I'm running on empty.  I'm living off of credit cards.  I'm pretty depressed, which is why I've been too depressed to blog.
Life isn't fair.  Some people, just because they were fortunate, never had to deal with problems like these.  Republicans would like us to think that life is fair.
Well, this is a test.  I wouldn't blame anyone for ditching this blog.  I've been too inactive.  If I can get some encouragement (page views or comments), that could spur me on to blog more.  Is anybody out there?     

Thank Godness for Squirrels and Libraries

Cute Dog

Squirrels and Libraries can save your life.  They can make you so happy.
Today, I fed squirrels.  I had some whole walnuts that I had bought for them.  I saw them out there in the freezing rain.  Their job is to look for food, and they do it 7 days a week: every week.  I distributed several walnuts to my squirrel neighbors today.  At least one of them is very smart.  I came out of my building armed with walnuts.  I saw a squirrel foraging on the grass.  I threw it in front of her.  She saw it immediately and chased and seized it.  That made me laugh.  It gave me a lot of pleasure to help that squirrel.  The fire dept. in Holley, which is near Rochester, NY, had an event last year in which they encouraged people to shoot squirrels.  That disgusted me: especially when I heard that animal rights activists showed up to protest and the hunters goaded them with the bodies of the squirrels they killed.  I knew I couldn't go to that event to protest, because I might have had to beat the shit out of someone who killed a squirrel.
Anyway, the squirrel who grabbed the walnut I tossed to her is smart.  Her back was to me when I threw it to her.  It sailed over her shoulder; then she got it.  However, the next time she saw me, she hopped toward me.  She figured out that I threw that walnut to her, even though she didn't see me do it.  Of course I gave her another walnut.  I had about 8 walnuts, and I distributed all of them to my squirrel neighbors.
I've taken out so many books, movies, and music from libraries that I don't know what I would have done without them.  Good entertainment is very important.  It can save your life.  Sometimes you really need to watch a good comedy and laugh.