It's All Shit

The antidepressants aren't working.  I hate life.  My life is pathetic.  I have no friends.  I don't even understand the concept of friendship.  I'm 100% sure that it's cruel to bring someone into this world.  Life is torture.  This society is so fake, so false.  People put a fake smile on, but there's so much misery.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'll be alone for Xmas again.  I'm always alone for the holidays.  I don't know what to do with my time.  I read a little.  I watch TV.  I tweet.  I exercise.  I'm just going through the motions; none of it brings any real satisfaction.  I should have killed myself a long time ago.  My life is a bad deal; it's consistently shitty.  I have very little hope that my life will get better. 

I Must Be Crazy

I don't give a fuck about my job.  I don't give a fuck about my life.
Today is a day off.  The last few days at work have really sucked.  You see, if I see someone that has some of our merchandise approaching the exit of the store I work at, and I can see that they didn't buy it in that area of the store, I'm supposed to ask to see their receipt, even if they are carrying the stuff in one of our plastic bags.  Obviously, someone could grab a bag, put stuff in it, and walk out while acting as though they bought it.  Although, as I've been obsessively thinking about the events of the past few days, I realize that I've never seen a particular head cashier, who's been working at this store longer than me, ever check a customer's receipt, and that's part of her job.  She spends a lot of time standing by the main exit.  Regardless, she received an award at the last store meeting, because she "seems to never have a bad day."  Maybe she'd have more "bad" days if she was confronting people who were trying to leave the store.  She's also hot as hell, which would explain why she'd get away with anything.
A few days ago, I asked to see a customer's receipt and he was a total prick to me.  It's happened before.  It's not fun.
But, two days ago, a couple of guys exited the area of the store where I was working holding plastic bags with stuff in them.  I didn't ask to see their receipts.  I don't always do it.  I don't like doing it, because I don't like it when people are rude as hell to me, as they sometimes are when I do that.  Later, those guys came back: one of them bringing stuff in one of our bags into the store.  This time, I would confront them.  As they were leaving, I walked up to them and asked to see a receipt.  One of them said, "That's rude" to me.
"That's store policy," I replied.
He got very angry very quickly.  "Don't you see he's got a bag?" he yelled at me.
I walked away and said something about how I don't appreciate being yelled at.  I think his buddy tried to get him to leave as he was leaving, but he said, "No.  He might call the police."  He aggressively got very close to me and continued to yell at me.  I was so worried he was going to hit me, that I backed away from him a few feet.  He pulled a receipt out and yelled, "Do you want to see it?!" multiple times.  Finally, a coworker heard all the yelling and walked over to me, so that he was standing next to me.  The asshole left soon after.  Then I heard one of them laughing loudly outside the building.  I suppose he was laughing at me: the pussy.
I've since realized it's stupid to be a corporate tool.  I should put my ass on the line, I should put my health and safety at risk, for the sake of the owner, who must be rich as hell, highly-paid executives, or wealthy shareholders?  That's crazy.  We have a concrete floor.  Someone could knock me out, and my skull could fracture after it hit that unforgivingly hard floor.  It would be fine if I was murdered; that would be great.  But what if I was crippled?  What if I was injured so badly that I was paralyzed from the waist, or the neck, down?  Then I'd really have a reason to bitch and moan. 
So I need to be smarter about this receipt-checking business.  I should probably ask to see it while I'm behind the counter at least, so there is a barrier between me and him (or them).  Of course, someone could go around the counter, or throw a punch over it.  It should be a judgment call: based on how threatening the person (or people) appear to be.  Most of all, I need to protect myself.  This store rakes in millions of dollars a year, despite what people steal from it.  I need to protect my own skin more than other people's money. 

Discouraged

When it comes to being creative, I continue to be more active on Twitter than anywhere else, & my account is here: https://twitter.com/TheBaldVegan
My last book continues to be an absolute failure.  No one has bought it.  I'm considering changing the title.  Obviously, I have nothing to lose.  It is here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Farts-Literature-featuring-Bald-D-Bag-ebook/dp/B074MCFPVD/ref=sr_1_2?s=digita I haven't been working on my next book.  Considering the lack of interest in this one, it seems like a waste of time.
I've been taking Lexapro (an antidepressant) for almost a month now.  I still think that life sucks.  I still wish I'd never been born.  I still think it's selfish and cruel to bring people or animals into this world to suffer, as all sentient beings do.  So it's not working any miracles.  It makes me more wired, more irritable.  It has definitely affected my sleep negatively.  I tend to get up very early, no matter what time I went to bed, and then I can't get back to sleep.
Antidepressants won't cure everything.  As long as lots of animals are suffering to the degree that they are, I will be depressed by it.  Antidepressants won't get me out of my dead-end "career."  I am an "unskilled' worker.  The thought of going back to school to improve my work situation is a daunting one.  We're guaranteed nothing in this dog-eat-dog world.  I could spend a lot of money and time training for a certain job, and then not get hired for it.  I still have to shit, piss, and blow my nose frequently, all of which I hate.  And there's all the other boring, annoying, soul-destroying things that need to be done everyday: like brushing teeth.  I still hate to drive; it's so stressful.  I have to share the road with tons of stupid, careless people, who could ruin my life (even worse than it already is) in a heartbeat by causing me to get into an accident.
So I'm still very much discouraged when it comes to life.  I have very little hope.  I had great hopes for my book that no one has bought.  I still believe in it; I think it's funny.  But, as I've mentioned before, I'm just one of billions of human ants, desperately trying to be heard, and, as always, failing.     

 

"Work Sucks, School Sucks, Life Sucks"

I was watching the news today, and they mentioned the latest school shooting, unless another has occurred by now (only in America).  Before the shooter went on his rampage, he wrote, "Work sucks, school sucks, life sucks."  I couldn't agree more (with the statement, not the shooting).  As usual, I can't be bothered to look back at what I've written before, because I'm lazy, and "been there, done that."  But I'm pretty sure, after another one of these shootings, I wrote that the problem could be as simple as "life sucks."  They hate life, and they hate other people.  People are always annoying the hell out of me.  I don't shoot them, though.  I don't even have a gun.  If I did, I think there's a good chance I'd use it on myself.
I know, I've mentioned suicide plenty of times here, but I'm still alive.  I really don't want to be elderly, though, so I think there's a good chance I'll do it eventually.  I've seen plenty of elderly people that I don't want to be like.  They're fairly helpless.  It's no way to be.  I'm enough of a mess as it is.  If I have trouble with simple functions, like using a credit card, then I definitely don't want to be alive. 

Contempt

I find it very difficult to live in this society, because I have contempt for
-mentally-competent adults that selfishly support animal cruelty by buying meat, leather, fur, etc.
-mentally-competent adults that have procreated
-mentally-competent adults that have brought animals into this world
-mentally-competent adults that spend a lot of time with their faces in their smartphones.
So, once again, obviously, I am not targeting children or the mentally disabled.  I get along with the sorts of people I have just mentioned, mostly because I have to.  I get along quite well with a coworker who eats meat and has kids.  I like her.  Interestingly, we were talking one day, and she admitted, unsolicited, that life is shitty.  Do you regret having kids?  That's the question I wanted to ask but didn't.  I need to do whatever I need to do to get through the day at work.  If I hated, and scowled at, all my coworkers that eat meat, have procreated, and have their faces in their phones every chance they get, I'd be hated.  I have no friends, so I need to try to get along with my coworkers as well as I can.  But whenever I see them eating meat, or hear them talking about their favorite meat dishes, I can feel the contempt bubbling up inside me.  Likewise when I see them with (or hear them talking about) their kids.  Seeing them with their faces in their phones reminds me of the contempt too.
So, again, leaving it all for the wilderness seems like a good idea.  I wouldn't have to be around people I have contempt for.  But the same issues come to mind: bugs bugging me, lack of heat, showers, and toilet paper.  It seems like I can't win.     

The Second-Worst Conspiracy

The second-worst conspiracy is procreation.  There are way too many people in the world.  The law of supply and demand states that the more there is of something, the less the item in question will be worth.  This applies to people as well.
Trillions, quadrillions (or more), people throughout the years, have essentially said, "Sure, life sucks.  It's hard.  It's more shit than sugar.  Maybe, if I brought a baby into the world, that would cheer me up.  And then, when I'm old, too old to take care of myself, then that baby, now an adult, will take care of me; sign me up!  Yeah, sure, in this dangerous, violent world, all sorts of horrible things can happen to my child, but my parents did it to me!  If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for my child.  In fact, it's a kind of revenge.  Someone brought me into this hellhole to suffer, and now it's my right to do it to someone else!"  How much pain and misery has this course of action led to?
Think for a second about how the quality of life has sucked throughout the years.  Imagine life without electricity, toilets, running water in the home, or cars.  It was REALLY shitty to bring people into a world in which those things did not exist.  But procreation is still a very shitty thing to do.  I'm not going to list all the things that are wrong with this world; I've done that over and over again.  It's a very long list.  At anytime, you could be struck by a serious illness, you could be the victim of a nasty car accident, and so on.  SUICIDE IS CONSISTENTLY A LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH.  Doesn't that tell you a lot about human existence?
Even at its best, life sucks.  There's always the pooping, ass wiping, and pissing.  Things haven't been going too badly for me lately.  It looks like I'm going to have a date with a woman I met online, although there are tons of reasons why things wouldn't work out between her and I.  She mentioned, in her dating profile, that she only keeps her "positive" friends.  Well, if she reads this blog, I'm in trouble!  She also doesn't like "loud, crazy" music, and I do.  Maybe I've been feeling better because I recently purchased healthcare, so I know that will begin 1/1/18.  I also have an old prescription for antidepressants, so, if I'm willing to pay over $100 for a months' worth, I can do that.  But there is still the shitty, boring job.  There's no getting away from the knowledge that, considering my age, I make, and I have saved, very little money.  I am a loser in this society.  That's me.  It is what I am: my place in society.  There is still the need to make so many decisions. What should I be doing with my time?  I'm indecisive.  I don't like too many choices and decisions, which is what life in this society consists of.  Inevitably, there's guilt over not doing this, or not doing that.     
I mentioned that some people seem to be addicted to having kids.  I haven't had cable TV for years, but I know there are reality shows about people who have tons of kids.  People who know this blog could probably figure out that I'm disgusted by such people.  But my parents only had one kid, and I wish they hadn't.  I've already experienced too much pain and misery; I shudder to think what the future holds. 

Fuck the Norm (part 2)!

I knew I'd have to revisit this theme, as pain throbs in my left leg.
"How are you?"  "Have a good day."  Bullshit!  "How are you?" is a bullshit way to greet someone if you don't really care how they are.  It is a question.  If you don't care to hear a real answer to it, then don't ask it.  Example: I'm at work, and a customer asks me how I am.  "Not good.  My leg hurts, and so does my foot and my back.  I have depression and OCD.  I hate this job; it's crushing my soul.  Life sucks.  (I could go further.)."  "Have a good day" is also bullshit.  How?  How are I supposed to have a good day?  Hey, if you want me to have a good day, how about giving me a shitload of money?  Or let me watch your hot girlfriend having sex.  That would help.  If you can't truly help me have a good day, then don't say that.  It's meaningless and worthless.  "Hi" and "Hello" are perfectly fine greetings.  They don't say or ask anything fake or stupid, and they waste lass time.  Fuck the norm!
Next is this annoying trend I've been noticing.  People are going bananas for Under Armor apparel around here.  I see a ton of Under Armor shirts, hats, shoes, jackets, etc.  Plenty of people are wearing multiple Under Armor garments at once; multiple members of a family are wearing them, etc.  I'll admit that, when I was a kid, I paid to advertise apparel companies by buying shirts that said "Adidas" on them, etc., but I was a KID!  That's my excuse.  I'm talking about fully-grown adults paying (probably through the nose) for the right to advertise the company that's taking their money!  Fuck the norm!
Lastly are tattoos.  It has become the norm to pay someone to mutilate your body!  Stupid!  Also, why do fat people get tattoos?  Hey, look at me!  I've got a tattoo between my stretch marks!  Don't these morons realize how shitty these tattoos will look once they get older (Plenty of them look shitty from the start.)?  Fuck the norm! 

Easier

It would be so much easier for me to swallow some pills and jump off a bridge than do all the other things I have to do.

Massacre in Vegas

I believe I've written this before, after some other mass shooting or terrorist attack, but the problem could be that life, in our society, sucks.  They're looking for a motive.  Maybe they'll find one.  Maybe he hated life, wanted to die, and wanted to take as many people with him as he could.  Maybe he hated people.  But what should we expect from a world that's been so consistently violent for so long?
I assume that the rest of the world thinks that America's gun laws are a joke, and this is obviously why we have more of these than, I assume, the rest of the world combined.

Things I've Heard

Life sucks.
Life is hard.
Life's a bitch.
Life is pain.
Nobody ever said life is fair.
Stop the world; I want to get off!
"To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
Growing old ain't for sissies. (The horrible implication is obvious.  Getting old means more pain, weakness, vulnerability, deterioration of the body and mind, less independence, possibly being put in a "home."  I went with my ex-girlfriend to the hospital where her mother was spending her last days.  It was horrible: a nightmare.  Frail, desperately lonely elderly people waiting for death.  Impending death was in the air; it was palpable: a horrifying experience.  I had to leave before she did: waiting for her outside in nature: glorious nature, I needed it's natural antidepressant qualities quite badly after that.  This is how life ends for many.  Let that be a grim warning to all you parents out there.  It makes sense that, the shittier the parent, the less your kids are going to want to help you when you need it so badly in your old age.)
"It's the terror of knowing what the world is about, watching some good friends screaming, 'Let me out'" (from "Under Pressure" by David Bowie and Freddy Mercury)
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.  That's the two categories.  The horrible are like terminal cases and blind people, crippled, I don't know how they get through life.  It's amazing to me.  And the miserable is everyone else." (from Annie Hall by Woody Allen)

If these things are known and true, and they are, then why bring others into the world to suffer?
 

I Don't Want to Live

I hate my job.  My neighbors ruin my home life, so I never get to enjoy myself.  I'm always in pain.  My ears are always ringing.  Life is shit.  Suicide should be easy.  I should be able to go to any drugstore and buy pills that will kill me, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  I don't want a painful, fearful suicide.  I don't think I deserve that.  I have no friends.  I could call my aforementioned frenemy, but, as I've mentioned before, he judges, criticizes, and yells at me for no good reason.  I hate life.  I want to die.