Hanging on by a Paw

Sometimes, all you have to live for is a paw.  These are dark times for me.  However, this weekend, I spent the night at my friend's house.  He has 2 cats: Jack and Berkeley.  I slept on a couch.  Berkeley slept on the couch cushion that was right over my head.  He used to recline on the couch cushion that was closer to my feet.  Because of the location of the TV, I always face the same way when I recline.  Lately, Berkeley has switched cushions he lies on, I think, because he wants to make it easier for me to pet him.  He's a very sweet cat.  So is Jack, but he's a bit of a scaredy cat.
I was sleeping on the couch and I opened my eyes.  I was looking up.  I saw one of Berkeley's paws hanging over the couch cushion.  That sight delighted me.  My friend, Berkeley, slept right above my head.
When I'm depressed, and I often am, I try to remember to think about the sight of Berkeley's paw.   

Stoned to Death

Fear not the bad man anymore, baby groundhog.

Bumpkin found out about what the evil elderly man did to the baby groundhogs; he threw rocks at them.  I'm sure he never imagined how he sealed his fate with the first rock he threw.  He angered the most powerful sentient being in the history of the world.  She got up early and waited for the nasty man to walk by.  She stared out the window for hours.  She saw him.  She levitated rocks from all over the area.  Once they were in the air, they hurtled at great speed toward the man.  He was shocked.  He was pelted over and over again with rocks.  He tried to cover his head and run, but he was constantly being hit by rocks.  Bumpkin did not want him to run away.  He was going to die; that was certain.  Bumpkin wanted him to die within sight of the hole where the baby groundhogs and their mother were attacked by him.  She sent 2 rocks at hyper velocity toward the man's kneecaps.  The rocks shattered them.  He had no choice but to crumple to the ground.  Rocks continued to hit him mercilessly.  He continued to cover his head with his arms.
"Suffer if you want to," said Bumpkin.  She increased the speed of the rocks that hit him.  Blood stained the man's white shirt.
Sweetpea poked her sweet little head out of the hole to see what was going on.
"That's right, Sweetpea," Bumpkin said.  "Come on out and watch the bad man die.  He won't try to hurt you or your sisters anymore.  He's going to die."
Sweetpea came out of the hole and so did her mother and sisters.  They watched as the man's body continued to be struck by rocks.  Sweetpea scampered over to the man.  By this time, he had lost a lot of blood.  Sweetpea dipped her front left paw into a pool of blood and began to write on the sidewalk.
"I knew it," said Bumpkin.  "I knew that Sweetpea is far from being the average groundhog."
Sure enough, Sweetpea wrote her name on the sidewalk using the bad man's blood.  When she was finished, she calmly crawled onto the grass and began to eat.
"Now the circle is complete," said Bumpkin.  "Sweetpea and I have enough power between us to conquer the universe.  I'm sure of it."
The man continued to bleed.  In fact, he bled out and perished where he fell.
"Good riddance," declared Bumpkin.   

Let's Go to the Beach: Part Deux

It's Rusty (Lucinda's son) and Daisy (Bumpkin's daughter).

I opened the car doors and flipped the levers so the front seats would move forward and allow my groundhog friends, Sloopy and Lucinda, to climb into the car and onto the back seat.  Bumpkin sat up front with me.
"All right.  I guess we're ready to go to the beach!" I said.
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with excitement, and we were off.  I couldn't help noticing that Bumpkin had used her superpowers to open the car's passenger-side window all the way.  I was hoping that she did that for the fresh air.  However, she raised her front left paw and launched several fireballs from it, in rapid-fire succession, that slipped right out the window she had opened.  Boom!  One of the fireballs hit a gas station, which caused a massive explosion.  Sloopy and Lucinda loved it.  She also destroyed some cars, and more buildings, with the first fusillade of the day.  Her actions surprised me, but I said nothing.  Bumpkin had said she was going to wage war against humans for control of the world this spring, and, obviously, she meant it.  At this point, fireballs were popping out of her left paw like popcorn.  One after the other they came.  Again, they hit cars and buildings: stores and houses alike.  The war had begun.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She appeared to be as cool as a cucumber.  Her mastery of the fireballs of destruction is complete.  She wasn't even breaking a sweat.
After causing much destruction, we arrived at the beach.  I got out of the car, opened the doors, and moved the seats forward so Lucinda and Sloopy could get out.  We walked toward the beach.  I suppose it's a bit of a strange sight to see a human walking to the beach with 3 groundhogs, so people did their share of staring.  Unfortunately, for them, Bumpkin was in no mood to be stared at.  Everyone that pointed, stared at, or talked about us got their buns toasted by one of Bumpkin's fireballs.  I saw some boats on the lake.  Bumpkin saw them too.  She sent at least one fireball to each and every one of the boats we saw.  The fireballs detonated on the boats.  There were explosions, fires, and boats were sinking.  She even flung one at a passing plane.  She nailed it.  It exploded and suddenly fell from the sky.  It crashed into the lake.
War has begun.  People get ready for a new world leader: a groundhog named Bumpkin.    

Bumpkin Apologized

Go ahead and take a break; you earned it.

She's a little rough around the edges, she has the necessary power to fiercely battle all the world's militaries simultaneously, but she's a real sweetheart.  She apologized for hitting me in the backside with one of her fireballs, which always emanate from her left front paw. 
"I'm sorry I hit you in the butt with a fireball," she said.
"Oh, Mistress Bumpkin, thank you so much.  That means so much to me," I replied with teary eyes.  It really did.  I love it when she's not mad at me; when I don't really have to worry about being deep-sixed by a groundhog.
She stood on her hind paws.  "Give me a hug," she said.
"Gladly, Madame Bumpkin, gladly," I replied.  We hugged.  It was great.  "You know I love you, Lady Bumpkin."
"I know you do," she replied.
"And I want to be with you for as long as I can."
"I know."
"Whatever I need to do to prove my worth to you; I will do."
"You'll try; I don't know if you'll succeed."
I got down on one knee in front of Bumpkin.  "Ms. Bumpkin, I hereby pledge my everlasting loyalty to you: now and forever."
"What is this crapola?"
"I'll always be on your side.  We'll always be each other's firsts.  You're my first groundhog friend, and I'm your first human friend."
"You're my only human friend.  I won't be making any more human friends; especially since I'll be slaughtering millions of them every darn day come spring."
"It will be a bloody spring indeed.  Please remember, as I've said before, friends don't kill friends."
"Don't you try to tell me who I shouldn't kill!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am."
"If you don't want me to kill you, then you should be begging me for opportunities to practice your marvelous groundhog massage technique on my body."
"Yes!  Thanks for reminding me!  Would you like a massage right now, Princess Bumpkin?"
"No, I mentioned it because I don't want a massage." 
I began to rub her little shoulders.  "I know when you're being sarcastic.  Just relax and enjoy the ride."

Bumpkin the Destroyer

R.I.P. building; you'll be missed

Bumpkin has earned another title. This time it's Bumpkin the Destroyer. She has just begun to test her powers, and today she unleashed them onto a building in my apartment complex. She destroyed it completely with a giant fireball that emanated from one of her paws. She only needed to raise her little paw to reduce an entire building to rubble. The police came. It seems like I was the only witness. I told them what happened. I don't think they believed me. When will they believe me? When it's too late? This is why Bumpkin's body is the perfect container for all those evil powers. Who would suspect a thing? People are so stupid and narrow-minded. I'm sure there's plenty of people who wouldn't believe what I saw, even if they saw it with their own eyes. She's already gotten away with the complete destruction of a building, the impaling of a cute bunny named Flopsy, and vandalism (When she wrote her name on the sidewalk in Flopsy's blood.).
It doesn't matter who I've called, no one has taken me seriously. I even called the Department of Homeland Security. I watch the news; I read the papers; I know what's going on. Bumpkin represents the gravest threat to the security of the United States. Her superpowers are increasing exponentially. Her attacks will continue and they will defy rhyme and reason. She destroys because she can; it's as simple as that. What will she destroy tomorrow? That's what will keep me awake tonight. Perhaps she'll destroy my building while I'm asleep, and I'll never know what hit me. That's just wishful thinking. My greater fear is that she'll turn me into one of her henchmen. It's getting harder and harder to resist the telepathic orders that she gives me on a regular basis. "I don't feel good. Go pick 345 blades of grass and toss them into my hole." No Bumpkin! "Come on, I'm sick: seriously." No Bumpkin, get it yourself! "You bring me that grass ASAP or I will eradicate you with extreme prejudice!" That did it. I picked and brought her the grass. My back is still sore from bending over 345 times. This is madness. Everyone living in this apartment complex is under her dark spell. Soon, the entire city of Rochester, NY will be under her control. Then she'll take Monroe County. Believe it or not, once she has control of the whole state of New York, and she will, she plans to celebrate by renaming it New Bumpkin. I know because I hear her voice in my brain 24/7! Bumpkin, for the love of all that's holy, please release me from your telepathic clutches!