Contempt

I find it very difficult to live in this society, because I have contempt for
-mentally-competent adults that selfishly support animal cruelty by buying meat, leather, fur, etc.
-mentally-competent adults that have procreated
-mentally-competent adults that have brought animals into this world
-mentally-competent adults that spend a lot of time with their faces in their smartphones.
So, once again, obviously, I am not targeting children or the mentally disabled.  I get along with the sorts of people I have just mentioned, mostly because I have to.  I get along quite well with a coworker who eats meat and has kids.  I like her.  Interestingly, we were talking one day, and she admitted, unsolicited, that life is shitty.  Do you regret having kids?  That's the question I wanted to ask but didn't.  I need to do whatever I need to do to get through the day at work.  If I hated, and scowled at, all my coworkers that eat meat, have procreated, and have their faces in their phones every chance they get, I'd be hated.  I have no friends, so I need to try to get along with my coworkers as well as I can.  But whenever I see them eating meat, or hear them talking about their favorite meat dishes, I can feel the contempt bubbling up inside me.  Likewise when I see them with (or hear them talking about) their kids.  Seeing them with their faces in their phones reminds me of the contempt too.
So, again, leaving it all for the wilderness seems like a good idea.  I wouldn't have to be around people I have contempt for.  But the same issues come to mind: bugs bugging me, lack of heat, showers, and toilet paper.  It seems like I can't win.     

It's Gonna Kill Me

The mad dash before work: hurriedly grabbing keys, sunglasses, and other things.  Time just before you need to leave for work goes fastest.  I hate driving.  It is so stressful.  Every time I'm passing someone's car on the highway, I'm worried that he or she, not seeing my car, will change lanes and hit mine.  An old guy almost did that to me recently.  His car nearly hit mine, but he saw it just in time.  My car has hydroplaned several times: terrifying.
Yesterday, I was waiting to make a right turn.  The approaching car was making a right turn, so I thought that would be my opportunity to make the turn, because the driver behind the one making the turn would certainly slow down for the car in front of him, but that didn't happen.  I ended up cutting off that driver a little, which resulted in him giving me the finger.  I gave him the finger.  A little further down the road, as I was waiting to make a left turn, he honked his horn as he passed me, so I could see him give me the finger again.  I flipped him off again.  I was very angry.  I was thinking how I could quickly communicate to him that I wanted to beat the shit out of him.  I've seen plenty of accidents and road rage incidents.
It seems like virtually all my problems are society related.  I hate my job.  I hate my neighbors.  For the most part, I hate people.  A meat-eating biological parent that believes in god is someone that I really don't relate to.  Why am I here?  Why am I in my apt, where I don't want to be, getting ready for work, where I don't want to go?  My writing gives me a little bit of hope.  I have written 3 books, which, of course, have generated very little interest, but that can change, I tell myself.  Yeah, right.  Most people don't read.  Should I start taking antidepressants again?  Is that what life is all about?  Taking unnatural medications so you can tolerate life in a shitty, human-made society? 
I'm thinking that maybe I should just leave it all to live in the wilderness: not live as a homeless person in a city; that seems horrible.  No, truly living in the wilderness.  My neighbors have chased me out of my apt on my days off, and I've been spending more time in nature as a result.  It feels good to be there; it feels right.  I believe that is how we're supposed to live.  Society hasn't improved life; it's ruined it for many.  Of course, I'm a have not.  Wealthy people probably love life in our society.  They have poor bastards like me doing everything for them: like cleaning.  But, for someone like me, I don't think it's a good deal to live in civilization. 
Civilization, another joke of a human word.  Humans are a nightmare: an incredibly violent species that terrorizes, on a massive scale, animals, the environment, and each other.  It's civilized to support horrific animal cruelty by buying meat and leather.  It's civilized to bring people into the world to suffer.  It's civilized to worship gods, that never existed, like a fucking Neanderthal.  It's civilized to pretend that life in society is great, and you're so happy in it, even if you're miserable.  Don't complain.  Whiners are weiners.  Don't rock the boat.
There are problems with living in nature.  Can I get by without showers and toilet paper?  It seems like those things would be the hardest to live without.  Bugs are also a problem.  They are very annoying.  I think I'll start reading books about living off the grid.  All I'd need for entertainment is a library card.  If I ever just walk away from my apt and job, I'd make sure to pack one very important item: the rope I bought, to hang myself with, years ago.  If things didn't work out, I could hang myself from a tree in the middle of nowhere.      

Human

 
It occurred to me that I'm not good at being a human being.  I don't like doing many of the things that humans do: driving a car, putting on socks,  putting on shoes, putting on shirts, putting on pants, putting on underwear, taking those things off again, showering, flossing, brushing my teeth, making coffee, cooking, cleaning, dealing with shitty people, receiving bills, paying bills, seeing commercials, seeing ads, working at shitty jobs, applying for shitty jobs, doing laundry, and so on.  I'm not good at making decisions.  When you're a human, there are so many choices to make.  There are so many things to remember.  It's too complicated.
I'm much more of an animal.  I'm good at eating and lying around.  Of course I believe that humans are animals; we have so many things in common with them.  We just happen to be the worst, most destructive, animals to ever walk the Earth.  It's quite possible I'll soon be forced to live like an animal: outside.  Suicide is also an option.  Sometimes I think I'd like to leave this society, but it's hard to imagine life without toilet paper and ass washing.  I know I mentioned I don't like showers, and it's true, but they, like many things, are a necessary evil.
I want to make clear that even though I object to working at any of these places, because they serve meat, I applied for jobs there anyway, becasue I was trying to SURVIVE: McDonald's, Panera Bread, and DiBella's Subs.  I didn't hear back from any of them: no interest whatsoever.  Where's the hope?

I hate pooping!

Nothing to do with pooping, but it should be seen.

Oh!  I hate pooping so much!  The thrill is gone, and it's been gone for a long time now.  Although, I never get tired of looking at my poop.  I could look at my poop forever and ever and ever and ever.  I hate wiping my ass; that's for sure!  I have OCD, and one of the ways it manifests itself is with excessive ass wiping.  I will wipe, wipe, wipe until I see NOTHING (except for blood, which I've seen on toilet paper plenty of times after wiping) on the toilet paper. 
What a waste of time it is!  I've spent so much of my life pooping and wiping my ass.  Some people are really into juicing.  I Googled, "If you only drink juice, will you still poop?"  The answer, unfortunately, is yes.  The consensus was that you'll have a little, wet poop, but you will poop.  It seems like there's just no way around pooping.  It is a necessary evil.
Also as a result of OCD, I hate pooping anywhere but my home.  I hate pooping regardless, but I despise doing it anywhere else but home.  Public restrooms are gross.  I barely tolerate peeing there.  Those places are germ festivals.  I wear long-sleeved shirts: even in the summer.  The main reason I do it is becasue it covers my arms, so I don't have to put sunscreen on them, which saves both time and money.  But there's another advantage as well.  Whenever I have to grab a handle to enter or exit a public restroom, I touch it with a shirtsleeve instead of my skin.
Ever think about how much poop comes out of all the asses, human and animal, in one day?  It must be tons' worth.  So much poop.  A crazy amount of poop.  There's no doubt in my mind that people have killed themselves because they didn't want to poop, or wipe, anymore.  It's one more thing about life that sucks.
It's amazing to me that people are so sex crazy.  I'm not.  A beautiful woman looks great, but, first of all, she probably won't be into my bald loser ass, and, secondly, she farts and poops, which is gross.  So keep it all in perspective.  The most beautiful people in the world fart and poop out the stink.  They're just like you and me in that regard.