Plans

no explanation: except for the obvious: insanity

I've been meaning to do this for a while. I've tweeted that I can't do my job anymore, and it's true. it's so incredibly boring and repetitive. Not only do I see the same coworkers, but the same customers as well. I hate seeing those faces. I need a change.
Today, I sat on the counter while I had no customers in my fucking face, and a coworker said there was an email about sitting on counters and reading. Before I left, I briefly looked for that email, but didn't find it. I was, after all, wanting to get the fuck out of there ASAP as I always am when the day is finally over. I'll look for it tomorrow night when I'll have plenty of time.
I have no reason to doubt the email was sent. It seems like it's targeting me specifically. I sit on the counter, and I read when I get a chance to. What does the typical person do when they get a chance? They stare at their fucking phones. They text, surf the web, etc. Not me. I recently finally bought a smartphone, because the phone I had died. But I only have an inexpensive talk plan on it: no text and no Internet. I began sitting on the counter, because I have a lot of pain in my feet and legs, and standing all day doesn't help. I suppose I should probably tell them that. Maybe I should also tell them I have depression and OCD, and maybe that's why they think I'm a miserable "asshole."
So now I'm thinking compromise. I won't stop reading when I get a chance: no fucking way.  Seems like, all of a sudden, the store manager has a problem with it. The assistant store managers don't.  So maybe I'll just do what I used to do: lean on the counter.  But if the pain is too great, then I'll go back to sitting on the counter (There are 2, so I'm facing the 1 I'm using.).
There's the possibility of applying for another job in the store. Instead of being a cashier, I'd work in a department (If they'd hire me. I applied for a head cashier job, which I was def qualified for, & I didn't even get an interview: just an email saying "no thanks."). But then I wouldn't be able to stand on the anti-fatigue mats I stand on most of the time; I'd be walking on the concrete floor.  As I mentioned, I already have a lot of pain in my feet and legs. So I think I have to leave. God, I hate looking for a job; I really despise it. And I'm "unskilled," so my chances of getting a good job, that I like, are slim to none. What if I got a job where I have to sit all day? That's probably, in the long run, worse than standing all day. It's not good to bend your spine too much. It seems like we were meant to be "straight:" standing or lying down.
I feel best outside. I've thought about living in the wilderness. But the reality is I'm addicted to living in society with it's comforts (That we pay so dearly for.).  It's not realistic.
So, once again, death. I've contemplated suicide. I've threatened to do it. I've attempted to do it.  Living is pain. It's suffering.
Maybe I'll quit my job and do some traveling. I'll make sure to pack the nylon rope I bought to hang myself about 10 years ago. I don't know how long the trip would last. Being on the road by myself seems lonely, and, from what I remember, it is. I don't like driving at all; the intelligent, sensitive person is stressed out by it, because it's so dangerous. 
So all signs point to death. Even when I'm not working, I'm miserable. Work just takes it to another level.  

Antinatalism

It's been a while. As I've mentioned previously, I've been more active on Twitter, & the account is here: https://twitter.com/TheBaldVegan In fact, I've been sort of addicted to the instant gratification one can get from posting there.
It was there that I recently discovered the word "antinatalism." This is from Wikipedia:
"Antinatalism is a philosophical position that assigns a negative value to birth. Antinatalists argue that people should refrain from procreation because it is immoral. In scholarly and in literary writings, various ethical foundations have been adduced for antinatalism.  Some of the earliest surviving formulations of the idea that it would be better not to have been born come from ancient Greece.  The term "antinatalism" is in opposition to the term "natalism" or "pro-natalism", and was used probably for the first time as the name of the position by Théophile de Giraud (born 1968) in his book L'art de guillotiner les procréateurs: Manifeste anti-nataliste."
So those who know me from here know that I am an antinatalist.  It turns out that there are quite a few people like me. I didn't know that.  It seemed like I was surrounded by breeders.  Of course I am, but there is a whole community of people who, like me, think it's cruel to bring someone into this world of pain, fear, misery, violence, suffering, addiction, depression, suicide, death, disease, disabilities, hostility, stupidity, frustration, etc.
I'm still not working on my next book. I have no hope that anyone will have any interest in it, so it seems like a waste of time.  

It's All Shit

The antidepressants aren't working.  I hate life.  My life is pathetic.  I have no friends.  I don't even understand the concept of friendship.  I'm 100% sure that it's cruel to bring someone into this world.  Life is torture.  This society is so fake, so false.  People put a fake smile on, but there's so much misery.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'll be alone for Xmas again.  I'm always alone for the holidays.  I don't know what to do with my time.  I read a little.  I watch TV.  I tweet.  I exercise.  I'm just going through the motions; none of it brings any real satisfaction.  I should have killed myself a long time ago.  My life is a bad deal; it's consistently shitty.  I have very little hope that my life will get better. 

Broken Links

My father is a broken link.  He hasn't been a father to me.  He left my mother and I when I was 2 years old.  He didn't teach me how to use tools, how to build stuff, how to fix things, how to throw a baseball, how to throw a football, how to fight, how to be a man; though he couldn't teach me how to be a man, because he isn't a man, and he never will be.  I've complained more about my mother here than my father.  The reason is that my mother attempts to be in my life.  She repeatedly reminds me of her and how she brought me into this world of pain, misery, and death.  I haven't heard from my father since I was a teen (a long time ago).  Did he ever care about me?  And, if so, then for how long?  Certainly not long.  No, I am just the physical manifestation of a big mistake he made. 
I work in a national hardware store, which is sort of ironic, because I know so little about building and fixing stuff.  I suppose that is why I have remained a cashier, even though I could conceivably transfer to another area in the store.  I've heard about how customers react when they feel as though my coworkers don't know enough about the areas they are covering.  So it's strange to be surrounded by all these people who build and fix stuff regularly; for lots of them, that's what their job entails. 
I mentioned the regular customer, who I thought was a nice guy, and he is, but he likes to brag about his money.  He told me a little story, in which he mentioned his $150,000 car.  Doesn't he realize that, as a cashier, I can't afford a car like that?  Does he enjoy rubbing his money into the faces of those who don't have as much as he does?  Bragging about money is like school on Sunday: no class.  How did he learn how to use tools and build and fix stuff?  Perhaps from his father.  So you see the difference between a boy whose father taught him things and a boy whose father taught him nearly nothing.
In fact, the more I talk to customers at work, the more likely they are to start bragging about their money.  Money is what matters more than anything in this shitty society.  It is why animals are treated so horribly.  It is all too common for them to not get the medical care they need, because that would cost money, so, as a result, they suffer.  It is also why animals like pigs and chickens are crammed into small spaces, many of them not getting enough space to walk at all; it's cost-effective.   
So, as a result of not knowing how to build and fix stuff, the thought of being a homeowner is a daunting one.  Therefore, for the foreseeable future, I don't se myself buying a house (not that I could afford one anyway), so I'll continue to live in apartments, and hearing my neighbors will continue to make me miserable.          

Are You Proud of Yourself?!

You knew it!  You knew this was a dangerous, violent world!  And if you didn't, then you're a fucking moron!  But you wanted a cute lil' baby waby (cootchie, cootchie!) any damn way!  So you brought (at least) one into this fucked-up world of pain, misery, and death!  And now it's too fucking late, but take a good look around and see what a shitty world it is!
Terrorist attacks all over the world!  Oh, there's another terrorist attack.  Another one?  Yeah, another one.  Oh, it's so sad.  Yes, it is.
Mass shootings!  In America, it's a fucked-up joke!  Oh, another one?  No one should be surprised anymore.  Piece of shit Trump had the fucking nerve to say that it's not a gun issue!  Of course it's a gun issue!  If there's one mass shooting after another, and they're not using fucking sling shots, or crossbows, then it's a gun issue!  If it 's not a gun issue, then why isn't it happening to this degree (not even close) in countries where it's much harder to get guns?  See my post about how "You can't protect them."  You can't protect your kids from this fucked-up world.  The scumbag politicians won't do anything (or they won't do enough) to stop this sort of shit, because they love the money they get from the NRA, and they don't want to lose gun enthusiasts' votes.  So the shootings will continue to happen, and they'll just fucking shrug and basically say, "What can you do?"  You can do something about guns for a change, for fuck's sake!  There's way too many of them in America!  The governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, had the balls to pass legislation against certain types of guns, and assholes responded by putting bumper stickers on their cars that said "fuck Cuomo," which was written with assault rifles: fucking morons!  And, as I've already pointed out, life is too shitty in this society.  People will get depressed and angry, and instead of trying to deal with it in an intelligent way, they will just say "fuck it," grab a gun(s) and start shooting.
The gun is an evil invention.  It is all about injuring and killing.  That's what they do.  I hate them.  I hate them, not only because they injure and kill people, but because the do it to animals too.         

The Second-Worst Conspiracy

The second-worst conspiracy is procreation.  There are way too many people in the world.  The law of supply and demand states that the more there is of something, the less the item in question will be worth.  This applies to people as well.
Trillions, quadrillions (or more), people throughout the years, have essentially said, "Sure, life sucks.  It's hard.  It's more shit than sugar.  Maybe, if I brought a baby into the world, that would cheer me up.  And then, when I'm old, too old to take care of myself, then that baby, now an adult, will take care of me; sign me up!  Yeah, sure, in this dangerous, violent world, all sorts of horrible things can happen to my child, but my parents did it to me!  If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for my child.  In fact, it's a kind of revenge.  Someone brought me into this hellhole to suffer, and now it's my right to do it to someone else!"  How much pain and misery has this course of action led to?
Think for a second about how the quality of life has sucked throughout the years.  Imagine life without electricity, toilets, running water in the home, or cars.  It was REALLY shitty to bring people into a world in which those things did not exist.  But procreation is still a very shitty thing to do.  I'm not going to list all the things that are wrong with this world; I've done that over and over again.  It's a very long list.  At anytime, you could be struck by a serious illness, you could be the victim of a nasty car accident, and so on.  SUICIDE IS CONSISTENTLY A LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH.  Doesn't that tell you a lot about human existence?
Even at its best, life sucks.  There's always the pooping, ass wiping, and pissing.  Things haven't been going too badly for me lately.  It looks like I'm going to have a date with a woman I met online, although there are tons of reasons why things wouldn't work out between her and I.  She mentioned, in her dating profile, that she only keeps her "positive" friends.  Well, if she reads this blog, I'm in trouble!  She also doesn't like "loud, crazy" music, and I do.  Maybe I've been feeling better because I recently purchased healthcare, so I know that will begin 1/1/18.  I also have an old prescription for antidepressants, so, if I'm willing to pay over $100 for a months' worth, I can do that.  But there is still the shitty, boring job.  There's no getting away from the knowledge that, considering my age, I make, and I have saved, very little money.  I am a loser in this society.  That's me.  It is what I am: my place in society.  There is still the need to make so many decisions. What should I be doing with my time?  I'm indecisive.  I don't like too many choices and decisions, which is what life in this society consists of.  Inevitably, there's guilt over not doing this, or not doing that.     
I mentioned that some people seem to be addicted to having kids.  I haven't had cable TV for years, but I know there are reality shows about people who have tons of kids.  People who know this blog could probably figure out that I'm disgusted by such people.  But my parents only had one kid, and I wish they hadn't.  I've already experienced too much pain and misery; I shudder to think what the future holds. 

You Can't Protect Them

I write this as, once again, the tears are welling up in my eyes.  Once you've brought a baby into this world, it's too late.  You can't protect them from all the evils, and the shit, of this world.  You can't protect them from pain, loneliness, sadness, frustration, disappointment, bullies, child molesters, rapists, murderers, terrorists, disabilities, autism, OCD, depression, suicide, cancer, AIDS, etc..  I could go on and on.  You can't protect them from the feeling of "I should be doing this or that, I should have done this or that."  Only death brings relief from the pain, and misery, of life.        

Trapped

I am trapped

in this skin
in this broken body
in this damaged brain that is afflicted with depression and OCD
with these ears that are always ringing
in this shitty, painful life
in this dirty apartment
in this suffering situation
in this shit "career"
in this sad, pathetic existence
in this sick society
on this ultra-violent planet of misery

Better Off Dead

I've contemplated my situation and realized I'm better off dead.  My life is a bad deal.  I get up and take a shit and wipe my ass, which I hate doing passionately.  I have to do this at least a few times everyday.  I also hate having to piss, which I have to do more than several times a day.  Afterward, my penis always leaks piss into my underwear; every single day is disgusting.  It's guaranteed. 
I've mentioned the pain I'm in; it's chronic, and it hurts.
I hate my job; it's very repetitive and boring; it's a soul squasher.  All I've had are menial jobs.  That's where I'm stuck.  When I've tried to get a better one, they have said, "no."  They say America is a free country, but not if you have to work.  You're a slave to the money you need to live in a society that's not worth living in anyway.
I hate people.  There are a small amount of coworkers I get along with, but they eat meat, which means they unnecessarily support animal cruelty. 
I have no friends, girlfriend, or pets.  I love dogs, but the question of whether to get a pet or not is a complicated one, and I have ultimately decided against getting one.  One of the most important reason is I need to be free to kill myself.  If I have a pet I can't do that, because, as far as I'm concerned, when you make a commitment to a pet, it's for his or her entire life. 
My shitty neighbors ruin my home life, so there's no escape from the shit, the misery.  As I'm writing this, I'm keeping an eye on the clock, because, as soon as I can, I'm going to have to attempt to do my laundry again.  There's too much fucking competition for the goddamn laundry machines here.  I'm way overdue when it comes to laundry.  I go there, and the machines are inevitably taken.    
I've considered living in the wilderness, but how can I go without showers and toilet paper?  I'm addicted to living in this sick society.  Besides, bugs ruin the wilderness.
Death, as I see it, is an end to pain.
 

Fuck the Norm!

You buy and eat meat.  Do you ever think that it's wrong to support animal cruelty?  I don't know.  You eat, and talk about, your favorite meat dishes with a smile on your face.  It seems like you don't care about the animals you're eating.  But most people are doing it.  It's the norm.  Fuck the norm!  It's cruel! 
You have brought 4 kids into this world.  Look around.  Watch the news.  Study the history of the world.  This is an extremely violent planet!  It is full of pain, despair, misery, loneliness, disease, depression, suicide, war, terrorism, harassment, bullying, molestation, rape, murder, and death.  But most people have kids.  It's the norm.  Fuck the norm!  It's cruel to bring someone into this world to suffer!
You litter.  You don't recycle.  You don't give a fuck about the environment.  You think it's funny to say things like, "Hey, when it (the Earth) all goes to shit, I'll be dead by then."  You're worthless trash!  Hey, rich fucks, if us poor fucks round these assholes up, will you launch their worthless asses into space?  And, once there, we can just let them float away, to their deaths, with no space suits.  Fuck the norm! 
You believe in god.  You even believe every word of the bible, which is stupid, because it's a ridiculous story: full of crap that doesn't happen in the real world.  You pray for someone, and you're proud of yourself: absurd!  Pray for someone, and you've done NOTHING!  It's so lazy!  It's just a thought.  You're proud of yourself for thinking a nice thought about somebody?  How about getting off your fat ass and DOING something, you lazy, stupid fuck!  But most people (supposedly) believe in god.  It's the norm.  Fuck the norm!  It's fucking stupid!  In thousands of years of human existence, there has been zero proof that god exists! 
To be sung to the tune of "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" (Wang Chung song)-
"Everybody look at your phone, everybody be a mindless drone
Everybody look at your phone, and be a mindless fucking drone
You're a mindless fucking drone, because you're ruled by your phone"
You have a smartphone, and you love it.  Every chance you get, your face is in that phone.  I've seen parents paying more attention to their phones than their young children: plenty of times!  The phones are taking over!  They are ruling their masters, because they are smarter, and superior, to them.  Don't allow a device to hypnotize you!  Get off of Facebook for a bit!  It's mostly garbage!  I reconnected with my aforementioned "frenemy" because of Facebook, and he's a bad influence.  He got me back into drinking and smoking weed.  I was better off without him, and now he's back where he belongs: out of my life!  Here's an idea.  Keep your face in your phone for too long, and people have the right to punch your typical face!  Fuck you!  This culture has turned to shit, because legions of you have your faces in your phones 24/fucking/7!  But most people have their stupid, typical faces in their phones all the fucking time.  It's the norm.  Fuck the norm!!!!!!     

Words

Words are all you have.  The only way in which you make sacrifices are with the words you use.  You have criticized me, plenty of times, for things I have said.  You are a politically correct pussy in that regard.  But you're not consistent.  You utilize a double standard that favors you every time.  One day, you'll yell at me for something I said.  The next, you'll say something that's essentially the same thing, but you said it, and that makes it okay, because you, according to you, are perfect.
It got to the point where, when you would criticize me for something I said, I'd remind you that I haven't spent any money on meat, milk, or eggs since 2002.  I refuse to support the ultra-cruel meat industry, the slaughterhouse.  "That has nothing to do with it," you'd respond.  Oh, but it does.  You say that because you eat meat.  You care much more about yourself than the animals you're eating.  When you buy meat, you're paying people to keep animals in concentration-camp-like conditions.  You're paying them to kill the animals too.  That is much, much, much, much, much worse than anything I can say.  What would you rather deal with?  Someone saying something that you don't like or being put into a concentration camp to suffer until you're murdered?
Then there's another one of my major issues: procreation.  I've never brought someone into this wicked world, but you have.  You have a beautiful young daughter.  You have put photos of her, wearing yoga pants, on Facebook.  Did it ever occur to you that perverts might be drooling over those pictures?  Did it ever occur to you that some of them might stalk her?  I don't care if that's what everybody else is doing; I think it's incredibly stupid.  Now she's off to college.  Have you ever seen the documentary The Hunting Ground?  It's about the huge problem of rape on college campuses.  Have you told her about the date-rape drug, Rohypnol?  She should know about these things. 
I haven't eaten exactly what I want to since 2002.  I've never experienced the joy of holding my own child, because I refuse to bring anyone into this incredibly violent world of pain, misery, and death.  The only sacrifices you make involve not saying certain words.  That's nothing.            

This World Is Not for Me

These are reasons why this world is not for me:
Violence-there is way too much of it, and there probably always has been.
Misery-I see it all around me.  I'm miserable.  Many of my coworkers are, etc.
Pain-it hurts.
Way too many people are cruel to animals (Buying meat is being cruel to animals, because one supports animal cruelty when one does it.).
Way too many people bring people and/or animals into this world to suffer.
Eating meat and procreating are part of the status quo.
Depression-it's horrible; it makes you choose between suffering and suicide.  And it's extremely expensive to treat it in this greedy country that cares so much more about money than its citizens.
Too much shit-literally and figuratively.  I hate shitting and wiping.  I hate all the shitty things I have to do.
Horrible possibilities-I could be falsely convicted for murder and spend the rest of my life in prison.  People have been paralyzed from the neck down by strokes that came out of nowhere.  Car accidents kill and main people everyday.
Facing the deterioration of the mind and body due to aging.
It's unfair-pieces of shit like Trump get to be rich (and president) as a result of being born with silver spoons in their mouths.  Rich people obviously enjoy a better quality of life than other people do.  They don't have to clean their homes.  They don't have to hear their neighbors.  They don't have to work shitty jobs: surrounded by stupid, boring people.
This smartphone culture is shit.  I hate it.  I hate seeing people staring at their phones.  These smartphone zombies are ruining things.  New York is a great city, but the sidewalks are clogged with these assholes.  They could be looking at the incredible architecture, but, instead, they're looking at Facebook.  I hate selfies.  I don't have a smartphone, and the only reason I joined Facebook and Twitter is to promote my writing.  I have posted some substantive stuff about animal cruelty there: very little frivolous crap (I've posted some things I thought were funny.)..  What I really can't stand is all the self-centered shit you'll find in places like that: boring, stupid people putting up boring, stupid content.  I ultimately think that Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. are shit.
I'm repeating myself here, but it could serve as a posthumous explanation.

A Solution

They would make great pets.

It occurred to me that there is a solution to a couple of problems that I feel strongly about.  I have gone on, at length, here about how I feel about procreation, and that it is an act of cruelty when humans bring people or animals into this world of violence, pain, and misery.  So instead of bringing babies into this world, how about adopting a pet?  They bring great joy.  Some of my happiest memories are playing with dogs I have known.  Pets improve one's quality of life.  They reduce stress.  All you have to do is pet them and cuddle with them.  People who have pets live longer than those who don't.  They make life better.  And, unfortunately, there are tons of unwanted dogs and cats languishing in shelters.  There's another way of looking at that, though: as an opportunity.  They deserve good homes. 
Perhaps adopt an unconventional pet.  I love it when people have pigs as pets.  It shows people how pigs SHOULD be treated: with love and kindness: not cruelty and violence.  I read that hens make great pets, because they are soft to the touch, and they don't peck.  God knows they have a right to peck us, considering what we've done, and continue to do, to them.   
Of course, you should only adopt a pet if you, and everyone in your home, are willing to treat that animal as well as you possibly can for the rest of his or her life.  If you want to get a pet, but you live with someone who doesn't want one, then that is a problem.  The person who doesn't want the pet could end up being abusive toward him or her if you went through with the adoption.  There's always the possibility of getting rid of the person.
And, obviously, there is the option of adopting a human kid who needs a home.  While I believe that biological parents are selfish, I think that good adoptive (non-biological) parents are heroes.
And the sound of a barking dog just reminded me-be a responsible pet parent.  I was walking by a park the other day.  A couple of proud Canadian geese parents were watching over their babies.  It was a beautiful sight.  But then I saw 2 small dogs, off leash, approaching the area were the baby geese were.  I almost said something to the pet parents.  I hope the dogs didn't' bother the geese.  The poor parents were probably scared as hell for their babies.  I imagine that the goose parents could have scared the dogs away if they needed to, but the pet parents shouldn't let them bother the geese, and that's the point I'm trying to make.   

Smiles & Lies

Smiles and lies try to hide the truth about life in our society.  Watch TV and you'll see plenty of it: especially in commercials.  Smiling people trying to sell shit to miserable people.
Post your pics of you putting your faces together smiling on Fakebook.  Don't post pics of the truth behind the façade: pain, loneliness, despair. 
At work, I dealt with some customers.  I was polite to them.  As the couple was walking away, the woman said, loudly, probably for my benefit, "Hi.  How are you?"  I think she was criticizing me for not saying "How are you?" to them.  I don't like it when cashiers ask me how I am, because I know they don't care.  Why would you want someone who doesn't know you, and doesn't care about you, to ask you how you are?  I don't understand it.  This woman, who I think is a piece of fucking shit, must like all that fake shit.  She must like living a fake and phony life.  I pity her.
Biological parenthood is where the most smiles and lies come from.  Bring a little baby into this fucked-up world to cheer your selfish ass up.  Smile at your cute little baby as you ignore all the pain, shit, and misery that person will have to go through as a result of your pathetic unprotected sex.  Lie to yourself that you haven't done a very cruel thing by subjecting your child to all the shit that life has to offer.
I'm so tired.  I'm in such pain.  It's only going to get worse.

Angel and Devil

I sort of feel as though I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders, which many of us have seen on TV and in the movies.  I'm trying to quit drinking, but I'm faltering.  It's difficult.  I've been sober for 8 days now.  When it comes to a list of pros and cons, not drinking slaughters drinking.  Drinking led to me being arrested for the first time, which was not a pleasant experience.  Alcohol is a depressant.  People with depression, like me, shouldn't drink it.  I've done stupid things while drunk.  I've gotten bruised.  I've lost my phone.  There are plenty of reasons to not drink.  However, there are some items on the "pros" list.  Drinking gives me more endurance to sit at the computer and write.  There is a long history of writers who drink.  I've definitely been writing less during this week of sobriety.  Drinking is also sort of fun, however, it does not make me happy.  I'm sure of that. 
I have the day off tomorrow.  If I'm smart, I'll go to a local mental health center and make an appointment to get some help, because my depression and OCD have gone untreated for a while now.  If I'm stupid, I wont go.  Instead, I'll go to the liquor store, which I believe are evil places, no matter how many times I've visited one.  Alcohol was the reason why I didn't get help the last time I sought it.  I talked to a counselor who asked me about drinking; I told her about it, and she recommended treatment for it.  As a result, I stopped seeing her after one visit.  I chose alcohol over getting help for my mental health issues, which, obviously, isn't smart.  That's been the most annoying thing about getting help; they want you to stop drinking.
I can't help wondering if it isn't just better to end up like Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix, or Amy Winehouse, who, I found out it a documentary, apparently found sobriety to be boring.  Drink till you die.  What is there to live for?  Pain?  Shit?  Misery?