Email to My Mother

my mother: "Have you called any of the tel #s I gave you? Please keep in touch."

me: i haven't. i'm taking antidepressants now, they're not helping, & i've taken a few different kinds & none have worked. therapy hasn't worked either. i hate life. i hate pissing, shitting, wiping my ass, shit jobs I hate, cleaning, laundry, shopping, & all these other things i hate doing. i hate my chronic pain, aging, that i've lost my looks & i can look forward to getting older, uglier, weaker, & more pain

Date Chat (continued)

 

her (in quotes): "The world has good things in it too. How about music and art?"

me (not): i know it does. But it's little consultation for many. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death. I love music, but i can be quite miserable while listening to it. life is hard. life is pain. so why are there 7.7 billion of us? those are the 2 most backward things about society to me. it's socially acceptable to perpetrate/support animal cruelty & bring people into a very messed-up world, & that most people do these things. belief in god as well, but that's a distant 3rd for me. the 1st 2 bother me everyday: multiple times a day. I also think it's stupid & dangerous to ride motorcycles in traffic & climb mountains like Everest. I think it's stupid to get tattoos

"Tell me about the daily sacrifices that you make for the sake of animals."

That seems confrontational. when you DON"T eat whatever you want, EVERYDAY, when you refuse to support animal cruelty, that is a sacrifice. i get the message out on Twitter. i receive emails asking me to take action, sign petitions, contact elected reps & i do. i spent a lot of time & effort writing an "animal liberation" book https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ZSHNT5I & if you are judging me, i'll remind you what i said about not caring at all what people think about me. after all, i did not ask for this existence. my parents forced it on me, which i've never done to someone

"I didn't mean to be confrontational. I'm wondering what you could do that would be a sacrifise. Those things that mention are things that you do, but they don't seem like a sacrifice. I think of sacrifice as you giving up something for their benefit. Does that mean that you really love eating meat and not eating it is a sacrifice for you? I was vegan for many years and I didn't ever consider it to be a sacrifice."

if i didn't care about animals, i'd be eating bacon cheeseburgers. i don't like veggies. it is a sacrifice. doesn't everyone like pizza? i haven't bought it since 2002

"I didn't eat any of that stuff for about 15 years and it was no big deal."

i guess it was because you went back to eating it

"There are soilders who fall on bombs to save their comrades. There was a mass shooting in New Zealand recently and an unarmed student rushed the shooter to let others get away. Those are sacrifices. Not eating a burger is nothing."

is that how you want your son/daughter to go out? wonderful world you brought them into, right? all these mass shootings, terrorist attacks, tons of other assorted violence, &, of course, nasty, judgmental people

"My son sitting here reading this with me tells me that he is very happy to be alive."

will he be when he's 85 & a weak (body & mind), pain-ridden mess?
(no reply as of posting)

I'm a Mess

It's true.  I'm a mess.  I don't fit into this world.  I'm not the normal person, and I don't want to be.  The normal person gets married, brings children into this wicked world, and aspires to have the best landscaping on their block.  And, of course, they want to have more money than anyone they know.  I must be crazy, I think the life of one mouse is worth more than all the money in the world, and I stand by that sentiment.
By the way, I was sure about it, and now I'm super-sure about it.  It is cruel for people to bring people and animals into this world.  This is why.  Animals bring other animals into the world, and that's fine.  They are just following natural instincts and urges.  It's completely possible that no animal has ever made the connection between sex and procreation.  They have sex because they are driven to do so.  But humans know what life has to offer on this planet: pain, depression, suicide, bullying, sickness, disease, suffering, paralysis, loss of limbs, rape, pedophilia, war, murder, violence, incest, torture, terrorism, loss of loved ones, deterioration of mind and body due to aging, and death.  But even though we're aware of all this misery, most of us choose to bring people into the world.  I've never brought anyone into the world, and I'll never want to.  Just because it's been done to me, that doesn't make it okay for me to do it to someone else.  I suppose that's what a lot of biological parents are thinking.  "It's good enough for me, so it's good enough for you."     
I can't believe I forgot to post last week.  It was shocking for me to realize that.  I blame being a mess and drinking on that.
I survive mostly for the sake of others.  I am ready to die.  I think life sucks; it's a lot more unhappiness than happiness.  But I try to survive, because I want to help animals, many of whom are living in a hell that's much worse than mine.  I also want to convince people to not bring other people and animals into this world of pain, misery, and violence.  So I have a reason to live, but how much pain can I endure?