Smartphone

 
If you have a smartphone, and you're looking at it all the freaking time, here's what you need to do.  First, give me your digits.  Then put it on vibrate and slide it up your backside.  Then I'll call you, and you'll receive a special treat. 

Family Snapshot

 
"Family Snapshot" by Peter Gabriel

The streets are lined with camera crews
Everywhere he goes is news
Today is different
Today is not the same
Today I make the action
Take snapshot into the light, snapshot into the light
I'm shooting into the light

Four miles down the cavalcade moves on
Driving into the sun
If I worked it out right
They won't see me or the gun

Two miles to go, they're clearing the road
The cheering has really begun
I've got my radio
I can hear what's going on

I've been waiting for this
I have been waiting for this
All you people in TV land
I will wake up your empty shells
Peak-time viewing blown in a flash
As I burn into your memory cells
'Cos I'm alive

They're coming 'round the corner with the bikers at the front
I'm wiping the sweat from my eyes
-It's a matter of time
-It's a matter of will
And the governor's car is not far behind
He's not the one I've got in mind
'Cos there he is-the man of the hour, standing in the limousine
"I don't really hate you
-I don't care what you do
We were made for each other
-Me and you
I want to be somebody
-You were like that too
If you don't get given you learn to take
And I will take you."

Holding my breath
Release the catch
And I let the bullet fly

All turned quiet-I have been here before
Lonely boy hiding behind the front door
Friends have all gone home
There's my toy gun on the floor
Come back Mum and Dad
You're growing apart
You know that I'm growing up sad
I need some attention
I shoot into the light

You Like Me

You like me.

Adam Ant

Adam Ant

 "Strip" (Adam Ant song)

It's at times like this the great heaven knows
That we wish we had not so many clothes
So let's loosen up with a playful tease
Like all lovers did through the centuries

We're just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
We're just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
Uh-huh-huh

When it gets so hot, the end of the day
You may find your clothes getting in the way
If a pretty dress hides your true desire
Fold it nice and slow, throw it on the fire

We're just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
We're just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
Uh-huh-huh

We don't need to see what the butler saw
Or a mirrored room with a mirrored floor
All those sneaky looks gazing down on you
Are no substitute for our rendezvous

We're just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
We're just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
Uh-huh-huh

It's at times like this the great heaven knows
That we wish we had not so many clothes
So let's loosen up with a playful tease
Like all lovers did through the centuries

If you think it's cheap or a bit risqué
Please don't say a word I'll just slip away
I am not a man who believes in lies
Like an octopus with big x-ray eyes

Don't freeze up girl, you're looking quite a sight
Be generous, I want it all tonight!

We're just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
We're just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?

Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker

Resumé

By Dorothy Parker

Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren’t lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live.

GG Allin

GG Allin

If you don't know who GG Allin is, you should.  He is a hero of mine.  Human society is a joke.  Rich people stay rich.  Poor people clean their mansions and serve them in every other way.  GG Allin was a real rock and roller.  He criticized singers who tried to sound tough when they sang, and he had every right to.  Rock and roll is supposed to be dangerous.  GG Allin never forgot that; he lived it.  I used to work with a young guy who liked punk rock, which is the genre that Allin is mostly associated with.  I told him about Allin, and he wasn't impressed, which surprised and disappointed me.
GG Allin is known for his insane performances.  He might beat himself bloody.  He might start a fistfight with one or more of the audience members.  He was known to poop onstage.  He was known to throw his poop at the audience.  I'm not sure, but he may have even eaten his poop onstage.  Google GG Allin and find out about him.  He was a true original.  I also recommend the documentary Hated, which is about him, and it is great.   

I've Been to Uranus!

Take me to Uranus, and let me play among the stars.

Once again, thanks to Bumpkin, and adult diapers, I did not soil my car seat as we traveled to Uranus.  We don't need the car.  I don't start it up or anything.  It's all under Bumpkin's control, and she essentially teleported my car, her, Sloopy, Lucinda (Bumpkin's sisters), and I to Uranus.  I checked my watch, it took 42 seconds for us to travel to Uranus.
Uranus is a barren, godforsaken planet.  There was no sign of life.  It was freakin cold until Bumpkin turned up the heat in the temporary life-supporting bubble that she creates for us every time we travel through space.
"Ah, Bumpkin, could you change me?"
"Look buster, I told you.  I've changed you for the last time.  The adult diapers were my brilliant idea.  After that, I hereby retired from changing your poopy drawers. "
"I know, but it would be so easy with your powers."
"You've got 2 hands, buster.  Change yourself," Bumpkin suggested.
"Yes, ma'am.  Where's the diaper bag?"
"You didn't bring it?"
"No, Miss Bumpkin."
"Well, I didn't bring it.  It's not my responsibility; it's yours."
"Oh great.  I guess I can't change now."
"You got no one to blame but yourself.  Hey!  Sloopy!  Lucinda!  He pooped in his pants, and he forgot his diaper bag!"  Bumpkin said.
Sloopy and Lucinda laughed hard and loudly.  Soon, all 3 groundhog sisters were rolling around, their little bodies racked with laughter, on the surface of Uranus.
Bumpkin stopped laughing long enough to say, "Didn't you have that big-ass burrito yesterday?"
"Yes," I had to admit.
Now the sisters were convulsed with laughter.  I don't care that I'm the butt (no pun intended) of the joke.  I just love hearing my girls laugh: on Uranus to boot. 
We explored Uranus.  Bumpkin took some geological samples that she intended to test.  Who knows?  Perhaps Bumpkin will build a colony for animals or humans on Uranus.  She has so much power and imagination.  She's capable of fixing nearly every imaginable, and conceivable, problem.  I'm so lucky to have her as a friend.  I just wish she'd change me and remember to bring the diaper bag.