Plans

no explanation: except for the obvious: insanity

I've been meaning to do this for a while. I've tweeted that I can't do my job anymore, and it's true. it's so incredibly boring and repetitive. Not only do I see the same coworkers, but the same customers as well. I hate seeing those faces. I need a change.
Today, I sat on the counter while I had no customers in my fucking face, and a coworker said there was an email about sitting on counters and reading. Before I left, I briefly looked for that email, but didn't find it. I was, after all, wanting to get the fuck out of there ASAP as I always am when the day is finally over. I'll look for it tomorrow night when I'll have plenty of time.
I have no reason to doubt the email was sent. It seems like it's targeting me specifically. I sit on the counter, and I read when I get a chance to. What does the typical person do when they get a chance? They stare at their fucking phones. They text, surf the web, etc. Not me. I recently finally bought a smartphone, because the phone I had died. But I only have an inexpensive talk plan on it: no text and no Internet. I began sitting on the counter, because I have a lot of pain in my feet and legs, and standing all day doesn't help. I suppose I should probably tell them that. Maybe I should also tell them I have depression and OCD, and maybe that's why they think I'm a miserable "asshole."
So now I'm thinking compromise. I won't stop reading when I get a chance: no fucking way.  Seems like, all of a sudden, the store manager has a problem with it. The assistant store managers don't.  So maybe I'll just do what I used to do: lean on the counter.  But if the pain is too great, then I'll go back to sitting on the counter (There are 2, so I'm facing the 1 I'm using.).
There's the possibility of applying for another job in the store. Instead of being a cashier, I'd work in a department (If they'd hire me. I applied for a head cashier job, which I was def qualified for, & I didn't even get an interview: just an email saying "no thanks."). But then I wouldn't be able to stand on the anti-fatigue mats I stand on most of the time; I'd be walking on the concrete floor.  As I mentioned, I already have a lot of pain in my feet and legs. So I think I have to leave. God, I hate looking for a job; I really despise it. And I'm "unskilled," so my chances of getting a good job, that I like, are slim to none. What if I got a job where I have to sit all day? That's probably, in the long run, worse than standing all day. It's not good to bend your spine too much. It seems like we were meant to be "straight:" standing or lying down.
I feel best outside. I've thought about living in the wilderness. But the reality is I'm addicted to living in society with it's comforts (That we pay so dearly for.).  It's not realistic.
So, once again, death. I've contemplated suicide. I've threatened to do it. I've attempted to do it.  Living is pain. It's suffering.
Maybe I'll quit my job and do some traveling. I'll make sure to pack the nylon rope I bought to hang myself about 10 years ago. I don't know how long the trip would last. Being on the road by myself seems lonely, and, from what I remember, it is. I don't like driving at all; the intelligent, sensitive person is stressed out by it, because it's so dangerous. 
So all signs point to death. Even when I'm not working, I'm miserable. Work just takes it to another level.  

Antinatalism

It's been a while. As I've mentioned previously, I've been more active on Twitter, & the account is here: https://twitter.com/TheBaldVegan In fact, I've been sort of addicted to the instant gratification one can get from posting there.
It was there that I recently discovered the word "antinatalism." This is from Wikipedia:
"Antinatalism is a philosophical position that assigns a negative value to birth. Antinatalists argue that people should refrain from procreation because it is immoral. In scholarly and in literary writings, various ethical foundations have been adduced for antinatalism.  Some of the earliest surviving formulations of the idea that it would be better not to have been born come from ancient Greece.  The term "antinatalism" is in opposition to the term "natalism" or "pro-natalism", and was used probably for the first time as the name of the position by Théophile de Giraud (born 1968) in his book L'art de guillotiner les procréateurs: Manifeste anti-nataliste."
So those who know me from here know that I am an antinatalist.  It turns out that there are quite a few people like me. I didn't know that.  It seemed like I was surrounded by breeders.  Of course I am, but there is a whole community of people who, like me, think it's cruel to bring someone into this world of pain, fear, misery, violence, suffering, addiction, depression, suicide, death, disease, disabilities, hostility, stupidity, frustration, etc.
I'm still not working on my next book. I have no hope that anyone will have any interest in it, so it seems like a waste of time.  

Broken Links

My father is a broken link.  He hasn't been a father to me.  He left my mother and I when I was 2 years old.  He didn't teach me how to use tools, how to build stuff, how to fix things, how to throw a baseball, how to throw a football, how to fight, how to be a man; though he couldn't teach me how to be a man, because he isn't a man, and he never will be.  I've complained more about my mother here than my father.  The reason is that my mother attempts to be in my life.  She repeatedly reminds me of her and how she brought me into this world of pain, misery, and death.  I haven't heard from my father since I was a teen (a long time ago).  Did he ever care about me?  And, if so, then for how long?  Certainly not long.  No, I am just the physical manifestation of a big mistake he made. 
I work in a national hardware store, which is sort of ironic, because I know so little about building and fixing stuff.  I suppose that is why I have remained a cashier, even though I could conceivably transfer to another area in the store.  I've heard about how customers react when they feel as though my coworkers don't know enough about the areas they are covering.  So it's strange to be surrounded by all these people who build and fix stuff regularly; for lots of them, that's what their job entails. 
I mentioned the regular customer, who I thought was a nice guy, and he is, but he likes to brag about his money.  He told me a little story, in which he mentioned his $150,000 car.  Doesn't he realize that, as a cashier, I can't afford a car like that?  Does he enjoy rubbing his money into the faces of those who don't have as much as he does?  Bragging about money is like school on Sunday: no class.  How did he learn how to use tools and build and fix stuff?  Perhaps from his father.  So you see the difference between a boy whose father taught him things and a boy whose father taught him nearly nothing.
In fact, the more I talk to customers at work, the more likely they are to start bragging about their money.  Money is what matters more than anything in this shitty society.  It is why animals are treated so horribly.  It is all too common for them to not get the medical care they need, because that would cost money, so, as a result, they suffer.  It is also why animals like pigs and chickens are crammed into small spaces, many of them not getting enough space to walk at all; it's cost-effective.   
So, as a result of not knowing how to build and fix stuff, the thought of being a homeowner is a daunting one.  Therefore, for the foreseeable future, I don't se myself buying a house (not that I could afford one anyway), so I'll continue to live in apartments, and hearing my neighbors will continue to make me miserable.          

Are You Proud of Yourself?!

You knew it!  You knew this was a dangerous, violent world!  And if you didn't, then you're a fucking moron!  But you wanted a cute lil' baby waby (cootchie, cootchie!) any damn way!  So you brought (at least) one into this fucked-up world of pain, misery, and death!  And now it's too fucking late, but take a good look around and see what a shitty world it is!
Terrorist attacks all over the world!  Oh, there's another terrorist attack.  Another one?  Yeah, another one.  Oh, it's so sad.  Yes, it is.
Mass shootings!  In America, it's a fucked-up joke!  Oh, another one?  No one should be surprised anymore.  Piece of shit Trump had the fucking nerve to say that it's not a gun issue!  Of course it's a gun issue!  If there's one mass shooting after another, and they're not using fucking sling shots, or crossbows, then it's a gun issue!  If it 's not a gun issue, then why isn't it happening to this degree (not even close) in countries where it's much harder to get guns?  See my post about how "You can't protect them."  You can't protect your kids from this fucked-up world.  The scumbag politicians won't do anything (or they won't do enough) to stop this sort of shit, because they love the money they get from the NRA, and they don't want to lose gun enthusiasts' votes.  So the shootings will continue to happen, and they'll just fucking shrug and basically say, "What can you do?"  You can do something about guns for a change, for fuck's sake!  There's way too many of them in America!  The governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, had the balls to pass legislation against certain types of guns, and assholes responded by putting bumper stickers on their cars that said "fuck Cuomo," which was written with assault rifles: fucking morons!  And, as I've already pointed out, life is too shitty in this society.  People will get depressed and angry, and instead of trying to deal with it in an intelligent way, they will just say "fuck it," grab a gun(s) and start shooting.
The gun is an evil invention.  It is all about injuring and killing.  That's what they do.  I hate them.  I hate them, not only because they injure and kill people, but because the do it to animals too.         

Kill Me, Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want you to kill me, mom!  I, of course, don't mean you personally.  You can't do anything right!  You can't even screw in a lightbulb without quitting and asking someone else to do it!  Pathetic!  Maybe that's all part of the reason why I'm a fucking mess that's praying for death!  I want you to find whatever doctor replaced Dr. Kevorkian, and get him or her to do it!  I already tried to hang myself, and I failed!  I'm worried that if I jump, I'll survive!  And then I'd really be fucked (with every bone in my body broken)!  No, I want to die, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  You brought me into this world to suffer, and now I want you to take me out of it!  I'm sure I've had enough!  Do it!       

You Can't Protect Them

I write this as, once again, the tears are welling up in my eyes.  Once you've brought a baby into this world, it's too late.  You can't protect them from all the evils, and the shit, of this world.  You can't protect them from pain, loneliness, sadness, frustration, disappointment, bullies, child molesters, rapists, murderers, terrorists, disabilities, autism, OCD, depression, suicide, cancer, AIDS, etc..  I could go on and on.  You can't protect them from the feeling of "I should be doing this or that, I should have done this or that."  Only death brings relief from the pain, and misery, of life.        

Better Off Dead

I've contemplated my situation and realized I'm better off dead.  My life is a bad deal.  I get up and take a shit and wipe my ass, which I hate doing passionately.  I have to do this at least a few times everyday.  I also hate having to piss, which I have to do more than several times a day.  Afterward, my penis always leaks piss into my underwear; every single day is disgusting.  It's guaranteed. 
I've mentioned the pain I'm in; it's chronic, and it hurts.
I hate my job; it's very repetitive and boring; it's a soul squasher.  All I've had are menial jobs.  That's where I'm stuck.  When I've tried to get a better one, they have said, "no."  They say America is a free country, but not if you have to work.  You're a slave to the money you need to live in a society that's not worth living in anyway.
I hate people.  There are a small amount of coworkers I get along with, but they eat meat, which means they unnecessarily support animal cruelty. 
I have no friends, girlfriend, or pets.  I love dogs, but the question of whether to get a pet or not is a complicated one, and I have ultimately decided against getting one.  One of the most important reason is I need to be free to kill myself.  If I have a pet I can't do that, because, as far as I'm concerned, when you make a commitment to a pet, it's for his or her entire life. 
My shitty neighbors ruin my home life, so there's no escape from the shit, the misery.  As I'm writing this, I'm keeping an eye on the clock, because, as soon as I can, I'm going to have to attempt to do my laundry again.  There's too much fucking competition for the goddamn laundry machines here.  I'm way overdue when it comes to laundry.  I go there, and the machines are inevitably taken.    
I've considered living in the wilderness, but how can I go without showers and toilet paper?  I'm addicted to living in this sick society.  Besides, bugs ruin the wilderness.
Death, as I see it, is an end to pain.
 

Massacre in Vegas

I believe I've written this before, after some other mass shooting or terrorist attack, but the problem could be that life, in our society, sucks.  They're looking for a motive.  Maybe they'll find one.  Maybe he hated life, wanted to die, and wanted to take as many people with him as he could.  Maybe he hated people.  But what should we expect from a world that's been so consistently violent for so long?
I assume that the rest of the world thinks that America's gun laws are a joke, and this is obviously why we have more of these than, I assume, the rest of the world combined.

Things I've Heard

Life sucks.
Life is hard.
Life's a bitch.
Life is pain.
Nobody ever said life is fair.
Stop the world; I want to get off!
"To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
Growing old ain't for sissies. (The horrible implication is obvious.  Getting old means more pain, weakness, vulnerability, deterioration of the body and mind, less independence, possibly being put in a "home."  I went with my ex-girlfriend to the hospital where her mother was spending her last days.  It was horrible: a nightmare.  Frail, desperately lonely elderly people waiting for death.  Impending death was in the air; it was palpable: a horrifying experience.  I had to leave before she did: waiting for her outside in nature: glorious nature, I needed it's natural antidepressant qualities quite badly after that.  This is how life ends for many.  Let that be a grim warning to all you parents out there.  It makes sense that, the shittier the parent, the less your kids are going to want to help you when you need it so badly in your old age.)
"It's the terror of knowing what the world is about, watching some good friends screaming, 'Let me out'" (from "Under Pressure" by David Bowie and Freddy Mercury)
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.  That's the two categories.  The horrible are like terminal cases and blind people, crippled, I don't know how they get through life.  It's amazing to me.  And the miserable is everyone else." (from Annie Hall by Woody Allen)

If these things are known and true, and they are, then why bring others into the world to suffer?
 

Plans

If I'm finally able to kill myself, these are some potential plans.  The first is to bring a bottle of acetaminophen and a water bottle full of antifreeze to a nearby bridge.  I'll find a discreet spot to eat a lot of acetaminophen and wash it down with antifreeze.  Then, knowing that both acetaminophen and antifreeze deaths are extremely painful, I'm hoping that knowledge would give me the courage to jump off the bridge.  I'd be fucked anyway, so I might as well.  It only takes a moment of courage (or insanity) to jump to one's death. 
Another plan has me putting my head on a rail so a train wheel can crush it.  That takes some kind of courage or insanity, though.  Although, again, a toxic diet might help me find the courage or insanity.  There is a place where I walk, along the Eric Canal, that is close to train tracks, and a lot of trains pass by there.
Hanging myself was the first method I thought of.  But I've tried to hang myself before, and it didn't work out.  Success depends on getting the logistics right, or you can end up on your toes, like I did.  However, young children have hanged themselves, and, if they can do it, so can I.

Fuck the Norm!

You buy and eat meat.  Do you ever think that it's wrong to support animal cruelty?  I don't know.  You eat, and talk about, your favorite meat dishes with a smile on your face.  It seems like you don't care about the animals you're eating.  But most people are doing it.  It's the norm.  Fuck the norm!  It's cruel! 
You have brought 4 kids into this world.  Look around.  Watch the news.  Study the history of the world.  This is an extremely violent planet!  It is full of pain, despair, misery, loneliness, disease, depression, suicide, war, terrorism, harassment, bullying, molestation, rape, murder, and death.  But most people have kids.  It's the norm.  Fuck the norm!  It's cruel to bring someone into this world to suffer!
You litter.  You don't recycle.  You don't give a fuck about the environment.  You think it's funny to say things like, "Hey, when it (the Earth) all goes to shit, I'll be dead by then."  You're worthless trash!  Hey, rich fucks, if us poor fucks round these assholes up, will you launch their worthless asses into space?  And, once there, we can just let them float away, to their deaths, with no space suits.  Fuck the norm! 
You believe in god.  You even believe every word of the bible, which is stupid, because it's a ridiculous story: full of crap that doesn't happen in the real world.  You pray for someone, and you're proud of yourself: absurd!  Pray for someone, and you've done NOTHING!  It's so lazy!  It's just a thought.  You're proud of yourself for thinking a nice thought about somebody?  How about getting off your fat ass and DOING something, you lazy, stupid fuck!  But most people (supposedly) believe in god.  It's the norm.  Fuck the norm!  It's fucking stupid!  In thousands of years of human existence, there has been zero proof that god exists! 
To be sung to the tune of "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" (Wang Chung song)-
"Everybody look at your phone, everybody be a mindless drone
Everybody look at your phone, and be a mindless fucking drone
You're a mindless fucking drone, because you're ruled by your phone"
You have a smartphone, and you love it.  Every chance you get, your face is in that phone.  I've seen parents paying more attention to their phones than their young children: plenty of times!  The phones are taking over!  They are ruling their masters, because they are smarter, and superior, to them.  Don't allow a device to hypnotize you!  Get off of Facebook for a bit!  It's mostly garbage!  I reconnected with my aforementioned "frenemy" because of Facebook, and he's a bad influence.  He got me back into drinking and smoking weed.  I was better off without him, and now he's back where he belongs: out of my life!  Here's an idea.  Keep your face in your phone for too long, and people have the right to punch your typical face!  Fuck you!  This culture has turned to shit, because legions of you have your faces in your phones 24/fucking/7!  But most people have their stupid, typical faces in their phones all the fucking time.  It's the norm.  Fuck the norm!!!!!!     

Words

Words are all you have.  The only way in which you make sacrifices are with the words you use.  You have criticized me, plenty of times, for things I have said.  You are a politically correct pussy in that regard.  But you're not consistent.  You utilize a double standard that favors you every time.  One day, you'll yell at me for something I said.  The next, you'll say something that's essentially the same thing, but you said it, and that makes it okay, because you, according to you, are perfect.
It got to the point where, when you would criticize me for something I said, I'd remind you that I haven't spent any money on meat, milk, or eggs since 2002.  I refuse to support the ultra-cruel meat industry, the slaughterhouse.  "That has nothing to do with it," you'd respond.  Oh, but it does.  You say that because you eat meat.  You care much more about yourself than the animals you're eating.  When you buy meat, you're paying people to keep animals in concentration-camp-like conditions.  You're paying them to kill the animals too.  That is much, much, much, much, much worse than anything I can say.  What would you rather deal with?  Someone saying something that you don't like or being put into a concentration camp to suffer until you're murdered?
Then there's another one of my major issues: procreation.  I've never brought someone into this wicked world, but you have.  You have a beautiful young daughter.  You have put photos of her, wearing yoga pants, on Facebook.  Did it ever occur to you that perverts might be drooling over those pictures?  Did it ever occur to you that some of them might stalk her?  I don't care if that's what everybody else is doing; I think it's incredibly stupid.  Now she's off to college.  Have you ever seen the documentary The Hunting Ground?  It's about the huge problem of rape on college campuses.  Have you told her about the date-rape drug, Rohypnol?  She should know about these things. 
I haven't eaten exactly what I want to since 2002.  I've never experienced the joy of holding my own child, because I refuse to bring anyone into this incredibly violent world of pain, misery, and death.  The only sacrifices you make involve not saying certain words.  That's nothing.            

I'd Rather Be Dead

That's my idea of a bumper sticker.  A popular bumper sticker is "I'd rather be fishing."  I wonder if mine could catch on. 
I think death is better than life.  With death, all the shit that bothers you just goes away.  Perhaps anything that brings me closer to death is a good thing.  My neighbors make me want to be dead.  I've had to listen to their too-loud TV coming through the wall for hours today.  They've ruined yet another one of my days off from work.  Shitting and wiping my ass brings me closer to death.  I hate it. 
My neighbors would probably love it if I killed myself.  That's not a very pleasant thought, but it's a real one.  But that's another great thing about death.  You're not even capable of caring what people think about you.  Even if you wanted to, you couldn't.   
I've tried to get help for depression.  I might get strangled by red tape.  I have to wait till 1/1/18 to get healthcare from my job.  I've tried to get it from the gov't's website, but I keep getting stuck at a certain spot, and I'm pretty sure it's their fault, not mine. 
I'm having trouble typing today, so I suppose I'll wrap it up.  I'm having a bad day.  I'm having a bad life.

Ready to Die

I really am ready to die.  Notorious B.I.G. released an album called Ready to Die, and, before long, he was dead.  So, perhaps by titling this likewise, I have sealed my fate.  Death seems to be better than life.  It's easier.  That's what I believe.  There's no pain in death: no suffering.  They just sleep all the time, which sounds great to me. 
I've noticed a pattern.  I get up.  I take a shit and wipe my ass, which makes me hate life.  I hear my shitty neighbors, and, as a result, I hate life.  More shitting and wiping, which makes me hate life even more.  I go to work, which makes me hate life over and over again every time.  Driving makes me hate life too; it's so stressful.  All sorts of shitty things make me hate life.  I suppose I just hate life.
I've mentioned guzzling antifreeze here before.  Before one does anything life that, one should know what the consequences will be.  I Googled that a little, and it seems like a horrible way to die.  My point about that is, if I drink some of it, then, in my mind at least, I'll be fucked, and so I might as well jump or hang, because I've damaged myself (perhaps irrevocably) with the antifreeze (Or should one refer to it as "coolant" if one sips it in the summer?).  

I Tried

I realized I've explored the spectrum of negativity here while I was bored out of my mind at work yesterday.  I came up with a more positive mantra than the one I usually go with (Time is passing; death is closer.), which is "Time is passing; you have paid time off to take."  Despite the soul-crushing boredom, I was trying to feel positive.  Then I shaved my bald head, and some hair fell into my eye, and it was bad.  My eye is tearing up again just thinking about it.  There was pain, discomfort, and worry.  I have no health insurance.  I couldn't go to a hospital without breaking the bank.  And that's life.  Just when it's going okay, something shitty happens. 
That's another "life is."  Life is suffering with hair in your eye, trying to finish cutting your hair, while, as usual, hearing your scumbag neighbors through the wall.  You want to scream at them to give you a break, because you're suffering worse than usual, but you realize they have a right to make their shitty noise; it's not too early or too late.  And screaming at them would probably just make it worse.  And when horrible things happen to you, other people, and animals, the rest of the world just smiles and laughs, because they don't care.  What a cruel, cold place.  

Life of Pain

O, mother and father, why did you condemn me to a life of pain?  That was rhetorical.  I'm living a life of pain, because they had pathetic, unprotected teenage sex.  I hope it was worth it.  Now, as a result, I'm living a miserable life and thinking about suicide.
I previously mentioned that death alone is a great reason to not bring someone into this world.  Here's another: pain.  I'm in pain every waking moment.  Currently, I have pain in my buttocks, legs, feet, hips, back, and soul.  The finest biological parents in the world can't protect their sons and daughters from pain.  And there's tons of it to go around. 
I just want to finish the book I'm working on and put it on Amazon.  Then I'll promote it; I probably won't get the result I want, and then it will be a good time to leave this world.  For me, life is punishment.  It is punishing.  I really don't think I deserve the punishment that's clobbering me on a daily basis.