I'm a Loser

There is no escaping it; I'm a loser.  In fact, my memoir is called American Loser, and it is here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HQSO9RO In America (at least), white males are supposed to be successful.  They aren't discriminated against; women and minorities are.  As I've documented here, it is very difficult to be a loser in this society, where winners are always rubbing it into the faces of losers like me.  Turn on the TV, and you'll see plenty of them: successful TV personalities, actors, athletes, entrepreneurs, etc.
I write eBooks, and nobody cares.  The last one really hurts.  I think it is very funny.  I got the idea to tweet jokes from it: trying to attract attention to it.  No one has bought it.  It's a failure, and so am I.  Lots of people don't want to read.  I use the library a lot.  People very rarely put holds on books; I'm virtually always able to renew them.  People put holds on DVDs, because most humans want them more than books.  And I've read some great books lately.  Though they weren't new.  Maybe I'd have had trouble renewing them if I took them out when they were new.   
I am a loser.  There's no separation.  I'm not reading, or watching, the story of a loser.  I am living that story.  It's not fun.  Much has been written here about what it's like to live the life of a loser: shitty, boring menial jobs, living in apartments instead of houses (and having to hear your neighbors as a result), not having much money, and being alone, because it's harder to attract women.
Lack of money means a lot of things.  It means I'm less likely to treat my depression and OCD with medication, because it is so expensive in this country that has mastered greed.  And, yes, my mental issues are untreated, and it has been that way for far too long.  It also means I'm less likely to have a pet (I don't.), because of the extra cost involved (Pets aren't allowed in my apartment complex anyway; not having a house means less freedom).  And dogs make me happy; I know they do.  It means that my home is depressingly messy, because I hate cleaning.  I'd pay someone to clean it if I could afford to.  There are all sorts of safety features that other people have on their cars.  They are less likely to get into an accident, and they will be protected better than someone like me in the event that they are involved in an accident.  I don't know how much longer I'll be able to live the life of a loser.      
 

Human Society: Great for a Few, Horrible for Many

I've probably touched on this before, but I believe that war, terrorism, and mass shootings are generated by life in human society, which, as the title suggests, is fantastic if you're rich and shitty if you're not.  Our society is fake, false, and unfair.  People that come from stupid, shitty, loser families supposedly have the same chances for success as those who come from intelligent, caring, successful families.  It's a bold-faced lie.
Look at Donald Trump: one of the most vile, stupid, and disgusting examples of an asshole the world has ever seen.  His father lent him $14,000,000.  He owns Manhattan real estate.  If you can afford it, buying Manhattan real estate is a no brainer.  Unless it gets wiped off the face of the map, it will always be worth a lot.    
By contrast, most terrorists probably don't have a pot to piss in.  If you have nothing, your life is shit, and you see that others have everything (especially if they have it unfairly), then you might want to lash out at society.  Likewise, many of these mass shooters are society's losers.  Frequently, it's the loss of a job that will set them off.  Many people who have committed suicide couldn't stand being losers in this society. 

Cheated

This one goes out to everyone who has been cheated out of having intelligent, successful, caring parents, and all the disadvantages they have faced, and continue to face, as a result.  Society is unfair, because the people who have shitty parents have to compete with those who have great parents.  It's no mistake I'm writing this on Father's Day: my least favorite holiday.  Brief recap-I'm the result of a teen pregnancy.  My father left my mother and me when I was 2.  I didn't see him many times after that.  I think he had no interest in seeing me; his mother, my nana, tried to bring us together.  The last time I saw him was about 30 years ago.  I haven't heard from him in over 30 years (I saw him by coincidence.).  My nana, before she died, told me that my father convinced her to change her plans and leave no money to me (to him instead, probably) in her will.
The president of America, most unfortunately, is Trump.  Let's compare him to me a little bit.  He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth; I wasn't.  He had a rich daddy who gave him millions of dollars; the only things I can recall my father giving to me were a shirt and some tools: no money.  His father put him on the fast track to success.  It takes money to make money.  Daddy's money allowed him to be a business owner.  I have a tedious, low-paying job.  I hate cleaning; I really do.  As a result, I don't clean much, and my home is depressingly dusty and crappy.  When, do you think, is the last time Trump did any cleaning in his home?  Has he ever cleaned his home?  Same thing as far as laundry goes too.  Trump can afford the safest car on the market: me-no, so I am more likely to be mangled in a car accident than he is.  Do you think Trump has to hear his asshole neighbors through the wall?  I don't think so.  But I do.   
Some people might call me a whiner.  First of all, fuck them.  I never agreed to live this life; I, like everyone, was forced into it.  I certainly never agreed to be dealt a shitty pair of parents, like I was.  The way children are raised matters.  Parents who are always helping their sons and daughters are much more preferable to parents who never, or seldom, help their sons and daughters. 

Not Such a Bad Day (So Far)

I've decided to file for bankruptcy.  I didn't really have a choice.  I can't pay my expenses and my minimum monthly credit card payments on what I earn.  It occurred to me what a loser I am.  When a local legal aid society said they would represent me for less than most lawyers probably would, it sort of made my day.  Successful people's days are made when they make loads of money.  Today, I got another boost.  The legal society sent lots of papers for me to fill out.  I did as soon as I received them.  I worked a full day, then filled these papers out for at least 4 hours.  With all the questions about what I own, I became a little paranoid.  Are they gonna take my CDs?  Are they gonna take my car?  I called the legal office, and they said I wouldn't lose them. I had a bunch of questions, and I liked the answers to most of them.
Having a job gives me purpose.  I'd still rather be dead than alive, but, in a weird and stupid way, I'd feel guilty about killing myself, because I wouldn't be able to show up for work.  I'd be letting people down (that are depending on me).
Twice now, I've seen shows about people killing others by poisoning them with antifreeze, which I've contemplated doing to myself.  It seems like a gradual process: not a one-day thing.  One of these poisoners said that you can kill someone in 10 days with antifreeze poisoning.  Since I have a job, it seems like a bad idea to do that to myself.  I wouldn't want to get really sick, or fall, at work, cause then I'd probably get rushed to the hospital and maybe get "saved," which would defeat its own purpose.  Apparently, if you get saved from it, you could be left with brain damage.  Life is already hard enough without that.
They tried to deal with the birds-trapped-in-the-store situation I mentioned previously.  After the store closed for the evening, they set up nets.  Then a hawk was released.  The hawk herded the birds into the nets.  That's all I heard about it.  I hope the birds were released: unharmed.  At any rate, once again, there are plenty of birds in the store.  These poor birds are trapped there without water.  It just goes to show how humans dominate and harm animals even when they don't intend to do so.