Bumpkin Likes to Cuddle

My cuddle buddy: Bumpkin

She really does.  Ever since I told Bumpkin I'd read, in an least 2 psychology books, that touching has great therapeutic benefits, she has insisted that I cuddle with her regularly.  That's fine with me.  It's good for me and it's probably good for her too.  Trust me, it's totally innocent and platonic.  Bumpkin's getting into enough rambunctiousness as it is; I can only wonder how she'll act when she's older, like when she's entered groundhog adolescence.
"Give me a massage," she ordered.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  As instructed, I began to rub her tiny feminine groundhog shoulders (upper).
"Oh, yeah," Bumpkin moaned, "that's good."
"I'm glad your enjoying it, Miss Bumpkin."
"How many groundhogs have you massaged before me?"
As much as I love and respect Bumpkin, that was a heck of a stupid question.  "None, Bumpkin.  You're my first."
"It seems to Bumpkin like you've been doing this your whole life.  You are a great masseuse of groundhogs.  No matter where I go, you will be my personal masseuse.  Or, if I find someone better than you, then you will be the personal masseuse of one of my sisters.  And, of course, should you lose one or both of your hands, I will replace you." 
"That's great news ma'am."
"You don't seem to be as excited as I thought you'd be.  Don't you realize how safe you'll be?  Every human who refuses to submit to my whole world rule will be slaughtered.  There will be tons of carnage.  The resulting bloodbath will make the Civil War look like a picnic."
"Wow.  You know about the Civil War?"
"Of course, I've seen quite a bit of the stuff Ken Burns made about it.  It's very informational.  What it's missing completely is the groundhog perspective on the Civil War.  Make a note: I'm going to make a Civil War documentary that explores the groundhog perspective on the war."
"Yes, ma'am."  I pulled the pad out of my pocket in which I wrote down all of her ideas she told me to write down.  I didn't bother to tell her that most groundhogs don't watch or own televisions, because she'd probably launch an effort to get TVs to groundhogs.  Moreover, I'd probably have to lug TVs all over the place, and I don't know how they'll fit in groundhog's holes.  That's why I didn't open that particular can of worms.
 

TV Is a Drug

Don't watch TV; watch this young groundhog!

It really is, and I am a recovering addict.  As a kid, I watched tons of it.  As an adult, I've watched tons of it. When you add cable, it becomes a hard drug.  A TV with digital cable is cocaine.  A TV with digital cable plus a movie channel is crack.  A TV with digital cable plus two movie channels is meth, and so on.  You get the point.  TV, the way I have it now, is like alcohol or marijuana.  I have no cable, so I get only three channels, and one of them is a 24-hour-a-day weather channel.  However, I have a DVD player.  I watch very little television programming, but I might watch anywhere from part of a movie to two movies in any given day.  I certainly don't miss having to pay the monthly charge for cable, which went up every single year. 
TV, like drugs, can be a real time-waster.  I'm pretty sure that Time Warner Cable isn't planning to offer free cable to me, but even if they did, I think I would decline it.  The older I get, the faster time seems to move.  I feel like watching TV is like watching your life pass by.  I want to do more with my life than watch TV.  And it really does get me high.  I turn it on, watch it, and get high on it.  It brings on a certain feeling of relaxation. 
Someone recently said to me that TV gets a bad rap.  I think that's true to a degree.  I think most of the programming is crap, but I have seen some interesting and informative stuff.  Probably the most informative show I ever saw was about the Three Gorges Dam in China.  I learned that many people were displaced by it.  A city was shown, from above, that was eventually going to be entirely underwater because of the dam.  It blew my mind, because it was a real-sized city with tall buildings and everything.  It was hard to imagine.  Of course the buildings would have to be demolished.  You can't have a ship, traveling down the river, crashing into an underwater building.  In fact, some people were paid to demolish buildings in their own town that they were being forced to evacuate: adding insult to injury.  So, as you can see, that was a very informative program.  On the other end is a show like Celebrity Apprentice.  What a piece of crap.  I have to admit, the commercials drew me in.  I gave it a try.  It didn't take long to realize that Trump's main objective was to create drama by getting the participants to criticize each other: garbage.
You're free to watch as much TV as you want to.  Just remember, ultimately, what you're doing is watching a box.