Bumpkin's Chauffeur

This is a recent photo of Lucinda in all her zaftig glory.

That is what I have become.  Why me?  My car is a piece of crap.  Then again, what does Bumpkin know about cars?  Not much.  She's just a young groundhog.  I think she likes it cause it's green, which is also the color of her beloved grass and weeds.
Whoosh!  Once again, I'm hearing the unmistakable sound of a fireball launching from one of Bumpkin's paws.  This time, the target was a seagull.  She must have been well over 100 feet away: no matter.  Bumpkin toasted her.  She fell and landed in a parking lot in front of a CVS store.  Next sound I heard was a police siren.  Bumpkin and I were being pursued.
"What's that noise?" Bumpkin asked me.
"That's the police, Bumpkin.  They're going to want us to pull over."
"What is pull over?"
"That's when the police stop you to give you a ticket or arrest you."
"What are these things?"
"They're not good.  They're punishments."
"Bumpkin knows about punishments."   Right after she said that (telepathically, of course), she fired another fireball from her left paw.  She fired it out the window without even looking.  The fireball found its way to the target: the police cruiser.  It caught fire and soon exploded. 
"Wow!  How did you do that?  You never even looked at it, right?" I asked.
"Once I let it go, it's completely under my control.  I programmed it to hone in on that annoying sound."
"Incredible."
"Yes, it is.  Isn't it?"
A driver suddenly cut us off.  "You damn bozo!" I yelled.  I have a road rage problem.  So, apparently, does Bumpkin.  She wasted no time firebombing the car of the guy who cut us off.  It was right in front of us though.  I frantically tried to avoid the burning mass of metal.  I wasn't going to be able to avoid it.  Amazingly, my car went airborne and jumped over the crispy car.  It landed ever so gingerly onto its wheels again.  It was an incredibly smooth landing.  There was only one possible explanation: Bumpkin.  This is a very powerful groundhog indeed.
"You did that, didn't you?"
"But of course," she responded.
"Incredible."
"I'm very close to mastering all of time and space.  I'm no longer interested in being the county executive or the governor.  I'm ready to rule the world."
From mayor of Rochester to grand supreme ruler of the Earth; perhaps she'll make the biggest leap anyone, either human or groundhog, ever made in this world.  If one read it on a resume, would he or she believe it? 

Let's Fight Bullying

I won't let them bully you Lucinda.

I did it again.  Yesterday, I looked out the window and saw Sloopy eating grass.  I also couldn't help noticing that there were many birds all around her.  I don't know exactly what kind of birds they are.  I've previously referred to them as black birds, but I doubt that's really accurate.  They're not black; they're multicolored, but mostly brown.  It's easier to list what they're not.  They're not crows, ravens, robins, sparrows, cardinals, doves, hawks, falcons, or eagles.  They are aggressive.  They attack each other.  One had something in her beak, and was trying to enjoy it, but the other brown birds kept chasing her wherever she went.
Anyway, because these brown birds were surrounding sweet Sloopy, I decided to watch for a little while.  It didn't take long for one of them to approach Sloppy from behind.  I didn't like the looks of it.  Sure enough, the bird started by pecking her tail.  I was ready to go, but I held off a bit.  I wasn't sure if Sloopy could feel her tail being pecked.  Soon after, the bird pecked her in the butt.  That's it!  "Leave her alone!" I yelled out the open window  Sloopy ran for cover and several birds flew away.  I regret that when I do this, I frighten the groundhogs I'm trying to protect, but at least it puts a temporary end to the bullying.  Until I come up with a better idea, it will have to do.
I was bullied when I was a kid.  It was so bad, that I may never forget it.  I don't remember anyone stepping in to help me.  I would have appreciated it.  This is a violent and cruel world; it always has been.  I encourage you to try to end bullying when you see it.  You'll feel better if you do.  Years ago, I was in Central Park, and I saw some kids throwing rocks at some ducks in a pond.  I wanted to tell them to stop doing it, but I was afraid.  I was thinking that one or more parents of these kids might become irate if I tried to tell their kid what to do.  I regret being a coward in that situation.  There would have been nothing wrong with me telling those kids to stop throwing rocks at the ducks.  They had no business doing that.  The ducks didn't deserve to be attacked like that.  Sometimes, there really is a right and a wrong in a given situation.  The kids were in the wrong, and they needed someone to tell them that.  I was in the wrong for not doing anything about it.  I hate fear.  I'm always trying to overcome it.  "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."  FDR said that, and it's one of the quotes that I agree with the most.
I'm not suggesting becoming a vigilante, like Batman, to fight bullying.  I'm just suggesting that we speak up and stand up for what is right and against what is wrong.  Calmly and politely asking someone to stop bullying an animal or another person would probably get the best result.  Even if it doesn't end the bullying, at least you took a stand and tried to stop something that shouldn't be happening.  At least it probably gave the bully some food for thought.  He or she will probably realize to some degree that he or she can't necessarily bully with impunity.   Of course, if a situation is out of control, and a person or an animal is being beaten mercilessly, and verbal attempts to stop the abuse haven't worked, then the abuser might need to hear a warning.  And if he or she doesn't heed that warning, then it might be time to take action to protect a person or an animal who needs it.  I'd rather be the person that took action than the guy who watched a man stab a woman to death.    

Lucinda

Lucinda as a baby.  What a furball!

I love Lucinda.  She is a beautiful groundhog.  As I mentioned before, she's put on a lot of weight.  But she was even chubby as a baby.  She gets around via the cutest waddle I've ever seen.  She, perhaps due to her heavyweight status, also seems to be the most fearless groundhog I've ever seen.  One of my (human) neighbors left his building while she was grazing just outside of it.  Usually, a groundhog in this situation will run for his or her life: not Lucinda.  She stood her ground while keeping an eye on the human.  Once he walked away, she went back to stuffing her face with grass and weeds.   One day I was walking to my car.  I noticed that Lucinda was standing right next to the sidewalk.  I couldn't believe how close she let me get to her before she started to waddle away.
I put my plan into action.  I saw a bird pecking a groundhog, so I shouted "Leave her alone!" to the bullying bird.  As a result, all the birds in the immediate area took wing, and the groundhog ran for the cover of a nearby bush.  She came out again shortly afterward to graze again.  The birds also returned.  She was pecked by a bird again.  It made me so angry.  "Leave her alone, you goddamn bird!" is what I yelled that time.  Once again, the groundhog ran away.  The plan basically worked.  Both times, it put an end (temporarily) to the bullying.  I suppose I'll do it again if I witness any more of it.  Bullying, whether it's human against human, human against animal, or animal against animal, should be stopped.  By the way, I wouldn't interfere with the natural order of things.  I understand there are predators and prey and they are all a part of the food chain.  I think it's clear that some animals were meant to survive off the flesh of other animals.  The birds don't eat groundhogs, that's a ridiculous thought, they really are pretty much just bullying them.  Not if I see it though.
Birds are crazy though.  I heard a sound, so I went over to whence it came from: a window.  I realized that a sparrow was pecking on the window screen while another one looked on: craziness.  When I walked right up to the window, they both took off.  She made a hole in the screen.  I sure hope no money gets taken out of my security deposit for that.  What the hell was she doing?  Did she want to move into my apartment?  Put a tent on this freaking circus. 

Where's Sheila?

Where have you gone, Sheila?  Please come back.  I miss you.

A few days ago, it occurred to me that I haven't seen Sheila in a while.  I think it's been at least two weeks since I've seen her.  I'm worried about her.  I can think of three possible explanations for her absence.  As I've mentioned before, I've seen her attack her daughters twice.  The girls just keep growing; they're not babies anymore.  Lucinda, in particular, has put on a lot of weight.  I thought Sheila was the chubbiest groundhog I'd ever seen.  I'm pretty sure Lucinda has surpassed her in that department.  Maybe Sheila lashed out at one of her girls and one or more of them fought back and drove her away.  Perhaps, since the girls are growing so quickly, the family hole was no longer large enough to comfortably house all four of them, so Sheila, realizing that she had successfully raised three self-sufficient daughters, left for greener pastures and more space in her living quarters.  Another possibility is that she has died.  I hope that's not the case: unless she wanted to die, but I doubt that she did.  I suppose that groundhogs don't know what death is.  They probably don't know that they're going to die.  I have considered walking over to the family hole and looking inside for her, but I don't think I'll be able to do that.  What if I saw her dead body?  I don't want to see that.  I also might scare the hell out of one or more of the girls if I did that.
As I've mentioned before, I love all animals, and that certainly includes every single groundhog.  They are so cute.  But Sheila will always be my first groundhog love.  She's my first groundhog neighbor.  I saw her outside my windows several times before realizing that she lived in a hole right next to the building I live in.  Then she brought those three babies into my life, for which I will be eternally grateful to her.  Since she attacked her daughters, I suppose she isn't the perfect mother.  However, in fairness to her, I really think that she was trying to toughen them up and teach them to not be too trusting of other groundhogs when outside the safety of the family hole.
I would love to see Sheila come back.  I think that, at this point, it's unlikely.  I've never gone this long without seeing her before: not even close.  Sadly, I feel like I've seen her for the last time.  All I have now are pictures, memories, and wishes for her return.  Wherever she is, I hope she's happy.