Thank Godness for Squirrels and Libraries

Cute Dog

Squirrels and Libraries can save your life.  They can make you so happy.
Today, I fed squirrels.  I had some whole walnuts that I had bought for them.  I saw them out there in the freezing rain.  Their job is to look for food, and they do it 7 days a week: every week.  I distributed several walnuts to my squirrel neighbors today.  At least one of them is very smart.  I came out of my building armed with walnuts.  I saw a squirrel foraging on the grass.  I threw it in front of her.  She saw it immediately and chased and seized it.  That made me laugh.  It gave me a lot of pleasure to help that squirrel.  The fire dept. in Holley, which is near Rochester, NY, had an event last year in which they encouraged people to shoot squirrels.  That disgusted me: especially when I heard that animal rights activists showed up to protest and the hunters goaded them with the bodies of the squirrels they killed.  I knew I couldn't go to that event to protest, because I might have had to beat the shit out of someone who killed a squirrel.
Anyway, the squirrel who grabbed the walnut I tossed to her is smart.  Her back was to me when I threw it to her.  It sailed over her shoulder; then she got it.  However, the next time she saw me, she hopped toward me.  She figured out that I threw that walnut to her, even though she didn't see me do it.  Of course I gave her another walnut.  I had about 8 walnuts, and I distributed all of them to my squirrel neighbors.
I've taken out so many books, movies, and music from libraries that I don't know what I would have done without them.  Good entertainment is very important.  It can save your life.  Sometimes you really need to watch a good comedy and laugh.       

Mind the Gap

Blood of my Blood.

This is a public service announcement: without guitars.  This weekend, my friend and I went to see a stand-up comedian perform at the Comedy Club in Webster, NY, which is a Rochester suburb.  I couldn't believe how loud his mic had been turned up.  I've seen a bunch of comedians there; they have had plenty of impressive talents gracing their stage.  Anyway, this comedian was so loud, that I needed to go to my car to get my earplugs, which I usually bring everywhere with me, because everyone I know plays their music and/or TV too loud for my sensitive ears.  I was running behind the Comedy Club to my car.  I didn't notice a step on the sidewalk.  I tripped over it and landed on my hands and my right knee.   The picture I'm posting with this is of the tissue I used to absorb the blood that came from my hands afterward.  My right hand was worse.  A strawberry-sized piece of skin had been completely removed from my hand as a result of the trip.  The left hand wasn't much better.  The skin had been broken in several places on the palm.
Sure, what I did was stupid.  But I wonder whether it even makes sense for that step to be where it is.  It comes out of nowhere, and I bet it's tripped lots of people.  It's dark back there.  I think they should have an outside light over that step, so people can see it.  Of course we need to watch our steps.  We should look to see exactly where we're stepping and whether it's safe or not.
The baby groundhogs continue to grow.  They really grow too quickly.   For the first time, I stretched my neck so I could get a look at them climbing into their hole in the ground from my bedroom window.  They're great, but the sad part is that new babies means in with the new and out with the old.  Groundhogs can be tough and ornery.  I think the mother always chases away other groundhogs once she's had her babies.  She wants to protect them.  She has the instinct.
I'm worried about me naming one of the babies Sweetpea.  I wonder if this will be another situation where I helped a groundhog get her superpowers.  As was the case with Bumpkin, a perfectly cute groundhog has received a perfectly cute name.  Have I done it again?  Will Sweetpea get superpowers?  Will she be able to fling fireballs from her left paw like Bumpkin can?  Time will tell.
Bumpkin, and her sisters Lucinda and Sloopy, are still in love with the new babies.  Bumpkin has indefinitely postponed her war against humans for control of the world.  She's full of peace and love.  Once again, humans have the luck of the Irish.  If not for the recent births of these 5 babies, she'd be wreaking havoc against them for sure.  

Snow!

Winter wonderland

Nemo dumped a lot of snow on Rochester over the past couple of days.  It's a winter wonderland!  Even better, my guests have never seen snow before.  Bumpkin used her superpowers to levitate herself, so she could look out the window at the falling snow.  Lucinda looked at me and made lots of whiny noises. 
"What does she want, Bumpkin?"
"She wants you to pick her up so she can look out the window."
"It would be my pleasure."  I bent down to pick her up, and she opened her front legs wide with anticipation.  I picked her up and held her close to me.  Lucinda looked out the window and squealed with delight.  I felt something tugging at my left pajama pants' leg.  I looked down and saw Sloopy looking at me with her front legs open wide.
"Bumpkin, I think Sloopy wants to look out of the window too.  Could you give her a boost?"
"But of course."  Just like that, Bumpkin used her powers to levitate Sloopy so she could see the snow.  Sloopy squealed delightedly.
"That's enough looking.  Let's go outside!"  Bumpkin said.  That led to the loudest squeals I ever heard Sloopy and Lucinda emit.  I began to get bundled up for the cold weather.
"I don't have any clothes that would fit you guys, but I do have some extra hats.  You're welcome to wear them."
"We will wear the hats," said Bumpkin.  I got them out and tossed them onto the floor.  Bumpkin chose a black knit hat, Sloopy selected a blue one, and Lucinda grabbed a multi-colored hat.  They put them on.  They looked so cute, but their heads are so much smaller than mine.  The hats covered their entire heads and then some.  Lucinda and Sloopy began to whine, because they couldn't see.  Bumpkin immediately used her powers to make holes in the hats for their eyes and mouths.  Lucinda and Sloopy cheered. 
"Let's go!" said Bumpkin.  I opened the door for them, and my groundhog friends exited the apartment.  It was beautiful outside.  All 3 sisters began to run around in the snow.  I made a snowball and tossed it playfully at Lucinda.  I missed.
"Hey!  What the freak do you think you're doing, buster?  I would think you'd know better by now than to attack one of my sisters!"
"Whoa!  Hold on a second, Bumpkin!  Before you eradicate me with one of your fireballs of destruction, please let me say something."
"I'm listening.  This better be good, buster."
"Sometimes, when it snows, friends throw snowballs at each other.  It's just for fun; it's not attacking."
"OK.  I forgive you."
"Thank you, Miss Bumpkin."  I noticed that many snowballs were rising out of the snow on the ground.  I had a feeling about what was going to happen next.  Sure enough, I was pelted with over 100 snowballs at once.  I was knocked down immediately.  They continued to hit me while I was down.  It was like an avalanche.  I soon was completely covered with snow.  I couldn't breathe.  My life flashed before my eyes. 
When I came to, I was in my bed. 
"Sleeping beauty has awoken," said Bumpkin.  "Here, have some of this."  A mug floated toward me and I grabbed the handle.  The aroma emanating from it was quite familiar to me: hot chocolate.  I took a sip.
"Delicious cocoa, Bumpkin.  Thank you."
"It's the least I could do.  I killed you: by accident.  No harm done though.  Obviously, I brought you back to life."
"Wow.  Thanks for bringing me back to life Bumpkin."
"What are friends for?"

Bumpkin Hit China!

Spring isn't that far away.

Bumpkin has struck her first international blow by striking an area inside the country of China with a long-range, super-sized fireball!  Oh, you won't see it on the news.  After all, the Chinese officials haven't even told their own citizens about it, because the\y have no idea how it happened.
Mistress Bumpkin was watching a documentary about the horrible treatment of animals by people.  She saw that many Chinese citizens had a record of treating animals very poorly.  Once she'd seen enough, she unlocked my door, and opened it with her superpowers.  She did not use her superpowers to hop down the steps; it was so cute.  However, she was on her way to killing more people than she had ever done over the course of a single day.  General Bumpkinismo killed 34 people, and wounded dozens more, with a single fireball, that was launched from my apartment buildings' grounds in Rochester, NY.
Unless she's been practicing behind my back, that's, by far, the largest fireball she's ever flung from her left front paw.
"Wow, Bumpkin," I said.  "I don't know what to say.  The good, ole u s of a is a direct competitor with China.  Yet, you killed a lot of people, which, depending on the people killed, might be a bad thing."
"It is done as my will requested," retorted Bumpkin.  "I'm thinking about hitting Japan next with one of those babies."
"Just not Tokyo, please, Bumpkin.   Also, not Hiroshima or Nagasaki.  It wouldn't be right," I said.
"Don't try to give me a history lesson, buster brown!  I know all about that stuff!  Jeepers!  Look at World War II and the Holocaust.  How could Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini been allowed to do so much damage to the world!  Humans have had their chance.  It's time for the groundhogs to have their shot.  Well, really just me.  I'll have to take on the world's humans by myself, all the other groundhogs can do is give me moral support, which is a good thing to have, especially the support I get from my 2 sisters: Sloopy and Lucinda," said Bumpkin.  "Their support will give me what I need to be victorious against the human folk.  And victorious I shall be, by the hammers of Nutsie and Cleopatra (groundhog gods)," said Bumpkin.
"Wow, Bumpkin," I said.  "Is that the largest fireball you'll ever be able to toss?" I asked.
"No."
Sometimes, she's rather outgoing and articulate, other times, she just says what needs to be said : nothing more.

The Bumpkin Chronicles

Young Bumpkin

It's all about Bumpkin.  It's Bumpkin's world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut.  I took her out shopping in my car.  I held the door open for her, and she hopped in.  Our destination was Rochester's Public Market, which is a pretty good farmers' market a few days a week.  I suggested and sold the idea to Bumpkin.  Most stores have a strict "no rodents" policy.  Bumpkin longs for a day when policies like these will no longer exist, and people will realize that it's wrong to discriminate against rodents: especially those who are as powerful as Bumpkin is.  By the way, don't ever call Bumpkin a rodent, if you do, it'll be the last thing you do.
It was my idea to go on a Tuesday.  Saturday is the day of the week on which the public market is busiest.  I figured the more people are around, the greater the chance someone would kick or step on Bumpkin, which would be the last mistake they would make.   In choosing a Tuesday, I made a mistake.  I just hadn't realized it yet, but I would.
It wasn't hard to find a parking spot at all.  I snagged a good one, which I wouldn't have been able to get on a Saturday.  I was able to cart Bumpkin right up to the displays.  She hopped out and strolled toward the merchandise.  I followed close behind her.
"This is it?" she asked me.
"Yes," I replied.
"This is the great public market?"
I was worried about the tone she was using.  "Yeah, it's a Tuesday.  On Saturdays, there are more vendors."
"Well what the hell are we doing here on a freaking Tuesday?"
Now I was definitely worried.  Bumpkin was clearly angry; bad things happen when Bumpkin gets angry.  "I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I just thought it would be better to come on a Tuesday, because there would be less people walking around who might kick or step on you."
"You mean these people?"  Bumpkin began firing fireballs out of her left paw.  Each found its target of a public market browser.  They were hit in the chest, back, legs, arms, and heads.  You name it, it got hit with Bumpkin's fireballs.  People began to run for their lives.  Bumpkin levitated some watermelons, then cast them with blinding speed toward the runners.  Watermelons smashed into the heads of those who chose to run away.  When she ran out of watermelons, Bumpkin switched to cabbage and whatever else might be a good thing to fling at the moving targets.  It was a bad day at the public market indeed.

Bumpkin the Deceiver

The deceiver herself: Bumpkin

Bumpkin is the penultimate deceiver.  She is young, cute, and furry.  If someone saw her, they might think, How cute, she must have a walnut-sized brain!  I don't care what the size of Bumpkin's brain is, it's good enough to get the job done.  Bumpkin was thinking about making the jump from mayor of Rochester (She slew the one before her.), to ruling the entire Planet Earth and all of its inhabitants.  She has pondered the move some more since then and has decided to settle for county executive of Monroe County for now.  She said she wants to make sure she's ready when she takes on the entire Planet Earth and all of its inhabitants.  This was her original plan, so perhaps her next step will be to take over the governorship of the state of New York and rename it New Bumpkin.  
I had to look up the directions for the county executive's office on Mapquest, which has never really let me down.  As is my custom, in lieu of printing out the directions, I wrote them down in an effort to save money.  Then I was ready to take the new county executive to her new office.  Well there was a formality to take care of.  The current county executive must somehow be removed from office.  It was a short, pleasant drive.  Bumpkin sat quietly and didn't toss any lethal fireballs out of her left front paw.  Shockingly, she didn't ask me very many questions at all.   We arrived at the building.  I held the door open for her, and she walked in.  I had all the address info, but I checked the plaque anyway.
One of the security guys finally noticed Bumpkin.  "Hey, there's no rodents allowed in here!"  Bumpkin never even looked at the man.  As soon as the R-word had been uttered, she fired one of her fireballs out of her left paw, which struck the security guard hard: knocking him backward several feet into the glass doors, which subsequently shattered, which rained broken glass onto the security guard.  Once Bumpkin found out that the word "rodent" put her into a group that rats belonged to, that totally grossed her out and she won't, for a second, tolerate anyone who tries to group her with some hygienically-challenged rats, as the security guy found out the hard way. 
We finally found the county executive's office after Bumpkin efficiently dispatched the rest of the building's security force within a matter of a few seconds.  She didn't even perspire.  I know, because I know what her perspiration smells like.  It smells like dandelions, grass, and other weeds, because that's what she eats.
"This is Bumpkin," I introduced her to the current county executive.  "She intends to be the new county executive, effective immediately, or she will seize control of the office."
"Yeah, that's fine with me.  She's got it.  She's the new county executive.  I think I'll be leaving now."
Clearly, she believed the rumor that the mayor of Rochester had been slayed by a young groundhog named Bumpkin.  She also probably concluded that it wasn't a coincidence.  She didn't want to have her head separated from the rest of her body, not with fireballs, nor at the business ends of Bumpkin's razor-sharp claws.  However, as she was making her way out of the office, Bumpkin fired a little fireball that hit the former county executive on the backside.  It made her jump from surprise and it singed her skirt, but she hadn't been injured.
"What, pray tell, was that for?"
"For being a coward," I translated for her after Bumpkin answered, telepathically, inside my head instantly.
"Gee whiz, you can't win with these freaking groundhogs!  She singed my best skirt; it's history now!"
"You're lucky to be alive!" I yelled at her.  "Have you any idea how many lives she's taken?  Of course not, you're just like anybody else, you haven't yet met the next supreme ruler of the Planet Earth!  Well, you just did, and I suggest you remember her!  Maybe, if you rush fast enough to kiss her ring, or her feet, the next time you see her, and you will see her again, I guarantee it, then it just might save your life!"  And with that, she left.  I walked back into Bumpkin's office.  I couldn't see her.
"Bumpkin?" I asked.
"I'm over here," she said.  I hadn't been able to see her because she was sitting on her new chair at her new desk, which weren't custom-made for a young groundhog county executive.  What a cutie!  Aside from the security guards, who, let's face it, don't really count anyway, she killed no one.  Not the county executive, nor anyone on the way over here.  The ride back would be another story.

Bumpkin Rises

Bumpkin became the new mayor of the city after slaying the previous one.

Just like she said she would (telepathically), Bumpkin has taken over the city of Rochester, NY.  I even gave her a ride to city hall.  I hope I won't be prosecuted for aiding and abetting, but I couldn't help it.  I have clearly become one of her brain-controlled zombies.  I am completely under her control; there's nothing I can do about it.  I walked with her to my car and opened the door for her.  She hopped in, and we were off.  As far as I know, that was Bumpkin's first car ride, which made it pretty annoying for me.  After all, I'm pretty sure she had never left my (her) apartment complex before.
"What's that?" she asked me telepathically when we passed a Rite Aid store.
"That's a Rite Aid store, Bumpkin."
"What is a Rite Aid store?"
"It's where people go to buy things they want or need."
"What does 'buy' mean?"
Of course she wouldn't know what "buy" means.  Bumpkin doesn't buy; she takes.  She has no money (currently), because she has no use for it (yet).  "People go into a store with money, that they worked for, stole, or was given to them, and they trade money for things."
"What is money?"
"It's made of paper or metal, it has different values, and it is used to trade for things that people want."
"What is work?"
I sighed.
"How dare you be rude to me!  You've seen what I can do.  I can end you whenever I want to.  I can also torture you for eternity."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin; I really am.  I don't have any kids, so I'm not used to being asked all these sorts of questions."
"You will tell me everything I want to know, and you will not give me any attitude: end of discussion."
"Yes, ma'am."
"What is ma'am?"
"It is what you call a female that you respect."
"That's more like it.  Now, what is work?"
You get the idea.  As soon as I answered another one of her questions, it was immediately followed by another one.  Even though I was afraid of what would happen once we reached city hall, I couldn't wait to get there.  It was the most annoying car ride I'd ever had, even though it was a short trip.  We finally reached our destination.  "This is it, Bumpkin.  This is city hall."
"Good.  Open this thing for me."
"Yes, ma'am.  It's called a door, by the way."
"Whatever.  Just do it."
"Yes, ma'am."  I opened the door for her and she hopped out.  She promptly flung a fireball from her left front paw that demolished the doors of the building.  Guards, who had been stationed at the metal detector, rushed outside the building to see what caused the destruction.  Bumpkin burnt all of them to a crisp.  Then she scampered into the building.  I followed her.  We approached a guy in a suit who had an expression of shock on his face.  "Excuse me," I said to him, "Could you please tell us where the mayor's office is?"  He told us, so we went directly to it.
"Can I help you?" a woman asked us.  I assume she was the mayor's secretary.  Bumpkin roasted her.  I opened the door to the mayor's office for her.  She sauntered in.
"Just what the hell is going on around here?" the mayor asked.  He looked at Bumpkin.  "Hey, there's no rodents allowed in here!"
"This is Bumpkin," I said.  "She's a groundhog, and she's taking over the city."
"Over my dead body!" he said.
"That's her plan," I replied.  Sure enough, she jumped onto his chest and slashed his throat with her left paw.  She nearly decapitated him.  His blood stained my clothes.  I doubt I'll be able to get these stains out.
"Was he the mayor?" she asked me.
"Yes."
"Good."  Just like that, the city was hers.  I wouldn't want to be the county executive or the governor; that's for sure.  They're next.

Bumpkin the Destroyer

R.I.P. building; you'll be missed

Bumpkin has earned another title. This time it's Bumpkin the Destroyer. She has just begun to test her powers, and today she unleashed them onto a building in my apartment complex. She destroyed it completely with a giant fireball that emanated from one of her paws. She only needed to raise her little paw to reduce an entire building to rubble. The police came. It seems like I was the only witness. I told them what happened. I don't think they believed me. When will they believe me? When it's too late? This is why Bumpkin's body is the perfect container for all those evil powers. Who would suspect a thing? People are so stupid and narrow-minded. I'm sure there's plenty of people who wouldn't believe what I saw, even if they saw it with their own eyes. She's already gotten away with the complete destruction of a building, the impaling of a cute bunny named Flopsy, and vandalism (When she wrote her name on the sidewalk in Flopsy's blood.).
It doesn't matter who I've called, no one has taken me seriously. I even called the Department of Homeland Security. I watch the news; I read the papers; I know what's going on. Bumpkin represents the gravest threat to the security of the United States. Her superpowers are increasing exponentially. Her attacks will continue and they will defy rhyme and reason. She destroys because she can; it's as simple as that. What will she destroy tomorrow? That's what will keep me awake tonight. Perhaps she'll destroy my building while I'm asleep, and I'll never know what hit me. That's just wishful thinking. My greater fear is that she'll turn me into one of her henchmen. It's getting harder and harder to resist the telepathic orders that she gives me on a regular basis. "I don't feel good. Go pick 345 blades of grass and toss them into my hole." No Bumpkin! "Come on, I'm sick: seriously." No Bumpkin, get it yourself! "You bring me that grass ASAP or I will eradicate you with extreme prejudice!" That did it. I picked and brought her the grass. My back is still sore from bending over 345 times. This is madness. Everyone living in this apartment complex is under her dark spell. Soon, the entire city of Rochester, NY will be under her control. Then she'll take Monroe County. Believe it or not, once she has control of the whole state of New York, and she will, she plans to celebrate by renaming it New Bumpkin. I know because I hear her voice in my brain 24/7! Bumpkin, for the love of all that's holy, please release me from your telepathic clutches!