Please Treat Animals Well

Now that's a horse that I would ride.

I was walking near a Wal-Mart.  I noticed a young man addressing a seagull in an impolite way.  If he had taken action against the seagull, I would like to think I would have intervened.  I would have told him to leave the seagull alone.  Or what?  He might have asked.  Or I'll knock your teeth down your throat.  He probably would have been shocked.  He likely would not have believed that a skinny, short, "old" guy would confront him like that.  But no, he just gave a disdainful look to the seagull and walked on. 
I often get offended while watching TV.  While channel surfing today, I came across a hunting program, which, of course, make me sick.  This hunter picked up a dead duck, and said to his buddy, "It landed right at my feet.  It literally hit me in the knee on the way down."  Predictably, his idiot buddy laughed.  I changed the channel in disgust. 
Duck Dynasty, I hear, is an extremely popular TV show.  I don't have cable; I've never seen it.  From what I've read, it's about hillbillies that have gotten rich by helping people kill ducks.  I'm rooting for the ducks: not the hillbillies.  I don't care how long their beards are.  If I was given power of life and death, and was forced to choose who would die, either a duck or one of the Duck Dynasty hillbillies, I would spare the lives of the ducks every time.  I don't care how long their beards are, every single duck in the world is cuter than they are.  F___ those Duck Dynasty ass_____. 
Trust me, it always feels good to treat animals well.  I don't know if I believe in karma, but I do at least sometimes.  If you're going around and dealing out death and violence, then maybe you should expect some to come back in your direction.  Don't you think things would work out better for you if you tried to be good instead of evil?
If you love all the animals, and live your life that way everyday, then I love you.  But it's not enough.  People like us need to try to change the hearts and minds of those who eat meat and don't care about animals beyond their pets.  The animals literally don't have a voice; we must speak up for them.       

Bumpkin's Chauffeur

This is a recent photo of Lucinda in all her zaftig glory.

That is what I have become.  Why me?  My car is a piece of crap.  Then again, what does Bumpkin know about cars?  Not much.  She's just a young groundhog.  I think she likes it cause it's green, which is also the color of her beloved grass and weeds.
Whoosh!  Once again, I'm hearing the unmistakable sound of a fireball launching from one of Bumpkin's paws.  This time, the target was a seagull.  She must have been well over 100 feet away: no matter.  Bumpkin toasted her.  She fell and landed in a parking lot in front of a CVS store.  Next sound I heard was a police siren.  Bumpkin and I were being pursued.
"What's that noise?" Bumpkin asked me.
"That's the police, Bumpkin.  They're going to want us to pull over."
"What is pull over?"
"That's when the police stop you to give you a ticket or arrest you."
"What are these things?"
"They're not good.  They're punishments."
"Bumpkin knows about punishments."   Right after she said that (telepathically, of course), she fired another fireball from her left paw.  She fired it out the window without even looking.  The fireball found its way to the target: the police cruiser.  It caught fire and soon exploded. 
"Wow!  How did you do that?  You never even looked at it, right?" I asked.
"Once I let it go, it's completely under my control.  I programmed it to hone in on that annoying sound."
"Incredible."
"Yes, it is.  Isn't it?"
A driver suddenly cut us off.  "You damn bozo!" I yelled.  I have a road rage problem.  So, apparently, does Bumpkin.  She wasted no time firebombing the car of the guy who cut us off.  It was right in front of us though.  I frantically tried to avoid the burning mass of metal.  I wasn't going to be able to avoid it.  Amazingly, my car went airborne and jumped over the crispy car.  It landed ever so gingerly onto its wheels again.  It was an incredibly smooth landing.  There was only one possible explanation: Bumpkin.  This is a very powerful groundhog indeed.
"You did that, didn't you?"
"But of course," she responded.
"Incredible."
"I'm very close to mastering all of time and space.  I'm no longer interested in being the county executive or the governor.  I'm ready to rule the world."
From mayor of Rochester to grand supreme ruler of the Earth; perhaps she'll make the biggest leap anyone, either human or groundhog, ever made in this world.  If one read it on a resume, would he or she believe it?