Life Is a Pain in the Ass

 
Until death,
Teeth will need to be brushed.
Teeth will need to be flossed.
Hands will need to be washed.
Arms will need to be washed.
Genitals will need to be washed.
Asses will need to be washed.
Feet will need to be washed.
Legs will need to be washed.
Faces will need to be washed.
Bald heads will need to be washed.
Necks will need to be washed.
Armpits will need to be washed.
Sweeping will need to be done.
Dusting will need to be done.
Mopping will need to be done.
Work will need to be done.
Laundry will need to be done.
Suffering will need to be done.
Misery will be experienced.
Pain will be felt.
Bodies will deteriorate with age.
Minds will deteriorate with age.
Loneliness will be experienced.
Sickness will be dealt with.
Diseases will be contracted.
Shoelaces will need to be tied.
Death will be dealt with.
Fingernails will need to be cut.
Toenails will need to be cut.
Hair will need to be washed.
Hair will need to be cut.
Hair will need to be combed.
Windows will need to be opened.
Windows will need to be closed.
Dishes will need to be washed.
Ovens will need to be cleaned.
Batteries will have to be replaced.
Car problems will need to be dealt with.
Warts will need to be dealt with.
STDs will need to be dealt with.
Phones will need to be charged.
Bills will need to be paid.
Presents will need to be bought.
Cards will need to be sent.
Asses will need to be wiped.
Toilets will need to be flushed.
Shopping will need to be done.
Food will need to be eaten.
Food will need to be prepared.
Toilets will need to be cleaned.
Tubs will need to be cleaned.
Garbage must be thrown out.
Grass will need to be cut.
Leaves must be raked.
Bushes will need to be trimmed.
Coffee must be made.
Sunscreen will need to be applied.
Shaving must be done.
Saving must be done.
Lights must be turned on.
Lights must be turned off.
TVs must be turned on.
TVs must be turned off.
Music must be turned on.
Music must be turned off.
Music will need to be turned up.
Music will need to be turned down.
Commuting will need to be done.
Vacuuming will need to be done.
Clothes must be worn.
Clothes must be taken off.
Deodorant must be applied.
Peeing will need to be done.
Pooping will need to be done.
Farting will need to be done.
Bleeding will need to be done.
Zits will need to be popped.

Bumpkin in Space

Bumpkin before she gained her superpowers.

"Bumpkin, I haven't seen you in a while.  Where have you been?" I asked her one fine day.
"In space," was the young female groundhog's reply.
"What?"
"Are your ears clogged up?  Do you want me to try to clear them by flinging fireballs at them from my left paw?"
"No, ma'am.  I heard you.  It was, just for a second, hard to believe what I was hearing (telepathically, of course)."
"Are you calling me a liar?" she asked.  She held up her left paw in a way I'd seen her do before.  It was her usual pre-fireball-firing stance.
"No, ma'am, no ma'am.  I believe everything you've ever said.  You are, by far, the most honest groundhog I've ever met.  I believe that you've been in space.  Please, please, please tell me more."
"That's more like it.  I was looking at the sky Tuesday.  I said, 'what the heck' and took off for space."
"Wow."
"Shut up."
"Sorry."
"Do you want to hear this or not?"
"Yes, please.  I'm sorry: please continue."
"As I was saying, I took off for space.  It is so quiet up there, but there's no grass or weeds, well, I didn't see or smell any anyway.  Do you want to see space?"
"No thank you, Bumpkin.  I'm just fine here on Earth.  I've got enough going on here.  I don't need to travel to other universes and whatnot: got enough irons in the fire here to worry about."
"That's a yes."
In the next moment, I realized that Bumpkin and I were sitting in my car, which promptly began to ascend, straight up, out of the parking lot.  We must have been going hundreds or even thousands of miles an hour.  The wind was blowing my hair around ridiculously.  Well, it would have if I had hair: if I wasn't bald.  I soiled my underpants.
"OMG!  What is that freaking smell?"
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I'm not used to space travel.  I pooped in my pants."
"Darn it!  I can't take you anywhere!"  My pants and underwear were immediately stripped from my body by Bumpkin's will.  They hovered about thirty feet away as Bumpkin tossed a fireball at them.  She incinerated my pants and underwear with that one fireball.  Then I felt something.  Bumpkin was wiping my backside with toilet paper that she summoned from the Earth.  Thankfully, she was doing it with netherworld dark magic as opposed to using her razor-sharp claws.  Also thankfully, if a demon was wiping my butt, at least he or she was invisible to me.  After my derriere was clean, the used toilet paper was jettisoned from the car and Bumpkin toasted it with a fireball.  Then another pair of underwear and pants emerged from Earth and one or more demons dressed me.  I was as clean as a whistle.  That's just before I wet myself.
"Give me a freaking break!" said Bumpkin.  "I'm not changing you anymore today.  You're just going to have to stew in your own juices until it dries up: if it dries up."