Holy Asteroids!

Bumpkin was very young in this one.

"Phooey!" said Bumpkin.  "I'm tired of hearing about all these darn near misses with asteroids or meteors, or whatever the heck they're called!  Since, as usual, no one else is stepping up to do anything about it, I'll have to put in some time!  Who wants to come with me to reduce some asteroids to rubble?"
Sloopy and Lucinda cheered; I did not.
"You're going too, buster," Bumpkin said to me.
"Wow.  All of a sudden: deja vu."
"If all humans are as unappreciative as you are, then you all shall deserve to be slaughtered big time when I finally make my big move.  I'm taking you safely through space; not even Micheal Jordan can do that."
"I am so glad and grateful I've been to the moon, Mars, and Uranus.  I especially liked Uranus."
"I like Uranus too," Bumpkin replied.   We all had a good chuckle.
"I'm just tired of wearing adult diapers and pooping myself during bowel-wrenching space travel."
"Speak for yourself, poopypants.  It doesn't bother my bowels at all."
"With all due respect, Madame Bumpkin, you have very powerful forces protecting you and giving you a multitude of superpowers.  I bet you don't even feel pain."
"What is pain?"
"Something you don't feel.  And you're probably lucky to not feel it; especially since you have rapid automatic self-healing powers. "
"Yes, it's good to be me; for I shall be king of the world soon," said Bumpkin.
"Well, they say that the meek shall inherit the Earth."
"Who the heck says that?"
"People."
"That figures.  Lots of people are dumb."
"I must admit you are correct.  And the fact that you, who's a groundhog, said such a truism is all the more astonishing."
"Carpe diem.  Now, let's go bust up some asteroids!"
This time, we all cheered.  Why not?  It did sound like fun, and I'm sure we'd be safe, but I'm worried I'll poop my pants again.  What the heck?  I'll make it a personal challenge.  My goal is a noble one; I wish to not poop my pants today. 

TO BE CONTINUED...

I've Been to Mars!

Bumpkin got us to Mars in 35 seconds flat.

"Who wants to go to Mars?" is how it started.  Who asked that bold question?  Bumpkin.  Sloopy and Lucinda cheered: I did not.
"You're going too buster," Bumpkin informed me.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  I don't want to give her any more reasons to launch any more fireballs at my backside.  She has toasted my buns.
"You know what to do," Bumpkin said to me.
"Put on an adult diaper."
"Exactly."
"Will do, Mistress Bumpkin."
"Although, this time, we'll be travelling in your car.  My hope is that you won't want to soil the seat of your own car, so maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to hold it in and not poop your pants, for a change, during space travel."
"We shall see my princess."
"And pack some food, Jackamoe."
"Yes ma'am."
When we were all ready, we went downstairs and got into my car.  I've driven Bumpkin around quite a bit, but I think that's the first time I ever had all 3 of the sisters in my car at once.  It might be the first time I ever had Sloopy and Lucinda in my car.  Holy crap!  I better bring some sort of a litter box: even if it's just a temporary one.  I don't know how long it will take us to get to Mars, but knowing Bumpkin, and how her superpowers just keep getting stronger and stronger, it probably won''t take us long.  She pretty much has the power of teleportation, so I estimate my car will be landing in Mars about 42 seconds after the Ford Escort is launched: perhaps sooner, but certainly not later that that.
Yes, I checked my watch, and it took us 35 seconds.   Bumpkin has, as usual, manufactured an environment for us within an invisible bubble that allows us to breath and function as we normally do.  They're right; it is red.  It's definitely red.  It's also dusty and rocky balboa. 
"I want a freaking sandwich," Bumpkin declared.
Why the heck not?  Right now, Lebron James is the toast of the town.  First of all, he's no Michael Jordan, he may be one day, but he certainly isn't yet.  The point is, let's see Lebron safely transport a Ford Escort to Mars from the Earth (obviously) in 35 seconds.
By the way, I didn't poop my pants this time!