Cheated

This one goes out to everyone who has been cheated out of having intelligent, successful, caring parents, and all the disadvantages they have faced, and continue to face, as a result.  Society is unfair, because the people who have shitty parents have to compete with those who have great parents.  It's no mistake I'm writing this on Father's Day: my least favorite holiday.  Brief recap-I'm the result of a teen pregnancy.  My father left my mother and me when I was 2.  I didn't see him many times after that.  I think he had no interest in seeing me; his mother, my nana, tried to bring us together.  The last time I saw him was about 30 years ago.  I haven't heard from him in over 30 years (I saw him by coincidence.).  My nana, before she died, told me that my father convinced her to change her plans and leave no money to me (to him instead, probably) in her will.
The president of America, most unfortunately, is Trump.  Let's compare him to me a little bit.  He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth; I wasn't.  He had a rich daddy who gave him millions of dollars; the only things I can recall my father giving to me were a shirt and some tools: no money.  His father put him on the fast track to success.  It takes money to make money.  Daddy's money allowed him to be a business owner.  I have a tedious, low-paying job.  I hate cleaning; I really do.  As a result, I don't clean much, and my home is depressingly dusty and crappy.  When, do you think, is the last time Trump did any cleaning in his home?  Has he ever cleaned his home?  Same thing as far as laundry goes too.  Trump can afford the safest car on the market: me-no, so I am more likely to be mangled in a car accident than he is.  Do you think Trump has to hear his asshole neighbors through the wall?  I don't think so.  But I do.   
Some people might call me a whiner.  First of all, fuck them.  I never agreed to live this life; I, like everyone, was forced into it.  I certainly never agreed to be dealt a shitty pair of parents, like I was.  The way children are raised matters.  Parents who are always helping their sons and daughters are much more preferable to parents who never, or seldom, help their sons and daughters. 

Not Such a Bad Day (So Far)

I've decided to file for bankruptcy.  I didn't really have a choice.  I can't pay my expenses and my minimum monthly credit card payments on what I earn.  It occurred to me what a loser I am.  When a local legal aid society said they would represent me for less than most lawyers probably would, it sort of made my day.  Successful people's days are made when they make loads of money.  Today, I got another boost.  The legal society sent lots of papers for me to fill out.  I did as soon as I received them.  I worked a full day, then filled these papers out for at least 4 hours.  With all the questions about what I own, I became a little paranoid.  Are they gonna take my CDs?  Are they gonna take my car?  I called the legal office, and they said I wouldn't lose them. I had a bunch of questions, and I liked the answers to most of them.
Having a job gives me purpose.  I'd still rather be dead than alive, but, in a weird and stupid way, I'd feel guilty about killing myself, because I wouldn't be able to show up for work.  I'd be letting people down (that are depending on me).
Twice now, I've seen shows about people killing others by poisoning them with antifreeze, which I've contemplated doing to myself.  It seems like a gradual process: not a one-day thing.  One of these poisoners said that you can kill someone in 10 days with antifreeze poisoning.  Since I have a job, it seems like a bad idea to do that to myself.  I wouldn't want to get really sick, or fall, at work, cause then I'd probably get rushed to the hospital and maybe get "saved," which would defeat its own purpose.  Apparently, if you get saved from it, you could be left with brain damage.  Life is already hard enough without that.
They tried to deal with the birds-trapped-in-the-store situation I mentioned previously.  After the store closed for the evening, they set up nets.  Then a hawk was released.  The hawk herded the birds into the nets.  That's all I heard about it.  I hope the birds were released: unharmed.  At any rate, once again, there are plenty of birds in the store.  These poor birds are trapped there without water.  It just goes to show how humans dominate and harm animals even when they don't intend to do so.       

Human Punching Bag

 
My "friend" has kicked me out of his house twice and attempted to kick me out of his car once (It wasn't moving at the time.).
At work, customers have fucked with me.
My neighbor hates me and tries to bother me  He is full of anger towards me.
I'm not happy at home, at work, or out with my "friend."
Only the threat of incarceration, homelessness, and injury keeps me from lashing out against my tormentors.
This is life.
Life is shit.

Crushing, Killing Debt

 
Currently, my retirement options are a) homelessness and b) suicide.  I have over $23,000 in credit card debt.  I should be like the average human.  I should care much, much more about money than animals.  But I can't.  I just can't.  I care more about animals than money every second of every day.
I was watching a movie that I like the other day called The Boost, which is about drug addiction.  James Woods buys an expensive car, and a dog, for his wife (Sean Young).  I'm relying on my memory, but he essentially said, "A $50,000 car and a $2 mutt-go figure."  That line saddened me immediately and deeply, because, in our society and world, it's true.  I don't agree with that.  I truly believe the life of one mouse is worth more than all the money in the world.  Animals are flesh and blood; money is paper and metal.
But, in our society, money is worth more than life.  That's one of humankind's contributions to this world.  It can safely be said that, in our society, all these items are worth more than the lives of countless animals: smartphones, cars, houses, clothes, shoes, hoverboards, bikes, motorcycles, coffeemakers, toasters, furniture, cutlery, guns, bombs (including nuclear and hydrogen, of course), missiles, chemical and biological weapons, tanks, aircraft carriers, battleships, destroyers, submarines, computers, microwave ovens, stoves, furnaces, real estate, parking lots and garages, refrigerators, radios, stereos, TVs, watches, alcohol, drugs, alarm clocks, and so on.  I could go on and on, but the sad truth is that almost EVERYTHING is worth more to meat eaters than the lives of the animals they eat.  Actions speak louder than words.      

Wham, Bam, NO Thank You, Ma'am!

This is not my car, and it's not that bad.

I'm a good driver.  I take driving very seriously.  I know it's dangerous, and it kills thousands of people every year.  Cars kill animals too.  That's why I try to not speed.  The faster I'm going, the less time I'll have to avoid hitting an animal or another car.  I don't use the phone while driving.  I don't eat while driving.  I wouldn't load a CD into the car stereo while driving.
Regardless, I was involved in a car accident a week ago.  I wasn't speeding.  My car was doing about 30 MPH as I was getting ready to stop at a red light.  Suddenly, a car attempted to make a left turn right in front of my car.  I hit the brakes, but I couldn't stop my car from hitting hers.  What she did was completely irresponsible.  She must not have looked to see if any cars were coming before attempting that turn, or she would have seen mine.  Her excuse was that another driver told her she could make the turn.  That is no excuse.  Another driver tells you that you can make a turn, so that's your cue to put a blindfold on and do it?  The more I think about it, the more angry I become.  Her timing was unbelievable.  It was almost as though she was trying to cause an accident.  She turned right in front of me, and I didn't have time, or distance, to avoid hitting her vehicle.
I hadn't been in an accident since I was a teenager, so I didn't even know exactly what to do.  I knew I needed to get her insurance info, but I wanted the police to be involved.  Someone, in an apartment across the street, said that she saw the accident.  I asked her to call the police.  Amazingly, the other driver started yelling about how she wasn''t trying to flee the scene.
I said to her, "I don't know what you're yelling about." I also said, "This is 100% your fault," to her, and she agreed with me.
I flagged a police officer down.  He wrote up a report.  He had some issue with the other driver, to which she responded, "My lawyer said I was good to go."  After a little while, I was allowed to leave, but she had to stay.  She was in some kind of trouble with the officer.
I had a weird day this week.  I found out that, aside from back pain, a hernia, OCD, and depression, I'm otherwise pretty healthy.  In the same day, I found out my car is a total loss.  The damage doesn't look that bad.  A headlight was smashed.  The left front corner of the car was smashed in.  I can't get the hood up.  I have to squeeze into the car, because the door doesn't open all the way now.  But this woman did at least $3700 in damage to my car, which is more than it's worth.  I've been dealing with the other driver's insurance company, which hasn't been fun.  They just sent me a nasty letter, which pisses me off, because I'm an innocent victim here.  I don't need any of this crap.  They haven't acknowledged it's her fault yet.  Meanwhile, I called my insurance company, and the woman I spoke to immediately said it was obvious it was her fault, because she made a turn when it wasn't safe to do so.  So far, this experience has been another example of how life isn't fair.     

Family

 
There has been much negativity posted here and with good reason.  But this one will be at least partially different.  I've been clear about my opinions when it comes to biological parents.  This is an f-upped world; therefore, it is f-upped to bring someone into it.  That being said, I'm feeling warm and fuzzy toward my mother, my grandma, and my mother's "boyfriend" (He's older than a boy.).
My car died approximately a year ago.  I don't have the money to buy another.  I could have bought one on credit, but I was really just overwhelmed by the thought of it.  Besides, I'm living on credit cards, and I'm constantly going further into debt.  I have resented my parents for bringing me into this world: especially in the way they did-2 kids fooling around and not using protection.  It's far from an ideal situation.  So I was ignoring my mother for a while.  I've ignored her for years.  But she emailed me, asked me how I was, and I honestly told her.  Not too long after, she asked me if I wanted her car.  If I did, she'd buy another one.  I needed help, so I accepted her generous offer.  After some excited waiting, I finally found out that she had bought a used car and was ready to give me her old car.
So I took the bus to New York City.  I took the subway to Queens, which is where my grandma has lived for decades.  I took the elevator to her apartment, and reunited with my mother and my grandma.  They were both kind and generous to me.  My grandma threw money at me.  Then my mother and I went to her house on Long Island.  I was exhausted, so I went to bed early.  The next day, we had a great morning.  We got along very well.  I was so appreciative of what they had done for me.  My mother let me know that grandma had made it all possible by providing her with the money to buy her car, so she could give me her old one.  My mother's boyfriend did some work on the car and told me some things I needed to know about it.
I made the trip back home a couple of days ago.  I hit crazy traffic in NYC (shocker!), but I got home safely, and now I have a car.  I am very thankful toward my grandma, mother, and her boyfriend.  I am understanding why people say family is so important.    

Life Sucks.

Pain

Sure, I have depression and OCD.  But, virtually every day, I come to the conclusion that life sucks.  I wish I had never been born.  I wish I could just die peacefully and painlessly in my sleep tonight.  But I cling to life because I have hope.  Also, as Matthew McConaughey's character said in the very good TV show, True Detective, "I don't have the constitution to commit suicide."  At least I think I don't.  I wish I did.  I'm very torn.  I want to die, and I feel like continuing to live is just more punishment.  But I want to change the world by helping animals and convincing people to not bring people and animals into this world of brutality and misery. 
I can't get a job.  Even McDonald's wouldn't give me an interview after I applied.
I have no energy.  I walk, becasue I feel compelled to exercise, but also because I have to walk to get food and other supplies I need.
I don't have a car.  I live in a place where you need a car.
I'm living off credit cards and going further and further into debt.  This is very stressful.
It's not just me.  Tons of people are living lives they hate.  How many of us are truly living the lives we want to?  Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Paul McCartney, Pete Townsend, Derek Jeter,  and Messi come to mind. 
The good times never last.  You go out with friends, then it winds down and you're alone again.
I'm the result of a teen pregnancy.  My father left when I was 2 years old, so I was raised by a woman in her early 20's.  That's less than ideal.  I'm a mess.  At least I've never brought anyone into this cruel world.   
My pain is both physical and emotional: everyday.  Life is pain.  Life is misery.  This is my experience.  If it isn't yours, you're lucky.
Before you accuse me of being a bitcher or a moaner, do your research.  Suicide is always one of the leading causes of death.  The CDC asked the media to not report suicides, because that just leads to more (copycat) suicides.  I read that, in the U.S., the number of suicides has increased every single year since 1999.       

The Week in Wildlife: Life and Death

Baby Phoebe with mama Veronica

This is the week I realized I have new neighbors: baby groundhogs.  Love those groundhogs: especially the babies.  I had been out, and before going up to my home, I figured I'd take a peek at the groundhog hole that's been right next to my building for at least as long as I've been living here: a few years.  I saw some kids plugging up that hole with debris one day last year.  I told them to stop doing that, then I cleared the stuff out so the groundhogs could use it again.  That, and other incidents, have convinced me that I am my (groundhog) brother's keeper.  So I just wanted to make sure the hole was clear.  I peeked around the corner of the building and saw two baby groundhogs poking their little heads out of the hole and looking at me.  What a great surprise.  There are at least four of them, and they are currently the size of little fur balls.  I've taken some photos, but I need to take as many as I can, because they grow up quickly.   
While I was out walking, I saw a police car.  The cop turned the flashing lights and siren on.  Then he or she put the pedal to the metal.  Unfortunately, a sparrow was crossing the road.  If the cop hadn't been accelerating so rapidly; everything probably would have been fine.  But the police car hit the poor sparrow, which threw her violently into the street.  It was a horrible thing for someone like me (a lover of all animals) to witness, and I had a front row seat.  She flapped her wings some, and she managed to get a little bit off the ground, but, ultimately, she faltered.  Within seconds, she was dead.  On the way back, I noticed that she had been squashed completely: probably by a car's tire. 
Maybe I was meant to see that.  My car died this past fall.  I haven't replaced it yet.  One of the good things about that is not being able to hit an animal with my car.  As far as I know, I've never hit an animal with a car I was driving.  As far as I'm concerned, one of the worst things I could do is hit an animal with a car.  I hate seeing road kill.  It's a real shame how us humans have made life so horrible and dangerous for countless animals.  Maybe I'll be able to afford to live in NYC again one day.  You truly don't need a car there, and that's a great thing.        

Sometimes, it's not easy to be a vegan

 
I got into an argument with my best friend last night.  He is someone who eats meat.  He is also someone who is religious to the point of not wanting to take the Lord's name in vain.  He also doesn't want to hear me doing it.  I believe it's because he has a young daughter and close family members that are devout Christians.  Lately, I'd gotten a little tired of him scolding me for using language he doesn't appreciate hearing.  I couldn't help thinking it's hypocritical for him to get all hot and bothered by people saying words.  Words don't do physical damage.  "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me" does sound childish, but there's a lot of truth to it.
We were in a friend's car, on the way home, when he scolded me for something I said.  I became angry.  I pointed out to him that words are just sounds that fly harmlessly through the air.  However, when he spends money on meat in a store or a restaurant, he is supporting cruelty to animals.  I yelled.  With the exception of disabled people, those who are afflicted with a serious disease, kids, and elders, people who eat meat are either ignorant or selfish.  They're either ignorant of the suffering they're supporting when they buy meat, or, they know about it, and they don't care, which would make them selfish.
He pretty much said he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, to which I said something like "Fine!"  Then there was no more conversation for the duration of the trip.  It was quite an uncomfortable silence among 4 people in a car.  Then we were dropped off at his house.  The initial plan had been for me to sleep over, and he'd drive me home the next day.
But he asked me, "Are you ready?"  I knew he meant ready for the trip home.
I responded "sure."  So he drove me home in complete silence.  It was only broken when we arrived at my apartment complex when I said "thanks" to him before getting out of his car.
I tend to not confront friends and family about eating meat, but this time, I couldn't help myself.  I had thought he was being hypocritical by being so focused on words and not actions: like eating meat and supporting murder and suffering in the animal world.  It finally came out.  Our friendship has survived much.  I hope it will survive this.       

Find the Light in the Darkness

sister baby groundhogs

I'm feeling good today.  Recently, until yesterday, I had been in a pretty deep depression.  A friend of mine likes the movie Yes Man, with Jim Carrey, and so do I.  Say yes.  Say yes to going out, trying new things, etc.  Yesterday, I had very low energy right from the start.  Then I walked for about an hour and did some pushups & crunches.  Then I was feeling exhausted.  I ate something I'm not very used to eating as of late, cashews, and I may have eaten too many.  I wasn't feeling well.  I felt depressed, tired, and a little bit sick to my stomach.
However, my friend had left a message for me earlier in the day about going out to a bar to see a band.  I wanted to go.  I've been too lonely.  If I had a car, things would be different, but I don't.  So I kept that option open.  I was still depressed, tired, and sickly, but I thought maybe going out was what I needed to get out of my funk.  I went.  I had to take the bus.  Some moron messed-up the schedule.  I was standing where the online schedule said I should stand, but the bus went right by me.  I ran after it and caught it at another stop.
I met 2 friends at that bar.  Then we went to one of their houses.  We stayed up late and had a good time.  I slept on a couch.  I woke up and had more good times with my friend (The other had left early.).  We have a lot in common.  He fed me, gave me coffee, and drove me home.  He is a great friend, and I'm lucky to have him as one.  We might go out tonight too.  I hope so.  Friends are important, and I've never had too many.
I continue to eat chick pea salad with green onions, tomatoes, and cucumbers.  I put olive oil and salt on it.  I love it.    

Holy Hell!

Lucinda

Today is the worse of two bad days in a row.  Yesterday, I realized that I lost my cell phone Saturday night.  Then I went for a walk and got bit by a dog.  It was ridiculous.  I was walking past a dog grooming shop.  To my left, I saw two dogs.  One was being walked by a woman, the other by a young girl.  The young girl let go of the leash, the woman yelled, and the dog approached me.  She was a cute small dog, and I love animals, so I was kind of like "hi."  Then the dog sunk her teeth into my right leg.  Holy crap!  I was shocked.  I started running down the street with the dog chasing me.
Unbelievably, the woman yelled to me, "Don't worry; she doesn't bite."
"She already did!" I yelled while running away from the biter.  It, again, was ridiculous.  The woman was trying to get the dog on the loose, Bella, while holding on to the leash of the other dog.  Bella had broken my skin in 4 places, and now I have at least 1 bruise there. 
She kept yelling, "Bella!" but it didn't seem to do any good.
Meanwhile, I became concerned.  This dog was off the leash right next to a busy street.  I was worried that she would get hit by a car.  So I ran into a parking lot: hoping she would follow me.  She did.  I was a little shocked, I was angry, and I decided I'd had enough, so I continued my walk.  Then I started to think about things like rabies.  If an animal, that's infected with rabies, bites you, it can kill you.  So I walked back toward the woman.  She was still yelling Bella's name, and she was still on the loose.  I yelled to her, "Does she have her shots?!"
"Yes" she answered.
So I walked on.  I got to my destination, turned around, and walked toward home again.  I don't have health insurance, but I have been to a free clinic around here.  They will treat you, but they ask for a $10 donation.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to die.  I got the idea to go into the groomer's and see if that woman was there.  If she was, I would ask her for money.  Why should I have to pay to make sure I'm not gonna die from rabies?  I went in there, but I did not see her.  By the way, she didn't even apologize to me.  I did think to write down the phone number of the groomer's, which was on a sign in front of the shop.  When I got home, the first order of business was to call the groomer's and ask if they make sure the dogs have their shots before grooming them.  The nice woman on the end of the phone insisted that they do.  She pretty much put my mind at ease.
Today, I went to pick up my cell phone from where I lost it.  On the way back, my car overheated and started belching smoke.  Then it did what it never did before; it failed to get me to my destination.  I didn't have my AAA card on me, so I walked home (from the highway).  It took me 40 minutes to get home.  I was at home, on the phone with AAA, when someone rang my buzzer.  My first instinct was to ignore it.  Then I thought, what if it has something to do with my car?  Sure enough, a NY state trooper was at the door.  He asked if my car broke down.  I said yes, and that I'm trying to deal with it.  Then he let me know it had already been towed.  It turned out to be $150.  It would have cost nothing, or a little more than nothing, if AAA had towed it.  I called a nearby garage and told them what happened.  The mechanic on the phone seemed to think it might be an expensive problem.  I asked the towing company to tow it to this garage.  This has been a pretty difficult 2-day period.          

A Trip to the Zoo

Baby groundhog: spring 2013.

"We're going to the zoo today," Bumpkin announced.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight; I did not.  "You're going too, buster," Bumpkin said to me.
"Okay," I said.  "I don't like zoos, but I know you don't like them either.  So I have a feeling that you have a plan in mind."
"You better believe it, buster," Bumpkin replied.
So I opened the car doors for my groundhog friends, and they clambered into the car.  "Who's driving?  You or I?" I asked Bumpkin.
"You," she replied.
That made sense.  We live quite close to the Seneca Park Zoo.  We were off.  Bumpkin used her powers to roll the passenger-side window down all the way.  It wasn't very warm out, so I was a little worried about what she had in mind.  Sure enough, she wasted no time in launching one of her fireballs out the open window.  I heard the explosion and looked toward it.  She had completely destroyed a steak house.  I just kept driving.  Phoosh!  Another fireball left the car.  This one hit a restaurant.  Again, it was leveled.
"You don't like restaurants very much today, do you Bumpkin?"
"I wouldn't have destroyed them if they were vegan restaurants, but any restaurant that serves animal meat must be vanquished.  So many humans are just fine with the mass murder of animals for food and other reasons.  Those days are over.  Any human who eats animal meat needs to stop immediately or take a dirt nap.  Humans don't need to eat meat.  They do it out of selfishness.  They don't care about the animals that they're eating; that's for sure."
We finally made it to the zoo.  There was a line of cars waiting to get in to the parking lot.  My car suddenly went airborne, courtesy of Bumpkin no doubt, and soared over all the other cars.  She set us down gently in the middle of the zoo; then she got out of the car.  She left the ground and began to fly.  Whenever she passed an animal, she used her powers to open the cage.  Once the animal left the cage, he or she levitated and flew away.  Lions, seals, rhinos, tigers-they were all freed, and they all flew off in different directions. It didn't take her long to free every single animal in the zoo.  She returned to the car.
"That was very nice of you to free those animals, Bumpkin.  Where did they go?"
"I sent all of them to their natural habitats; where they belong."
"Good intentions, Bumpkin, good intentions.  But these animals are used to being fed by people, they might have a lot of trouble dealing with their new surroudings."
"As usual, I'm way ahead of you buster.  I've already sent instructions, telepathically, to animals that are living freely in the areas where these will be sent.  These free animals will take these newly liberated animals under their wings and take good care of them.
"Amazing, Bumpkin, just amazing.  Is there anything you can't do?"
"No." 

Once again, I tried to post a picture with this, but the system wouldn't let me.

Let's Go to the Beach: Part Deux

It's Rusty (Lucinda's son) and Daisy (Bumpkin's daughter).

I opened the car doors and flipped the levers so the front seats would move forward and allow my groundhog friends, Sloopy and Lucinda, to climb into the car and onto the back seat.  Bumpkin sat up front with me.
"All right.  I guess we're ready to go to the beach!" I said.
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with excitement, and we were off.  I couldn't help noticing that Bumpkin had used her superpowers to open the car's passenger-side window all the way.  I was hoping that she did that for the fresh air.  However, she raised her front left paw and launched several fireballs from it, in rapid-fire succession, that slipped right out the window she had opened.  Boom!  One of the fireballs hit a gas station, which caused a massive explosion.  Sloopy and Lucinda loved it.  She also destroyed some cars, and more buildings, with the first fusillade of the day.  Her actions surprised me, but I said nothing.  Bumpkin had said she was going to wage war against humans for control of the world this spring, and, obviously, she meant it.  At this point, fireballs were popping out of her left paw like popcorn.  One after the other they came.  Again, they hit cars and buildings: stores and houses alike.  The war had begun.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She appeared to be as cool as a cucumber.  Her mastery of the fireballs of destruction is complete.  She wasn't even breaking a sweat.
After causing much destruction, we arrived at the beach.  I got out of the car, opened the doors, and moved the seats forward so Lucinda and Sloopy could get out.  We walked toward the beach.  I suppose it's a bit of a strange sight to see a human walking to the beach with 3 groundhogs, so people did their share of staring.  Unfortunately, for them, Bumpkin was in no mood to be stared at.  Everyone that pointed, stared at, or talked about us got their buns toasted by one of Bumpkin's fireballs.  I saw some boats on the lake.  Bumpkin saw them too.  She sent at least one fireball to each and every one of the boats we saw.  The fireballs detonated on the boats.  There were explosions, fires, and boats were sinking.  She even flung one at a passing plane.  She nailed it.  It exploded and suddenly fell from the sky.  It crashed into the lake.
War has begun.  People get ready for a new world leader: a groundhog named Bumpkin.    

I've Been to Uranus!

Take me to Uranus, and let me play among the stars.

Once again, thanks to Bumpkin, and adult diapers, I did not soil my car seat as we traveled to Uranus.  We don't need the car.  I don't start it up or anything.  It's all under Bumpkin's control, and she essentially teleported my car, her, Sloopy, Lucinda (Bumpkin's sisters), and I to Uranus.  I checked my watch, it took 42 seconds for us to travel to Uranus.
Uranus is a barren, godforsaken planet.  There was no sign of life.  It was freakin cold until Bumpkin turned up the heat in the temporary life-supporting bubble that she creates for us every time we travel through space.
"Ah, Bumpkin, could you change me?"
"Look buster, I told you.  I've changed you for the last time.  The adult diapers were my brilliant idea.  After that, I hereby retired from changing your poopy drawers. "
"I know, but it would be so easy with your powers."
"You've got 2 hands, buster.  Change yourself," Bumpkin suggested.
"Yes, ma'am.  Where's the diaper bag?"
"You didn't bring it?"
"No, Miss Bumpkin."
"Well, I didn't bring it.  It's not my responsibility; it's yours."
"Oh great.  I guess I can't change now."
"You got no one to blame but yourself.  Hey!  Sloopy!  Lucinda!  He pooped in his pants, and he forgot his diaper bag!"  Bumpkin said.
Sloopy and Lucinda laughed hard and loudly.  Soon, all 3 groundhog sisters were rolling around, their little bodies racked with laughter, on the surface of Uranus.
Bumpkin stopped laughing long enough to say, "Didn't you have that big-ass burrito yesterday?"
"Yes," I had to admit.
Now the sisters were convulsed with laughter.  I don't care that I'm the butt (no pun intended) of the joke.  I just love hearing my girls laugh: on Uranus to boot. 
We explored Uranus.  Bumpkin took some geological samples that she intended to test.  Who knows?  Perhaps Bumpkin will build a colony for animals or humans on Uranus.  She has so much power and imagination.  She's capable of fixing nearly every imaginable, and conceivable, problem.  I'm so lucky to have her as a friend.  I just wish she'd change me and remember to bring the diaper bag.

I've Been to Mars!

Bumpkin got us to Mars in 35 seconds flat.

"Who wants to go to Mars?" is how it started.  Who asked that bold question?  Bumpkin.  Sloopy and Lucinda cheered: I did not.
"You're going too buster," Bumpkin informed me.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  I don't want to give her any more reasons to launch any more fireballs at my backside.  She has toasted my buns.
"You know what to do," Bumpkin said to me.
"Put on an adult diaper."
"Exactly."
"Will do, Mistress Bumpkin."
"Although, this time, we'll be travelling in your car.  My hope is that you won't want to soil the seat of your own car, so maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to hold it in and not poop your pants, for a change, during space travel."
"We shall see my princess."
"And pack some food, Jackamoe."
"Yes ma'am."
When we were all ready, we went downstairs and got into my car.  I've driven Bumpkin around quite a bit, but I think that's the first time I ever had all 3 of the sisters in my car at once.  It might be the first time I ever had Sloopy and Lucinda in my car.  Holy crap!  I better bring some sort of a litter box: even if it's just a temporary one.  I don't know how long it will take us to get to Mars, but knowing Bumpkin, and how her superpowers just keep getting stronger and stronger, it probably won''t take us long.  She pretty much has the power of teleportation, so I estimate my car will be landing in Mars about 42 seconds after the Ford Escort is launched: perhaps sooner, but certainly not later that that.
Yes, I checked my watch, and it took us 35 seconds.   Bumpkin has, as usual, manufactured an environment for us within an invisible bubble that allows us to breath and function as we normally do.  They're right; it is red.  It's definitely red.  It's also dusty and rocky balboa. 
"I want a freaking sandwich," Bumpkin declared.
Why the heck not?  Right now, Lebron James is the toast of the town.  First of all, he's no Michael Jordan, he may be one day, but he certainly isn't yet.  The point is, let's see Lebron safely transport a Ford Escort to Mars from the Earth (obviously) in 35 seconds.
By the way, I didn't poop my pants this time!

Bumpkin in Space

Bumpkin before she gained her superpowers.

"Bumpkin, I haven't seen you in a while.  Where have you been?" I asked her one fine day.
"In space," was the young female groundhog's reply.
"What?"
"Are your ears clogged up?  Do you want me to try to clear them by flinging fireballs at them from my left paw?"
"No, ma'am.  I heard you.  It was, just for a second, hard to believe what I was hearing (telepathically, of course)."
"Are you calling me a liar?" she asked.  She held up her left paw in a way I'd seen her do before.  It was her usual pre-fireball-firing stance.
"No, ma'am, no ma'am.  I believe everything you've ever said.  You are, by far, the most honest groundhog I've ever met.  I believe that you've been in space.  Please, please, please tell me more."
"That's more like it.  I was looking at the sky Tuesday.  I said, 'what the heck' and took off for space."
"Wow."
"Shut up."
"Sorry."
"Do you want to hear this or not?"
"Yes, please.  I'm sorry: please continue."
"As I was saying, I took off for space.  It is so quiet up there, but there's no grass or weeds, well, I didn't see or smell any anyway.  Do you want to see space?"
"No thank you, Bumpkin.  I'm just fine here on Earth.  I've got enough going on here.  I don't need to travel to other universes and whatnot: got enough irons in the fire here to worry about."
"That's a yes."
In the next moment, I realized that Bumpkin and I were sitting in my car, which promptly began to ascend, straight up, out of the parking lot.  We must have been going hundreds or even thousands of miles an hour.  The wind was blowing my hair around ridiculously.  Well, it would have if I had hair: if I wasn't bald.  I soiled my underpants.
"OMG!  What is that freaking smell?"
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I'm not used to space travel.  I pooped in my pants."
"Darn it!  I can't take you anywhere!"  My pants and underwear were immediately stripped from my body by Bumpkin's will.  They hovered about thirty feet away as Bumpkin tossed a fireball at them.  She incinerated my pants and underwear with that one fireball.  Then I felt something.  Bumpkin was wiping my backside with toilet paper that she summoned from the Earth.  Thankfully, she was doing it with netherworld dark magic as opposed to using her razor-sharp claws.  Also thankfully, if a demon was wiping my butt, at least he or she was invisible to me.  After my derriere was clean, the used toilet paper was jettisoned from the car and Bumpkin toasted it with a fireball.  Then another pair of underwear and pants emerged from Earth and one or more demons dressed me.  I was as clean as a whistle.  That's just before I wet myself.
"Give me a freaking break!" said Bumpkin.  "I'm not changing you anymore today.  You're just going to have to stew in your own juices until it dries up: if it dries up."

Bumpkin's Chauffeur

This is a recent photo of Lucinda in all her zaftig glory.

That is what I have become.  Why me?  My car is a piece of crap.  Then again, what does Bumpkin know about cars?  Not much.  She's just a young groundhog.  I think she likes it cause it's green, which is also the color of her beloved grass and weeds.
Whoosh!  Once again, I'm hearing the unmistakable sound of a fireball launching from one of Bumpkin's paws.  This time, the target was a seagull.  She must have been well over 100 feet away: no matter.  Bumpkin toasted her.  She fell and landed in a parking lot in front of a CVS store.  Next sound I heard was a police siren.  Bumpkin and I were being pursued.
"What's that noise?" Bumpkin asked me.
"That's the police, Bumpkin.  They're going to want us to pull over."
"What is pull over?"
"That's when the police stop you to give you a ticket or arrest you."
"What are these things?"
"They're not good.  They're punishments."
"Bumpkin knows about punishments."   Right after she said that (telepathically, of course), she fired another fireball from her left paw.  She fired it out the window without even looking.  The fireball found its way to the target: the police cruiser.  It caught fire and soon exploded. 
"Wow!  How did you do that?  You never even looked at it, right?" I asked.
"Once I let it go, it's completely under my control.  I programmed it to hone in on that annoying sound."
"Incredible."
"Yes, it is.  Isn't it?"
A driver suddenly cut us off.  "You damn bozo!" I yelled.  I have a road rage problem.  So, apparently, does Bumpkin.  She wasted no time firebombing the car of the guy who cut us off.  It was right in front of us though.  I frantically tried to avoid the burning mass of metal.  I wasn't going to be able to avoid it.  Amazingly, my car went airborne and jumped over the crispy car.  It landed ever so gingerly onto its wheels again.  It was an incredibly smooth landing.  There was only one possible explanation: Bumpkin.  This is a very powerful groundhog indeed.
"You did that, didn't you?"
"But of course," she responded.
"Incredible."
"I'm very close to mastering all of time and space.  I'm no longer interested in being the county executive or the governor.  I'm ready to rule the world."
From mayor of Rochester to grand supreme ruler of the Earth; perhaps she'll make the biggest leap anyone, either human or groundhog, ever made in this world.  If one read it on a resume, would he or she believe it? 

Bumpkin 2: The Wrath of Bumpkin

So little, so cute, so deadly

Bumpkin is still causing mayhem around these parts.  For the second time, that I know of, she has fired a large and powerful fireball from one of her paws that has destroyed something.  In this case, it was a car.  The car exploded and went up like a tinderbox.  By the time the firemen put it out, the car was a total loss.  You couldn't even tell what make or model it was.  Again, the police came.  Naturally they'll want to investigate the cause of the blast.  Once again, I told them that Bumpkin the groundhog was responsible for the destruction, but I don't think they believe me.  I realize they probably think I have a screw loose in my head or something, but they'll see.  Once she takes the city, she'll seize the county, then the minds and wills of all human beings living within the great state of New York: the Empire State.  Though soon to be renamed "New Bumpkin: the Bumpkin State."  She already has every soul in my apartment complex, including mine, under her powerful spell.  She simply does not have to spend much time grazing anymore.  She has a battalion of brain-controlled zombies to do her bidding.  Whenever I hear her voice in my head, giving me a command, I follow it to the letter.  Most of the time, she's ordering me to pick grass, dandelions, and other sorts of weeds for her, her sisters, and her mother to consume as an in-hole snack.  Groundhogs eat weeds.  Let the groundhogs be free to do what they want, and they will eat weeds and keep the grass from getting too long.

Bumpkin used to be content to frolic in the grass with her mother and sisters, but now it seems like nothing will be able to quench her thirst for power.  I really think she intends to rule the world eventually.  With each and every giant fireball fired from a cute young groundhog paw, she gets more powerful and closer to her goal of total and complete domination of all the humans on the face of the planet.