Under Our Skin

I just saw a great documentary called Under Our Skin, which is about Lyme disease.  I watched some of the extra features, and the director mentioned that people have called the movie a real-life horror film, which is what I was thinking.  It is very scary.  Lyme disease is very easy to get.  All it takes is getting bit by an infected tick.   Once you have it, you're probably in for a nightmare.  When you have Lyme disease, your body is being attacked from the inside by an aggressive, and destructive, bacteria.  The pain can be horrible.  You might have seizures.  It can affect your nervous system.  You might not be able to function nearly as well as you used to.  It can take over your life for the worse.
There is no cure for Lyme disease, and there is a major controversy surrounding it.  A small group of doctors came out with a report on Lyme disease.  Many people disagree with the findings in the report.  The report said there is no such thing as chronic Lyme disease, which seems to be absolutely false.  It also said that Lyme disease shouldn't be treated long-term, which is another thing that many people disagree with.  It is alleged that about half of the doctors who contributed to the report had a conflict of interest, because they stood to benefit financially from the results.  This report is also an excuse for insurance companies to refuse to cover long-term Lyme disease treatment, which many say is absolutely necessary.  What's even worse is that doctors who treat Lyme disease effectively (They are really helping people.) are being prosecuted.  These doctors' licenses are being suspended, and an insurance company sued a doctor for $100,000,000.  So if a doctor really wants to help a Lyme disease victim, he or she risks losing their license and/or being ruined financially.  Once again, in America, money matters more than anything: animals, people, everything. 
I remember, when I was a kid, a tick was found on my leg.  It had embedded itself into my flesh.  I cried as my stepfather used a knife to cut the tick out of my skin.
Another thing that pissed me off was this particular woman featured in the movie.  She had Lyme disease, but that didn't stop her from procreating.  She said that she had 4 or 5 miscarriages; at least one of them was confirmed to have died from Lyme disease!  I believe the baby was 18 months old when he or she died.  Eighteen months of pain!  This stupid, cruel, selfish bitch should be prosecuted for the murder of multiple children!  Even though she killed all those babies by passing her Lyme disease on to them, that didn't stop her from having another kid: unbelievably cruel!  It was so sad and infuriating to see her playing with her little boy, because she mentioned that he tested positive for Lyme disease!  She said that he's fine, and she hopes he'll continue to be.  What a piece of shit!  This is all part of why I've railed against biological parents so much.  I'm gonna consciously pass this horrible disease on to my little boy, and HOPE he'll be okay!  Fuck you!  Her fucking uterus should be removed.  She's a kid killer!          

Buuny, 1 Hawk, 0

That isn't a typo.  I took a picture of a hawk eating a bunny.  I presume the hawk killed the bunny.  However, because the bunny is dead, he or she will suffer no more.  Only the living suffer.  What sort of life did she have anyway?  Hopping around, eating grass, hanging out, and sleeping?
Although I just saw an interesting documentary last night called Love Thy Nature.  Once again, the benefits of a natural, whole foods, plant-based (vegan) diet were extolled.  That's a goal of mine: to eat no processed foods.  Sugar is the great Satan.  I'm so lazy, though.  It's so easy to open a bag of chips.  I have to at least try it, though.  It could work as a natural antidepressant.  Wouldn't have to cook or wash pots and pans either.  This film also suggested that we're happier when we're outside: not on a busy street in a city, but in nature.  I had suspected that.  Since I finished my book, which there hasn't been any interest in yet, that is here: https://www.amazon.com/Farts-Literature-featuring-Bald-D-Bag-ebook/dp/B074MCFPVD/ref=sr_1_2?s=digita I've got more time to spend outside, so I think I'll do that. 
Another missing part of the happiness equation for me is friends; I have none.  Though I feel like all the world's animals are my friends.  It is my goal, at work, to pet at least one dog a day, and, most of the time, I'm able to do that.  The best thing, by far, about my job is that dogs are allowed to be there.  Coworkers have also brought in a cat and a ferret. 
I am alone.  Yesterday, I went to a library that's fairly far away.  I went for a walk along the Erie Canal.  There was some sort of an event going on.  There were a lot of people around, and a band was playing loud music.  I didn't know that would be happening.  If I had, I might have avoided it.  All those people, socializing with their friends and family members, made me feel extra lonely.

Life is Shit

Life is shit: literally.  I don't know about you, but I shit multiple times every day.  I hate doing it every time.  Life is a cruel joke.  We do the same shit every day.  It's so boring.
I have become convinced that it is an act of cruelty for a person to bring people or animals into this fucked-up world.  I hate life.  I want to die.  I'd gladly take a pill if it would kill me, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep tonight.  But if I kill myself, it will probably be much more painful, and messy, than that.
Should I chug antifreeze? 

Should I jump?
 
Should I hang?

Perhaps a combination of antifreeze and jumping or hanging.  Maybe the antifreeze will give me the courage I need to jump or hang myself.  Once I drink enough antifreeze, I'm fucked.  I might as well jump or hang.
I've been listening to a lot of Nirvana lately.  I recently saw a documentary about Kurt Cobain called Montage of Heck.  I've lived a lot longer than he did.  I feel it too.  What does it say about life that he killed himself as a wealthy 27-year-old rock star? 

Trying

The Golden Gate Bridge: a life taker

Life is so complicated.  Today, as usual, I listened to the radio.  When I heard that a man who attempted to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge was going to be featured on an hour-long talk show, I was all ears.
I've blogged about suicide before.  I have attempted to commit suicide myself.   I wanted to die.  The good news, for me, is that I finally realized I needed help with my depression, and I got some.  I'm still alive.  Where there's life, there's hope.
Over 2,000 people have committed suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.  I even saw a documentary about this particular subject.  The filmmakers focused their camera on the bridge and got footage of people ending their lives by jumping off of it.  About 30-something (36?) people have survived that particular jump.  The man I listened to today jumped and survived it.  It was a good show.  This survivor of suicide spoke quite well.  He mentioned that there is a plan to put nets under the bridge, so no one will ever be able to use it to commit suicide again.  He said that people have complained that the nets would take away from the aesthetic value of the bridge.  He also said that that particular notion made him sick.  I concur.  He also said there should be no stigma when it comes to mental illness.  I agree 100%.  No one judges anyone for taking their high-blood-pressure medication; no one should judge anyone for taking their antidepressants.       
I realize that I have expressed a lot of negativity here.  Every time I did, I was just being honest.  Many times, I've felt that life sucks.  Many times, I have wished that I had never been born.  "Many times I've been alone, and many times I cried (The Beatles)."  But, please understand, I hate suicide.  Suicide is a monster.  It kills people every day.  As many issues as I have had, and continue to have, with life, I don't want to kill myself.  It is so f*cking ugly.  It's the mind killing the body.  The body doesn't want to die.  It struggles at the end of a noose and it tries as hard as it can to not drown, for instance.
So suicide, for me, isn't a real option.  I might not be able to do it anyway.  I have to try to make my life better.  I also have to try to make the lives of animals better.  Animals have provided me with a reason to live.  I want to help them, because they need it so desperately.     

GG Allin

GG Allin

If you don't know who GG Allin is, you should.  He is a hero of mine.  Human society is a joke.  Rich people stay rich.  Poor people clean their mansions and serve them in every other way.  GG Allin was a real rock and roller.  He criticized singers who tried to sound tough when they sang, and he had every right to.  Rock and roll is supposed to be dangerous.  GG Allin never forgot that; he lived it.  I used to work with a young guy who liked punk rock, which is the genre that Allin is mostly associated with.  I told him about Allin, and he wasn't impressed, which surprised and disappointed me.
GG Allin is known for his insane performances.  He might beat himself bloody.  He might start a fistfight with one or more of the audience members.  He was known to poop onstage.  He was known to throw his poop at the audience.  I'm not sure, but he may have even eaten his poop onstage.  Google GG Allin and find out about him.  He was a true original.  I also recommend the documentary Hated, which is about him, and it is great.   

Thank god for Suicide

 
I don't capitalize god.  If he or she doesn't like it, he or she can put a lightning bolt through my head.  Come on, god!  I dare ya!  I dare you to put a lightning bolt through me head.  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Kiss my ass.
Anyway, suicide is a necessary evil.  I'm so glad it exists.  It's always there: 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.  I can end my pain at any time.  It's a real comfort to know I can do it, and I can do it in a number of ways.  Variety is the spice of life (and death).  I've pondered suicide quite a bit.  I know it's ugly.  I don't want to do it.  But, according to my beliefs, it effectively ends pain.  One of the things that keeps me from doing it is imagining my body trying to survive.  I think of suicide as the mind killing the body.  The mind attempts to kill the body, but the body struggles to survive.  It thrashes around on the end of a noose and tries to not drown.  Everyday, I try to take good care of my body.  I hate the thought of killing it.  So I don't want to kill myself.  But life sucks.  I don't understand how people can start a whole business by printing "Life is good." on T-shirts (and whatnot) and be successful.  Life is not good.  I feel like I'm living in a Twilight Zone episode.  Most people are miserable, but they say they're happy and life is good. 
Another example of a necessary evil is abortion.  I was definitely born too late.  If I had been conceived in 1974 (or later), I probably would have been aborted.  I would have avoided so much pain: past, present, and future.  I was the unwanted result of teenage sex.  I'm pro-choice.  Countless people have avoided unfathomable amounts of pain because their lives were nipped in the bud.  Because I've had so little sex, and some luck, I've never gotten a woman pregnant.  It really is important to always be learning and progressing.  I saw an excellent documentary on abortion.  I thought I was all for it.  Then I saw the aftermath of one.  I saw the baby body parts on the doctor's tray.  I saw an arm and a head with at least one eye.  It didn't make me agree with the pro-life people, but it helped me understand them more.  Abortion is necessary, but it's ugly.     

Why I Became a Vegan

What a lineup!

 There are many reasons to become a vegetarian or a vegan, but this is probably the best one. If enough people became vegetarians, we could wipe out world hunger. The premise is simple. A massive amount of food is grown to feed pigs, cows, chickens, etc.  If we ceased to intentionally bring these animals into the world for our consumption, then all that food that would have gone to the animals can now be used to feed hungry people.  I'm not suggesting starving the existing livestock.  But if most people stopped eating meat, it would greatly reduce the demand for animal flesh, so less animals would be brought into the world to eat the staggering amounts of food grown for them.  This makes the extra food available for human consumption.  Obviously, animal populations could be controlled easily by separating males from females.

I saw a documentary called Forks Over Knives. The main message of the film is a powerful one. A whole-foods, plant-based (vegan) diet is much healthier than one that includes animal products (meat, dairy, and eggs). Several studies have shown that a diet that includes too many animal products is more likely to give the consumer of such a diet heart disease or cancer. We all have cancer cells in our body. A diet that contains too much animal products could cause these cells to develop into the disease. On the other hand, vegetables like broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage help fight cancer. Being a vegan is win-win. It's good for you, and it's good for the animals. Conversely, not being a vegan can be lose-lose. The innocent animals definitely lose. The non-vegan might lose too when all the animals he ate reach from their graves to get their vengeance by pulling him down with them.

As most people know, obesity has become a major health problem in America. Before I became a vegan, I was wearing size 42 waist pants. I was, as a coworker told me, pudgy (to say the least). I currently fit comfortably into size 30 waist pants.

Anyone who cares about the environment should be a vegetarian. Many environmental organizations have come to the conclusion that raising animals for food contributes to global warming and pollution in a major way. Because there are so many of them, cows emit more greenhouse gases (from their bodies) than automobiles. Countless trees have been cut down to make room for livestock. Livestock production also leads to soil erosion, and the massive amount of pesticides it uses contaminates earth and water.

As a vegan, I assure you it is easy to be a vegetarian. Many different delicious varieties of veggie burgers, and other foodstuffs, are ready and waiting to fill the void when one ceases to eat meat. Some taste like burgers, others taste like chicken

Ever since I was a kid I've had problems with the way that people treat animals. Whenever I saw someone walking a dog, for instance, it didn't seem right to me. The dog wasn't free; he was leashed and under the control of the person who was walking him. Also, I knew that some dogs were only allowed to go outside when people took them out. I have understood, for many years now, why dogs are treated this way. I have walked dogs many times, and I know that leashes help keep them safe. Regardless, I think it's a shame that humans have taken control of this world in such a complete and total way. Obviously, animals belong here as much as we do. This world belongs to them as much as it does to us.

I was raised to eat meat. My father left us when I was two years old, so my mother had to raise me by herself; money was tight. I think this is the main reason why I really don't miss most of the sorts of meat that she fed me. When it came to steak, we didn't dine on fillet mignon, we ate London broil, which is a shoulder cut. It was quite chewy. I don't miss eating steak at all. Similarly, it's easy for me to do without the pork chops that I used to eat in my mother's home. I'm picturing them now: with the ring of fat around them that disgusted me every time. I'll admit that I really used to enjoy eating hamburgers and bacon. If they were to announce on the news that, somehow, hamburgers, bacon, and American cheese, all previously thought to be non-vegan foods, are in fact all 100% vegan, then I'd probably run out and eat as many bacon cheeseburgers as I could. Obviously, that's not going to happen. Besides, I've eaten my share of bacon, cheese, and burgers.

I also don’t miss eating eggs. I still can recall that egg farts are the worst. Before I became a vegan, I enjoyed many foods that contained eggs: like mayonnaise and baked goods. Since then, I have eaten many delicious vegan baked goods, and there is a tasty egg-free product called Vegenaise that has effectively replaced mayonnaise in my fridge. I don’t bake, but I know that there’s at least one vegan product out there that replaces eggs in recipes that call for them.

Once I started to become aware of the horrible ways in which so-called food animals are treated, I became a vegetarian. I was a college student at the time. I was a vegetarian for about two and a half years, and then I went back to eating meat.

I used to live in New York City, and I used to watch a lot of TV. One of the interesting things about watching TV in New York City is the variety of public access television programming that is available. That is where I saw several programs that had been put on the air by animal rights activists. One of the first such programs I saw was narrated by Pam Anderson. It showed men treating cows brutally in India. I had heard that cows are sacred to Indians, but, after seeing this show, it was clear that not all of them felt that way.

I also remember seeing chimpanzees confined in tiny washing-machine-like cells. The chimpanzees had been deliberately infected with a communicable disease so the scientists could study the effects it had on them. The scientists didn't want to catch whatever disease they had given to the chimpanzees, so they kept them completely isolated. That meant that they would not get to leave their cells: at all. They would receive no physical contact from outside their cells, and all the chimpanzees were separated from each other. Additionally, there was nothing in their cells aside from the chimpanzees: no toys or anything to help them pass the time. This enraged and saddened me. One could easily walk past the door of this room, where the chimpanzees were being kept, and not even know they were in there. Right away, I imagined what it would be like if I was unfortunate enough to be trapped in one of their bodies. I think the ability to sympathize with the plight of animals is one of the main reasons why people become vegans and vegetarians. I'm very lucky that I've never been treated the way those chimpanzees have been treated. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd have nothing to look forward to except for death.

Watching these kinds of shows convinced me to become a vegan. Once I found out what a vegan was, I came to the conclusion that being a vegetarian wasn't going far enough: at least as far as I was concerned. The main issue is intense confinement. As many people know, pigs are considered to be at least as intelligent as dogs are. I’ve seen, on TV, pigs who were much-loved pets. I saw a pig push a soccer ball around and put it back in his toy box when he was done. Unfortunately, many pigs and calves are forced to live in stalls that give them no room to walk. Many of them don’t even have enough room to turn around or fully extend their limbs. Calves are taken away from their mothers shortly after birth so people can have the milk instead; naturally, this upsets cows and calves. Egg-laying hens are often kept in tiny battery cages. Again, as with pigs and calves, these hens are given only the bare minimum when it comes to personal space. But this is only the tip of the iceberg. If anyone wants to know how eating meat, eggs, and dairy causes suffering in the animal world, there’s plenty of information about it on the Internet, in books, and in documentaries. I highly recommend reading Animal Liberation by Peter Singer: especially chapters two and three. Chapter two describes how live animals have been treated when they've been experimented on in laboratories. Chapter three lets the reader know what life is like for food animals that live within the cruel confines of a factory farm.

People are cruel to many different animals in many different ways. For countless animals, ours is a reign of terror. I’ve seen cruelty to animals in movies. Animals that are forced to perform in circuses are usually treated badly; they certainly aren’t allowed to live natural lives. It’s horrible that many animals have been killed just so people could have fur coats.

We take everything, everything, from animals. We take away their freedom and contentedness. We take away opportunities to follow their natural instincts. We don't allow them to live the sorts of lives they were meant to live. We often don't allow them to raise, or ever spend time with, their young. Conversely, we make orphans out of baby animals. And, of course, we take their lives and their mutilated bodies.

I’m not perfect. The sweet seduction of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups has caused me to fall off the vegan wagon. I've also given in to the urge to eat mozzarella cheese. Since I became a vegan, in 2002, I have not spent any money on foods which contain any meat, milk, or eggs. I went through a weak period. It began at a former workplace. Sometimes my coworkers would bake cookies to share with the rest of us. I’d see them on the break-room table, and sometimes I gave in to temptation. I wasn’t proud of myself, but I attempted to rationalize my transgressions by reminding myself that I hadn’t paid for them. I may have eaten something that had milk or eggs in it, but I didn’t support the meat, egg, or dairy industries with my money. I tried to convince myself that I had found a loophole, but I knew it was bogus. At no time have I eaten any meat since I became a vegan. I have since rededicated myself to being a vegan, and I am stronger than ever when it comes to resisting temptation. For instance, instead of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, I eat dark chocolate with peanut butter. Vegan dark chocolate and peanut butter are very easy to find.

Spending quality time with food animals could very well convince someone to become a vegetarian. I have stroked the wattles of turkeys, rubbed pig bellies, and hugged cows. This all happened when I visited Farm Sanctuary, which is near Watkins Glen, NY. It is a great organization. Many of these animals really seemed to appreciate the affection that people showered upon them. These are sweet, innocent animals that deserve to be treated well.

There’s no shortage of reminders why I should be a vegan. I've seen horrible footage. I've seen a worker, who was holding a piglet by her rear legs, bash her head against a hard floor repeatedly as she screamed. I've seen workers throwing live chickens savagely against a wall. The same workers stomped on live chickens. I've seen an animal skinned alive for his fur. I've seen plenty of footage of animals being killed, and all of it is 100% ugly: no exceptions.

I saw a documentary called Food, Inc., which, ultimately, angered me. Toward the end of the film, the filmmaker visited with a farmer who raises food animals in a "natural" way. For instance, the pigs seemed to have it better than those who are forced to live on factory farms. A guy from Chipotle Mexican Grill was also there. Apparently, according to what I heard in the movie, they get their meat from places like that instead of factory farms, because they care about animals. If they really cared about animals, they wouldn't serve meat at all! They were all smiling and acting like this was the perfect solution to animal suffering. They were gleefully ignoring the fact that those pigs would eventually be killed, and that would be nothing to smile and feel good about.

Also in the movie, a farmer was preparing fresh chicken carcasses to be sold when he said something like, "Isn't this great? We're not in a dirty building doing this; we're outside." Around the time he was saying that with a smile on his face, one of the employees took a chicken out of a cage and shoved her into a device that was clearly designed to make slashing a chicken's throat nice and easy. That's just what the employee did. The poor chicken cried out fearfully from the time she was grabbed in the cage till she died. I disagree with the farmer and the guy from Chipotle. Killing is ugly and it always will be.

I won't be satisfied until nearly everyone has become at least a vegetarian: preferably a vegan. The animals need many people to change the way they eat. The vast majority of people do not need to eat meat in order to survive. They simply choose to do so. These animals don't deserve to live horrible lives simply because many people refuse to limit their food choices at all. Most people, if not practicing direct cruelty, practice a sort of casual cruelty. Buying meat in a store, ordering it in a restaurant, or buying garments made of leather are all examples of casual cruelty. It's so easy to practice this sort of cruelty. You don't have to kill the animals and butcher them. You're just paying other people to do it.

Please become a vegetarian. Giving up foods that contain eggs is the next easy step. The hardest part, at least it was for me, is saying goodbye to all foods which contain milk. Just remember, we are all animals. Think of all the things we have in common with them. Like many of them, we have two eyes, a nose, a mouth, teeth, and so on. There are many, many similarities between us and them. I consider all the animals of the world to be my brothers and sisters. Please don’t treat them any worse than you’d treat your daughter or your mother. And please don’t support a system that forces them to live in misery until their lives are taken for no good reason.

The Whale

A free groundhog

The Whale is the name of a movie I saw recently on DVD.  It is a beautiful documentary that is narrated (very well) by Ryan Reynolds.  It is about a young male Orca, named Luna, that became separated from the rest of his pod.  He found himself off the west coast of Vancouver Island, British Columbia.
Orcas are social creatures: like us.  Since he had no whales to hang out with, he tried to make friends with all the humans he encountered.   I don't want to reveal too much.  It is a great movie.  It's rated G.  There is no offensive material in it whatsoever.  By the way, the breath-taking scenery alone is a reason to see this movie.
I don't know what to say.  I love animals.  They are in my thoughts everyday.  I wish humans would stop imprisoning them and eating them.  So far, I don't think much of capitalism.  Greed is the main reason why animals like pigs, chickens, and cows are treated horribly.  They cram as many as they can into a building without concern for how much space each animal has.  On a personal note, I'm unemployed, looking for a job, and my savings are running out.  The gap between the haves and have nots keeps widening in this country.  I feel like we ruined this beautiful natural world with our sick society.  Nature is perfect; there's nothing wrong with it.  We haven't improved upon it; it is superior to anything we have done.
What would it take to get people to stop eating meat?  We certainly don't need to.  For the most part, it's bad for our health.  The healthiest foods are whole foods like fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, beans, and whole grains; meat can't compare.
I find myself at a loss for words.  Stop eating meat and eggs.  Treat animals with respect and kindness; they belong here as much as we do.  They should have the same freedoms and protection from violence that we have.      

Love Animals

Happy doggy!

I don't fully relate to people who aren't vegans or vegetarians.  We don't need to eat meat, and we'd be much healthier if we didn't.  It's so tragic that people are willing to destroy their own health in order to ensure that animals like pigs, cows, chickens, and turkeys will live miserable lives in captivity until they are unnecessarily murdered.
Watch the documentary Forks Over Knives.  It is an eye-opening experience.  The basic message is don't eat meat, dairy, and processed foods, and you will be much healthier.  If you think that movie is a fluke, then watch Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  In that doc, a man who was overweight and on several medications switched to a diet that contains lots of fresh fruit and veggie juice and lost a lot of weight.  He was also able to get off of all the medications he had been on.  This man also convinced an obese truck driver to eat mostly fruit and veggie juice.  The transformation was incredible.  The truck driver was miserable as a meat eater.  Once he consumed mostly fruit and veggie juice, he lost weight and seemed to be much happier. 
That's an important message.  When you eat foods like broccoli, which is basically a superfood, you're eating all-natural medicine.  As many know, delicious blueberries are rich with antioxidants.  Instead of eating dead meat and popping all sorts of pills, you could eat fresh fruits, veggies, nuts, beans, seeds, and grains.  If you're overweight, you'd probably lose weight.  If you're a pill-popper, you might be able to ditch most, if not all, of your medications.
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  I guess not.  It's pretty clear that people would rather get heart disease and cancer than stop eating meat.  How about this?  You're an adult, so maybe you should have control over what you put in your mouth and make smart decisions instead of stupid ones.  And maybe you shouldn't be poisoning your kids with unhealthy foods like meat. 
I suppose that it's been like this forever.  A small part of the population cares about ALL animals (not just pets), and the majority doesn't give a damn about most of them.  It's sad.  Just be careful.  If you're mistreating an animal, and someone tells you to stop, you'd better listen.  If I'm the one telling you to stop, and you don't, you might get your face smashed in.

Bumpkin Likes to Cuddle

My cuddle buddy: Bumpkin

She really does.  Ever since I told Bumpkin I'd read, in an least 2 psychology books, that touching has great therapeutic benefits, she has insisted that I cuddle with her regularly.  That's fine with me.  It's good for me and it's probably good for her too.  Trust me, it's totally innocent and platonic.  Bumpkin's getting into enough rambunctiousness as it is; I can only wonder how she'll act when she's older, like when she's entered groundhog adolescence.
"Give me a massage," she ordered.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  As instructed, I began to rub her tiny feminine groundhog shoulders (upper).
"Oh, yeah," Bumpkin moaned, "that's good."
"I'm glad your enjoying it, Miss Bumpkin."
"How many groundhogs have you massaged before me?"
As much as I love and respect Bumpkin, that was a heck of a stupid question.  "None, Bumpkin.  You're my first."
"It seems to Bumpkin like you've been doing this your whole life.  You are a great masseuse of groundhogs.  No matter where I go, you will be my personal masseuse.  Or, if I find someone better than you, then you will be the personal masseuse of one of my sisters.  And, of course, should you lose one or both of your hands, I will replace you." 
"That's great news ma'am."
"You don't seem to be as excited as I thought you'd be.  Don't you realize how safe you'll be?  Every human who refuses to submit to my whole world rule will be slaughtered.  There will be tons of carnage.  The resulting bloodbath will make the Civil War look like a picnic."
"Wow.  You know about the Civil War?"
"Of course, I've seen quite a bit of the stuff Ken Burns made about it.  It's very informational.  What it's missing completely is the groundhog perspective on the Civil War.  Make a note: I'm going to make a Civil War documentary that explores the groundhog perspective on the war."
"Yes, ma'am."  I pulled the pad out of my pocket in which I wrote down all of her ideas she told me to write down.  I didn't bother to tell her that most groundhogs don't watch or own televisions, because she'd probably launch an effort to get TVs to groundhogs.  Moreover, I'd probably have to lug TVs all over the place, and I don't know how they'll fit in groundhog's holes.  That's why I didn't open that particular can of worms.