Sunday, November 22, 2020

Just in Case

if you're here from twitter because i stopped posting, i ask that you NOT ask twitter or anyone to do a wellness check on me. i wouldn't do that to anyone. you can really interfere badly with someone if you do that. for me, no good, only bad, can come to me from someone doing that. SUBJECT CHANGE, since blogger has changed for the worse. i clearly made a new paragraph, but they got jammed together. that's people for ya. gotta change: even if it's for the worse. anyway, this is presumptuous. not like anyone would give a fuck, but just in case. don't recall when, but months ago at least, i began saving tweets of mine i felt like saving. they're in a file on my computer called "FUN STUFF." there's quite a bit of stuff in that file, but if someone just enters "tweeted" as a keyword search, it will take 1 to them, because i always added "tweeted x" to the tweets (x being the date it was posted). and i've also saved tweets in a file called "saved tweets."

Tuesday, August 4, 2020

A Proposal

(submitted to the NY Times as an op-ed: no reply) I'm willing to donate my body, and all its organs, to people who need them in exchange for a reliable, peaceful, painless death. I am an antinatalist. I strongly feel as though I never should have been born. No one has ever consented to being born and submitting to all of society's rules and laws. And if one doesn't live the way one is "supposed to," there can be very grave consequences to face: homelessness, addiction, incarceration, being the victim of violence, etc. I have OCD and depression, or is life in society the problem? If someone is depressed, they "have a problem," which is traditionally treated with therapy and/or antidepressants (I've tried therapy and a few different antidressants without any real sastisfaction.). But what if they simply can't stand doing the same things everyday: urinating, defecating, butt wiping, rushing, in a commute that is potentially very dangerous, to get to a job they hate, on time? I also hate shopping, cleaning, laundry, in short, I hate life. I have attempted suicide. I've tried to hang myself several times, and, obviously, I have failed every time. Perhaps it's because, as an adult, all my homes have been apartments, and one would assume, when designing an apartment, one wouldn't want to make it easy for a tenant to hang oneself, since dead tenants don't pay rent. Very frustratingly, the pills that would allow one to die reliably, peacefully, painlessly already exist, but, unfortuantely for people like me, I can't just make an appointment with a doctor and have them prescribed to me. I'm alone. I'm old. I'm quite sure life isn't for me. I am childfree. I have no pets, animals to take care of. I'm not married, don't have a significant other, have very few friends and haven't seen any of them in months, so I wouldn't be leaving anyone behnd, and isn't it my life anyway? People need organs. We know this. As I mentioned, do with my body and all its organs whatever you want as long as I get a "good" death. Help me die, and my organs will help people live. Isn't it a better alternative than someone jumping or lying in front of a train and leaving a grisly corpse that children might find? Desperate times call for desperate measures. Though, truth be told, as much as I hate my life, like many people, I'm terrified of a horribly painful suicide, and even more, surviving it only to be worse off than before (paralysis, for example). Why should I continue miserably? I am environemntally conscious, and people are bad for the environment. I have a car, so I reluctantly contribute to climate change. I try very hard to not be wasteful, but every time I use toilet paper, etc, I am wasting. This is a serious offer. Though considering I'd be giving my life and my body, I'd prefer to not have to pay for the procedure.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Email to My Mother

my mother: "Have you called any of the tel #s I gave you? Please keep in touch."

me: i haven't. i'm taking antidepressants now, they're not helping, & i've taken a few different kinds & none have worked. therapy hasn't worked either. i hate life. i hate pissing, shitting, wiping my ass, shit jobs I hate, cleaning, laundry, shopping, & all these other things i hate doing. i hate my chronic pain, aging, that i've lost my looks & i can look forward to getting older, uglier, weaker, & more pain

Saturday, January 11, 2020

New Online Dating Profile

i ain't a liar. i'll be brutally honest, so we don't waste our time.
out of work right now bc i hated my job, so i quit, which is an honest thing to do. don't like it? MOVE ON! I DON'T CARE! ain't broke, tho. have $ in savings from working
i have very lil faith in this at this point, bc most ppl are such hardcore conformers & so simple-minded
i refuse to support animal cruelty (buy meat, egg, dairy, leather, etc). that means for me, you, ANYONE.
I'm sure i don't want to have kids, so if u want to, look elsewhere. this is a very f'd up world, which should be obvious. glad i haven't forced any1 into it
i'm not an optimist; i'm a realist.
i don't care to be a conformer. i have my own mind.
i don't believe in god
ciao, bella!

Sunday, October 20, 2019

Current Online Dating Profile

REALLY frustrated w/this at this point. 1st of all, i ain't stupid, so don't even try to scam me. ask me for $, & i'll report you i refuse to support animal cruelty (buy meat, egg, dairy, leather, etc). that means for me, you, ANYONE. I'm sure i don't want to have kids. i'm not an optimist; i'm a realist. i don't care to be a conformer. i have my own mind. it's sad, but i find that women are more likely to judge me when it comes to how much of a loser i am (i work full-time, but i don't have a prestigious job, & i don't make a lot of $. if that's a prob, i'm def not interested in you) as opposed to my morals & values, which i'm proud of my experience is, if women are considering dating me, they will interrogate/judge me: fine. i will be brutally honest, because there's no point in wasting time, nor do i want to be w/someone who's obsessed w/$, status, because that's so typical. BTW, i AIN'T a sugar daddy, & i ain't gonna be 1

Tuesday, June 18, 2019


I'd always gotten the asshole vibe from this regular customer at work. He'd made fun of me before, & I'm sick of seeing his ugly face. I work as a lumber cashier at Lowe's, & I see some customers everyday or nearly everyday: frequently multiple times a day. It sucks. This guy is 1 of those customers.
When this guy is there by himself, there aren't problems. But when he has an audience, watch out. He's been there with his kid(s), & asked me, "Are you having fun?" & I've said, no, & he's laughed, which might not sound so bad (Certainly, trust me, it's boring & typical.), but context is everything sometimes. I'm real; that's how I am. If I'm miserable, I have neither the energy nor the inclination to act happy. & I'm frequently miserable at work for good reason; my job sucks.
Lately, this asshole has been coming into Lowe's with a young guy: a teen. So they come to my register. While I'm doing my job, the asshole asks me, "Do you like your job?" He's such an asshole, I was expecting him to laugh when I said, "no," but he didn't. "What's your passion?" he asked. As I mentioned, I'd gotten the asshole vibe from him before, so I didn't answer. he said, "not this?" I said, "no." The teen said, "Are you certified in anything?" "No," I said. "He don't give a fuck about you," the asshole said. "He's angry," 1 of them said as they were leaving. It was humiliating. They ganged up on me. If you don't see it, you had to be there.
I'm such an easy target. I stand there, they approach me, & I have to deal with them. Realistically, to be a cashier at my age means I'm a loser. & that's how they treated me. & people are so shitty, they don't care WHY you're a loser, just that you ARE 1, & therefore, it's OK to treat you like 1. Maybe I'm a loser because I'm the result of a teen pregnancy, my father left when I was 2, my mother has always been cold, selfish, lazy, uncaring, stupid, etc, & I was molested by a family member (the short version).
So that in itself sucked, but it wasn't over. That occurred at the "front end" of the store, where the main exit is. Then, as usual, I moved to the lumber register to relieve the woman who starts there at 6:00 am. So they returned. Fucking great, I thought. Even though he's well into adulthood, I saw the asshole jump onto a cart & ride it a bit.
So they approached me again. The asshole said, "hi." I was still pissed at them, so I said nothing. He laughed & so did the teen. Then he asked, condescendingly, "which register do you like better: this or the other 1?" Again, I said nothing, & again they laughed at me. I'd had enough.
"I don't appreciate you hassling me while I'm trying to pay my bills & keep a roof over my head!" I said very angrily to the asshole. I had bagged his purchases & tossed them hard onto the counter, which may have hit him a little bit, & there was hard stuff in that bag. He looked shocked; I didn't care; I was furious.
"You got it wrong," he said. "I was trying to be nice." "You laughed at me!" I replied. He said, "Yeah, but- (don't recall the rest)."
Then he called me a prick. Obviously, you can get fired for cursing out a customer, so I said, "You are!" The whole time, the teen is smirking at me: so fucking disrespectful & shitty. Then the teen bought an energy drink. I virtually always hand the change to the customers: not this time. I definitively put his change & receipt on the counter; our hands touched a little. I did not thank them for their purchases; again, I virtually always do that. The teen continued to smirk, as he said, "Have a nice day" (sarcastically) to me.
As they were leaving, the asshole loudly said, "What a fucking asshole!" or something like that, which was obviously meant for me. The teen laughed.
For quite a while, hours, afterward, I felt sick: possibly the result of an adrenaline dump. I also had, & still do, some fear. What if they come back to beat the shit out of me? I spend a lot of time alone over there: especially at night. What if 1 or both of them know Karate, etc.?
That's why I titled this "Cowards," because that's what people who fuck with other people while they're working are. It's not fair. He can call me a prick, an asshole, but I can't unless I don't mind getting fired, which doesn't seem so fucking bad, & hasn't for a while now.
Now I can "look forward" to dealing with them again (& again & again).

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Dear mama

I'm so disappointed with you. I'm so unlucky to have been stuck with you. You're shit, but you're too delusional to know it.
You don't give a fuck about me: you never have. I'm just a mistake you made. You even literally called me a "mistake" when I was a kid when explaining how I came into this wretched existence. I've just been an obligation, a drag, a killjoy, because you were young, you were 19 when you got pregnant with me. Then dad left when I was 2, so there went your help, you had to raise me on your own, more reasons to resent my existence.
So, because of your actions, you had to work 2 jobs. And when you were done, you frequently went out, because you were a young slut. So this led to me spending a lot of time home alone: not so good for social development.
You got married for the second time to Ken. he moved in. then his son, Mike, moved it, & you really weren't happy about that. Even though he was only 13 (I was too), you treated him very unfairly. You were always mean to him: & Ken too. You physically attacked Ken several times. He had a lot of patience until 1 time he wrestled you to the ground after you attacked him. You screamed at me to call the police. I didn't, but you did. they came to the house & it was humiliating. One time, at dinner, you threw your iced tea at Ken, then you immediately refilled your glass & doused Mike, even though he wasn't a part of the argument. The whole time Mike was there, you behaved like a child having a tantrum. You even made him kneel next to the toilet so you could slam his head against it for leaving the seat up. Eventually, of course, they both left. You're a 2-time loser (divorcee). No wonder I've never "tied the knot."
You smacked my head because you thought I hadn't finished my homework, but I had, & I showed it to you. You cried, apologized, & hugged me. I was thinking, get the fuck off me.
Then I was molested by your Uncle Harry when I was a teen. You knew he liked to go to gay bars, but you made it easy for him. You let him sleep in the same bedroom as me. I woke to him kissing me on the mouth, fondling my crotch, & murmuring about "young flesh." when he saw I woke, he was terrified. he gestured toward the bedroom where you & grandma were sleeping and said, "shh!" at least he stopped molesting me. I didn't say anything about it until after he died. Your reaction was very disappointing. Seems like maybe you didn't believe me. Years later, I'm in your house, & I see a picture of Uncle Harry with his sisters. I confronted you about not only having a picture of a child molester on your bookcase, but the man who had molested YOUR OWN SON, & you waddled your fat ass over to it & put it into a drawer: your body language expressing that I was the 1, not YOU, who was out of line. You're so childish & delusional. despite all evidence, you think you're perfect: typical human.
Years later, my ex was visiting me at your house, & you blamed Mike for your failed 2nd marriage. I really had to bite my tongue because I was there. YOU were responsible for the failure of that marriage: not him. He was a 13-year-old boy who was traumatized by your shit, you delusional liar.
When I was walking to your house (during daytime), 1 of your neighbors interrogated me while his fat ass was seated in his vehicle. he said, "we've had some burglaries. what are you doing here?" he obviously seems to think he has more rights than the police do when it comes to confronting people. You saw this, you attention whore, so you poked your fat ass out the front door. after you realized what the situation was, your neighbor interrogating your son because he was walking down the street, that didn't stop you from having a pleasant conversation with him, you piece of fucking shit.

Friday, May 24, 2019

What a Fucking Day

Another shit day at work. Dealing with an old fool (I have to deal with plenty of them at work.), I got a little frustrated with him & raised my voice a little. He said, "Well, don't get sore about it!" But he wasn't done. The old fool has quite a temper. He did some more snapping at me, &, as he was leaving, I laughed at him. Then he got really pissed off. He called me a jerk. Since I was at work, I said, "It takes one to know one." Outside of work, I probably would have called him an asshole. He got in my fucking face: hilarious! The guy's like 30 years older than me. I could demolish him. I stepped back, & said, derisively, "get out of my face." He said, "fuck you," & so did I. I could get fired for that; I'm sure.
But that was nothing compared to what was waiting for me in the mailbox. The IRS sent me a bill for $664. Some DUMB ASS ignored the amount of NYS tax I paid that I wrote on the form & the stub from my employer & assumed I payed 0 state income tax for the whole year: UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! And today is the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, so this shit will be hanging over my head for 3 WHOLE FUCKING DAYS before I can call them. When it rains, it pours. If I can't convince them I don't owe that money, it will be DEVASTATING.
Also, my mother sent me a letter asking me to drive from here (Rochester, NY) to my grandma's apt (Queens, NYC) so I can spend a few days with the 2 of them. So fucking presumptuous. She's like, we'll do this, & we'll do that. I don't think so!
Everyday I'm being punished for not killing myself.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Date Chat (continued)

her (in quotes): "The world has good things in it too. How about music and art?"
me (not): i know it does. But it's little consultation for many. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death. I love music, but i can be quite miserable while listening to it. life is hard. life is pain. so why are there 7.7 billion of us? those are the 2 most backward things about society to me. it's socially acceptable to perpetrate/support animal cruelty & bring people into a very messed-up world, & that most people do these things. belief in god as well, but that's a distant 3rd for me. the 1st 2 bother me everyday: multiple times a day. I also think it's stupid & dangerous to ride motorcycles in traffic & climb mountains like Everest. I think it's stupid to get tattoos

"Tell me about the daily sacrifices that you make for the sake of animals."

That seems confrontational. when you DON"T eat whatever you want, EVERYDAY, when you refuse to support animal cruelty, that is a sacrifice. i get the message out on Twitter. i receive emails asking me to take action, sign petitions, contact elected reps & i do. i spent a lot of time & effort writing an "animal liberation" book & if you are judging me, i'll remind you what i said about not caring at all what people think about me. after all, i did not ask for this existence. my parents forced it on me, which i've never done to someone

"I didn't mean to be confrontational. I'm wondering what you could do that would be a sacrifise. Those things that mention are things that you do, but they don't seem like a sacrifice. I think of sacrifice as you giving up something for their benefit. Does that mean that you really love eating meat and not eating it is a sacrifice for you? I was vegan for many years and I didn't ever consider it to be a sacrifice."
if i didn't care about animals, i'd be eating bacon cheeseburgers. i don't like veggies. it is a sacrifice. doesn't everyone like pizza? i haven't bought it since 2002
"I didn't eat any of that stuff for about 15 years and it was no big deal."
i guess it was because you went back to eating it

"There are soilders who fall on bombs to save their comrades. There was a mass shooting in New Zealand recently and an unarmed student rushed the shooter to let others get away. Those are sacrifices. Not eating a burger is nothing."
is that how you want your son/daughter to go out? wonderful world you brought them into, right? all these mass shootings, terrorist attacks, tons of other assorted violence, &, of course, nasty, judgmental people
"My son sitting here reading this with me tells me that he is very happy to be alive."
will he be when he's 85 & a weak (body & mind), pain-ridden mess?
(no reply as of posting)

Friday, March 22, 2019

Probably the End

I thought i'd heard the last from the woman I went on 2 dates with, then she messaged me again. I read this (from her) today:
"My attraction to someone develops through feeling a connection with them. I don't know yet if that will happen with you."
my reply:
i'm not someone who's driven by the pursuit of $, greed & selfishness. what people think about me, their judgements, it doesn't matter to me. I do my best to not support animal cruelty, & i've never gotten a woman pregnant. you may as well know sooner than later (she's procreated twice) that I think it's cruel for people to bring people or animals into a world that is so obviously cold, cruel, brutal, & dangerous. You seem intelligent, so I don't need to list all the problems with this world. the news does that everyday anyway. so i am proud of the way i've lived my life. I'm a merciful person who makes sacrifices everyday for the sake of animals. & if people don't appreciate me for who i am, then I'm not interested in them.

Just in Case

if you're here from twitter because i stopped posting, i ask that you NOT ask twitter or anyone to do a wellness check on me. i wouldn&#...