Crushing, Killing Debt

 
Currently, my retirement options are a) homelessness and b) suicide.  I have over $23,000 in credit card debt.  I should be like the average human.  I should care much, much more about money than animals.  But I can't.  I just can't.  I care more about animals than money every second of every day.
I was watching a movie that I like the other day called The Boost, which is about drug addiction.  James Woods buys an expensive car, and a dog, for his wife (Sean Young).  I'm relying on my memory, but he essentially said, "A $50,000 car and a $2 mutt-go figure."  That line saddened me immediately and deeply, because, in our society and world, it's true.  I don't agree with that.  I truly believe the life of one mouse is worth more than all the money in the world.  Animals are flesh and blood; money is paper and metal.
But, in our society, money is worth more than life.  That's one of humankind's contributions to this world.  It can safely be said that, in our society, all these items are worth more than the lives of countless animals: smartphones, cars, houses, clothes, shoes, hoverboards, bikes, motorcycles, coffeemakers, toasters, furniture, cutlery, guns, bombs (including nuclear and hydrogen, of course), missiles, chemical and biological weapons, tanks, aircraft carriers, battleships, destroyers, submarines, computers, microwave ovens, stoves, furnaces, real estate, parking lots and garages, refrigerators, radios, stereos, TVs, watches, alcohol, drugs, alarm clocks, and so on.  I could go on and on, but the sad truth is that almost EVERYTHING is worth more to meat eaters than the lives of the animals they eat.  Actions speak louder than words.      

Family

 
There has been much negativity posted here and with good reason.  But this one will be at least partially different.  I've been clear about my opinions when it comes to biological parents.  This is an f-upped world; therefore, it is f-upped to bring someone into it.  That being said, I'm feeling warm and fuzzy toward my mother, my grandma, and my mother's "boyfriend" (He's older than a boy.).
My car died approximately a year ago.  I don't have the money to buy another.  I could have bought one on credit, but I was really just overwhelmed by the thought of it.  Besides, I'm living on credit cards, and I'm constantly going further into debt.  I have resented my parents for bringing me into this world: especially in the way they did-2 kids fooling around and not using protection.  It's far from an ideal situation.  So I was ignoring my mother for a while.  I've ignored her for years.  But she emailed me, asked me how I was, and I honestly told her.  Not too long after, she asked me if I wanted her car.  If I did, she'd buy another one.  I needed help, so I accepted her generous offer.  After some excited waiting, I finally found out that she had bought a used car and was ready to give me her old car.
So I took the bus to New York City.  I took the subway to Queens, which is where my grandma has lived for decades.  I took the elevator to her apartment, and reunited with my mother and my grandma.  They were both kind and generous to me.  My grandma threw money at me.  Then my mother and I went to her house on Long Island.  I was exhausted, so I went to bed early.  The next day, we had a great morning.  We got along very well.  I was so appreciative of what they had done for me.  My mother let me know that grandma had made it all possible by providing her with the money to buy her car, so she could give me her old one.  My mother's boyfriend did some work on the car and told me some things I needed to know about it.
I made the trip back home a couple of days ago.  I hit crazy traffic in NYC (shocker!), but I got home safely, and now I have a car.  I am very thankful toward my grandma, mother, and her boyfriend.  I am understanding why people say family is so important.    

Life Sucks.

Pain

Sure, I have depression and OCD.  But, virtually every day, I come to the conclusion that life sucks.  I wish I had never been born.  I wish I could just die peacefully and painlessly in my sleep tonight.  But I cling to life because I have hope.  Also, as Matthew McConaughey's character said in the very good TV show, True Detective, "I don't have the constitution to commit suicide."  At least I think I don't.  I wish I did.  I'm very torn.  I want to die, and I feel like continuing to live is just more punishment.  But I want to change the world by helping animals and convincing people to not bring people and animals into this world of brutality and misery. 
I can't get a job.  Even McDonald's wouldn't give me an interview after I applied.
I have no energy.  I walk, becasue I feel compelled to exercise, but also because I have to walk to get food and other supplies I need.
I don't have a car.  I live in a place where you need a car.
I'm living off credit cards and going further and further into debt.  This is very stressful.
It's not just me.  Tons of people are living lives they hate.  How many of us are truly living the lives we want to?  Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Paul McCartney, Pete Townsend, Derek Jeter,  and Messi come to mind. 
The good times never last.  You go out with friends, then it winds down and you're alone again.
I'm the result of a teen pregnancy.  My father left when I was 2 years old, so I was raised by a woman in her early 20's.  That's less than ideal.  I'm a mess.  At least I've never brought anyone into this cruel world.   
My pain is both physical and emotional: everyday.  Life is pain.  Life is misery.  This is my experience.  If it isn't yours, you're lucky.
Before you accuse me of being a bitcher or a moaner, do your research.  Suicide is always one of the leading causes of death.  The CDC asked the media to not report suicides, because that just leads to more (copycat) suicides.  I read that, in the U.S., the number of suicides has increased every single year since 1999.       

World of Misery

I believe this really is a world of misery.  I'm just being real.  I continue to not be able to find a job as I slide further into credit card debt.  I wish that I'd never been born.  Call me a bitcher, call me a whiner; you can even call me a gloomy Gus.  But don't say I'm full of poop.  I'm not full of poop; I'm keeping it real.
I've said it before, but it's worth saying again.  Parenthood is the big lie.  Parents bring their children into this rotten, brutal world.  They do it out of selfishness.  They know this is a cruel world, in which so many people are living miserable lives.  It must be pretty great to wake up in the morning if you're Mick Jagger or Paul McCartney, but for most of the rest of us, it probably isn't.  So many people toil away at jobs they hate, which erode their souls a little more each day.
I've never brought a person or an animal into this violent, vulgar world, and I'm proud of that.  I plan to never do so.  That's all part of the reason why I didn't have sex for 17 years: from age 27-44.  Unfortunately, my parents can't say the same. 
I got a little sidetracked, which happens in this pain-in-the-ass world.  I should explain how biological parents are selfish.  They bring people into this world for themselves.  They want to cheer themselves up.  Maybe they're suicidal, and they want to give themselves a reason to live.  The reality of the situation is that they bring their children into a world that is full of violence, brutality, and misery.  Care to argue with me about that?  How could you possibly do so?
I'm growing tired of this.  I could go on forever like this, but I'm really only posting because I owe one.  This is a little joke I tell myself; I'd kill myself if I had the energy.  Funny, huh?