Cowards

I'd always gotten the asshole vibe from this regular customer at work. He'd made fun of me before, & I'm sick of seeing his ugly face. I work as a lumber cashier at Lowe's, & I see some customers everyday or nearly everyday: frequently multiple times a day. It sucks. This guy is 1 of those customers.
When this guy is there by himself, there aren't problems. But when he has an audience, watch out. He's been there with his kid(s), & asked me, "Are you having fun?" & I've said, no, & he's laughed, which might not sound so bad (Certainly, trust me, it's boring & typical.), but context is everything sometimes. I'm real; that's how I am. If I'm miserable, I have neither the energy nor the inclination to act happy. & I'm frequently miserable at work for good reason; my job sucks.
Lately, this asshole has been coming into Lowe's with a young guy: a teen. So they come to my register. While I'm doing my job, the asshole asks me, "Do you like your job?" He's such an asshole, I was expecting him to laugh when I said, "no," but he didn't. "What's your passion?" he asked. As I mentioned, I'd gotten the asshole vibe from him before, so I didn't answer. he said, "not this?" I said, "no." The teen said, "Are you certified in anything?" "No," I said. "He don't give a fuck about you," the asshole said. "He's angry," 1 of them said as they were leaving. It was humiliating. They ganged up on me. If you don't see it, you had to be there.
I'm such an easy target. I stand there, they approach me, & I have to deal with them. Realistically, to be a cashier at my age means I'm a loser. & that's how they treated me. & people are so shitty, they don't care WHY you're a loser, just that you ARE 1, & therefore, it's OK to treat you like 1. Maybe I'm a loser because I'm the result of a teen pregnancy, my father left when I was 2, my mother has always been cold, selfish, lazy, uncaring, stupid, etc, & I was molested by a family member (the short version).
So that in itself sucked, but it wasn't over. That occurred at the "front end" of the store, where the main exit is. Then, as usual, I moved to the lumber register to relieve the woman who starts there at 6:00 am. So they returned. Fucking great, I thought. Even though he's well into adulthood, I saw the asshole jump onto a cart & ride it a bit.
So they approached me again. The asshole said, "hi." I was still pissed at them, so I said nothing. He laughed & so did the teen. Then he asked, condescendingly, "which register do you like better: this or the other 1?" Again, I said nothing, & again they laughed at me. I'd had enough.
"I don't appreciate you hassling me while I'm trying to pay my bills & keep a roof over my head!" I said very angrily to the asshole. I had bagged his purchases & tossed them hard onto the counter, which may have hit him a little bit, & there was hard stuff in that bag. He looked shocked; I didn't care; I was furious.
"You got it wrong," he said. "I was trying to be nice." "You laughed at me!" I replied. He said, "Yeah, but- (don't recall the rest)."
Then he called me a prick. Obviously, you can get fired for cursing out a customer, so I said, "You are!" The whole time, the teen is smirking at me: so fucking disrespectful & shitty. Then the teen bought an energy drink. I virtually always hand the change to the customers: not this time. I definitively put his change & receipt on the counter; our hands touched a little. I did not thank them for their purchases; again, I virtually always do that. The teen continued to smirk, as he said, "Have a nice day" (sarcastically) to me.
As they were leaving, the asshole loudly said, "What a fucking asshole!" or something like that, which was obviously meant for me. The teen laughed.
For quite a while, hours, afterward, I felt sick: possibly the result of an adrenaline dump. I also had, & still do, some fear. What if they come back to beat the shit out of me? I spend a lot of time alone over there: especially at night. What if 1 or both of them know Karate, etc.?
That's why I titled this "Cowards," because that's what people who fuck with other people while they're working are. It's not fair. He can call me a prick, an asshole, but I can't unless I don't mind getting fired, which doesn't seem so fucking bad, & hasn't for a while now.
Now I can "look forward" to dealing with them again (& again & again).

Human Society: Great for a Few, Horrible for Many

I've probably touched on this before, but I believe that war, terrorism, and mass shootings are generated by life in human society, which, as the title suggests, is fantastic if you're rich and shitty if you're not.  Our society is fake, false, and unfair.  People that come from stupid, shitty, loser families supposedly have the same chances for success as those who come from intelligent, caring, successful families.  It's a bold-faced lie.
Look at Donald Trump: one of the most vile, stupid, and disgusting examples of an asshole the world has ever seen.  His father lent him $14,000,000.  He owns Manhattan real estate.  If you can afford it, buying Manhattan real estate is a no brainer.  Unless it gets wiped off the face of the map, it will always be worth a lot.    
By contrast, most terrorists probably don't have a pot to piss in.  If you have nothing, your life is shit, and you see that others have everything (especially if they have it unfairly), then you might want to lash out at society.  Likewise, many of these mass shooters are society's losers.  Frequently, it's the loss of a job that will set them off.  Many people who have committed suicide couldn't stand being losers in this society. 

Sex Is Disgusting

I would have made a great Puritan (except for being an atheist), because I believe sex is dirty.  However, they thought it was dirty figuratively, while, as far as I'm concerned, it's literally dirty.
The vagina is located perilously close to the bunghole.  So, what so many men, and women, want to do so badly, is to put their genitalia, and mouths (!), a few inches away from an asshole!  Gross!  There are plenty of people out there who fuck, and lick (!!), assholes!  Beyond gross!  Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Making out is gross too.  Tongues are like slugs.  Why would I want my slug to mingle with yours?  Even the tongues of hotties are slug-like.  Mouths are full of spit: so disgusting. 
Regardless, because, like everyone, I am hardwired to want sex, I do.  But I only want legitimate hotties, and they, do to my age, baldness, and financial situation (to name but a few reasons), certainly don't want me.  But, as I just mentioned, I'm not missing out on much.  And women expect to be wined and dined, etc.  If a woman was coming over, I'd have to do a shitload of cleaning.  It's not worth the effort.  I hate cleaning; I only do the bare minimum.  So I live like a slob.  And what are the chances I'd find a vegan I'm attracted to?  I don't think I can be with a meat-eating woman.  It probably just wouldn't work. 
I masturbate virtually every day.  And when I do, I fantasize about the women that I'm very unlikely to seduce, like Jennifer Lawrence.  So why should I settle for a woman that I'm not really attracted to, when, in my mind, I'm having sex with women like J Law?     

Frenemy

I'm trying to let go.  I've been thinking obsessively about my former best friend.  As previously mentioned, I have OCD,  He is a very mean, angry person who has yelled and screamed at me many times for no good reason.  He has kicked me out of his house twice.  I'm very angry about all the shit I've taken from him.
As mentioned previously, I have depression.  I've read books about it.  You're supposed to have friends.  I suppose this is why I've taken so much shit from him.  I was thinking, he's a very angry asshole, but it's better than having no friends.  He knows I have depression, but, obviously, that didn't stop him from being cruel to me.
I'll tell the story of one of the times he kicked me out of his house.  He's an avid gambler.  He talks at length about it, which bores the hell out of me.  Anyway, we were watching a college football game.  As previously mentioned, I don't give a fuck about football, but it was his house, so he had control of the remote.  This happened to be a good game.  One team, that had been way behind, was making an improbable comeback.  I was cheering for them.  My former friend, B, became angry with me, because he had bet against the team.  I couldn't believe it.  He accused me of fucking with him by cheering for the team.  He became very angry.  I pointed out that, if he was losing his bet, it was his fault, and his fault alone, because he placed the bet.  He kicked me out of his house over that bullshit.
I could go on and on about what an asshole he has been to me, and perhaps I'll add to this.  But I'm just trying to let go of my obsessive anger.     

Arrested

I used to be able to say that I've never been arrested: not any more.  I am a memoirist, so, for now, I'm thinking I'll save the full story for another one of my seldom-read eBooks.  Suffice it to say that I'm at the lowest point in my life so far, and that's saying something. 
I've been dealing with the aftermath: court appearances, appointments with lawyers, and asking my job to let me go to these things.  I have a long road of pain-in-the-ass shit ahead.
Also, this has been a very shitty weekend as far as my asshole neighbor fucking with me goes. 
I'm thinking I don't care about my life anymore.  Because of the depression I have, I've thought that the further I slide to the bottom, the better.  I'd rather be dead than alive.  I'm only alive because I'm a coward: too scared to commit suicide.  Life is a nightmare.  It really is.  And when I read stuff written by intelligent people, they back me up on this.  It really is insane that people procreate they way they do and continue this cycle of misery, pain, and suffering.  But I'm just repeating myself. 
Fuck life in society on this planet.  Life is shit (in society) on this planet.  I'd throw it all away and be homeless in the wilderness if I wasn't addicted to toilet paper and showers.  Fuck you society, for getting me addicted to toilet paper and showers: the only good things you came up with.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day here in the states, where so few have so much, and so many have so little.  Here is my Mother's Day message to my mother: FUCK YOU!  I'm also sending that out to all the other shitty mothers: fuck you too.  I hate my mother.  It makes sense to hate your parents.  They brought you into a world of violence, misery, pain, and shit.
Mother's Day and Father's Day are very backwards "holidays."  Instead of honoring biological (I have absolutely nothing against good adoptive parents.) mothers and fathers on these days, perhaps we should beat the shit out of them instead.  That would make more sense.
I was gonna write this post anyway, but, before I left work, I had to deal with 2 assholes, which only solidified my position that my mother is a cunt that deserves to be hated.
Also today, as I walked by some Canadian geese, one of them hissed at me.  It was because she was worried about her babies.  She was warning me to stay away from them.  I smiled at her and told her she had nothing to worry about.  She's a much better mother than mine ever was.   
I'll tell a little story about my mother.  Only a few years ago, I had moved in with my mother because I needed help.  I had tried to commit suicide, so I thought my policy of being alone might not be working.  Anyway, I was walking down the street I had grown up on.  Just before I reached my mother's house, some guy in a car stopped me.  "Excuse me," he said.  "But we've been having some burglaries on this street lately.  What are you doing here?"  I don't remember exactly what he said, but ti was definitely something like that.  It must have seemed so strange to see someone walking when most fat asses wouldn't dream of doing that: just drive everywhere.  So this asshole obviously thinks he has more rights that the police do.  
I pointed at the house I grew up in, and said, "That's my mother's house.  I grew up here."  Then he backed off.  I know I was pissed off, as I had every right to be, so I said something that made him give me a dirty look and say, "Okay, okay, " as though I was the asshole: not him.  That's when my mother made the scene.  She's an attention whore.  She saw me talking to someone, and she had to get involved.  She desperately needs attention.  The situation was explained to her, but instead of being angry at the man for accusing her son of being a criminal, she had a friendly chat with him, because attention is more important to her than her son is.
You might be thinking, that's not so bad.  Well, I know my mother, and I know she's stupid, lazy, uncaring, and selfish.
I'll tell another story about her.  As a teen, I was molested by a male family member because she failed to protect me.  She knew he was gay, but she allowed him to sleep in the same room as me.  Now, I know that being gay doesn't make you a child molester, but this one was.  I told no one about it until after he died.  Then I told my mother.  Every time I mentioned it to her, I've been disappointed with her reactions.  I don't know if she doesn't believe me or what the problem is.  When I went to stay with her, after my suicide attempt, I saw a certain picture displayed proudly on her bookcase: a framed photo of my molester.  It wasn't just him; his sisters were in it too, but what sort of a mother would display a picture of her son's molester in her home?  I confronted her about it, and she acted like she couldn't believe how jerky I was acting as she waddled her fat ass over to the photo and put it in a drawer.  What a piece of shit.