Life Is a Pain in the Ass

 
Until death,
Teeth will need to be brushed.
Teeth will need to be flossed.
Hands will need to be washed.
Arms will need to be washed.
Genitals will need to be washed.
Asses will need to be washed.
Feet will need to be washed.
Legs will need to be washed.
Faces will need to be washed.
Bald heads will need to be washed.
Necks will need to be washed.
Armpits will need to be washed.
Sweeping will need to be done.
Dusting will need to be done.
Mopping will need to be done.
Work will need to be done.
Laundry will need to be done.
Suffering will need to be done.
Misery will be experienced.
Pain will be felt.
Bodies will deteriorate with age.
Minds will deteriorate with age.
Loneliness will be experienced.
Sickness will be dealt with.
Diseases will be contracted.
Shoelaces will need to be tied.
Death will be dealt with.
Fingernails will need to be cut.
Toenails will need to be cut.
Hair will need to be washed.
Hair will need to be cut.
Hair will need to be combed.
Windows will need to be opened.
Windows will need to be closed.
Dishes will need to be washed.
Ovens will need to be cleaned.
Batteries will have to be replaced.
Car problems will need to be dealt with.
Warts will need to be dealt with.
STDs will need to be dealt with.
Phones will need to be charged.
Bills will need to be paid.
Presents will need to be bought.
Cards will need to be sent.
Asses will need to be wiped.
Toilets will need to be flushed.
Shopping will need to be done.
Food will need to be eaten.
Food will need to be prepared.
Toilets will need to be cleaned.
Tubs will need to be cleaned.
Garbage must be thrown out.
Grass will need to be cut.
Leaves must be raked.
Bushes will need to be trimmed.
Coffee must be made.
Sunscreen will need to be applied.
Shaving must be done.
Saving must be done.
Lights must be turned on.
Lights must be turned off.
TVs must be turned on.
TVs must be turned off.
Music must be turned on.
Music must be turned off.
Music will need to be turned up.
Music will need to be turned down.
Commuting will need to be done.
Vacuuming will need to be done.
Clothes must be worn.
Clothes must be taken off.
Deodorant must be applied.
Peeing will need to be done.
Pooping will need to be done.
Farting will need to be done.
Bleeding will need to be done.
Zits will need to be popped.

Let's Go to the Beach!

The kiss

Bumpkin, her sisters (Lucinda and Sloopy), and I were enjoying a quiet morning in our apartment.  We were watching TV, and we were looking at a beach.  Neither of the sisters had ever seen such a thing. 
"Yo, dummy," said Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.
"Is there anything like that around here?"
"Sure.  The ocean isn't very close, but we live near Lake Ontario."
"Is there a beach there?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good, we're going," declared Bumpkin.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight.
"Great idea, Mistress Bumpkin," I said.  I'll pack lunch and other things we might need: like sunscreen."
"What is sunscreen?" asked Bumpkin.
"Well, it's not something you, Sloopy, and Lucinda need to worry about, because your skin is covered with fur, which protects you from the sun's harmful rays.  But people, like me, really need to put it on, so, hopefully, we won't get skin cancer."
"Whatever.  Hurry up.  We're all ready to go," said Bumpkin.
"Yes, ma'am."  I got off my duff and got busy.  I packed a nice lunch for all of us and I didn't forget the sunscreen.  Then I took off my pajamas so I could change into my swimsuit.  While I was completely naked, the door to the bathroom opened.  Bumpkin, Lucinda, and Sloopy were all staring at  my nude body.  Then they all began to laugh hysterically.
Bumpkin briefly stopped laughing long enough to ask, "What the heck is that thing dangling between your legs?"
"First of all, Bumpkin, it's not nice to open the bathroom door, without knocking first, when someone is in there.  And that 'thing' is called a penis."
They all laughed harder now.  Sloopy and Lucinda were rolling around on the floor.
"First of all, dummy, I do whatever I want, whenever I want to, and if you  have a problem with that, I'll hit your little penis with a fireball," replied Bumpkin, which led to more laughter.  Tears of joy were streaming down the faces of Sloopy and Lucinda.
"Yes, ma'am."
"It is so ugly," said Bumpkin.
"Even though it is a part of me, I simply must agree with you.  I think penises are ugly too."
"What the heck do you do with that thing?" asked Bumpkin.
"Well, I use it to go pee pee, and it also can be used to make babies."
"How?  How does that thing make babies?"
I sighed heavily.  "I'll tell you on the way to the beach, okay?"  Holy cow.  I don't have any kids, so I never thought I'd have to explain to anyone where babies come from.  I certainly never fathomed that I'd need to explain it to a groundhog.  I never signed up for that: no, sir.

TO BE CONTINUED...