(I, not Cobain, am responsible for highlighting (bold) words.)
"To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously
would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should
be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since
my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with
independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very
true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating
music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel
guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic
roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it
did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and
adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy.
The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to
you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by
faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as
if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've
tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe
me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have
affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those
narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too
sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms
I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the
people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still
can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for
everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too
much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little,
sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy
it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a
daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and
joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do
her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely
function.
I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable,
self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of
seven,
I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because
it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because
I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your
letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic,
moody baby!
I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's
better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!"
