I Got Time to Blog

Groundhog.

It was so smart of me to mention the standup comedy contest.  I just failed to advance to the finals.  But it was only my second time doing it, and it went much better than the first time.  It was a good crowd, though.  I was lucky to perform in front of a house that was nearly full.
I've previously mentioned here that I've seen nasty birds pecking at, and, I assumed, bullying groundhogs.  But I recently saw something quite strange.  A bird went so far as to jump onto the back of a groundhog, who seemed to do nothing to get the rider off of her.  The bird pecked at the groundhog, and I couldn't help wondering if the purpose of the pecking is to remove bugs from the groundhog's fur.  After all, as cute as they look, I don't know how clean they are.  They live outside: mostly underground, so I suppose they have to deal with their share of parasitic bugs.
I'm so happy to have met a very nice vegan woman.  We had a date, and it went very well.  It's more important that someone I'm dating be vegan or vegetarian than anything else.  It doesn't hurt that she's very pretty with a great smile.  I'm so glad she let me cuddle with her.  For those that don't know, touching, even non-sexual, is so incredibly beneficial to those being touched.  Massage, for instance, can do a world of good to someone.  It can help heal physical ailments.
Once again, I felt the need to intervene on behalf of my beloved groundhogs.  I heard kids talking around the area where the groundhog home is.  I looked out the window, and a kid was trying to fill the hole they live in with debris.
"Stop doing that," I said out the window.
The 2 kids looked up at me.  "Why?"  one of them asked defiantly.
"Cause there are animals living in there," I replied.
"Do they bite?" the kid asked.
I did not answer that.  I should have.  They certainly bite each other; that's for sure.
This kid did something strange.  He proudly pulled a $10 bill from his pocket and showed it to me.  "I'll give you $10 if I can fill this hole," he said with all kinds of braggadocio, as though $10, in his world, equaled a million dollars.
I declined his offer, and eventually, they left.  I went out there to clear whatever he had put in the hole.  The branch was the easy part, but he also had thrown a rock down there that I wasn't able to reach: even with my baseball bat.  But I was overjoyed to see that, later, the groundhogs had gone out anyway.  That rock hadn't stopped them, and that was the important thing.  

Bumpkin Likes to Cuddle

My cuddle buddy: Bumpkin

She really does.  Ever since I told Bumpkin I'd read, in an least 2 psychology books, that touching has great therapeutic benefits, she has insisted that I cuddle with her regularly.  That's fine with me.  It's good for me and it's probably good for her too.  Trust me, it's totally innocent and platonic.  Bumpkin's getting into enough rambunctiousness as it is; I can only wonder how she'll act when she's older, like when she's entered groundhog adolescence.
"Give me a massage," she ordered.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  As instructed, I began to rub her tiny feminine groundhog shoulders (upper).
"Oh, yeah," Bumpkin moaned, "that's good."
"I'm glad your enjoying it, Miss Bumpkin."
"How many groundhogs have you massaged before me?"
As much as I love and respect Bumpkin, that was a heck of a stupid question.  "None, Bumpkin.  You're my first."
"It seems to Bumpkin like you've been doing this your whole life.  You are a great masseuse of groundhogs.  No matter where I go, you will be my personal masseuse.  Or, if I find someone better than you, then you will be the personal masseuse of one of my sisters.  And, of course, should you lose one or both of your hands, I will replace you." 
"That's great news ma'am."
"You don't seem to be as excited as I thought you'd be.  Don't you realize how safe you'll be?  Every human who refuses to submit to my whole world rule will be slaughtered.  There will be tons of carnage.  The resulting bloodbath will make the Civil War look like a picnic."
"Wow.  You know about the Civil War?"
"Of course, I've seen quite a bit of the stuff Ken Burns made about it.  It's very informational.  What it's missing completely is the groundhog perspective on the Civil War.  Make a note: I'm going to make a Civil War documentary that explores the groundhog perspective on the war."
"Yes, ma'am."  I pulled the pad out of my pocket in which I wrote down all of her ideas she told me to write down.  I didn't bother to tell her that most groundhogs don't watch or own televisions, because she'd probably launch an effort to get TVs to groundhogs.  Moreover, I'd probably have to lug TVs all over the place, and I don't know how they'll fit in groundhog's holes.  That's why I didn't open that particular can of worms.