Trapped

I am trapped

in this skin
in this broken body
in this damaged brain that is afflicted with depression and OCD
with these ears that are always ringing
in this shitty, painful life
in this dirty apartment
in this suffering situation
in this shit "career"
in this sad, pathetic existence
in this sick society
on this ultra-violent planet of misery

Plans

If I'm finally able to kill myself, these are some potential plans.  The first is to bring a bottle of acetaminophen and a water bottle full of antifreeze to a nearby bridge.  I'll find a discreet spot to eat a lot of acetaminophen and wash it down with antifreeze.  Then, knowing that both acetaminophen and antifreeze deaths are extremely painful, I'm hoping that knowledge would give me the courage to jump off the bridge.  I'd be fucked anyway, so I might as well.  It only takes a moment of courage (or insanity) to jump to one's death. 
Another plan has me putting my head on a rail so a train wheel can crush it.  That takes some kind of courage or insanity, though.  Although, again, a toxic diet might help me find the courage or insanity.  There is a place where I walk, along the Eric Canal, that is close to train tracks, and a lot of trains pass by there.
Hanging myself was the first method I thought of.  But I've tried to hang myself before, and it didn't work out.  Success depends on getting the logistics right, or you can end up on your toes, like I did.  However, young children have hanged themselves, and, if they can do it, so can I.

Hell Is Other People

I'm really down at this point: even more than usual.  My credit card debt is out of control.  It's never far from my mind.  I'm obsessed with it: and for good reason.  This month, I probably won't be able to make my minimum monthly payments for the first time.  Of course, for a while now, the only reason why I was able to make those payments is by taking out monthly cash advances from my credit cards.  I was just denied a debt consolidation loan by Lending Club.  I sent an application to a local low-cost legal aid organization for help with filing for bankruptcy.  I'm waiting to hear from them.  I don't know if they'll help me or not.
Suicide seems more and more like the best option.  It's too hard, though.  It' should be easy.  If you're an adult, and no one is depending on you (kids, pets), then you should be able to go to a pharmacy and purchase pills that will kill you peacefully and painlessly in your sleep.  I'm not a bad guy.  I don't deserve to die a painful death.  I don't deserve to fail and end up paralyzed.  I could jump off a nearby bridge, but what if it didn't kill me?  I'd be a total mess.
Every day brings more and more reasons to die.  At work, some customers treat me like shit.  One of them bragged to me about how much money he has.  He started with, "It's nice to have money."  Then he told me his father-in-law is a millionaire, and he saved $300,000 from a job.  Now he has a job that pays him better than the other one.  I'm consumed with my very depressing financial situation, and this prick rubs his money in my face.
I've really come to dislike a coworker of mine.  She happens to be a young, attractive woman (stupid and boring, though).  She and I started at this company at the same time.  However, she must see herself as some sort of a leader.  When I'm working next to her (which I'd rather not), she doesn't mind her own fucking business and instead pays attention to what's going on with me.  I'll be doing something, and she'll start instructing me.  The problem is that I don't need her instruction; I'm doing just fine.  It's distracting and annoying.  
And to top it all off, I'm reading a book that mentions suicide repeatedly.  It is so hard to get through work.  It's so hard to get through the day.  It's so hard to live.