I'd Rather Be Dead

That's my idea of a bumper sticker.  A popular bumper sticker is "I'd rather be fishing."  I wonder if mine could catch on. 
I think death is better than life.  With death, all the shit that bothers you just goes away.  Perhaps anything that brings me closer to death is a good thing.  My neighbors make me want to be dead.  I've had to listen to their too-loud TV coming through the wall for hours today.  They've ruined yet another one of my days off from work.  Shitting and wiping my ass brings me closer to death.  I hate it. 
My neighbors would probably love it if I killed myself.  That's not a very pleasant thought, but it's a real one.  But that's another great thing about death.  You're not even capable of caring what people think about you.  Even if you wanted to, you couldn't.   
I've tried to get help for depression.  I might get strangled by red tape.  I have to wait till 1/1/18 to get healthcare from my job.  I've tried to get it from the gov't's website, but I keep getting stuck at a certain spot, and I'm pretty sure it's their fault, not mine. 
I'm having trouble typing today, so I suppose I'll wrap it up.  I'm having a bad day.  I'm having a bad life.

Arrested

I used to be able to say that I've never been arrested: not any more.  I am a memoirist, so, for now, I'm thinking I'll save the full story for another one of my seldom-read eBooks.  Suffice it to say that I'm at the lowest point in my life so far, and that's saying something. 
I've been dealing with the aftermath: court appearances, appointments with lawyers, and asking my job to let me go to these things.  I have a long road of pain-in-the-ass shit ahead.
Also, this has been a very shitty weekend as far as my asshole neighbor fucking with me goes. 
I'm thinking I don't care about my life anymore.  Because of the depression I have, I've thought that the further I slide to the bottom, the better.  I'd rather be dead than alive.  I'm only alive because I'm a coward: too scared to commit suicide.  Life is a nightmare.  It really is.  And when I read stuff written by intelligent people, they back me up on this.  It really is insane that people procreate they way they do and continue this cycle of misery, pain, and suffering.  But I'm just repeating myself. 
Fuck life in society on this planet.  Life is shit (in society) on this planet.  I'd throw it all away and be homeless in the wilderness if I wasn't addicted to toilet paper and showers.  Fuck you society, for getting me addicted to toilet paper and showers: the only good things you came up with.

Rough Week

 
I was so sure I wasn't afraid of death, but, apparently, I am.  I sort of tried to hang myself.  It didn't work out.  I felt so claustrophobic with that noose around my neck.  Also, I lack the engineering ability, or determination, to hang myself in my home (it seems).  If one is determined enough, one can hang oneself from a doorknob.  I suppose I'm not determined enough (yet).
So, as previously mentioned, jumping was next on my mind.  I walked to the bridge of death.  First, I prepared: not only online, but with a note and as far as what I had on me.  What if I almost jumped, but didn't, and, as a result, stuff I needed fell out of my pockets and into the river?  So I walked to the bridge and looked down.  It really would be a miracle if I, or anyone else, survived jumping from the bridge and onto the river rocks below.  I had doubts about being able to do it prior to arriving there.  But once I looked down, I was done.  The thought of falling that distance was so f*cking scary.  I walked home.
Since then, I've been thinking of other methods.  Although, all in all, today was a pretty good day.  They always start badly.  I hate waking up.  I really wish I could just die, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  Again, exercise really helped my mood.  It can change things for the better.
So I'm alive for now.  I really hate my parents.  They thoughtlessly brought me into this world, and this is the sort of shit I have to deal with as a result.           

Mind Alive

 
My mind is alive today.  I spent yesterday with my closest human friend (My friends consist of dogs, cats, and squirrels as well.).  He is a biological parent.  I finally told him my true feelings about biological parenthood.  I think it is "messed-up" (edited) for people to bring other people, and animals, into this brutal world.  This resulted in a spirited discussion.  My friend, who I'll call Herb, is an intense debater.  If he disagrees with something I said, he'll tell me.  He disagreed with the statement I made.  He said that he thinks "virtually everyone" is happy.  Now I disagree with that statement vehemently.  Just take a look at the suicide rate.  Suicide is consistently a leading cause of death worldwide.  Forgive me if you're aware I've written this here before, but it's only one sentence, and I think it bears repeating.  The American media, by and large, does not report suicides (with the obvious exceptions of stars like Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams), because the CDC has asked them not to.  Why?  Because when the media reports suicides, it leads to more (copycat) suicides. 
Forgive me, I believe I'm currently experiencing hypomania, which has been redlined here (and "redlined" too, but I'll use it anyway), but The New York Times uses this word, and if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me.  I'm irritable.  I think it's becasue I smoked with Herb yesterday.  According to him, he and "virtually" everyone else are happy as clams (Which is a good one.  Do you think clams are happy?  I don't.), but, as he himself has admitted, he self medicates.
When I told Herb how I feel, and he disagreed, and I admitted my philosophies are based on my own experiences, his response was predictable: "Boo-freaking-hoo. (edited)"  I'm a cry baby.  I'm a whiner.  I'm not afraid to be called a whiner.  I used to be a whiner, then I realized that nobody gave a damn, because everyone has their own problems to deal with.  So I stopped being a whiner.  But I recently thought that "Don't be a whiner." is just a way for the insanity to continue.   "I'm miserable, my life isn't going the way I want it to, but I won't whine about it.  Then I'll bring one or more people into the world, and if they're miserable, I'll tell them to stop whining."  And the vicious cycle continues.
Herb also said that people aren't gonna wanna hang out with someone who thinks that life sucks.  That's understandable, but it's more important to me to be REAL.