Dark Days

 
I just took out another $1,000 cash advance on my credit card so I can pay my rent and the minimum payments on my credit cards this month.  If I don't get a job and make some money, or extend the credit line on one of my cards, or acquire a new credit card, then I will be able to do this for a maximum of one month more.
I'm looking for a job.  They don't want me.  I'm human garbage.  I hate waking up.  I wish I could die, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  It occurred to me it's strange that people even read this blog (It gets page views.).  It's really f*cking dark (but also real, when so much is phony).  And, even if I do kill myself, it won't happen here.  I'll just stop blogging, because dead people don't blog.
It seems like any day can be the day.  After all, I've attempted suicide before.  I pretty much have 2 choices; I can hang myself or jump.  I think hanging is the better choice, because it seems to involve less suffering.  The problem is that it involves a set up.  Jumping is much more spontaneous.  There is a bridge, within walking distance, that, I'm pretty sure, would do the job.  In fact, I went for a walk today, and I walked right under it.  I'd have a choice.  I could jump into the river, which would be very shallow there, or I could land on a street.  The river is preferable, because, if I survived the fall, it would take longer to rescue me if I was in the water than if I was on the road.  I don't want to be "saved."  What bothers me most about jumping is the pain.. If I don't die instantly, the pain is likely to be very intense.  And who knows how long the pain will last?  The thought of my body hitting that street, or the river rocks, is a horrible one.  I don't deserve that.
Then there's the issue of whether I want to die free (outside) or in my prison (my apt, where, as I mentioned, my neighbor has tormented me).  So it's a complicated choice.  Also, jumping would mean going out on a thrill.  It's a tough choice.       

The Week in Wildlife: Life and Death

Baby Phoebe with mama Veronica

This is the week I realized I have new neighbors: baby groundhogs.  Love those groundhogs: especially the babies.  I had been out, and before going up to my home, I figured I'd take a peek at the groundhog hole that's been right next to my building for at least as long as I've been living here: a few years.  I saw some kids plugging up that hole with debris one day last year.  I told them to stop doing that, then I cleared the stuff out so the groundhogs could use it again.  That, and other incidents, have convinced me that I am my (groundhog) brother's keeper.  So I just wanted to make sure the hole was clear.  I peeked around the corner of the building and saw two baby groundhogs poking their little heads out of the hole and looking at me.  What a great surprise.  There are at least four of them, and they are currently the size of little fur balls.  I've taken some photos, but I need to take as many as I can, because they grow up quickly.   
While I was out walking, I saw a police car.  The cop turned the flashing lights and siren on.  Then he or she put the pedal to the metal.  Unfortunately, a sparrow was crossing the road.  If the cop hadn't been accelerating so rapidly; everything probably would have been fine.  But the police car hit the poor sparrow, which threw her violently into the street.  It was a horrible thing for someone like me (a lover of all animals) to witness, and I had a front row seat.  She flapped her wings some, and she managed to get a little bit off the ground, but, ultimately, she faltered.  Within seconds, she was dead.  On the way back, I noticed that she had been squashed completely: probably by a car's tire. 
Maybe I was meant to see that.  My car died this past fall.  I haven't replaced it yet.  One of the good things about that is not being able to hit an animal with my car.  As far as I know, I've never hit an animal with a car I was driving.  As far as I'm concerned, one of the worst things I could do is hit an animal with a car.  I hate seeing road kill.  It's a real shame how us humans have made life so horrible and dangerous for countless animals.  Maybe I'll be able to afford to live in NYC again one day.  You truly don't need a car there, and that's a great thing.        

Holy Hell!

Lucinda

Today is the worse of two bad days in a row.  Yesterday, I realized that I lost my cell phone Saturday night.  Then I went for a walk and got bit by a dog.  It was ridiculous.  I was walking past a dog grooming shop.  To my left, I saw two dogs.  One was being walked by a woman, the other by a young girl.  The young girl let go of the leash, the woman yelled, and the dog approached me.  She was a cute small dog, and I love animals, so I was kind of like "hi."  Then the dog sunk her teeth into my right leg.  Holy crap!  I was shocked.  I started running down the street with the dog chasing me.
Unbelievably, the woman yelled to me, "Don't worry; she doesn't bite."
"She already did!" I yelled while running away from the biter.  It, again, was ridiculous.  The woman was trying to get the dog on the loose, Bella, while holding on to the leash of the other dog.  Bella had broken my skin in 4 places, and now I have at least 1 bruise there. 
She kept yelling, "Bella!" but it didn't seem to do any good.
Meanwhile, I became concerned.  This dog was off the leash right next to a busy street.  I was worried that she would get hit by a car.  So I ran into a parking lot: hoping she would follow me.  She did.  I was a little shocked, I was angry, and I decided I'd had enough, so I continued my walk.  Then I started to think about things like rabies.  If an animal, that's infected with rabies, bites you, it can kill you.  So I walked back toward the woman.  She was still yelling Bella's name, and she was still on the loose.  I yelled to her, "Does she have her shots?!"
"Yes" she answered.
So I walked on.  I got to my destination, turned around, and walked toward home again.  I don't have health insurance, but I have been to a free clinic around here.  They will treat you, but they ask for a $10 donation.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to die.  I got the idea to go into the groomer's and see if that woman was there.  If she was, I would ask her for money.  Why should I have to pay to make sure I'm not gonna die from rabies?  I went in there, but I did not see her.  By the way, she didn't even apologize to me.  I did think to write down the phone number of the groomer's, which was on a sign in front of the shop.  When I got home, the first order of business was to call the groomer's and ask if they make sure the dogs have their shots before grooming them.  The nice woman on the end of the phone insisted that they do.  She pretty much put my mind at ease.
Today, I went to pick up my cell phone from where I lost it.  On the way back, my car overheated and started belching smoke.  Then it did what it never did before; it failed to get me to my destination.  I didn't have my AAA card on me, so I walked home (from the highway).  It took me 40 minutes to get home.  I was at home, on the phone with AAA, when someone rang my buzzer.  My first instinct was to ignore it.  Then I thought, what if it has something to do with my car?  Sure enough, a NY state trooper was at the door.  He asked if my car broke down.  I said yes, and that I'm trying to deal with it.  Then he let me know it had already been towed.  It turned out to be $150.  It would have cost nothing, or a little more than nothing, if AAA had towed it.  I called a nearby garage and told them what happened.  The mechanic on the phone seemed to think it might be an expensive problem.  I asked the towing company to tow it to this garage.  This has been a pretty difficult 2-day period.