I Must Be Crazy

I don't give a fuck about my job.  I don't give a fuck about my life.
Today is a day off.  The last few days at work have really sucked.  You see, if I see someone that has some of our merchandise approaching the exit of the store I work at, and I can see that they didn't buy it in that area of the store, I'm supposed to ask to see their receipt, even if they are carrying the stuff in one of our plastic bags.  Obviously, someone could grab a bag, put stuff in it, and walk out while acting as though they bought it.  Although, as I've been obsessively thinking about the events of the past few days, I realize that I've never seen a particular head cashier, who's been working at this store longer than me, ever check a customer's receipt, and that's part of her job.  She spends a lot of time standing by the main exit.  Regardless, she received an award at the last store meeting, because she "seems to never have a bad day."  Maybe she'd have more "bad" days if she was confronting people who were trying to leave the store.  She's also hot as hell, which would explain why she'd get away with anything.
A few days ago, I asked to see a customer's receipt and he was a total prick to me.  It's happened before.  It's not fun.
But, two days ago, a couple of guys exited the area of the store where I was working holding plastic bags with stuff in them.  I didn't ask to see their receipts.  I don't always do it.  I don't like doing it, because I don't like it when people are rude as hell to me, as they sometimes are when I do that.  Later, those guys came back: one of them bringing stuff in one of our bags into the store.  This time, I would confront them.  As they were leaving, I walked up to them and asked to see a receipt.  One of them said, "That's rude" to me.
"That's store policy," I replied.
He got very angry very quickly.  "Don't you see he's got a bag?" he yelled at me.
I walked away and said something about how I don't appreciate being yelled at.  I think his buddy tried to get him to leave as he was leaving, but he said, "No.  He might call the police."  He aggressively got very close to me and continued to yell at me.  I was so worried he was going to hit me, that I backed away from him a few feet.  He pulled a receipt out and yelled, "Do you want to see it?!" multiple times.  Finally, a coworker heard all the yelling and walked over to me, so that he was standing next to me.  The asshole left soon after.  Then I heard one of them laughing loudly outside the building.  I suppose he was laughing at me: the pussy.
I've since realized it's stupid to be a corporate tool.  I should put my ass on the line, I should put my health and safety at risk, for the sake of the owner, who must be rich as hell, highly-paid executives, or wealthy shareholders?  That's crazy.  We have a concrete floor.  Someone could knock me out, and my skull could fracture after it hit that unforgivingly hard floor.  It would be fine if I was murdered; that would be great.  But what if I was crippled?  What if I was injured so badly that I was paralyzed from the waist, or the neck, down?  Then I'd really have a reason to bitch and moan. 
So I need to be smarter about this receipt-checking business.  I should probably ask to see it while I'm behind the counter at least, so there is a barrier between me and him (or them).  Of course, someone could go around the counter, or throw a punch over it.  It should be a judgment call: based on how threatening the person (or people) appear to be.  Most of all, I need to protect myself.  This store rakes in millions of dollars a year, despite what people steal from it.  I need to protect my own skin more than other people's money. 

Pets

my ex-girlfriend's dog

I have mentioned the benefits of writing here.  It helps one remember things.  One can thoroughly explore an issue and save that information for posterity.  For instance, while I was drinking and smoking weed, I began, and added, to a document on my computer called "STOP DRINKING AND SMOKING," which listed reasons why I should do that, and now I've been clean and sober since 7/31/16. 
The question of whether to get a pet or not is very complicated for me.  The first thing that comes to mind is they make me happy.  I love all animals, but especially dogs.  I love cats too, but I have had less experience with them.  Some of my happiest memories involve playing ball with my ex-girlfriend's dog.  She loves playing ball so much.  She has so much fun, it's inevitable that whoever's playing with her will have fun too.  I am alone.  I am untouched.  Touching is important.  Companionship is important.  Petting a pet is therapeutic.  Pets can extend your life, because they improve the quality of it.
But there are drawbacks.  I hate the thought of a pet being alone while his or her mom or dad is at work for over 8, 9, etc. hours.  What if a fire started, and the pet couldn't escape?  That would destroy me.  There's also a loss of freedom involved.  My ex-girlfriend adopted a dog, Barney, while we were living together, who became the love of my life.  He's gone now, but I still love him more than anyone, human or animal, I have ever known.  But, whenever I was using my computer, I'd feel guilty, cause I was ignoring him.  I don't think he understood it.  He may have thought, "Why are you staring at that thing when you could be petting me?"  And that's a good question.  However, I feel a need to get on the computer and write.  There are also issues with traveling.  Dogs need to be walked: even when one doesn't feel like it (shitty weather).   
Then there's the vegan question.  I haven't spent money on meat, milk, or eggs since 2002.  Can I have a vegan dog or cat?  Someone tweeted a picture of their 10-year-old vegan dog, and he looked healthy and happy.  I don't want to support the slaughterhouse in any way, shape, or form, even if the food is for a pet. 
I recently mentioned Lyme disease.  Can you really keep ticks off a dog or cat?  If not, they could transfer a Lyme-disease-ridden tick to me.  Of course it would be horrible if the pet got Lyme disease.  Knowing what I do about the disease, I am terrified of it.  Anyone who is at risk should be too.
The added expense is also an issue.  As I've previously mentioned, I don't make a lot of money, and, as a result, I'm frugal.  However, I definitely believe pets are more than worth any money you spend on them.  One of the biggest problems with society is money being more important than life, which is horrible.
Not being able to communicate can be frustrating.  Your pet could be in pain, and you might not know it.  Is my pet suffering or not?  The worry, and the uncertainty, could be frustrating and devastating.
Pets can get on one's nerves (again, usually because of communication issues).  A lot of things get on my nerves.  Adding to that list might not be such a great idea.
I've mentioned my OCD, and issues I have with poop.  This is where I favor cats.  I think they lick their own assholes, which is gross, but at least they have clean assholes.  I think a poopy dog ass would bother me quite a bit.  Would it be fair to a dog to expose him or her to my disorder?
When you get a pet, you are making a commitment to take care of him or her for the rest of his or her life (or your life).  That is what I believe.  That's quite a commitment to make, and I haven't made it before.  My ex-girlfriend adopted Barney against my wishes.  I didn't want to have to walk a dog, and pick up shit, regularly.  Regardless, I never once suggested that she get rid of him.
I hate the fact that people have pets that ever get to go outside; I consider them to be "cute prisoners."  I could go on for quite a while about this, but I certainly disagree with making an animal spend most of his or her time in a tiny space.  I strongly disagree with keeping fish in tanks and birds in cages.  It's just plain cruel to not allow a bird to fly and be free.  Therefore, if I had a cat, I would take him or her outside.  I can picture the looks of contempt people would give me.  "You don't walk a cat," is what they'd likely be thinking.  Fuck them, and fuck being "normal!" 
Of course, life is fragile, and I could die at any time: making my pet an orphan.  My pet could even die of hunger or thirst if he or she wasn't rescued in time.  I could become paralyzed from a car accident, or stroke, and therefore unable to take care of him or her anymore. 
Which brings us to the most important reason why I wouldn't get a pet.  If I had a pet, I believe I would not allow myself to commit suicide.  It wouldn't be fair to him or her.  I need to have the freedom to do that at anytime.  I have no kids, pets, wife, girlfriend, or friends, which means, as far as I'm concerned, I'm good to go.  I'm allowed to kill myself.  I am now back on antidepressants as of a few days now.  But knowing that I can kill myself at anytime, and escape from this hellhole, gives me a certain amount of peace that I don't want to relinquish.
   

Don't Bring Them Into This World

If you don't want your children to be bullied, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be perturbed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be frustrated, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be insulted, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be humiliated, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be harassed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be beaten, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be injured, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live with disabilities, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live with autism, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live with severe peanut allergies, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be kidnapped, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be molested, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a stalker, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be raped, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be suffocated, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be strangled, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be shot, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be stabbed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to drown, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be murdered, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be tortured, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to become paralyzed from the waist or neck down, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to lose one or more body parts, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be casualties of war, don't bring them into this world
If you don't want your children to be victims of terrorism, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of genocide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a car accident, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a tsunami, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of an earthquake, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a hurricane, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a flood, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a tornado, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a fire, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to get struck by lightning, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of an avalanche, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a volcano eruption, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a landslide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of rockslide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a mudslide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a sinkhole, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of an infrastructure failure (sudden bridge collapse), don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to get cancer, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to feel pain, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to suffer, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be miserable, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to have to deal with shitty, selfish neighbors, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be overwhelmed with all the shit, as people living in society, they have to remember, think about, and do, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to suffer from loneliness, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to suffer from desperation, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to spend much of their lives working at jobs they hate, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to eventually be too tired to work, which, of course, would compromise their ability to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be discriminated against, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be hated, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be fired, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be unemployed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live in poverty, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be homeless, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to envy the talent and success of others, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to feel as though others are rubbing their success and money in their faces, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to feel as though you're a loser, because you're not successful, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live in fear, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be looked down upon, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to have to deal with shit, both figurative and literal, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be depressed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be depressed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to become alcoholics, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to become drug addicts, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to become insane, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be arrested, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to go to prison, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be convicted, incarcerated, and executed for a crime they didn't commit, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to pray for death, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to hate you for bringing them into this world, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to commit suicide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to experience the deterioration of their minds and bodies as a result of aging, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to deal with the deaths of friends and loved ones, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to die alone, don't bring them into this world.

If you want to keep your children safe, don't bring them into this world.
 

Hell Is Other People

I'm really down at this point: even more than usual.  My credit card debt is out of control.  It's never far from my mind.  I'm obsessed with it: and for good reason.  This month, I probably won't be able to make my minimum monthly payments for the first time.  Of course, for a while now, the only reason why I was able to make those payments is by taking out monthly cash advances from my credit cards.  I was just denied a debt consolidation loan by Lending Club.  I sent an application to a local low-cost legal aid organization for help with filing for bankruptcy.  I'm waiting to hear from them.  I don't know if they'll help me or not.
Suicide seems more and more like the best option.  It's too hard, though.  It' should be easy.  If you're an adult, and no one is depending on you (kids, pets), then you should be able to go to a pharmacy and purchase pills that will kill you peacefully and painlessly in your sleep.  I'm not a bad guy.  I don't deserve to die a painful death.  I don't deserve to fail and end up paralyzed.  I could jump off a nearby bridge, but what if it didn't kill me?  I'd be a total mess.
Every day brings more and more reasons to die.  At work, some customers treat me like shit.  One of them bragged to me about how much money he has.  He started with, "It's nice to have money."  Then he told me his father-in-law is a millionaire, and he saved $300,000 from a job.  Now he has a job that pays him better than the other one.  I'm consumed with my very depressing financial situation, and this prick rubs his money in my face.
I've really come to dislike a coworker of mine.  She happens to be a young, attractive woman (stupid and boring, though).  She and I started at this company at the same time.  However, she must see herself as some sort of a leader.  When I'm working next to her (which I'd rather not), she doesn't mind her own fucking business and instead pays attention to what's going on with me.  I'll be doing something, and she'll start instructing me.  The problem is that I don't need her instruction; I'm doing just fine.  It's distracting and annoying.  
And to top it all off, I'm reading a book that mentions suicide repeatedly.  It is so hard to get through work.  It's so hard to get through the day.  It's so hard to live.