Bumpkin Apologized

Go ahead and take a break; you earned it.

She's a little rough around the edges, she has the necessary power to fiercely battle all the world's militaries simultaneously, but she's a real sweetheart.  She apologized for hitting me in the backside with one of her fireballs, which always emanate from her left front paw. 
"I'm sorry I hit you in the butt with a fireball," she said.
"Oh, Mistress Bumpkin, thank you so much.  That means so much to me," I replied with teary eyes.  It really did.  I love it when she's not mad at me; when I don't really have to worry about being deep-sixed by a groundhog.
She stood on her hind paws.  "Give me a hug," she said.
"Gladly, Madame Bumpkin, gladly," I replied.  We hugged.  It was great.  "You know I love you, Lady Bumpkin."
"I know you do," she replied.
"And I want to be with you for as long as I can."
"I know."
"Whatever I need to do to prove my worth to you; I will do."
"You'll try; I don't know if you'll succeed."
I got down on one knee in front of Bumpkin.  "Ms. Bumpkin, I hereby pledge my everlasting loyalty to you: now and forever."
"What is this crapola?"
"I'll always be on your side.  We'll always be each other's firsts.  You're my first groundhog friend, and I'm your first human friend."
"You're my only human friend.  I won't be making any more human friends; especially since I'll be slaughtering millions of them every darn day come spring."
"It will be a bloody spring indeed.  Please remember, as I've said before, friends don't kill friends."
"Don't you try to tell me who I shouldn't kill!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am."
"If you don't want me to kill you, then you should be begging me for opportunities to practice your marvelous groundhog massage technique on my body."
"Yes!  Thanks for reminding me!  Would you like a massage right now, Princess Bumpkin?"
"No, I mentioned it because I don't want a massage." 
I began to rub her little shoulders.  "I know when you're being sarcastic.  Just relax and enjoy the ride."

Bumpkin!

Peek-a-boo!  I see you!

I can't believe it!  The inevitable finally happened.  Bumpkin hit me in the ass with a fireball!  She ruined a perfectly good pair of jeans in the process.  At least it wasn't one of her lethals, she just wanted to make a point I guess.  To remind me that she merely tolerates me, and she could take me out anytime, and she can.
By the way, Bumpkin has given up completely on her clone, who looks just like her but has none of the special abilities and superpowers that Bumpkin has.  Bumpkin has kicked her out of my apartment; she must hibernate in the family hole: like a normal groundhog.  This is a good thing; it was crowded enough in here with me and 3 groundhogs.  I'm worried that she'll keep cloning herself until she gets the result she wants though.
Back to the butt burning though.  I must admit that I can be a surly sort.  It's part of the reason why I choose to live alone (I didn't ask Bumpkin and her sisters, Lucinda and Sloopy, to spend the winter hibernating in my apartment; Bumpkin made that decision for me.).  I need to have a place where I can get away and be alone: my home.  I came home from work one day, and I wasn't a happy camper; it was just one of those days (Don't take it personal.).  I walked down the hallway to the bathroom.  I turned my head, glanced into the bedroom, and saw it: groundhog poop.  One of my roomies had missed the kitty litter box by a few inches.  When I first moved in to this apartment, I was glad to have wall-to-wall carpeting.  I've since reconsidered.  Whoever made the choice to install light-colored carpeting into these apartments is a real pain in my ass (No pun intended.).  I wipe my feet so thoroughly before I enter my unit; it makes me feel like more of a nutcase than I usually do.  It doesn't matter; when you have light-colored carpeting, stains will come out of the woodwork.  If I ever buy carpeting, it will either be dark brown or black.  Black is an especially good choice because it is a combination of all the colors.  Therefore, theoretically, whatever you drop onto it will be absorbed by the blackness of it.
So I see groundhog poop on the carpet, and I see red.  I knew Bumpkin didn't do it, because she taught herself to use the toilet shortly after moving in to my unit.  Sometimes she forgets to clean her fur off the toilet seat, but I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles.  Even though I know Bumpkin can be very protective of her sisters, I couldn't help it.
"Who pooped on the carpet?!" I yelled.  Then I felt it: the fireball hitting my backside.  Whoo!  It burned.  I ran into the bathroom, turned on the cold water, and splashed it all over my butt.  I took off the pants; they were toast.  There was just a little hole burned into my skivvies: no need to trash them.  That was enough of a warning for me.  I dropped the issue entirely.  And Bumpkin, to her credit, levitated the errant poop, and tossed it out of a window.  She even cleaned the stain.   Though I never found out who missed the kitty litter box; I suppose it doesn't matter.
         

Bumpkin Got Drunk

This is Gracie: one of our beloved neighbors.

I came home from work and immediately went to the fridge to get a beer.  It had been that sort of a day.  I knew I had 6 of them in there, but now there were none.  There was only one explanation: Bumpkin.  I marched straight to my bedroom, which has been taken over by 3 groundhogs: Bumpkin and her sisters Sloopy and Lucinda.  Sure enough, once again, they were watching Groundhog Day.  Well, only Bumpkin was watching it this time.  Sloopy and Lucinda were fast asleep among the empty beer cans.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She used her superpowers to lift the can, which was too large to be held by her paws, to her lips.  She took a sip.  Then she saw me.
"What is this stuff?  It's good." she said to me.
"It's beer, Bumpkin.  And I was hoping I'd be able to have some.  Now I'll have to go out and get some more if I want to have any."
"We do need more of it.  I feel like going for a ride anyway."
So we walked to my car, I opened the door for her, and she hopped in.  We were off to the store.  It didn't take us long to get there.
"I'll be right back," I said to her before going inside to purchase more beer.
"I'm going with," she replied.
Great.  I'm trying to maintain a low profile, because I'm with Bumpkin, who is planning to start a war (groundhogs vs. humans) for control of the world, and now I must walk into a supermarket with her.
"OK, Bumpkin.  But please don't kill anyone."
"If anyone disrespects me, or my sisters, there will be blood."
"But Bumpkin, it's bad enough when you're sober.  You've been drinking.  Alcohol impairs one's abilities."
"Not mine," she replied.  "Watch this."  She stood on her hind legs in the parking lot and promptly flung one of her fireballs of destruction from her left front paw at a flying seagull.  It was close, but she missed the bird.  Bumpkin was so confident in her abilities that she didn't even look to see if the fireball found its target.  "See?"
"Ah, Bumpkin, you missed."
"What?!"  She looked at the bird, who was still soaring.  "Holy crap!  I never miss!"  She fired another fireball.  This time, it hit the seagull, who burst into flames.  The poor thing continued to fly for as long as she could before crashing and burning.  "That beer must have made me miss.  This beer is no good!  Take me to it!"
"Now, Bumpkin, take it easy.   Please don't start any trouble."
"Just take me to the darn beer!"
"Yes, ma'am."  I can't argue with her when she's like this.  I took her to the beer section.  'This is it," I said to her.
She looked around a little before firing several fireballs at the store's beer stock.  People screamed and ran when they heard the explosions and saw the flames.  Cans of beer were exploding.  Bottles of beer were shattering.  She didn't stop until all the beer had been destroyed.
"You did it, Bumpkin.  You destroyed all of it," I said.
"Yeah, in this store.  Now let's go to the next one."
"Bumpkin, you can't destroy all the beer!  There's too much of it, and it's all over the place.  And that's not the only kind of alcohol either.  There's wine and liquor too."  Then it hit me: an idea.  "You want to take control of the world, right?"
"You know I will."
"Well, then, let the humans drink alcohol and impair their abilities and their health.  This will make them easier to defeat."
"You made a pretty good point: for a human."
So we went home and I never got to drink any beer that day. 

Bumpkin Did It

She did it again; she destroyed stuff.

Once I stepped into my apartment, I knew something was wrong.  It was way too cold.  I immediately went to my, or, perhaps I should say, the bedroom of my 3 groundhogian guests: Sloopy, Lucinda, and, of course, Bumpkin, who has superpowers that were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld.  I looked inside the bedroom and soon noticed the source of my home's extreme frigidity: the window had been busted.  It looked like something went right through the window and the screen.  Not surprisingly, the screen was bent outward, leaving me to believe that the source of the damage had come from within and most likely; it was Bumpkin.  Also not surprisingly, the sisters were watching Groundhog Day (again!).
"And just what the heck happened to that window?"
"You better not be talking to me like that," said Bumpkin.  "I'd hate to see you end up like that freaking window!"
"No, Mistress Bumpkin, I was talking to Sloopy and Lucinda.  If you're offended again, then please allow me to apologize to you again."
"You sure got a smart mouth, mister.  I'd hate to launch a fireball at it from my left front paw."
"Is that what happened to the window?  Was it one of your fireballs?"
"Of course."
"Why, pray tell, did you destroy the window and the screen with a fireball?"
"There was a bird outside who was making so much noise.  I warned him telepathically to quit it or go away, but he, for whatever reason, did not heed my warning.  The next logical step, everyone can agree, is to immediately fling a fireball of destruction from your left paw at the offender."
"Did you get him?"
"But of course.  He's really just a piece of toast at this point."
"OK, Madame Bumpkin, but, in the future, could you please open the window and the screen if you must launch a fireball?  And I'd appreciate it very much if you could try to limit your fireball deployment as much as possible.  It could bring unwanted attention to this apartment."
"Let them come!  I am ready.  Maybe that's how the last great war, that of the humans vs. the groundhogs, will come to pass.  They'll come after us, and we'll, well, I don't know about "we'll."  I won't get much help physically at all.  The average groundhog wouldn't do very well in combat against the average human.  It's looking like I'll have to do all the fighting for my side.  Sloopy and Lucinda will provide moral support.  They will keep my spirits up.  They'll remind me that I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm also doing it for all the world's groundhogs.  We will rule this planet!" 
"That's great Miss Bumpkin, but we need to do something about this window.  It's freezing in here!"
"No it isn't.  It's comfy."
"For you and your sisters maybe.  You're all covered in fur!  What about me?  I'm bald!  Please fix it Ms. Bumpkin." 
"OK, just a sec."  The damaged screen and window were immediately jettisoned from the building.  They were completely incinerated by one of Bumpkin''s fireballs before they could hit the ground.  Then a window and screen from the apartment directly across the way from ours detached from that unit and flew over to replace ours.
"Thanks, Bumpkin.  But that wasn't very neighborly."
"I told you.  I don't care about things like being neighborly.  I welcome any and all humans to challenge me in a duel to the death.  Groundhogs have been under the thumb of humans for far too long.  Here is as good a place as any for the revolution to begin.  Viva Las Marmotas!"