Bumpkin Did It

She did it again; she destroyed stuff.

Once I stepped into my apartment, I knew something was wrong.  It was way too cold.  I immediately went to my, or, perhaps I should say, the bedroom of my 3 groundhogian guests: Sloopy, Lucinda, and, of course, Bumpkin, who has superpowers that were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld.  I looked inside the bedroom and soon noticed the source of my home's extreme frigidity: the window had been busted.  It looked like something went right through the window and the screen.  Not surprisingly, the screen was bent outward, leaving me to believe that the source of the damage had come from within and most likely; it was Bumpkin.  Also not surprisingly, the sisters were watching Groundhog Day (again!).
"And just what the heck happened to that window?"
"You better not be talking to me like that," said Bumpkin.  "I'd hate to see you end up like that freaking window!"
"No, Mistress Bumpkin, I was talking to Sloopy and Lucinda.  If you're offended again, then please allow me to apologize to you again."
"You sure got a smart mouth, mister.  I'd hate to launch a fireball at it from my left front paw."
"Is that what happened to the window?  Was it one of your fireballs?"
"Of course."
"Why, pray tell, did you destroy the window and the screen with a fireball?"
"There was a bird outside who was making so much noise.  I warned him telepathically to quit it or go away, but he, for whatever reason, did not heed my warning.  The next logical step, everyone can agree, is to immediately fling a fireball of destruction from your left paw at the offender."
"Did you get him?"
"But of course.  He's really just a piece of toast at this point."
"OK, Madame Bumpkin, but, in the future, could you please open the window and the screen if you must launch a fireball?  And I'd appreciate it very much if you could try to limit your fireball deployment as much as possible.  It could bring unwanted attention to this apartment."
"Let them come!  I am ready.  Maybe that's how the last great war, that of the humans vs. the groundhogs, will come to pass.  They'll come after us, and we'll, well, I don't know about "we'll."  I won't get much help physically at all.  The average groundhog wouldn't do very well in combat against the average human.  It's looking like I'll have to do all the fighting for my side.  Sloopy and Lucinda will provide moral support.  They will keep my spirits up.  They'll remind me that I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm also doing it for all the world's groundhogs.  We will rule this planet!" 
"That's great Miss Bumpkin, but we need to do something about this window.  It's freezing in here!"
"No it isn't.  It's comfy."
"For you and your sisters maybe.  You're all covered in fur!  What about me?  I'm bald!  Please fix it Ms. Bumpkin." 
"OK, just a sec."  The damaged screen and window were immediately jettisoned from the building.  They were completely incinerated by one of Bumpkin''s fireballs before they could hit the ground.  Then a window and screen from the apartment directly across the way from ours detached from that unit and flew over to replace ours.
"Thanks, Bumpkin.  But that wasn't very neighborly."
"I told you.  I don't care about things like being neighborly.  I welcome any and all humans to challenge me in a duel to the death.  Groundhogs have been under the thumb of humans for far too long.  Here is as good a place as any for the revolution to begin.  Viva Las Marmotas!"    

Bumpkin Bumpkin

Bumpkin's on the D.L.

Bumpkin has really done it this time.  While I was at work, She cloned herself!  This is how I found out; "Hi Mistress Bumpkin.  How was your day?"
"OK,  I cloned myself."
"Gad-zoinks!"
"What the heck is gad-zoinks?"
"It's nothing.  I was so shocked that the only thing that could come out of my mouth initially was nonsense.  It's not a word.  What the freak happened?"
"Hey!  I don't know how many times I've told you, but don't you ever take an attitude with me!  You've seen what I can do after all!"
That threat got my attention.  I've seen her slaughter other animals and people mostly using her superpowers, which were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld, and her razor-sharp claws.  She's a groundhog, but she quite possibly is the deadliest sentient being this Earth has ever seen: even more than Michael Myers or Stalin.
"Sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"Nice try."
"Excuse me, my mistress?"
"You'd better watch it.  I'm onto your methods.  Whenever I'm mad at you, you try to plant a dance song into my head, so I'll play it and dance to it and forget about being mad at you.  In this case it's "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory, is it not?"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am.  But what about this clone of yours?  Please tell me more, madame.
"She's a perfect clone if you leave out the part about her having none of my superpowers."
"Wow."
"Yes, wow indeed.  But it's really sucky.  I've been trying to teach her stuff, but she's not catching on very well at all.  I'm losing patience."
"Please don't lose your patience, ma'am.  Bad things happen when you lose your patience."
"You think I don't know that, tampon bag?"
I laughed.
"What the heck is so funny mister?!"
"I'm sorry Miss Bumpkin, but I think the insult you're looking for might be douche bag: not tampon bag!"
"You're such an idiot!  I said tampon bag on purpose because I'm always keeping things fresh: not stale.  I tweaked it for her pleasure.  That's what she said.  Give me a freaking break, I'm on a roll!"
"Once again, I'm sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  You're always at least a step ahead of the rest of us."
"If there are other people as dumb as you, then it's a lot more than one step ahead; that's for sure!"
"Touche, madame Bumpkina."
"What is this Bumpkina?  Foolish is the fool that mocks me or my sisters."
"I'm not mocking you, ma'am: I never would.  I just changed your name around a little bit: just for funsies."
"OMG, you are such a freaking geek!"