Bumpkin the Deceiver

The deceiver herself: Bumpkin

Bumpkin is the penultimate deceiver.  She is young, cute, and furry.  If someone saw her, they might think, How cute, she must have a walnut-sized brain!  I don't care what the size of Bumpkin's brain is, it's good enough to get the job done.  Bumpkin was thinking about making the jump from mayor of Rochester (She slew the one before her.), to ruling the entire Planet Earth and all of its inhabitants.  She has pondered the move some more since then and has decided to settle for county executive of Monroe County for now.  She said she wants to make sure she's ready when she takes on the entire Planet Earth and all of its inhabitants.  This was her original plan, so perhaps her next step will be to take over the governorship of the state of New York and rename it New Bumpkin.  
I had to look up the directions for the county executive's office on Mapquest, which has never really let me down.  As is my custom, in lieu of printing out the directions, I wrote them down in an effort to save money.  Then I was ready to take the new county executive to her new office.  Well there was a formality to take care of.  The current county executive must somehow be removed from office.  It was a short, pleasant drive.  Bumpkin sat quietly and didn't toss any lethal fireballs out of her left front paw.  Shockingly, she didn't ask me very many questions at all.   We arrived at the building.  I held the door open for her, and she walked in.  I had all the address info, but I checked the plaque anyway.
One of the security guys finally noticed Bumpkin.  "Hey, there's no rodents allowed in here!"  Bumpkin never even looked at the man.  As soon as the R-word had been uttered, she fired one of her fireballs out of her left paw, which struck the security guard hard: knocking him backward several feet into the glass doors, which subsequently shattered, which rained broken glass onto the security guard.  Once Bumpkin found out that the word "rodent" put her into a group that rats belonged to, that totally grossed her out and she won't, for a second, tolerate anyone who tries to group her with some hygienically-challenged rats, as the security guy found out the hard way. 
We finally found the county executive's office after Bumpkin efficiently dispatched the rest of the building's security force within a matter of a few seconds.  She didn't even perspire.  I know, because I know what her perspiration smells like.  It smells like dandelions, grass, and other weeds, because that's what she eats.
"This is Bumpkin," I introduced her to the current county executive.  "She intends to be the new county executive, effective immediately, or she will seize control of the office."
"Yeah, that's fine with me.  She's got it.  She's the new county executive.  I think I'll be leaving now."
Clearly, she believed the rumor that the mayor of Rochester had been slayed by a young groundhog named Bumpkin.  She also probably concluded that it wasn't a coincidence.  She didn't want to have her head separated from the rest of her body, not with fireballs, nor at the business ends of Bumpkin's razor-sharp claws.  However, as she was making her way out of the office, Bumpkin fired a little fireball that hit the former county executive on the backside.  It made her jump from surprise and it singed her skirt, but she hadn't been injured.
"What, pray tell, was that for?"
"For being a coward," I translated for her after Bumpkin answered, telepathically, inside my head instantly.
"Gee whiz, you can't win with these freaking groundhogs!  She singed my best skirt; it's history now!"
"You're lucky to be alive!" I yelled at her.  "Have you any idea how many lives she's taken?  Of course not, you're just like anybody else, you haven't yet met the next supreme ruler of the Planet Earth!  Well, you just did, and I suggest you remember her!  Maybe, if you rush fast enough to kiss her ring, or her feet, the next time you see her, and you will see her again, I guarantee it, then it just might save your life!"  And with that, she left.  I walked back into Bumpkin's office.  I couldn't see her.
"Bumpkin?" I asked.
"I'm over here," she said.  I hadn't been able to see her because she was sitting on her new chair at her new desk, which weren't custom-made for a young groundhog county executive.  What a cutie!  Aside from the security guards, who, let's face it, don't really count anyway, she killed no one.  Not the county executive, nor anyone on the way over here.  The ride back would be another story.

Bumpkin's Chauffeur

This is a recent photo of Lucinda in all her zaftig glory.

That is what I have become.  Why me?  My car is a piece of crap.  Then again, what does Bumpkin know about cars?  Not much.  She's just a young groundhog.  I think she likes it cause it's green, which is also the color of her beloved grass and weeds.
Whoosh!  Once again, I'm hearing the unmistakable sound of a fireball launching from one of Bumpkin's paws.  This time, the target was a seagull.  She must have been well over 100 feet away: no matter.  Bumpkin toasted her.  She fell and landed in a parking lot in front of a CVS store.  Next sound I heard was a police siren.  Bumpkin and I were being pursued.
"What's that noise?" Bumpkin asked me.
"That's the police, Bumpkin.  They're going to want us to pull over."
"What is pull over?"
"That's when the police stop you to give you a ticket or arrest you."
"What are these things?"
"They're not good.  They're punishments."
"Bumpkin knows about punishments."   Right after she said that (telepathically, of course), she fired another fireball from her left paw.  She fired it out the window without even looking.  The fireball found its way to the target: the police cruiser.  It caught fire and soon exploded. 
"Wow!  How did you do that?  You never even looked at it, right?" I asked.
"Once I let it go, it's completely under my control.  I programmed it to hone in on that annoying sound."
"Incredible."
"Yes, it is.  Isn't it?"
A driver suddenly cut us off.  "You damn bozo!" I yelled.  I have a road rage problem.  So, apparently, does Bumpkin.  She wasted no time firebombing the car of the guy who cut us off.  It was right in front of us though.  I frantically tried to avoid the burning mass of metal.  I wasn't going to be able to avoid it.  Amazingly, my car went airborne and jumped over the crispy car.  It landed ever so gingerly onto its wheels again.  It was an incredibly smooth landing.  There was only one possible explanation: Bumpkin.  This is a very powerful groundhog indeed.
"You did that, didn't you?"
"But of course," she responded.
"Incredible."
"I'm very close to mastering all of time and space.  I'm no longer interested in being the county executive or the governor.  I'm ready to rule the world."
From mayor of Rochester to grand supreme ruler of the Earth; perhaps she'll make the biggest leap anyone, either human or groundhog, ever made in this world.  If one read it on a resume, would he or she believe it? 

Bumpkin Rises

Bumpkin became the new mayor of the city after slaying the previous one.

Just like she said she would (telepathically), Bumpkin has taken over the city of Rochester, NY.  I even gave her a ride to city hall.  I hope I won't be prosecuted for aiding and abetting, but I couldn't help it.  I have clearly become one of her brain-controlled zombies.  I am completely under her control; there's nothing I can do about it.  I walked with her to my car and opened the door for her.  She hopped in, and we were off.  As far as I know, that was Bumpkin's first car ride, which made it pretty annoying for me.  After all, I'm pretty sure she had never left my (her) apartment complex before.
"What's that?" she asked me telepathically when we passed a Rite Aid store.
"That's a Rite Aid store, Bumpkin."
"What is a Rite Aid store?"
"It's where people go to buy things they want or need."
"What does 'buy' mean?"
Of course she wouldn't know what "buy" means.  Bumpkin doesn't buy; she takes.  She has no money (currently), because she has no use for it (yet).  "People go into a store with money, that they worked for, stole, or was given to them, and they trade money for things."
"What is money?"
"It's made of paper or metal, it has different values, and it is used to trade for things that people want."
"What is work?"
I sighed.
"How dare you be rude to me!  You've seen what I can do.  I can end you whenever I want to.  I can also torture you for eternity."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin; I really am.  I don't have any kids, so I'm not used to being asked all these sorts of questions."
"You will tell me everything I want to know, and you will not give me any attitude: end of discussion."
"Yes, ma'am."
"What is ma'am?"
"It is what you call a female that you respect."
"That's more like it.  Now, what is work?"
You get the idea.  As soon as I answered another one of her questions, it was immediately followed by another one.  Even though I was afraid of what would happen once we reached city hall, I couldn't wait to get there.  It was the most annoying car ride I'd ever had, even though it was a short trip.  We finally reached our destination.  "This is it, Bumpkin.  This is city hall."
"Good.  Open this thing for me."
"Yes, ma'am.  It's called a door, by the way."
"Whatever.  Just do it."
"Yes, ma'am."  I opened the door for her and she hopped out.  She promptly flung a fireball from her left front paw that demolished the doors of the building.  Guards, who had been stationed at the metal detector, rushed outside the building to see what caused the destruction.  Bumpkin burnt all of them to a crisp.  Then she scampered into the building.  I followed her.  We approached a guy in a suit who had an expression of shock on his face.  "Excuse me," I said to him, "Could you please tell us where the mayor's office is?"  He told us, so we went directly to it.
"Can I help you?" a woman asked us.  I assume she was the mayor's secretary.  Bumpkin roasted her.  I opened the door to the mayor's office for her.  She sauntered in.
"Just what the hell is going on around here?" the mayor asked.  He looked at Bumpkin.  "Hey, there's no rodents allowed in here!"
"This is Bumpkin," I said.  "She's a groundhog, and she's taking over the city."
"Over my dead body!" he said.
"That's her plan," I replied.  Sure enough, she jumped onto his chest and slashed his throat with her left paw.  She nearly decapitated him.  His blood stained my clothes.  I doubt I'll be able to get these stains out.
"Was he the mayor?" she asked me.
"Yes."
"Good."  Just like that, the city was hers.  I wouldn't want to be the county executive or the governor; that's for sure.  They're next.