Discouraged

When it comes to being creative, I continue to be more active on Twitter than anywhere else, & my account is here: https://twitter.com/TheBaldVegan
My last book continues to be an absolute failure.  No one has bought it.  I'm considering changing the title.  Obviously, I have nothing to lose.  It is here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Farts-Literature-featuring-Bald-D-Bag-ebook/dp/B074MCFPVD/ref=sr_1_2?s=digita I haven't been working on my next book.  Considering the lack of interest in this one, it seems like a waste of time.
I've been taking Lexapro (an antidepressant) for almost a month now.  I still think that life sucks.  I still wish I'd never been born.  I still think it's selfish and cruel to bring people or animals into this world to suffer, as all sentient beings do.  So it's not working any miracles.  It makes me more wired, more irritable.  It has definitely affected my sleep negatively.  I tend to get up very early, no matter what time I went to bed, and then I can't get back to sleep.
Antidepressants won't cure everything.  As long as lots of animals are suffering to the degree that they are, I will be depressed by it.  Antidepressants won't get me out of my dead-end "career."  I am an "unskilled' worker.  The thought of going back to school to improve my work situation is a daunting one.  We're guaranteed nothing in this dog-eat-dog world.  I could spend a lot of money and time training for a certain job, and then not get hired for it.  I still have to shit, piss, and blow my nose frequently, all of which I hate.  And there's all the other boring, annoying, soul-destroying things that need to be done everyday: like brushing teeth.  I still hate to drive; it's so stressful.  I have to share the road with tons of stupid, careless people, who could ruin my life (even worse than it already is) in a heartbeat by causing me to get into an accident.
So I'm still very much discouraged when it comes to life.  I have very little hope.  I had great hopes for my book that no one has bought.  I still believe in it; I think it's funny.  But, as I've mentioned before, I'm just one of billions of human ants, desperately trying to be heard, and, as always, failing.     

 

Broken Links

My father is a broken link.  He hasn't been a father to me.  He left my mother and I when I was 2 years old.  He didn't teach me how to use tools, how to build stuff, how to fix things, how to throw a baseball, how to throw a football, how to fight, how to be a man; though he couldn't teach me how to be a man, because he isn't a man, and he never will be.  I've complained more about my mother here than my father.  The reason is that my mother attempts to be in my life.  She repeatedly reminds me of her and how she brought me into this world of pain, misery, and death.  I haven't heard from my father since I was a teen (a long time ago).  Did he ever care about me?  And, if so, then for how long?  Certainly not long.  No, I am just the physical manifestation of a big mistake he made. 
I work in a national hardware store, which is sort of ironic, because I know so little about building and fixing stuff.  I suppose that is why I have remained a cashier, even though I could conceivably transfer to another area in the store.  I've heard about how customers react when they feel as though my coworkers don't know enough about the areas they are covering.  So it's strange to be surrounded by all these people who build and fix stuff regularly; for lots of them, that's what their job entails. 
I mentioned the regular customer, who I thought was a nice guy, and he is, but he likes to brag about his money.  He told me a little story, in which he mentioned his $150,000 car.  Doesn't he realize that, as a cashier, I can't afford a car like that?  Does he enjoy rubbing his money into the faces of those who don't have as much as he does?  Bragging about money is like school on Sunday: no class.  How did he learn how to use tools and build and fix stuff?  Perhaps from his father.  So you see the difference between a boy whose father taught him things and a boy whose father taught him nearly nothing.
In fact, the more I talk to customers at work, the more likely they are to start bragging about their money.  Money is what matters more than anything in this shitty society.  It is why animals are treated so horribly.  It is all too common for them to not get the medical care they need, because that would cost money, so, as a result, they suffer.  It is also why animals like pigs and chickens are crammed into small spaces, many of them not getting enough space to walk at all; it's cost-effective.   
So, as a result of not knowing how to build and fix stuff, the thought of being a homeowner is a daunting one.  Therefore, for the foreseeable future, I don't se myself buying a house (not that I could afford one anyway), so I'll continue to live in apartments, and hearing my neighbors will continue to make me miserable.          

The Second-Worst Conspiracy

The second-worst conspiracy is procreation.  There are way too many people in the world.  The law of supply and demand states that the more there is of something, the less the item in question will be worth.  This applies to people as well.
Trillions, quadrillions (or more), people throughout the years, have essentially said, "Sure, life sucks.  It's hard.  It's more shit than sugar.  Maybe, if I brought a baby into the world, that would cheer me up.  And then, when I'm old, too old to take care of myself, then that baby, now an adult, will take care of me; sign me up!  Yeah, sure, in this dangerous, violent world, all sorts of horrible things can happen to my child, but my parents did it to me!  If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for my child.  In fact, it's a kind of revenge.  Someone brought me into this hellhole to suffer, and now it's my right to do it to someone else!"  How much pain and misery has this course of action led to?
Think for a second about how the quality of life has sucked throughout the years.  Imagine life without electricity, toilets, running water in the home, or cars.  It was REALLY shitty to bring people into a world in which those things did not exist.  But procreation is still a very shitty thing to do.  I'm not going to list all the things that are wrong with this world; I've done that over and over again.  It's a very long list.  At anytime, you could be struck by a serious illness, you could be the victim of a nasty car accident, and so on.  SUICIDE IS CONSISTENTLY A LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH.  Doesn't that tell you a lot about human existence?
Even at its best, life sucks.  There's always the pooping, ass wiping, and pissing.  Things haven't been going too badly for me lately.  It looks like I'm going to have a date with a woman I met online, although there are tons of reasons why things wouldn't work out between her and I.  She mentioned, in her dating profile, that she only keeps her "positive" friends.  Well, if she reads this blog, I'm in trouble!  She also doesn't like "loud, crazy" music, and I do.  Maybe I've been feeling better because I recently purchased healthcare, so I know that will begin 1/1/18.  I also have an old prescription for antidepressants, so, if I'm willing to pay over $100 for a months' worth, I can do that.  But there is still the shitty, boring job.  There's no getting away from the knowledge that, considering my age, I make, and I have saved, very little money.  I am a loser in this society.  That's me.  It is what I am: my place in society.  There is still the need to make so many decisions. What should I be doing with my time?  I'm indecisive.  I don't like too many choices and decisions, which is what life in this society consists of.  Inevitably, there's guilt over not doing this, or not doing that.     
I mentioned that some people seem to be addicted to having kids.  I haven't had cable TV for years, but I know there are reality shows about people who have tons of kids.  People who know this blog could probably figure out that I'm disgusted by such people.  But my parents only had one kid, and I wish they hadn't.  I've already experienced too much pain and misery; I shudder to think what the future holds. 

Kill Me, Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want you to kill me, mom!  I, of course, don't mean you personally.  You can't do anything right!  You can't even screw in a lightbulb without quitting and asking someone else to do it!  Pathetic!  Maybe that's all part of the reason why I'm a fucking mess that's praying for death!  I want you to find whatever doctor replaced Dr. Kevorkian, and get him or her to do it!  I already tried to hang myself, and I failed!  I'm worried that if I jump, I'll survive!  And then I'd really be fucked (with every bone in my body broken)!  No, I want to die, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  You brought me into this world to suffer, and now I want you to take me out of it!  I'm sure I've had enough!  Do it!       

You Got What You Deserved (Smartphone Edition)

You're walking while your face is firmly in your smartphone.  You're not watching where you're going.  Apparently, it's the rest of the world's responsibility to get out of your way.  You step into the street.  A truck squashes your body as though it was a bug.  You got what you deserved.
You're walking on a sidewalk, and your face is in your smartphone.  You don't realize that you're walking straight toward a particularly violent ex-con, who's having a difficult time acclimating to his new-found freedom and longs for the simplicity of prison life.  Since he doesn't mind being incarcerated again, he punches your face viciously just before you were going to bump into him, which is only the beginning of the brutal beating you will suffer at his hands.  You got what you deserved. 
You're surfing the web while you're driving on a highway.  You get into a nasty accident, which is 100% your fault.  The other driver in the accident is severely injured, so he sues your ass.  Your injuries are worse than his, though, and you will never walk again.  You got what you deserved. 

Buuny, 1 Hawk, 0

That isn't a typo.  I took a picture of a hawk eating a bunny.  I presume the hawk killed the bunny.  However, because the bunny is dead, he or she will suffer no more.  Only the living suffer.  What sort of life did she have anyway?  Hopping around, eating grass, hanging out, and sleeping?
Although I just saw an interesting documentary last night called Love Thy Nature.  Once again, the benefits of a natural, whole foods, plant-based (vegan) diet were extolled.  That's a goal of mine: to eat no processed foods.  Sugar is the great Satan.  I'm so lazy, though.  It's so easy to open a bag of chips.  I have to at least try it, though.  It could work as a natural antidepressant.  Wouldn't have to cook or wash pots and pans either.  This film also suggested that we're happier when we're outside: not on a busy street in a city, but in nature.  I had suspected that.  Since I finished my book, which there hasn't been any interest in yet, that is here: https://www.amazon.com/Farts-Literature-featuring-Bald-D-Bag-ebook/dp/B074MCFPVD/ref=sr_1_2?s=digita I've got more time to spend outside, so I think I'll do that. 
Another missing part of the happiness equation for me is friends; I have none.  Though I feel like all the world's animals are my friends.  It is my goal, at work, to pet at least one dog a day, and, most of the time, I'm able to do that.  The best thing, by far, about my job is that dogs are allowed to be there.  Coworkers have also brought in a cat and a ferret. 
I am alone.  Yesterday, I went to a library that's fairly far away.  I went for a walk along the Erie Canal.  There was some sort of an event going on.  There were a lot of people around, and a band was playing loud music.  I didn't know that would be happening.  If I had, I might have avoided it.  All those people, socializing with their friends and family members, made me feel extra lonely.

Ready to Die

I really am ready to die.  Notorious B.I.G. released an album called Ready to Die, and, before long, he was dead.  So, perhaps by titling this likewise, I have sealed my fate.  Death seems to be better than life.  It's easier.  That's what I believe.  There's no pain in death: no suffering.  They just sleep all the time, which sounds great to me. 
I've noticed a pattern.  I get up.  I take a shit and wipe my ass, which makes me hate life.  I hear my shitty neighbors, and, as a result, I hate life.  More shitting and wiping, which makes me hate life even more.  I go to work, which makes me hate life over and over again every time.  Driving makes me hate life too; it's so stressful.  All sorts of shitty things make me hate life.  I suppose I just hate life.
I've mentioned guzzling antifreeze here before.  Before one does anything life that, one should know what the consequences will be.  I Googled that a little, and it seems like a horrible way to die.  My point about that is, if I drink some of it, then, in my mind at least, I'll be fucked, and so I might as well jump or hang, because I've damaged myself (perhaps irrevocably) with the antifreeze (Or should one refer to it as "coolant" if one sips it in the summer?).  

Double Selfish Monstrosities!

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!  That was a scream of pain, frustration, and despair.  It's official.  It's happened again.  I dread going to work.  The best thing about my workplace is dogs are allowed to be there.  Also, a very cute little girl with a lot of curly blonde hair recently blew a kiss to me.  So it only sucks 99% of the time.
I don't talk very much to my coworkers, because I don't wish to participate in certain recurring sorts of conversations.  They frequently talk about the meat they like to eat.  What am I supposed to say to that?  "I hope you fucking choke on it" comes to mind.  They also talk about their kids and grandkids.  They show pictures as well.  What do I say to that?  "Now, just how many kids have you brought into this brutal, miserable world to suffer?"  That's what I mean by double selfish monstrosities.  Eating meat is selfish, because it's cruel, and you don't need it to survive.  Bringing babies into this fucked-up, dangerous world is selfish.  Procreating is arguably the most selfish thing you can do.  Or perhaps eating meat is.  They're both way up there.  But, unfortunately, for people and animals alike, it's the norm.  It's typical.  And that's what these people are: typical.  They bore and anger the fuck out of me.      

Fuck You, Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unbelievable!  I had my next post all set to go, and then I got an email from my cunt of a mother, who wrote, "I'm disappointed that you didn't send me a b'day card or email."  She is such a stupid piece of shit!  I've told her before that I hate life, and I wish I'd never been born.  She knows I have depression and that I've attempted suicide.  She knows I was molested, as a kid, by her uncle, while she was sleeping soundly under the same roof, because she obviously failed to protect me.  I wanted to go off on her!  I still do.  I'm so distracted right now.  I don't want her in my life.  She keeps trying to put herself there.
Anyway, I first decided to not respond, but I changed my mind.  This is the email I sent to her; "I'm disappointed that you brought me into this world to suffer.  I hate life.  I wish I had never been born.  Bringing someone into this world to suffer is much, much, much, much, much, much worse than not sending a card."  I could have put A LOT more muches in there, but I'm not willing to waste too much time on the bitch.
This is what I'd like to say (or email) to her: "Fuck you, you stupid piece of shit!  Fuck your birthday!  I curse the day you were born!  I wish you had never been born; then I wouldn't have been born, and I could have avoided a ton of pain and suffering.  By the way, as I'm writing this, my back hurts; I have pain in my feet and back every fucking day.  My ears are always ringing, which is a nightmare: a sound that follows me everywhere.  I have depression and OCD, and they're not being treated, because I lost Medicaid, because my low-paying job, which I hate, pays me too much for Medicaid, but not enough for health insurance (if I want to save money for retirement).  I'm obsessed with my neighbors, who bother me on a daily basis.  Should I send a letter to the office, that's already written, complaining about them?  What if my neighbors "punish" me for doing that?  What if they are replaced by worse neighbors?  Should I go with the devil I know, or the devil I don't know?  I could complain about all the shit I have to endure, all the shitty things about life, at length, but I've done a lot of that already.
I'd like to send this too; "Fuck you!  You don't deserve anything from me except for a punch in the face!  You've been a shitty parent.  You got knocked up, unplanned, of course, as a teen.  You're stupid and ignorant as fuck now.  How stupid and ignorant were you while you were raising me, by yourself, in your early twenties, when I was a young boy?  You're lazy, selfish, cheap, cold, and uncaring.  You never should have become a parent!  When I was a kid, you blamed me for being born!  How fucking stupid and inappropriate is that?"  As much as I'd like to send something like that, I don't want her to save it and use it against me.  By the way, this is all true.  She hasn't taught me a goddamn thing.  Me, and people like me, are forced to compete with people whose parents are constantly helping them get through life.
Also in her email, she suggested that I could buy antidepressants with the $250 that she gave to me fairly recently, which, for the record, I did not ask for ( I think it was an attempt to get me to contact her, and I did thank her for the money.).  She is so fucking ignorant!  She can't be bothered to put in 2 seconds of research about what her son is going through.  What am I supposed to do, take $250 worth of antidepressants (about 2 months' worth) and then stop?  What fucking psychiatrist would recommend doing something as stupid as that?  None of them!  It reminds me of when I was staying with her.  I was mowing her lawn for her fat ass.  I stepped on a rusty nail, because the piece of lazy shit had boards with rusty nails on her lawn (You should see the inside of her house!  What a fucking slob!).  I was worried.  She wasn't.  She didn't lift a finger to help me.  She just waddled her fat ass to the library as usual.  Why make a sacrifice for your son?
I've thought of sending this email to her before, and maybe I will someday; "As long as I hate life, and I do, then it makes sense that I will hate those who gave me life.  And if you're too stupid to figure that out, and you probably are, then get someone to help you."    

You Got What You Deserved

You have a few young kids, and they're out of control and driving you crazy.  You'll break your back working for the money to support them.  You'll be consumed with worry for them.  You brought them into the world to suffer, so you got what you deserved.
You are a mentally-sound adult, you have access to money, you eat meat, you're fat, you have no plans to ever stop eating meat, and no one will ever love you: at least not the way you want them to.  You got what you deserved.
Your only biological son killed himself.  You were counting on him to take care of you in your old age, and now there's no one.  You brought him into this world to suffer, so you got what you deserved.
You're a mentally-sound adult, you have access to money, you love meat, you make bacon jokes, you ate too much meat, and you got cancer as a result.  You got what you deserved.
 

Right and Wrong

Does she deserve to suffer because you like bacon?

As I was petting a beautiful dog at work yesterday, it occurred to me how simple it is.  I was looking at his sweet face, and he was looking at mine.  His eyes were like mine.  All animals are like him.  They all want, and deserve, to be treated well.  They don't want to be brutalized.  They don't want to suffer.  They are vulnerable, and many of them are completely under our control.  It's wrong to mistreat them.  It's wrong to pick and choose which animals you care about and which should suffer.   

Don't Bring Them Into This World

If you don't want your children to be bullied, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be perturbed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be frustrated, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be insulted, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be humiliated, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be harassed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be beaten, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be injured, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live with disabilities, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live with autism, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live with severe peanut allergies, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be kidnapped, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be molested, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a stalker, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be raped, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be suffocated, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be strangled, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be shot, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be stabbed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to drown, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be murdered, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be tortured, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to become paralyzed from the waist or neck down, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to lose one or more body parts, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be casualties of war, don't bring them into this world
If you don't want your children to be victims of terrorism, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of genocide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a car accident, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a tsunami, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of an earthquake, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a hurricane, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a flood, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a tornado, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a fire, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to get struck by lightning, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of an avalanche, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a volcano eruption, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a landslide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of rockslide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a mudslide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of a sinkhole, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be victims of an infrastructure failure (sudden bridge collapse), don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to get cancer, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to feel pain, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to suffer, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be miserable, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to have to deal with shitty, selfish neighbors, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be overwhelmed with all the shit, as people living in society, they have to remember, think about, and do, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to suffer from loneliness, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to suffer from desperation, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to spend much of their lives working at jobs they hate, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to eventually be too tired to work, which, of course, would compromise their ability to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be discriminated against, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be hated, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be fired, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be unemployed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live in poverty, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be homeless, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to envy the talent and success of others, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to feel as though others are rubbing their success and money in their faces, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to feel as though you're a loser, because you're not successful, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to live in fear, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be looked down upon, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to have to deal with shit, both figurative and literal, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be depressed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be depressed, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to become alcoholics, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to become drug addicts, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to become insane, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be arrested, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to go to prison, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to be convicted, incarcerated, and executed for a crime they didn't commit, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to pray for death, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to hate you for bringing them into this world, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to commit suicide, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to experience the deterioration of their minds and bodies as a result of aging, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to deal with the deaths of friends and loved ones, don't bring them into this world.
If you don't want your children to die alone, don't bring them into this world.

If you want to keep your children safe, don't bring them into this world.