Meaningless Existence

That's what mine is.  I wasn't brought into this world because I was wanted; I was a mistake.  My mother literally called me that one day.  She said I was a mistake.  Interesting that she would call me a mistake when I didn't make the mistake.  But my mother is like so many adults; she refuses to take responsibility for anything.  Every mistake she makes is somehow someone else's fault.  According to her, it wasn't her fault she got knocked up as a teen, it was my father's.  He promised to pull out, but he didn't.
I sink lower and lower.  If I don't land a job soon, the money I can borrow from my credit card will run out.  I'm trying.  I'm trying to survive, even though, with depression and OCD, I don't see many reasons to.  Everyday, I'm thinking of ways to kill myself that will succeed without causing me too much pain.  Today I did laundry.  If I wasn't considering suicide, I would not have laundered a particular pair of pants.  These pants are workout pants, and they're really not my thing.  They're spandex-like.  I washed them, because I thought they'd be good for hanging myself in.  Perhaps they could catch my shit that would doubtlessly emanate from my ass after I died.  Why care about shit on the carpet when you're dead? you might ask.  What if I failed, and I didn't die, but I shit the carpet?
There is so much to write: so much to express.  But it really seems like  time is running out for me.        

Reasons to Live

 
Reasons to live:
Music
An appreciation for nature, which includes animals
A desire to change the world for the better

Don't Kill Yourself

There's so much to live for.

Please don't kill yourself.  Life is hard.  It kicks the crap out of many of us.  But there's always something to live for.  For instance, I have at least 2 reasons to live.  I love animals, and I want to help those that need it.  I want to convince people to stop eating meat, eggs, and dairy.  They'd all be better off if they replaced those foods with fresh fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, and beans.  My other reason to live is to convince people to, if they want to be parents, adopt instead of bringing another person into this overcrowded (with humans) world. 
Suicide has been a major cause of death for humans for a while now.  The media usually doesn't report it, becasue the CDC has asked them not to.  When the media reports suicides, copycat suicides usually ensue.  If you think it's not a major threat, then Google it.  Once you start reading about suicide, you're liable to be blown away by some of the information out there.  What I can remember the most is reading that every year, since 1999, the number of suicides has increased in the USA.  I also read an article about NJ Transit.  New Jersey Transit is a huge transportation network.  It connects New Jersey to New York City and Philadelphia.  The article I read mentioned how NJ Transit has been putting up signs at their train stations.  These signs give people info about suicide hotlines and such.  They felt the need to put these signs up because an alarming number of people have been committing suicide in front of their trains.
I've attempted to kill myself.  That was when I realized I needed help.  That's when I went to a psychiatrist for the first time.  I've received quite a bit of therapy.  I take Prozac.  Recently, I've been eliminating processed foods and refined sugars from my diet, which has helped very much.  
If you are depressed, do something about it.  Take it seriously.  There are people out there who would love to help you.  Suicide is ugly and unnatural.  You should love your body and treat it well.  It's the only thing that is really ours.  Don't kill your body.  If you have nothing to live for, find something.  I don't have many friends, but I believe I'd greatly upset at least 3 people if I killed myself.  We all might as well make the best of it.