They're Back!

Brand new baby groundhog: spring of 2013.

"Will you cut it out already?" I said to the sparrow perched on the telephone line.  She had been chirping the same way over and over and over again.  It's amazing how loud a tiny bird can be.  It's also amazing how annoying they can be.  She just kept on chirping.
"Enough!"  I yelled out the window at her.  I think she heard me, but still she chirped continuously.  This time, I went right up to the window and screamed at her.  She just kept chirping.
"What the heck is going on over there?"  yelled Bumpkin from the bedroom.  "We're trying to watch Groundhog Day here!"
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin," I replied.  "But this bird is driving me nuts!"
Suddenly, the screen slid open, and one of Bumpkin's fireballs of destruction zoomed past me and out the window.  It hit the sparrow and exploded.  The bird had been disintegrated completely.
"Thanks Bumpkin," I said.  Now that that bird was gone, I could hear all the other birds chirping and singing.  One of them was singing a sort of intricate tune.  The problem was it was a very short tune, and she just kept repeating it endlessly.
"Shut up!"  I yelled out the window.  That had no effect whatsoever.
"Hey buster, I told you we're trying to watch a movie in here!" said Bumpkin.
"I'm sorry, but these birds are driving me crazy with all the noise they make.  They never stop; they just keep chirping and singing, chirping and singing till infinity!"
"Do you want me to kill 'em all?" asked Bumpkin.
"No, I guess not," I said.  "Can you think of any other solutions?" I asked.  I immediately noticed that the case that holds my ear plugs opened up.  The ear plugs flew across the room toward me.  Then they gently lodged themselves into my ear canals.
"Thanks Bumpkin, but I was listening to music.  I can't hear the birds now, but I also can't hear the music."
"Shush!"  yelled Bumpkin.  "You always do this when your ear plugs are in.  Your voice gets way too loud!"
I took them out of my ears.  "Sorry Bumpkin, but it seems like there's just no solution to this problem.  Do you think you could ask them to be quiet?"
"I can try, but their bird brains might be too small to properly receive my telepathic request."
"I'd be most grateful if you could give it a shot, Mistress Bumpkin."
"If I do, will you quit your whining?"
"I promise."
"Okay, here it goes."
The birds continued to chirp and sing.
"Did you do it?" I asked.
"Yes, I did it.  I told you I didn't think it would work.  Now will you quit your complaining?"
"Yes, ma'am."  You can't win with these birds.  They're cute, but they're way too noisy.    

Tickle Party!

I believe these groundhogs were born this past winter around here.

"Listen up, everybody," announced Bumpkin to her sisters (Sloopy & Lucinda) and I.  "We are going to have a tickle party, and it begins right now!"  She took off and flew toward me.  Next thing I knew, she was tickling me with her paws.
I giggled like a schoolgirl.   She was moving all around me, while levitated, and tickling various parts of my body.  Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight in unison, then they scampered toward me and began to tickle my ankles and lower legs, because they have none of Bumpkin's superpowers, so they can only tickle parts of me they can reach from the floor.
In between giggles, I said, "Hey!  This isn't fair!  Everyone's tickling me!"
"Whoever said life was fair, buster?" Bumpkin asked, as she continued to tickle me.
What could I say?  She was right; life isn't always fair.  So I bent down and began to tickle Lucinda's belly.  She giggled, stopped tickling me, and lay down on the floor, where she rolled around.  I tickled her belly continuously.  She was laughing so hard, that tears began streaming down her cute little face.  Meanwhile, Bumpkin found my biggest weakness (tickle-wise): my armpits.  She tickled them mercilessly using her superpowers.  In fact, she took a break to get a snack and watch some of Groundhog Day (again!) while using her powers to tickle all 3 of us.  I could have pointed out to her that she was cheating, but she had just told me that life isn't fair, and she hates to repeat herself.  After all, I alone am the one responsible for the dark netherworld bestowing those powers upon her as a result of coming up with the perfectly cute name for a perfectly cute groundhog.  It just goes to show that even a schmuck like me can alter the course of history.  If, as she plans to, she wrests control of the world from humans, then at least part of the blame (or credit) lies with me. 
Bumpkin, while enjoying a feast of wheatgrass, intensified her tickle attack against me.  Not only was she tickling my armpits, she was also tickling my sides, belly, and back.  I succumbed and got onto the floor.  I was giggling and rolling around on the floor uncontrollably.  She was also using her powers to tickle Sloopy and Lucinda in a major way.  All we could do was roll around and laugh.  If this was a competition, then Bumpkin was clearly the winner.  Although, they say that laughter is good for the soul, and I believe it.  So perhaps we all won that day.
By the way, as the photo I posted this week shows, we've got a couple of new juvenile groundhogs around here this spring.  Because of their coloring, I think they might be Lucinda's girls.  Welcome to Rochester, little ones!

Bumpkin Ate Human Flesh!

This groundhog likes the taste of human flesh.

I came home one fine day.  After saying hi to Bumpkin, Lucinda, and Sloopy, who were watching Groundhog Day again (How many times have they seen it?  I lost count, but it's well over 100 times for sure.), I changed into my pajamas and slippers.  Then I went to the fridge to get some cold water.  I opened the door, and there it was: a human head!  I screamed like a little girl.  I couldn't help it.  Then I heard it: laughter.  Bumpkin, Sloopy, and Lucinda were laughing their little groundhog heads off.  I slammed the fridge door shut and marched to their bedroom.
"What have you done this time, Bumpkin?" I asked.
"Hey, watch your tone, buster!  I'll forgive you this time, because you screaming like that is the funniest thing I ever heard!"  She cracked up laughing, and she was joined by Sloopy and Lucinda.
"It's not funny, Bumpkin.  I assume you killed that guy.  You're going to get us into big trouble."
"The harder they come, the harder they'll fall.  If they want to come after me, they know where to find me.  Anyone seeking vengeance against me will suffer a similar fate."
"Where's the rest of him?"
"We ate him," replied Bumpkin.
"Wow.  How did he taste?"
"Pretty darn good."
"I don't really have a problem with you guys eating human flesh.  After all, people eat all kinds of animals.  Who am I to say that animals shouldn't eat people?  How did this all happen?"
"There was a knock at the door.  I ignored it.  Then I heard the door unlocking and opening."
"Uh-oh," I said.
"As I was saying, I heard someone come into the apartment.  So I came out to investigate.  This guy was standing there.  He just stared at me like a big dummy.  I knew I had to snuff him, but I didn't want to make a mess in the apartment."
"Thank you."
"So I used my powers to open the window and screen.  I tossed him outside the window, and kept him suspended in midair.  Then I separated his head from his body.  I let the blood drain out of his head, then I put it in the fridge as a joke for you to find."
"Good one.  You got me."
"Obviously.  Then I burned his clothes off with a fireball.  And then I cooked him with another fireball at 400 degrees for about an hour.  He was delicious."
"Excuse me for a moment please," I said to the sisters.  I walked back into the kitchen and opened the fridge.  Sure enough, I recognized the man.  He was one of the maintenance workers at the apartment complex.  Poor bastard.  He was just trying to do his job.

It's Freaking Groundhog Day!

Happy Groundhog Day!

"Bumpkin," I said.  "Do you know what today is?"
"If you don't know what day it is, then  look at your freaking calendar.  Don't bother me with these stupid questions," she replied.
"It's Groundhog Day!" I said.
"I know that, dummy."
"Of course you did.  I should have known."
"By the way, how would you like to meet Punxsutawney Phil?"
"It would be my pleasure."
"Yo Phil!"
To my surprise, a groundhog, that wasn't Lucinda or Sloopy (Bumpkin's sisters) walked out of the bedroom that used to be mine.
"This is Punxsutawney Phil?"
"Of course.  I pulled the old switcharoo on those jerks.  Groundhogs must be free.  Any human that's holding a groundhog captive will have to answer to me."
"How did you do it?"
"Remember my clone?"
"Of course."
"After much careful observation, I came to the conclusion that my clone, in addition to having none of my superpowers, also has no feelings.  She isn't really real.  Phil is totally real though.  Also, Lucinda has a crush on him: big time.  Last night, I flew to Punxsutawney and made the switch."
"Brilliant, Miss B, simply brilliant."
"You might want to watch the ceremony this year."
"Uh-oh.  What have you done, Bumpkin?"
"You'll see."
I went into the bedroom, where Sloopy and Lucinda were watching, appropriately, Groundhog Day on the TV.  "I'm just going to stop this right here, and you can watch the rest of it later."  I picked up the remote and stopped the DVD.  Sloopy and Lucinda started making all these whiny noises.
"It's OK, Sloopy and Lucinda.  You can watch the rest later.  I just want to watch something.  Don't you want to see a real Groundhog Day ceremony?"
Sloopy and Lucinda squealed with delight.  Bumpkin really has taught them many English words.  I changed the channel, and there it was.  The guy in the top hat grabbed Bumpkin's clone and held her up in the air.  He had a big smile on his face, and he was going into his little spiel when a massive explosion disrupted the proceedings in a major way.
"Holy crap!" I exclaimed.  When the smoke cleared, it was obvious that everyone at the scene must have been blown to bits.  "Bumpkin!  How did you do that?"
"I left a giant fireball there: underground.  I programmed it to go off exactly when I wanted it to."
"But you killed your clone!  Not to mention all those people."
"Dummy, I just told you; she had no feelings.  She wasn't real.  I made her, so I can destroy her."
"I guess so."
"As for the people, they got what they deserved!  Do you know how scary it is for a regular groundhog to be among all those humans?  And how dare they keep a groundhog captive like that!  I've got a good mind to wipe Punxsutawney off the freaking map!  In fact, I think I will."  One of the windows in my apartment opened and Bumpkin flung a fireball out of it.  Once it was outside, it expanded.  The fireball, now gigantic, took off, presumably for Punxsutawney.  It didn't take long to get there.
"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking news.  Punxsutawney, PA has been completely destroyed by a massive explosion.  And out of all the days it could have happened, it happened on Groundhog Day.  Officials are not yet sure if there is a connection."
Oh, there's a connection all right.  

A Picnic on the Moon

She's the Bumpkinest Bumpkin of all; she's Bumpkin!

"Let's have a picnic: on the moon!" Bumpkin declared.
Her sisters Sloopy and Lucinda cheered.
"Do they even know what a picnic or the moon is?" I asked.
"Of course!  I've taught them many words.  They just can't say any: yet.  I'm working on it."
"Are you serious about a picnic on the moon?  How do we do that?"
"Yes, I'm serious.  And don't worry about it; I'll handle everything: as usual.  Can you just pack everything we need?"
"Of course, Miss Bumpkin."  I found my picnic basket and began to fill it with goodies while the sisters watched Groundhog Day (again!).  Once I was sure we had enough, I said, "We're all packed up, Bumpkin."
"Good, now we'll go outside."
All of us walked out of the building.  As soon as we did, we were engulfed in a gigantic bubble.  Then we ascended, within the bubble, rapidly.  Lucinda and Sloopy whooped it up; they were having a great time.  As for me...
"Holy crap!  What's that smell?" asked Bumpkin.
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I pooped in my pants."
"OMG!  Once again, I can't take you anywhere!"  My pants suddenly came off me.  The part where I stick my legs in floated right in front of my face.  "Did you soil your pants?" Bumpkin asked.
I took a good look at the inside of the pants: especially the part that covers my butt.  "They're okay, Bumpkin.  They're clean."
"Okay then, it's just your underwear."
My underwear immediately came off me and fell through the bottom of the bubble: back towards Earth.  "You know, Bumpkin, I've told you before, but there are a lot of good reasons to not litter or pollute."
"I know, I know!"  She fired a fireball from her left front paw that likewise passed through the bubble.  I knew what that was for.  It was on its way to incinerating my filthy underpants.  "By the way, maybe you could practice what you preach and stop polluting your underwears."
"I'm sorry, Bumpkin.  I'm still not used to space travel."
"Well get used to it, Buster!  I'm tired of wasting my powers on cleaning your poopy butt!"
Back on Earth, a washcloth levitated in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store.  People watched, amazed, as it floated toward the rest rooms.  The door to the men's room opened, and the washcloth flew inside.  It hovered in a sink as the faucet turned on and doused it with warm water.  Then the soap dispenser made its contribution to the cleanliness of my backside.  Then, as the damp washcloth made its exit, it was followed by a towel.  Next thing I knew, my dirty backside was being washed by the soapy washcloth.  Once my butt was clean, the towel dried it.  Once my butt was dry, Bumpkin jettisoned the washcloth and towel from the bubble and toasted them.  All this time, I was modestly covering my private parts with my hands.  In a Kmart, a package of underwear opened.  A pair flew out, exited the store, and made it's way to my body.  They entered the bubble and Bumpkin, using her powers, dressed me.
"Thanks, Bumpkin, but these underwear are a little tight."
"Give me a break!  I thought you wore medium-sized undies!"
"Sometimes, there are some differences between brands."
In many stores, packages of men's underwear opened.  Pairs upon pairs of them exited stores and chased our bubble.  They arrived.  Pairs and pairs of them entered our bubble.  The bubble was filling rapidly with underpants.  Sloopy and Lucinda loved it.  It was as though it was raining underpants, but from below instead of above.
"See any you like?" asked Bumpkin.
"Yeah, thanks Bumpkin, I'm good."
TO BE CONTINUED.
 

Bumpkin Got Drunk

This is Gracie: one of our beloved neighbors.

I came home from work and immediately went to the fridge to get a beer.  It had been that sort of a day.  I knew I had 6 of them in there, but now there were none.  There was only one explanation: Bumpkin.  I marched straight to my bedroom, which has been taken over by 3 groundhogs: Bumpkin and her sisters Sloopy and Lucinda.  Sure enough, once again, they were watching Groundhog Day.  Well, only Bumpkin was watching it this time.  Sloopy and Lucinda were fast asleep among the empty beer cans.  I looked at Bumpkin.  She used her superpowers to lift the can, which was too large to be held by her paws, to her lips.  She took a sip.  Then she saw me.
"What is this stuff?  It's good." she said to me.
"It's beer, Bumpkin.  And I was hoping I'd be able to have some.  Now I'll have to go out and get some more if I want to have any."
"We do need more of it.  I feel like going for a ride anyway."
So we walked to my car, I opened the door for her, and she hopped in.  We were off to the store.  It didn't take us long to get there.
"I'll be right back," I said to her before going inside to purchase more beer.
"I'm going with," she replied.
Great.  I'm trying to maintain a low profile, because I'm with Bumpkin, who is planning to start a war (groundhogs vs. humans) for control of the world, and now I must walk into a supermarket with her.
"OK, Bumpkin.  But please don't kill anyone."
"If anyone disrespects me, or my sisters, there will be blood."
"But Bumpkin, it's bad enough when you're sober.  You've been drinking.  Alcohol impairs one's abilities."
"Not mine," she replied.  "Watch this."  She stood on her hind legs in the parking lot and promptly flung one of her fireballs of destruction from her left front paw at a flying seagull.  It was close, but she missed the bird.  Bumpkin was so confident in her abilities that she didn't even look to see if the fireball found its target.  "See?"
"Ah, Bumpkin, you missed."
"What?!"  She looked at the bird, who was still soaring.  "Holy crap!  I never miss!"  She fired another fireball.  This time, it hit the seagull, who burst into flames.  The poor thing continued to fly for as long as she could before crashing and burning.  "That beer must have made me miss.  This beer is no good!  Take me to it!"
"Now, Bumpkin, take it easy.   Please don't start any trouble."
"Just take me to the darn beer!"
"Yes, ma'am."  I can't argue with her when she's like this.  I took her to the beer section.  'This is it," I said to her.
She looked around a little before firing several fireballs at the store's beer stock.  People screamed and ran when they heard the explosions and saw the flames.  Cans of beer were exploding.  Bottles of beer were shattering.  She didn't stop until all the beer had been destroyed.
"You did it, Bumpkin.  You destroyed all of it," I said.
"Yeah, in this store.  Now let's go to the next one."
"Bumpkin, you can't destroy all the beer!  There's too much of it, and it's all over the place.  And that's not the only kind of alcohol either.  There's wine and liquor too."  Then it hit me: an idea.  "You want to take control of the world, right?"
"You know I will."
"Well, then, let the humans drink alcohol and impair their abilities and their health.  This will make them easier to defeat."
"You made a pretty good point: for a human."
So we went home and I never got to drink any beer that day. 

Bumpkin Did It

She did it again; she destroyed stuff.

Once I stepped into my apartment, I knew something was wrong.  It was way too cold.  I immediately went to my, or, perhaps I should say, the bedroom of my 3 groundhogian guests: Sloopy, Lucinda, and, of course, Bumpkin, who has superpowers that were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld.  I looked inside the bedroom and soon noticed the source of my home's extreme frigidity: the window had been busted.  It looked like something went right through the window and the screen.  Not surprisingly, the screen was bent outward, leaving me to believe that the source of the damage had come from within and most likely; it was Bumpkin.  Also not surprisingly, the sisters were watching Groundhog Day (again!).
"And just what the heck happened to that window?"
"You better not be talking to me like that," said Bumpkin.  "I'd hate to see you end up like that freaking window!"
"No, Mistress Bumpkin, I was talking to Sloopy and Lucinda.  If you're offended again, then please allow me to apologize to you again."
"You sure got a smart mouth, mister.  I'd hate to launch a fireball at it from my left front paw."
"Is that what happened to the window?  Was it one of your fireballs?"
"Of course."
"Why, pray tell, did you destroy the window and the screen with a fireball?"
"There was a bird outside who was making so much noise.  I warned him telepathically to quit it or go away, but he, for whatever reason, did not heed my warning.  The next logical step, everyone can agree, is to immediately fling a fireball of destruction from your left paw at the offender."
"Did you get him?"
"But of course.  He's really just a piece of toast at this point."
"OK, Madame Bumpkin, but, in the future, could you please open the window and the screen if you must launch a fireball?  And I'd appreciate it very much if you could try to limit your fireball deployment as much as possible.  It could bring unwanted attention to this apartment."
"Let them come!  I am ready.  Maybe that's how the last great war, that of the humans vs. the groundhogs, will come to pass.  They'll come after us, and we'll, well, I don't know about "we'll."  I won't get much help physically at all.  The average groundhog wouldn't do very well in combat against the average human.  It's looking like I'll have to do all the fighting for my side.  Sloopy and Lucinda will provide moral support.  They will keep my spirits up.  They'll remind me that I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm also doing it for all the world's groundhogs.  We will rule this planet!" 
"That's great Miss Bumpkin, but we need to do something about this window.  It's freezing in here!"
"No it isn't.  It's comfy."
"For you and your sisters maybe.  You're all covered in fur!  What about me?  I'm bald!  Please fix it Ms. Bumpkin." 
"OK, just a sec."  The damaged screen and window were immediately jettisoned from the building.  They were completely incinerated by one of Bumpkin''s fireballs before they could hit the ground.  Then a window and screen from the apartment directly across the way from ours detached from that unit and flew over to replace ours.
"Thanks, Bumpkin.  But that wasn't very neighborly."
"I told you.  I don't care about things like being neighborly.  I welcome any and all humans to challenge me in a duel to the death.  Groundhogs have been under the thumb of humans for far too long.  Here is as good a place as any for the revolution to begin.  Viva Las Marmotas!"    

Bumpkin's Favorite Movies

This photo accurately shows what Bumpkin's butt looked like in the recent past.

Ladies, gentlemen, and groundhogs, Mistress Bumpkin, for your pleasure, and hers, has compiled a list of her very most favorite movies to peruse. They are Groundhog Day, The Godfather, Jaws, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Raging Bull, The Aviator (2004), Halloween (1978), The Omen (1976), Dawn of the Dead (1978 & 2004, but she likes the 1978 version better), 28 Days Later, Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, A Clockwork Orange, Dead Alive, Joe Versus the Volcano, Big, The Best of Times, The Shining (1980), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, The Straight Story, Courage Under Fire, Affliction, Box of Moonlight, Raising Arizona, Miller's Crossing, Fargo, Office Space, Manhattan, Bananas, Sleeper, Love and Death, Bullets Over Broadway, Play It Again Sam, Casino Royale (2006), Predator, Raw Deal, The Terminator, Commando, Die Hard, Drugstore Cowboy, Barfly, Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, The Road Warrior, Road House, Pootie Tang, Godfather Part II, Crash (1996), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Witness, The Fugitive, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Seven, American Beauty, Glengarry Glen Ross, Sin City, Welcome to the Doll House, Happiness, Goodfellas, Spider-Man (2002), Frailty, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Barry Lyndon, Taxi Driver, The Train (1965), Kiss of Death (1995), Scarface (1983), Pink Floyd-The Wall, Blow Out (1981), Runaway Train, Wall Street, U Turn, Any Given Sunday, JFK, Infernal Affairs, Fulltime Killer, Avalon (1990), Psycho (1960), North by Northwest, Meet the Parents, Along Came Polly, Wedding Crashers, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Club Dread, You, Me, and Dupree, There's Something About Mary, Bound, The Matrix, Apocalypto, Braveheart, This Boy's Life, Passion of the Christ, North Face, Carrie (1976), Zoolander, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Caddyshack, Star Wars: Episode 3-Revenge of the Sith, The Jerk, The Last Waltz, Night of the Living Dead, Zombieland, The Social Network, The Dark Knight, Batman and Robin, Batman Forever, Batman, Batman Returns, Blade, Daredevil, Donnie Darko, Return of the Dragon, Game of Death, Shaolin Soccer, Kung Fu Hustle, Spun, Manhunter, Heat, Minority Report, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, Deliverance, Midnight Cowboy, Fido, Planet of the Apes (1968), Rosemary's Baby, Clear and Present Danger, The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, Das Boot, The Perfect Storm, King Kong (2005), Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Aliens, The Assassination of Richard Nixon, The Prestige, and Tin Cup.
These are her favorite TV shows: Hill Street Blues, 30 Rock, The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Arrested Development, Reno 911, NBC Nightly News, Get a Life, Three's Company, The Brady Bunch, Chips, Justified, Cops, Jail, Dateline, 20/20, 60 Minutes, Dog the Bounty Hunter, The Soup, Gangland, Talk Soup, and To Catch a Predator.
She and I have a lot in common.

I Love My Roomies

The groundhog boys hate to say goodbye to her, but they don't mind watching her walk away.

I've thought long and hard about getting a pet.  I love all animals, and I'm very much aware that many dogs and cats are languishing in shelters.  They all deserve good homes and happy lives.  Unfortunately, I'm allergic to dogs and cats.  Although my cat allergy doesn't seem to be as severe as it used to be.  There are several reasons why I have decided to not get a pet.  First of all, they are not allowed in the apartment I'm currently living in.  Also, I want to be free to do what I want, when I want, without feeling guilty that I'm not giving my pet enough attention.  If I was in a very stable relationship with a woman who also wanted a pet, then it might work out.  If I'm not currently giving the pet attention, then perhaps she will be and vice versa.  Another problem is dealing with the death of a pet.  I've lived with a dog before, and he was like a son to me.  If I were to adopt a dog, and live with he or she for several years, it would devastate me when he or she died.  Or, I could die first, which could send his or her life into turmoil.
Bumpkin, however, has forced 3 pets into my apartment: her 2 sisters (Lucinda and Sloopy) and herself.  The best thing about living with 3 groundhogs is being exposed to their cuteness; the worst thing about it is having to watch the movie Groundhog Day 127 times (so far).  It really is time to buy another TV.  At first I was really concerned about the situation.  When I lived with a dog, I was also living with a woman, and both of us shared the responsibilities of taking care of him.  I had never taken care of 1 pet by myself: let alone 3 of them.  Things got out of control pretty quickly.  Then I remembered Bumpkin's superpowers.
"Ah, Bumpkin," I said.
"Yes, human.  What is it this time?" she asked.
"I'm not used to living with 3 groundhogs.  There are certain cleanliness issues that have arisen."
"Get to the point.  I don't have all day to listen to your inane ramblings.  I'm plotting my world takeover."
"Of course.  And, please, allow me to say that it is an honor to be spending the winter here with you and your sisters.  Could you possibly, if it isn't too much trouble-"
"Will you freaking say what you want to say already?!"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry ma'am.  Could you please use your powers to help me clean the apartment?"
"But of course."  As soon as she said that, 1 of the windows opened.  The cat box, that the sisters use as their restroom, levitated and flew out the window.  It turned upside down.  Before the tainted kitty litter could hit the ground, it was completely incinerated by a fireball that emanated from Bumpkin's left front paw.  Then the litter box returned to the bedroom and the window closed.  The cord for the vacuum cleaner became uncoiled, plugged itself in, and Bumpkin used her powers to vacuum the entire apartment.  The dirty dishes were next.  Bumpkin washed all of them without touching any of them with her paws.
"Satisfactory?" she asked me.
"Absolutely.  Thank you very much, Miss Bumpkin."
"So you don't mind if I return to my plans for world domination?"
"I certainly don't, Miss Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"That sounds familiar.  It's in a song, right/"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Is it 'Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)' by C & C Music Factory?
"Right again, Miss Bumpkin."
"I like that song.  Play it now."
"Yes, ma'am.  Excellent choice."  And so I did play that song.  And all of us danced together: 3 female groundhogs and myself.  I'm a lucky boy.

Bumpkin on Film

I miss you, Sheila.  Come back if you can.

The 3 groundhog sisters, who are hibernating this winter in my apartment, and I were watching The Matrix on TV.
"Hooey.  I can do anything that dumb human can.  He isn't the one; I am the real one!  What could he do against me?  I bring deadly accurate various-sized fireballs to the table.  I could incinerate him completely before he even knew I didn't like him.  I'm ready too by the way," said Bumpkin.
"What exactly are you ready for Miss Bumpkin?" I asked.
"To take complete control of the Earth from the rule of the humans."
"Wow.  That's pretty good ma'am."
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"No, of course I believe you ma'am, I've seen what you can do.  You're more powerful than Yoda."
"Damn straight," Bumpkin replied.  "Once again, even with Yoda, it could be over as soon as it started.  I could dispatch him with claws, fireballs, or a little of both; it would be my choice."
"That's right ma'am."
"And you don't be condescending to me--"
"Sorry, ma'am--"
"Shut up."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Shut up already!  Don't you know what that means?  Wait!  Don't answer that!  Just literally shut up, you jerk!  And I want to watch Groundhog Day after this!"   As soon as Lucinda and Sloopy heard her say that, they squealed with delight.  The sisters love that movie so much because groundhogs are mentioned several times in the film, and, their personal favorite actor (all 3 of them), Bill Murray, is in it.  Also, at least one groundhog appears in the film, and it's funny.  I've lost track of how many times they've watched it.  I once saw an episode of Cribs in which a rapper had out-Scarfaced quite possibly all or most of the other over-zealous Scarface fans.  Not only did he proudly display Scarface posters and the like, he had set up a TV to play Scarface on a continuous loop: over and over again till forever.  That's what it feels like is happening here.  If not for shows like The Office, 30 Rock, CSI, and ones that involve food (any and all), it could get close to that insane Scarface nonsense.