Bumpkin Bumpkin

Bumpkin's on the D.L.

Bumpkin has really done it this time.  While I was at work, She cloned herself!  This is how I found out; "Hi Mistress Bumpkin.  How was your day?"
"OK,  I cloned myself."
"Gad-zoinks!"
"What the heck is gad-zoinks?"
"It's nothing.  I was so shocked that the only thing that could come out of my mouth initially was nonsense.  It's not a word.  What the freak happened?"
"Hey!  I don't know how many times I've told you, but don't you ever take an attitude with me!  You've seen what I can do after all!"
That threat got my attention.  I've seen her slaughter other animals and people mostly using her superpowers, which were bestowed upon her by the dark netherworld, and her razor-sharp claws.  She's a groundhog, but she quite possibly is the deadliest sentient being this Earth has ever seen: even more than Michael Myers or Stalin.
"Sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  This is your world, and the rest of us are just squirrels trying to get a nut."
"Nice try."
"Excuse me, my mistress?"
"You'd better watch it.  I'm onto your methods.  Whenever I'm mad at you, you try to plant a dance song into my head, so I'll play it and dance to it and forget about being mad at you.  In this case it's "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory, is it not?"
"Yes, ma'am.  Sorry, ma'am.  But what about this clone of yours?  Please tell me more, madame.
"She's a perfect clone if you leave out the part about her having none of my superpowers."
"Wow."
"Yes, wow indeed.  But it's really sucky.  I've been trying to teach her stuff, but she's not catching on very well at all.  I'm losing patience."
"Please don't lose your patience, ma'am.  Bad things happen when you lose your patience."
"You think I don't know that, tampon bag?"
I laughed.
"What the heck is so funny mister?!"
"I'm sorry Miss Bumpkin, but I think the insult you're looking for might be douche bag: not tampon bag!"
"You're such an idiot!  I said tampon bag on purpose because I'm always keeping things fresh: not stale.  I tweaked it for her pleasure.  That's what she said.  Give me a freaking break, I'm on a roll!"
"Once again, I'm sorry Mistress Bumpkin.  You're always at least a step ahead of the rest of us."
"If there are other people as dumb as you, then it's a lot more than one step ahead; that's for sure!"
"Touche, madame Bumpkina."
"What is this Bumpkina?  Foolish is the fool that mocks me or my sisters."
"I'm not mocking you, ma'am: I never would.  I just changed your name around a little bit: just for funsies."
"OMG, you are such a freaking geek!"

Bumpkin's Favorite Movies

This photo accurately shows what Bumpkin's butt looked like in the recent past.

Ladies, gentlemen, and groundhogs, Mistress Bumpkin, for your pleasure, and hers, has compiled a list of her very most favorite movies to peruse. They are Groundhog Day, The Godfather, Jaws, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Raging Bull, The Aviator (2004), Halloween (1978), The Omen (1976), Dawn of the Dead (1978 & 2004, but she likes the 1978 version better), 28 Days Later, Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, A Clockwork Orange, Dead Alive, Joe Versus the Volcano, Big, The Best of Times, The Shining (1980), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, The Straight Story, Courage Under Fire, Affliction, Box of Moonlight, Raising Arizona, Miller's Crossing, Fargo, Office Space, Manhattan, Bananas, Sleeper, Love and Death, Bullets Over Broadway, Play It Again Sam, Casino Royale (2006), Predator, Raw Deal, The Terminator, Commando, Die Hard, Drugstore Cowboy, Barfly, Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, The Road Warrior, Road House, Pootie Tang, Godfather Part II, Crash (1996), Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Witness, The Fugitive, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Seven, American Beauty, Glengarry Glen Ross, Sin City, Welcome to the Doll House, Happiness, Goodfellas, Spider-Man (2002), Frailty, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Barry Lyndon, Taxi Driver, The Train (1965), Kiss of Death (1995), Scarface (1983), Pink Floyd-The Wall, Blow Out (1981), Runaway Train, Wall Street, U Turn, Any Given Sunday, JFK, Infernal Affairs, Fulltime Killer, Avalon (1990), Psycho (1960), North by Northwest, Meet the Parents, Along Came Polly, Wedding Crashers, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Club Dread, You, Me, and Dupree, There's Something About Mary, Bound, The Matrix, Apocalypto, Braveheart, This Boy's Life, Passion of the Christ, North Face, Carrie (1976), Zoolander, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Caddyshack, Star Wars: Episode 3-Revenge of the Sith, The Jerk, The Last Waltz, Night of the Living Dead, Zombieland, The Social Network, The Dark Knight, Batman and Robin, Batman Forever, Batman, Batman Returns, Blade, Daredevil, Donnie Darko, Return of the Dragon, Game of Death, Shaolin Soccer, Kung Fu Hustle, Spun, Manhunter, Heat, Minority Report, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, Deliverance, Midnight Cowboy, Fido, Planet of the Apes (1968), Rosemary's Baby, Clear and Present Danger, The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, Das Boot, The Perfect Storm, King Kong (2005), Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Aliens, The Assassination of Richard Nixon, The Prestige, and Tin Cup.
These are her favorite TV shows: Hill Street Blues, 30 Rock, The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Arrested Development, Reno 911, NBC Nightly News, Get a Life, Three's Company, The Brady Bunch, Chips, Justified, Cops, Jail, Dateline, 20/20, 60 Minutes, Dog the Bounty Hunter, The Soup, Gangland, Talk Soup, and To Catch a Predator.
She and I have a lot in common.

Bumpkin's Favorite Actors

Bumpkin plays favorites.

As I feared she would, Bumpkin has forced me to order digital cable.  She made me join Netflix too.  At least she's paying for it.  All she needs to do is use her superpowers to extract money from wallets and purses of my neighbors or people passing by.  Then the money floats toward my apartment building, and ultimately slips under my front door.  It's easy as pie for her to do that. 
Bumpkin has really been catching up on many of the movies and TV shows she missed before she became aware of the boob tube.  As she hibernates/plans to take over the world from humans, she watches plenty of TV.  She likes a lot of actors: Daniel Day-Lewis, Robert De Niro, Robert Duvall, Mickey Rourke, Billy Bob Thornton, Sam Rockwell, Walton Goggins, Timothy Olyphant, Jeremy Davies, Alec Baldwin, Sean Penn, Kal Penn, Ryan Reynolds, Simon Pegg, James Woods, Dennis Quaid, Denzel Washington, Matt Dillon, Martin Short, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight, Nicolas Cage, Tom Hanks, Russel Crowe, Robert Downey Jr., Kirk Douglas, Steve McQueen, Mel Gibson, Jason Statham, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Kevin Costner, Patrick Swayze, Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight, Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Gary Oldman, James Franco, Willem Dafoe, Tom Berenger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Jason Alexander, Daniel J. Travanti, Dennis Franz, Michael Conrad, Bruce Weitz, James Sikking, Charles Haid, Michael Warren, Taurean Blacque, Kiel Martin, Rene Enriquez, Ken Olin, Jeffrey Tambor, Al Pacino, John Cusack, Ryan Phillippe, Jude Law, Justin Long, Michael Keaton, Woody Allen, Woody Harrelson, Adam West, William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Leonardo Dicaprio, Alec Guinness, Andy Lau, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Aidan Quinn, Anthony Quinn, Gabriel Byrne, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gene Hackman, Bruce Campbell, Bruce Lee, Bill Paxton, Roy Scheider, C. Thomas Howell, John Ritter, Clint Eastwood, Lee Majors, Jim Carrey, Alan Alda, Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci, Mr. T, Nick Nolte, James Coburn, Burgess Meredith, John Lithgow, Anthony Perkins, Paul Newman, Eric Roberts, and David Caruso.
She likes actors based on acting ability, funniness, and charisma.  When it comes to actresses, she likes very talented ones (Meryl Streep, Faye Dunaway), ones that are talented and especially pretty (Angela Bassett, Reese Witherspoon, Veronica Hamel), ones that are funny and very pretty (Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, Jennifer Aniston), but mostly ones that are "cute" (Elizabeth Banks, Eva Mendes, Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson, Charlize Theron, Jennifer Garner, Sandra Bullock, Alicia Silverstone, Alyson Hannigan, Amy Adams, Suzanne Somers, Alicia Witt, Angelina Jolie, Anne Hathaway, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Ashley Judd).
Amazing.  I agree with all of the above!

Bumpkin Loves Metal

The only groundhog metal fan I know of: Bumpkin.

Ever since I played a CD in my home, while Bumpkin was present, she has been a huge fan of music.  She likes many of the same sorts of music I do.  She's a very open-minded music fan who wants to make up for all the lost time: when she was blissfully unaware of the virtues of music.  I'm a nut about my CDs.  I love them, so I handle them very carefully.  I only handle them with clean hands.  People have asked to borrow my CDs, I have a lot of them at this point, and I always wince: whether outwardly, inwardly, or both.  After all, I've taken out plenty of DVDs from the library, and I've seen how badly the discs get all scratched up by people who obviously don't handle discs as carefully as I do.  That's not a problem with Bumpkin though.  She has played many of my CDs, but she has not touched any of them with any part of her body.  She simply uses her superpowers to open the closet doors, slide out the drawers, levitate the selected discs, and put them into and out of the CD player.
It's only natural that Bumpkin likes a lot of what I do.  She's hears my stuff, she's a very recent and very enthusiastic fan of music, so she likes almost everything: including "Call Me Maybe."  I'm not sure if it's called that, but that's in the chorus: big hit.  Sloopy and Lucinda like it too.  I have to admit I like any song that gets all 3 of my groundhog house guests onto the dance floor.  Lucinda can really shake that big butt of hers.
"I like a lot of different sorts of music," said Bumpkin, "but metal is clearly the most superior kind of music I've ever heard.  The energy, the power, and the glory add up to something that other types of music can't compete with.  My favorite band is Kreator; they are off the hook!" 
So far, Bumpkin likes Deep Purple, Prince, Van Halen, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, The Who, Solitude Aeturnus, Tad Morose, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Mercenary, Rage, Rage Against the Machine, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, Neil Young, Asia, Samson, Bruce Dickinson, Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Hornsby, The Grateful Dead, Helloween, Soilwork, In Flames, Arch Enemy, Mercyful Fate, Overkill, Hirax, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Sarah McLachlan, Heart, The Police, Sting, Queensryche, Black Sabbath, Megadeth, Fates Warning, Metal Church, Colbie Caillat, 3 Inches of Blood, Hall & Oates, George Michael, George Thorogood, The Allman Brothers Band, No Doubt, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Foreigner, Journey, Kenny Loggins, Yes, ELO, Kansas, Boston, The Scorpions, Culture Club, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Robert Cray, BB King, Derek and the Dominos, Cream, Tribuzy, Sepultura, Vader, Thin Lizzy, Armored Saint, Carcass, Entombed, Phil Collins, Genesis, Down, Pantera, The Dixie Chicks, T'Pau, Bad Company, Styx, Annihilator, Exodus, Fleetwood Mac, Blondie, Talking Heads, New Order, Creed, Harem Scarem, Riot, Budgie, The Fray, Snow Patrol, The White Stripes, The Black Keys, The Shins, Wilco, UFO, The Cult, Coldplay, Keane, The Pixies, Helmet, System of a Down, Mastodon, Soundgarden, Blue Oyster Cult, The Band, Robbie Robertson, Switchfoot, Paramore, Immortal, Spineshank, Bloodbath, Nevermore, Queens of the Stone Age, Foo Fighters, Pet Shop Boys, Roxette, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Queen, R.E.M., Acid Bath, Today Is the Day, MGMT, U2, Soul Asylum, Dark Tranquillity, Candlemass, The Killers, Duran Duran, Dio, Judas Priest, Cryptopsy, Vehemence, Rainbow, Rush, Nirvana, The Cranberries, Lamb of God, King Diamond, Suicidal Tendencies, Willie Nelson, 10,000 Maniacs, Jane's Addiction, White Zombie, Venom, The Smiths, Echo and the Bunnymen, Savatage, Alice Cooper, Kiss, Ratt, .38 Special, Saxon, Dream Theater, P.O.D., Into Eternity, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, CCR, John Mayer, Pavement, Social Distortion, Alice in Chains, sHeavy, The Smithereens, Pestilence, Oasis, Vampire Weekend, Peter Gabriel, Death, Lacuna Coil, Fozzy, Collective Soul, 2pac, Eminem, Jay-Z, Boyz II Men, Tevin Campbell, Marvin Gaye, Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Buckcherry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly, Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, ABBA, Aerosmith, Sammy Hagar, Dokken, and Kix.
I think Bumpkin has great taste in music.