Bumpkin Likes to Cuddle

My cuddle buddy: Bumpkin

She really does.  Ever since I told Bumpkin I'd read, in an least 2 psychology books, that touching has great therapeutic benefits, she has insisted that I cuddle with her regularly.  That's fine with me.  It's good for me and it's probably good for her too.  Trust me, it's totally innocent and platonic.  Bumpkin's getting into enough rambunctiousness as it is; I can only wonder how she'll act when she's older, like when she's entered groundhog adolescence.
"Give me a massage," she ordered.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.  As instructed, I began to rub her tiny feminine groundhog shoulders (upper).
"Oh, yeah," Bumpkin moaned, "that's good."
"I'm glad your enjoying it, Miss Bumpkin."
"How many groundhogs have you massaged before me?"
As much as I love and respect Bumpkin, that was a heck of a stupid question.  "None, Bumpkin.  You're my first."
"It seems to Bumpkin like you've been doing this your whole life.  You are a great masseuse of groundhogs.  No matter where I go, you will be my personal masseuse.  Or, if I find someone better than you, then you will be the personal masseuse of one of my sisters.  And, of course, should you lose one or both of your hands, I will replace you." 
"That's great news ma'am."
"You don't seem to be as excited as I thought you'd be.  Don't you realize how safe you'll be?  Every human who refuses to submit to my whole world rule will be slaughtered.  There will be tons of carnage.  The resulting bloodbath will make the Civil War look like a picnic."
"Wow.  You know about the Civil War?"
"Of course, I've seen quite a bit of the stuff Ken Burns made about it.  It's very informational.  What it's missing completely is the groundhog perspective on the Civil War.  Make a note: I'm going to make a Civil War documentary that explores the groundhog perspective on the war."
"Yes, ma'am."  I pulled the pad out of my pocket in which I wrote down all of her ideas she told me to write down.  I didn't bother to tell her that most groundhogs don't watch or own televisions, because she'd probably launch an effort to get TVs to groundhogs.  Moreover, I'd probably have to lug TVs all over the place, and I don't know how they'll fit in groundhog's holes.  That's why I didn't open that particular can of worms.