I sort of feel as though I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders, which many of us have seen on TV and in the movies. I'm trying to quit drinking, but I'm faltering. It's difficult. I've been sober for 8 days now. When it comes to a list of pros and cons, not drinking slaughters drinking. Drinking led to me being arrested for the first time, which was not a pleasant experience. Alcohol is a depressant. People with depression, like me, shouldn't drink it. I've done stupid things while drunk. I've gotten bruised. I've lost my phone. There are plenty of reasons to not drink. However, there are some items on the "pros" list. Drinking gives me more endurance to sit at the computer and write. There is a long history of writers who drink. I've definitely been writing less during this week of sobriety. Drinking is also sort of fun, however, it does not make me happy. I'm sure of that.
I have the day off tomorrow. If I'm smart, I'll go to a local mental health center and make an appointment to get some help, because my depression and OCD have gone untreated for a while now. If I'm stupid, I wont go. Instead, I'll go to the liquor store, which I believe are evil places, no matter how many times I've visited one. Alcohol was the reason why I didn't get help the last time I sought it. I talked to a counselor who asked me about drinking; I told her about it, and she recommended treatment for it. As a result, I stopped seeing her after one visit. I chose alcohol over getting help for my mental health issues, which, obviously, isn't smart. That's been the most annoying thing about getting help; they want you to stop drinking.
I can't help wondering if it isn't just better to end up like Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix, or Amy Winehouse, who, I found out it a documentary, apparently found sobriety to be boring. Drink till you die. What is there to live for? Pain? Shit? Misery?
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