The mad dash before work: hurriedly grabbing keys, sunglasses, and other things. Time just before you need to leave for work goes fastest. I hate driving. It is so stressful. Every time I'm passing someone's car on the highway, I'm worried that he or she, not seeing my car, will change lanes and hit mine. An old guy almost did that to me recently. His car nearly hit mine, but he saw it just in time. My car has hydroplaned several times: terrifying.
Yesterday, I was waiting to make a right turn. The approaching car was making a right turn, so I thought that would be my opportunity to make the turn, because the driver behind the one making the turn would certainly slow down for the car in front of him, but that didn't happen. I ended up cutting off that driver a little, which resulted in him giving me the finger. I gave him the finger. A little further down the road, as I was waiting to make a left turn, he honked his horn as he passed me, so I could see him give me the finger again. I flipped him off again. I was very angry. I was thinking how I could quickly communicate to him that I wanted to beat the shit out of him. I've seen plenty of accidents and road rage incidents.
It seems like virtually all my problems are society related. I hate my job. I hate my neighbors. For the most part, I hate people. A meat-eating biological parent that believes in god is someone that I really don't relate to. Why am I here? Why am I in my apt, where I don't want to be, getting ready for work, where I don't want to go? My writing gives me a little bit of hope. I have written 3 books, which, of course, have generated very little interest, but that can change, I tell myself. Yeah, right. Most people don't read. Should I start taking antidepressants again? Is that what life is all about? Taking unnatural medications so you can tolerate life in a shitty, human-made society?
I'm thinking that maybe I should just leave it all to live in the wilderness: not live as a homeless person in a city; that seems horrible. No, truly living in the wilderness. My neighbors have chased me out of my apt on my days off, and I've been spending more time in nature as a result. It feels good to be there; it feels right. I believe that is how we're supposed to live. Society hasn't improved life; it's ruined it for many. Of course, I'm a have not. Wealthy people probably love life in our society. They have poor bastards like me doing everything for them: like cleaning. But, for someone like me, I don't think it's a good deal to live in civilization.
Civilization, another joke of a human word. Humans are a nightmare: an incredibly violent species that terrorizes, on a massive scale, animals, the environment, and each other. It's civilized to support horrific animal cruelty by buying meat and leather. It's civilized to bring people into the world to suffer. It's civilized to worship gods, that never existed, like a fucking Neanderthal. It's civilized to pretend that life in society is great, and you're so happy in it, even if you're miserable. Don't complain. Whiners are weiners. Don't rock the boat.
There are problems with living in nature. Can I get by without showers and toilet paper? It seems like those things would be the hardest to live without. Bugs are also a problem. They are very annoying. I think I'll start reading books about living off the grid. All I'd need for entertainment is a library card. If I ever just walk away from my apt and job, I'd make sure to pack one very important item: the rope I bought, to hang myself with, years ago. If things didn't work out, I could hang myself from a tree in the middle of nowhere.
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