Dark Days

 
I just took out another $1,000 cash advance on my credit card so I can pay my rent and the minimum payments on my credit cards this month.  If I don't get a job and make some money, or extend the credit line on one of my cards, or acquire a new credit card, then I will be able to do this for a maximum of one month more.
I'm looking for a job.  They don't want me.  I'm human garbage.  I hate waking up.  I wish I could die, peacefully and painlessly, in my sleep.  It occurred to me it's strange that people even read this blog (It gets page views.).  It's really f*cking dark (but also real, when so much is phony).  And, even if I do kill myself, it won't happen here.  I'll just stop blogging, because dead people don't blog.
It seems like any day can be the day.  After all, I've attempted suicide before.  I pretty much have 2 choices; I can hang myself or jump.  I think hanging is the better choice, because it seems to involve less suffering.  The problem is that it involves a set up.  Jumping is much more spontaneous.  There is a bridge, within walking distance, that, I'm pretty sure, would do the job.  In fact, I went for a walk today, and I walked right under it.  I'd have a choice.  I could jump into the river, which would be very shallow there, or I could land on a street.  The river is preferable, because, if I survived the fall, it would take longer to rescue me if I was in the water than if I was on the road.  I don't want to be "saved."  What bothers me most about jumping is the pain.. If I don't die instantly, the pain is likely to be very intense.  And who knows how long the pain will last?  The thought of my body hitting that street, or the river rocks, is a horrible one.  I don't deserve that.
Then there's the issue of whether I want to die free (outside) or in my prison (my apt, where, as I mentioned, my neighbor has tormented me).  So it's a complicated choice.  Also, jumping would mean going out on a thrill.  It's a tough choice.