The Wound that Never Heals

She probably doesn't have a father either.  Mama groundhogs usually chase them away.

I don't have a father.  He isn't dead (as far as I know).  He just doesn't give a damn about me.  I'm 45, and I haven't heard from him since I was a teen.  I am the result of a teen pregnancy.  It happened in 1968, so a legal abortion wasn't an option.  My parents got married.  My father left my mother and me when I was 2 years old.  I didn't see him many times at all after that.  My mother got custody.  I think he had no interest in seeing me.  I was just a mistake he made when he was young.  I believe my Nana, his mother, tried to get us together, but it didn't happen very often.  I have no idea where he lives, what he does, or what his phone number is.
When I was younger, I felt sorry for myself for not having a father.  I did  some complaining about it.  I came to realize nobody likes a whiner.  So I stopped complaining, which solved nothing.  Something we learn to not be is a bitcher, whiner, or a complainer.  No one wants to be called one of those things.  But this leads to more suffering.  People pretending that life is wonderful, that it isn't hard and doesn't suck, enables others to continue the madness by bringing more and more people into the world.  We're taught to not complain.  So many people are miserable, but they keep it to themselves.  It's important for me to be real.  I'll say or write what I want to about not having a father, and if someone wants to call me a whiner or a complainer, I'll deal with them how I see fit.   
Not having a father is the wound that never heals.  I'm constantly reminded that many people have had great fathers who have helped them all their lives.  That is definitely not my experience.  I actively avoid books and movies that deal with father/son relationships.  I try to forget (as much as I can) that people have decent fathers.  I watched Silver Linings Playbook yesterday.  I really enjoyed it.  Regardless, it took me out of the movie somewhat to see that the main character still had his father in is life, even though he was a grown man.
I hate when Father's Day comes around.  You can't watch TV without being reminded of it.  The only thing my father deserves for Father's Day is poop in a box.
I've never brought someone into this world, and I'm proud of that.  So many, animals and humans, have suffered in this brutal world.  Not wanting to be like my parents, I'm terrified of sex.  I'm afraid of getting a woman pregnant.  This is probably why I didn't have sex from the ages of 27-44.  And when I had sex last year, it wasn't worth it; it sucked.